22F wants and needs punishment and to be degraded

[Tigerlily]

Originally Posted by Tigerlily

I want to start Tuesday night and have all of Wednesday.

How about this as a thought process of controlling my sleep as part of it. Something I've never done before. New territory.

Just when I am tired and ready for sleep, instead of being able to sleep, I have to kneel on grits on the wooden table top on the ground with a randomized timer set. I guess, let's got with, I don't know, let's be a little sadistic and go with 3 to 6 hours.
And whenever it finally goes off, I take a cold shower, kneeling, for however long. Whatever else afterwards.
Sleep where ever and for however long.

And then the next full day of Wednesday, including through Wednesday night into Thursday morning as well.

Let me expand on the kneeling part, in case you haven't read it.
I always had trouble staying put kneeling on grits during punishments so I could see the timer for, I guess 30-to 1 hourish punishments.

Part of wanting to place myself in a kneeling position for an extended period of time isn't about the pain, but from history of being in that position and being unable to stay in that position for a punishment. Discipline teeters the scale over pain, even though pain will be very prominent here. And to have to do it sleep-deprived.

When doing attic play, I liked the aspect of being just a piece of furniture forgotten about. It gave a whole new layer of worthlessness, especially when not knowing how long I would remain there.
Being left in the dark added to it.
But when sleep is being controlled, I think I should be placed where there is bright lighting to prevent me from drifting off.



On another Note:

I do not edge. That sets off my anxiety. Perhaps I am not alone there.


OK,
So far here,
I have:

For Figging/&butt-plug:
ginger root
small, long cucumbers

Had an interesting time with shoving ice cubes up my ass if you flip back a page.
I would do it again, this time with a butt plug to hold it in.
If I put more ice cubes in, wouldn't that be like an enema?

Because I am lashing my hands, I have a thin, plastic rod and a metal ruler.
Part of it is because I enjoy the new pain. There is a lot of pleasure and excitement to this, and being lashed for the discipline to stay on tasks.

Grits to kneel on. I do have rice. Grits are like shards of glass though.

The thick, solid, wooden table top on the ground

I DO have all of your basic bdsm tools. The same I have always had. you know like rope and clothes pins

I no longer have my crotch rope, however. (and cannot make a new one at this time)


But, I figured not so much was really needed if
it is more focused on the mental and psychological.

It's not the tools and the pain that matter.

It's what the mindset goes into
and how effective it is,
reaching new levels for me.

Not just controlling
and degradation.

But dehumanization.

[Tigerlily]

In testing it out for an hour and a half, when I kneel on my knees, I also switch and bow to a humbling position with my face pressed into the table. I did this to make it hurt as much as possible and move my head to another point and do the same exact thing. While my knees were gaining some relief and needed blood flow, I was gaining a bruise on my forehead. And every time I went into that position, I pushed my face into the wooden table as hard as possible, wanting to get a good and sore bruise for the upcoming days, so when I take that position, it will already hurt, and there will be a sensation about how that isn't my first time being in that position, that it is frequent. If you catch my drift.
I did this while I wanted to go to sleep, so I had to keep my eyes open. No closing them allowed, or I would drift. I thought about putting on one of those songs the cia has used before to torture people -- i was looking at the playlist. for real.😅😂 and put earbuds in. I was just thinking while trying to not fall asleep, ok?

[Tigerlily]

Starting right now, I'll be kneeling on the carpet with my face pressed into the wooden table to continue to build up soreness on my forehead and to build up a submissive mindset.
My randomized timer is between 2 to 3 hours.
My forehead doesn't lift from the table during that duration.
I do it in silence with the light on, and I do not get to see a clock.

I'll post back when I am done

[Tigerlily]

I kept my forehead pressed into the wooden table, painfully. And I did so for two hours.
But I lifted my head before my timer went off.
The longer I stayed there, the twisted of mindset.
It hurt so much, pushing my forehead into the table, and it got to a point, when I had my hands laced behind my head, that my head itself was a latch to the table, and there was no need for it to come up unless the table was being pulled into use, which it wasn't. So the latch stayed pressed closed, my head locked into one place.

