A Question

[big_ben]

I recently and unintentionally got into a small argument with a person over this question. Not only was I insulted by this person but they also deliberately misconstrued my point to fit their argument.

So, the question is this: Is it ever wrong to try and ask questions of more experienced Doms?

I know some don't want to talk to novices about the lifestyle, which is completely fine. That is their choice and after that has been said I shall leave them alone. But, how do you know they feel that way unless you ask?

Plus, it has always been my belief that learning is ALWAYS a good idea, even if all your learning is what not to do, like bug people.

Anyways, that's the question I have and I would love some advice and input. Thank you for your timr.

[Mr E Mann]

Hi Ben
I think the answer to that is "maybe". I mean we all hate learner drivers on the road, forgetting we were there once and were grateful we didnt get anyone trying to kill us lol
It depends on the Dom. Some are happy to be asked, some are less so. Personally, I am ok with it, as long as it isnt endless questions, and there is a point behind it. Added to which my view of things is potentially different to others, as we are all individuals so our views all vary
Hope that helps

[Terra2005]

I have no problem with being asked. I doubt most of my friends would have either

[big_ben]

Thank you guys!

I do understand that "learning drivers" can be terribly annoying and, let's face it, even more experienced oes can be too. I also understand that some use "questions" as a way to build a fantasy for a quick jerk off session which can be tiring. So, the questions would of course have to have a clearly defined purpose and a clearly defined stopping point.

I really appreciate Terra. He was very gracious in answering a few of my questions and I may call on him, and possibly Mr E Mann, when I have more questions.

My reasoning is this, it's always good to look up and read the information for yourself because you retain it better. But book knowledge is totally different from life knowledge. So, while it is good to do your own research, it is almost equally as important to get the real life experience side of it as well.

[vulcan]

Frankly, I can't see why anyone would have a problem with being asked for information or advice. Somebody has to help all of us at some stage. For goodness sakes, if you don't like to be asked, would it kill you just to be polite and say so and why to somebody who asks.

I personally think anyone who gets upset by this is being rude and unfair to the less experienced. It is just this sort of attitude that earns us a name as unsociable and arrogant.

If this rather forthright view upsets anyone, I'm sorry, but too bad.

[Thoughtwrangler]

I personally agree with most of the people who've posted on this thread. I get asked for advice from time to time and am always happy to give my thoughts.

I think though that the sort of people who post on these sections of the forum are the ones most likely to help. We like to communicate our views and are open to hearing from others, even if we don't always agree with them.

I know when I post looking for advice I generally have a fair idea of the users I hope to hear from. So for those who want to ask for some one on one advice I'd strongly recommend being a little selective with who you ask. Ask those who seem more open and helpful on the forum boards.

Great thing about asking for help (in any form) is that the worst that can happen is people say no. Great thing about getting advice is that it never hurts even if you decide not to take it. We're all on a constant journey of learning.

If some people are assholes about you asking for help. Well that's because they're just assholes. Don't let that get you down.

[Punisher37]

I am certainly open to questions. I usually look in the right places on the boards, but I don't mind being asked by PM or visitor message. I suppose some people might not want to be messaged, but the system allows you to PM anyone, and the etiquette is that you can do that. If you don't want to answer you can just say so.

[big_ben]

Tanks a lot for your responses, encouragement and general good manners! One effect of this thread, tht I honestly hadn't thought of until just know, is that's know the people that I can pm if I have to for advice and I am reassured that if I post a question, there will be some willing to answer it! Thanks so much!

[Pet Phoenix]

I'm with Vulcan and ThoughtWranler all the way. So long as the person asking the questions is asking constructively and being polite and good natured and stuff I am usually more than happy to take as much time as they need to explain or discuss anything. How the hell else are you gonna learn this stuff!? If it advances levels of deviancy in humanity then I'm all for it hah.

What really irritates me is master's you get who THINK they are reallly up there and amazing and professional and stuff but clearly never grasped, never cared or fell out of touch with some of the fundamentals of being kinky, not learner drivers.. more rich kids in Audis and Porches who don't know which side of the road to drive on, they can do a lot more damage when they crash (maybe I'm going too far into that metaphor now, but I think it still demonstrates the point) I think some of those those are the people who on their way up didn't ask, or when they asked, were turned away by someone more experienced who didn't want to help.

[archie21]

I know where he is coming from with his question though. Whilst we are all tolerant of being asked and welcome the enquiries, there are those who seem to believe it is below them to answer any questions to do with this lifestyle and they are extremely rude about it.
I would also like to say that this doesn't just apply to bdsm or wam or whatever but to all kinds of things, it's like trying to get into a closed shop sometimes, you would think they are masons or something.
I never realised I wanted to get that off my chest, wow I feel better for that

[G3dio]

It's not exactly a sensitive question so no, it's never wrong. If older doms feel like being special little elitists then fuck it and offend them by asking anyway.

[TensionRoom101]

As a dom, and a former teacher, I welcome questions being asked of me. I'm not arrogant enough to believe I'm too old to learn (and learn from novices), nor too old to remember when I was a newb. Ask away!

Is there a time I don't want to be asked? Of course. I've gotten very assertive with many a someone who's walked straight into the dungeon area, in the middle of a play session, and started asking me questions while I'm flogging or hypnotising a submissive. Likewise, after a session, when my sub is in subspace and I'm doing the aftercare and bringing her around, I've had rude people barge in and ask what I'm doing and ask her all about her session. In those instances you'll be told firmly to feck off.

I also had some random, who'd been to Tension once, come up to me on the street while I was with my children, and proceeded to ask very inappropriate questions.

Use common sense, and you'll get the best answers to your questions.

Mike

[big_ben]

Wow guys these responses have honestly been more than I hoped for! I knew that there were some that we're agreeable to help. When I first got curious, I believe I asked Phoenix a few questions. You guys have really encouraged me to keep trying to learn and to not take the few negative instances so seriously!

[The Game Master]

Depends on the person, I have no issue answering questions. Though I have not done this as long as some others since I'm more on the younger side, so I wouldn't say I'm greatly experienced.

[Anjelen]

There -are- inappropriate moments to ask questions of a Dominant; In the middle of scenes, one does not interrupt the goings-on and either waits for the scene to be over or, if the Dominant in question is there to watch and not participating, one can (softly!) ask if one can ask them some questions.

However, i've yet to meet the Dominant - note, Dominant, not Dumbinant who will not answer questions with some form of glee - and therein a small danger.

BDSM is something personal. Everyone's methods and theories will differer from the next and last person you've asked the same question - and this is perfectly alright.

One of the first things often self-realised - not given in answer to a question or put out there as opinion - by many people who enjoy BDSM is that it's a process of ever-learning that teaches one very much about oneself, strange as it may seem.

Questions are rarely inappropriate. One's timing, however, may vary from wildly inappropriate to 'shoot, i've got a couple of minutes'.

Pick the right moment and i'm sure you can have your questions answered in a myriad of ways. Up to you to decide which answer fits your question best.