I need advice, please. Having a break from a Dom/ sub dynamic?

[degrademeplease]

I need some some advice.

14 months ago, I found an amazing Dom on Get Dare who for the most part makes me feel safe, valued and respected. He is the best Dom that I have ever had and I enjoy the fun we have together. He has made me submit deeper than anyone else ever has before and I always want to improve for him.

For the past six months, except for some casual play and D/s conversations sometimes, we've had to take a break from the dynamic. I won't go into details, but it isn't his fault because he has had personal struggles and I have tried my best to support him.

We both very much want this, it just isn't possible right now. The problem is that I really struggle with the loss of the dynamic sometimes. It makes me feel a bit lost as a submissive. It gets harder the longer this goes on for.

I get a lot of pleasure from pleasing my Dom and can find the lack of rules, praise and conversation very difficult to the point where it makes me feel down. That then makes me feel guilty because my problems are trivial compared to his.

I have been honest about how it makes me feel sometimes but it's hard to discuss because I don't want him to feel like he is to blame. He also isn't really in a position to help me feel better a lot of the time because of his own struggles.

I want nothing more than to be his good girl properly again, but it isn't possible right now and I don't know when it will be again.

How can I deal with these emotions I'm feeling? How can I stop feeling so lost, needy and vulnerable?

[MasterZp]

I was sorry to hear that you and your Dom are struggling and he is dealing with issues that take him away from you. It sounds like you are indeed doing your best to support him and be reasonable about the situation, but it is indeed very very hard. I hope having someone else at least acknowledge that will help if just a tiny bit.

You asked how to deal with it all and ease the pain and sense of loss. And I think the best answer is that you cannot. This sounds like an ordeal you both have to endure and make your way through. I find that accepting that can help, and can reorient one’s mind a bit. This is your normal for now as much as that sucks and hurts and feels unfair. Be honest about it to yourself as much as anyone else. And be honest about hour feelings. It’s natural to want to downplay your concerns when talking to your Dom since he is dealing with so much. But isn’t his choice? Shouldn’t he decide what he can handle or not handle? Maybe having to focus on your concerns will help distract him from his own issues once I awhile. Just because your feelings and issues are not as severe as his doesn’t mean they are not just as important. I cannot say for sure obviously, not knowing anything about the situation. But avoiding the discussion is seldom the answer. Maybe you two could come up with some tasks or rules or ways you can feel more submissive to him without having him as directly involved? It may not be how it was before but that doesn’t mean it cannot be good for you.


I think the point I’m trying to make is work on adjusting your frame of reference. See if there is a way you can look at our relationship from a different angle and maybe that will help.


Just my thoughts. I hope it helps in some way. And I hope your Dom is able to get better or resolve his issues soon.

[degrademeplease]

Originally Posted by MasterZp

I was sorry to hear that you and your Dom are struggling and he is dealing with issues that take him away from you. It sounds like you are indeed doing your best to support him and be reasonable about the situation, but it is indeed very very hard. I hope having someone else at least acknowledge that will help if just a tiny bit.

You asked how to deal with it all and ease the pain and sense of loss. And I think the best answer is that you cannot. This sounds like an ordeal you both have to endure and make your way through. I find that accepting that can help, and can reorient one’s mind a bit. This is your normal for now as much as that sucks and hurts and feels unfair. Be honest about it to yourself as much as anyone else. And be honest about hour feelings. It’s natural to want to downplay your concerns when talking to your Dom since he is dealing with so much. But isn’t his choice? Shouldn’t he decide what he can handle or not handle? Maybe having to focus on your concerns will help distract him from his own issues once I awhile. Just because your feelings and issues are not as severe as his doesn’t mean they are not just as important. I cannot say for sure obviously, not knowing anything about the situation. But avoiding the discussion is seldom the answer. Maybe you two could come up with some tasks or rules or ways you can feel more submissive to him without having him as directly involved? It may not be how it was before but that doesn’t mean it cannot be good for you.


I think the point I’m trying to make is work on adjusting your frame of reference. See if there is a way you can look at our relationship from a different angle and maybe that will help.


Just my thoughts. I hope it helps in some way. And I hope your Dom is able to get better or resolve his issues soon.

Thank you, your response did help to make me feel better.

I was dealing with it a lot better to start with, but as time goes by, it has become much harder. We have spoken about it together and he knows that it is hard on me too, but I don't want to pressure him to do something he can't right now.

We have tried to carry on with some rules, but it can be hard on me mentally to follow certain rules if I am not getting regular praise. We have also done tasks and had deeper conversations about things. We've even spoke about him collaring me which is something I never wanted from a D/s relationship until now.

I'm worried that discussing that has made me feel more needy and vulnerable at a time when he can't give me the support and attention that I need and it's having an impact on my emotions

[wishofbeat]

I'm worried that discussing that has made me feel more needy and vulnerable at a time when he can't give me the support and attention that I need and it's having an impact on my emotions

Discussing issues is always a chance to feel vulnerable, it can feel like the work is going to beat you for asking.... but isn't like that, personally kudos for your Dom for saying that he had personal problems. Is easy to just use the "s" type.

What you must understand about yourself, is that you don't "need" a Dom, you "want" a Dom, so give yourself a treath, take a long bath, do something you like, you are been a respectful person and a great human being, and that's something to praise.

Do something for you, you deserve it, and more for asking.

[degrademeplease]

Originally Posted by wishofbeat

Discussing issues is always a chance to feel vulnerable, it can feel like the work is going to beat you for asking.... but isn't like that, personally kudos for your Dom for saying that he had personal problems. Is easy to just use the "s" type.

What you must understand about yourself, is that you don't "need" a Dom, you "want" a Dom, so give yourself a treath, take a long bath, do something you like, you are been a respectful person and a great human being, and that's something to praise.

Do something for you, you deserve it, and more for asking.

I do appreciate him being honest with me.

That is true. I don't need a Dom, I just want one. That was a good reminder.

Thank you. This response did help me feel better!