[MrSpanker]

Interesting you felt the need to practice. Did the warmup leave a bruise or just a very sore spot on your forehead?

[Tigerlily]

Originally Posted by MrSpanker

Interesting you felt the need to practice. Did the warmup leave a bruise or just a very sore spot on your forehead?

It shed the first layer of not knowing what to expect. I haven't knelt on this table top before for any large extended time period and needed to get at least an hour's sense of staying there. It will only build what I am feeling from that point on,
so it helps me understand, essentially, what I am getting into mentally, as I already understand the physical part of it from all my other kneeling punishments.
I had had a randomized timer between 1 to 2 hours. I'm also grasping mentally that this is going to be even longer next time.

Last night when I was keeping my head to the table, I got into a head space at some point where my head had felt like a latch that couldn't come up because it was part of the table that only came up being used, no matter how much my forehead and nose was hurting, I was literally just a latch that could not move. My hands were laced tightly behind the back of my head, so a lot of pressure was being weighed down.
I did recognize starting to feel tingles of helplessness, so I can expect that to really intensify.
And other emotions, of course. No need to list them out.
So, it wasn't just to practice. It was to assess it as well. Both instances. Practice, bring into mindset while understanding mindset.

You know, in the end, I feel doing this is rather important if someone is going to do mental play.
I'm rather curious how far I can push my mind here with these kinds of mindsets.

Oh gosh, I had to take something for a headache last night.
And this morning, my forehead just simply hurts on those particular areas. There is some inflammation to it as well.
Pretty much meaning, I got what I wanted.

It hurts all the way down the bridge of my nose. Center of the forehead, at the hair line above, between the eyes.

Probably after an hour, there's something about that position that brought me mentally to other places.
I remember another mindset was not being worth being able to look up, that my eyes had to remain down.
There was just this cycle, and the idea of placing myself there for a much longer time, knowing these will only intensify, I only wonder what the next layers of emotion are, will be.

[Tigerlily]

You can restrict my eat and sleeping.
I have stayed up for 24 random times when needed, though, rarely. '
But 4-5 hours, I can run on when needed.

I'm an experienced faster of over 48 hours.
Note that fasting heightens emotions,
but it also weakens you, energy-wise,
and combining with no sleep can really make the mind even more vulnerable than normal. Almost like a fast forward on mental play, perhaps, in a sense.

I was always well-rested and ate beforehand when doing punishments.

This whole thing is just new and different to me. You have my dedication to it.

I actually feel like I can't focus on anything right now, making me think if I should make use of my time putting my mind in a deeper headspace like I was last night.
Maybe I could do an all day randomized timer.
I'm not sure yet.
But seriously am considering it.


I'll put the table top in a small bathroom, the one with the small bench I bent over before to shove ice cubes up my ass.
If I blast the A.C. and close the door, it will sure make the tiny room freezing.
The small room is bright, and if I bring another 100W lamp with no lamp shade, it can take part in keeping me awake.
And the three bathroom lights are also 100W.
I also now have clock with no batteries to stare at when kneeling, since I like to look at the clock so much.
I also now have rope around the table to tie my head to the table to keep it tied tightly in position.
I can be placed fully under this if desired.
You can make it as cold as you would like.

[ReallyMadHermit]

Pray tell, what is it you’re being punished for?

Regardless, I’m going to insist you spend your 3-6 hours kneeling with your forehead on the table, in as cold of conditions as possible, and that instead of going straight to a cold shower, start with a scalding rinse, then jump out, possibly dunk your head in the (piss-filled?) toilet, while you wait for the water to turn cold, before continuing as you were… can’t have you used to the cold before your shower, it just wouldn’t be as shocking that way.

But, I think it’s most important the time suit the crime, so, tell us what you did that was so bad to deserve more than 24 hours of punishment, that ought to inspire some more interesting interactions, but I’m looking forward to the outcome either way.

[Tigerlily]

It's not straight-up punishment. It's a desire and a curiosity to see and feel the emotions this results in-- to put it in a sterile, psychological way.

