Who's really in charge?

[realwing]

I've had a few minor relationships online, which were enjoyable yet... unsatisfactory. I get sexual gratification when I know I genuinely please other people, which other people may find hard to understand.

What I'm talking about is the kind of situation when you're chatting to someone who's, keeping it as concise as I can, telling you what to do. I always get the feeling though, that they're 'making' me do what I want to do rather than what they want me to do. They're afriad that if they don't do what I want that I will simply leave. They have no real power.

This is why I now tend to shy away from online relationships and kinky talk because there is no real power exchange. I was wondering if anyone else feels this way and what they do to fill this vacuum. I like to talk with other people in a kinky way but can just never get over this barrier. What should I do instead?

[BlaBlaBlubb]

Hey realwing,

I try to answer from the view of a Dom. An online relationship is always difficult for a Dom as you can never have real control over a sub. It completely depends on the will of a sub if he/she is doing what you say as a Dom or not. You don't have any power over him/her. You may give an order or punish the sub but if the sub says no the only thing you can do is leave. That's your only "power".

I by myself know many subs that quit if it get tough. A Dom/sub relationship is never easy but some think there is only the easy way and as soon as it get kind of uncomfortable like when you punish a sub he/she quits and never appears again. That's another problem of online relationships. You can quit anytime you want. Nobody can stop you. You can easily ignore another person/Dom.

I think that's the reason why a Dom that is looking for a rather long term relationship usually does more the things the sub likes to keep the sub happy.


My personal experiences shows that building up trust can help to cover these 'harder times'. If you have a strong/stronger relationship and gained some trust your relationship can become strong enough to cover the times of punishment or unpleasurable times for a sub. But it still depends a lot on the sub, if the sub is willing to even do rough/harder things (of course inside the limits!)

I hope I could help a bit and show you the point of view of one Dom that is happy with his sub. ;-)

[realwing]

It is very helpful to see things from the other perspective, and I thank you for that.

Being in an established monogamous relationship is the only way I can see an online power exchange to work. A situation where, to prevent the exchange, you would need to make a transition from the norm to a less stable state rather than just go back to what you were doing and thinking before it started. You would need to be in a state where you are used to being with your partner.

This is something I feel would be difficult and unreliable to obtain and I do not think I am capable of sustaining it if I had it. I think the question shouldn't be "How do I achieve my goal?" but should be "What is my goal?".

How does a sub or dom find sexual gratification through online communication without relying on an unstable power exchange?

[smite2001]

i totally get both of your points of view, and i made similar experiences myself (dom myself).

I dont want to add much to BlaBlaBlubb, because i feel he broke it down quite understandably. The only thing I can add is, that I often feel left out of the fun, because most subs/daretakers here -not all, luckily- dont bother sending detailed reports or even pictures (let's face it, no proof always leave you wondering if the person really did it, plus it is pretty sexy most of the time).

In regards to the main topic: I had a genuine powerplay experience only once. This was with a sub who was blackmailed before (nonconsentual) and we decided to try it out. It was awesome to be honest. But also scary (for her mostly, but also a bit for me), even though there was some level of trust already established. We went back to normal play pretty quickly afterwards.

I dont want to advise anybody to find some random person for blackmail action, because of obvious reasons. But it was the only thing that ever came close to having "real power" over someone and I still cannot think of a good online-only alternative.

[realwing]

Blackmail isn't a technique that I had really considered. It was one of those things I was aware of yet dismissed it as an interest early on in my kink career. This was because, amongst a lot of other common kinks, I had no excitement over it. It wasn't a turn on but it was something I understood other people had an interest in.

However, you have helped me realise that, although I find no sexual gratification in blackmail, I may find sexual gratification from the true power exchange that it accomplishes.

However, I consider it a risky venture and am not willing to try it without a high level of established trust or a kind of safe guard/mediator that can effectively and fairly conduct the transaction.

[Lucrian]

Speaking as a dom, I really like a lot of what BlaBlaBlubb said. I've had over a dozen subs from this site in the past year, and NONE of them have stayed. I honestly don't know the reasons behind them leaving; even if they say "oh yea I wouldn't leave without giving you a reason why"....guess what? it still happens. It just happened a few days ago, in fact.

Because of this, I've started trying to make sure my subs have the most enjoyable time possible. I have to check, all the time, whether I'm approaching a limit, because they WON'T TELL ME if they are. They'll just leave.

So, essentially, i agree with you. In an online relationship, there is no REAL power exchange. You can only try to build the trust, if the other party lets you, and hope that the other person doesn't abandon you.

[Ares]

It seems to me that what is most often either overlooked or not understood is that whether the relationships is online or real world, control only goes as far as the sub or slave allows.
If boundaries or limits are overstepped they can always leave or refuse even if this upsets the balance of power or the relationship.
Therefore the ultimate control always belongs to the sub/slave.
The Master or Dom should never attempt to force control beyond that previously agreed.
If this is not so then the relationship is no longer consensual and thus both dangerous and illegal.

Sub or slave, they need only give up as much control as they wish to.