How to be a REAL Dom

Kitten · 06-17-2019, 07:39 AM

1. Be a decent person (which broadly means not being an abusive piece of trash, and caring enough about the people you keep in your life to value their opinions and research your kinky little hobbies before you subject someone to them - this is common sense and respect for human life and dignity, this is not some noble "Dominant" trait that you only acquire after at least 500 whipping hours in leather hotpants).

2. Don't let people write lists that tell you what to do and how to do it.

There are no rules for a real Dominant, just as there are no rules for a real sub. That's because Dominant and submissive are not job descriptions that come with a set of tasks that you either pass or fail. It's the relation you have with another person, and how you interact with them that determines whether either or neither of you are Dominant or submissive toward the other person.

The only way you will "gitgud" at this, is by speaking to the other person about it. They are the ones scoring you - what does it matter if ZeldaFan12 likes their nipples pinched if your partner likes them squeezed? Even moreso since you might change, your partner might change, etc.

Just as you wouldn't ask your neighbour what your partner wants to eat for dinner, don't look to strangers as most authoritive source to tell you how to push your partners sexual buttons - or do your relationship "right".

Not everyone needs or wants afterplay.
Not everyone needs or wants to be whipped to a bloody mess.
Not everyone needs or wants a slow sensual warm-up.
Not everyone needs or wants to show submission through kinky outfits.
Not everyone needs or wants special rituals or code-words.
And others do. And that's great.

On the topic of kink and education, here is what I would like to say with my post:

General guidance is often helpful, but remember that you are asking guidance on a road nobody else has ever taken - because it's the one between you and your partner. Do not feel discouraged if you don't live up to what others think your relationship should be, we're all just doing what we think is right for us and so should you.

MistersOrphanage · 07-12-2019, 05:49 AM

Hah, I do actually miss the days when there were rules to being a Dominant. :P And here we go with a back when I was a kid, walking through the snow 9 miles to the bdsm club barefoot...

but in all seriousness there was a good point in time prior to the internet where Doms-to-be would shadow other Doms... the only way to meet anyone in the lifestyle was at lifestyle clubs... so people actually had to work off the reputation they earned.

It's something we've lost in this post-internet-age. I question fairly regularly if this has made the lifestyle less safe and more of just a sex playground...

Either way, it's a good post

Thanks.

06-17-2019, 07:39 AM	#1
Kitten The One & Only Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Gehenna Posts: 1,215 Blog Entries: 2	How to be a REAL Dom 1. Be a decent person (which broadly means not being an abusive piece of trash, and caring enough about the people you keep in your life to value their opinions and research your kinky little hobbies before you subject someone to them - this is common sense and respect for human life and dignity, this is not some noble "Dominant" trait that you only acquire after at least 500 whipping hours in leather hotpants). 2. Don't let people write lists that tell you what to do and how to do it. There are no rules for a real Dominant, just as there are no rules for a real sub. That's because Dominant and submissive are not job descriptions that come with a set of tasks that you either pass or fail. It's the relation you have with another person, and how you interact with them that determines whether either or neither of you are Dominant or submissive toward the other person. The only way you will "gitgud" at this, is by speaking to the other person about it. They are the ones scoring you - what does it matter if ZeldaFan12 likes their nipples pinched if your partner likes them squeezed? Even moreso since you might change, your partner might change, etc. Just as you wouldn't ask your neighbour what your partner wants to eat for dinner, don't look to strangers as most authoritive source to tell you how to push your partners sexual buttons - or do your relationship "right". Not everyone needs or wants afterplay. Not everyone needs or wants to be whipped to a bloody mess. Not everyone needs or wants a slow sensual warm-up. Not everyone needs or wants to show submission through kinky outfits. Not everyone needs or wants special rituals or code-words. And others do. And that's great. On the topic of kink and education, here is what I would like to say with my post: General guidance is often helpful, but remember that you are asking guidance on a road nobody else has ever taken - because it's the one between you and your partner. Do not feel discouraged if you don't live up to what others think your relationship should be, we're all just doing what we think is right for us and so should you.

07-12-2019, 05:49 AM	#2
MistersOrphanage Junior Member Join Date: May 2013 Location: Texas Posts: 18	Hah, I do actually miss the days when there were rules to being a Dominant. :P And here we go with a back when I was a kid, walking through the snow 9 miles to the bdsm club barefoot... but in all seriousness there was a good point in time prior to the internet where Doms-to-be would shadow other Doms... the only way to meet anyone in the lifestyle was at lifestyle clubs... so people actually had to work off the reputation they earned. It's something we've lost in this post-internet-age. I question fairly regularly if this has made the lifestyle less safe and more of just a sex playground... Either way, it's a good post Thanks.