But once I throw myself into that headspace for good, I can't teeter back and forth out of it.
In doing what you're stating would be the last think I would do to put me into the headspace, ready for at the very least kneeling on grits over night, and such, as I have described in previous posts.
I'm pretty laid back and straight forward right now, but with that, I would got 100% sub and stay in such from that point on throughout.

[Tigerlily]

Originally Posted by ReallyMadHermit

Pray tell, what is it you’re being punished for?

Regardless, I’m going to insist you spend your 3-6 hours kneeling with your forehead on the table, in as cold of conditions as possible, and that instead of going straight to a cold shower, start with a scalding rinse, then jump out, possibly dunk your head in the (piss-filled?) toilet, while you wait for the water to turn cold, before continuing as you were… can’t have you used to the cold before your shower, it just wouldn’t be as shocking that way.

But, I think it’s most important the time suit the crime, so, tell us what you did that was so bad to deserve more than 24 hours of punishment, that ought to inspire some more interesting interactions, but I’m looking forward to the outcome either way.

Ok, I am going to do this. I have an animal to feed though in 3ish hours. So, instead, I have an alarm for that time instead of a randomized timer.
It's where I know I will be spending my afternoon before I am truly given over to control and to dehumanize.
By doing all of this, I'm already pliable in someone's hands from it. I already am feeling vulnerable, and I am letting people who like control to take advantage of that.

I will be back in 3ish hours.

[Tigerlily]

Let's get the small note up here at top first: I stopped after 2 hours. There was a cucumber I was using anally and in my cunt and then there was blood at some point. But we're all good now. I know it's coming from my cunt. I cannot decide if I triggered my period early. I'm watching out for it. There's not a lot of blood now.

I'm all good. I've self-cared. I've talked to someone. It's been a small chunk of time since it happened. I will write a report once I am in the head space to write, when writing the other reports.
I'm feeling hungry as well, I ate very very little, after the incident occurred to calm my nerves, as I had been fasting today.



Currently, I am becoming sleepy, which means, I will soon be kneeling on grits on the wooden table top in the cold bathroom.
The 3 bathroom bulbs are 100W and there will be a lamp that is also 100W. Because of my history of getting out of position to see the time, the point of the kneeling, I have a large clock with no batteries in it to stare at.
At a time given to me, I will be starting out with 4 hours.
I have a bucket of ice water my head can be dunked in, along with being held there under water, in case I seem to start to drift.
My eyes have to stay open. If they close, I'm drifting off, and being held under water is the only way to correct that, to the point I struggle to be let back up for air.
I will start off with my head being held under water before kneeling on the grits for 4 hours. The longer I wait to start, the sleepier I get.
I will be switching to a humble position and lean on my calves to let my knees rest and get blood flow--I do this at need before straightening my back once more--whilst pressing my forehead hard into the table top--my forehead is really very sore as it is, so is the bridge of my nose, and there is redness and a little swelling.


I'm about to go and start this.

[ReallyMadHermit]

If the goal is headspace for the sake of personal experimentation, which I’m all for, very interesting, I think some long-term, inconvenient bondage is in order… not to immobilize, but to hobble, like feet unable to spread further than shoulder width apart, wrists half as far apart, that sort of thing, shouldn’t prevent you from doing any task but it’ll be something of a constant reminder of your position, and given long enough, might start to really wear on you. Binding your breasts in some way will likely add to the effect.

Just an idea, I’ll keep your thread in mind.

[Tigerlily]

I do not want to talk about it.

I will say that if you're not prepared to stop sub-drop before it hits more than once and don't have the mental capacity and confidence to handle more than one time of needing to snap out of what you're doing to go into comfort mode to avoid a hard crash, I do not believe the mental/psychological play I did is something that should be attempted/tried.
Now, I didn't have sub-drop, but it could have been very bad several times if I hadn't been able to respond as well as I did.


I do not want to talk about it because I am not sure what it hit psychologically within the 4 hours.
And I do not wish to discuss it here.
This is, different.
Private.
What happened in those 4 hours in the bathroom is still being processed psychologically and emotionally.