LilAngel's Guide to BDSM [updated regularly]

[LilAngel]

These were sent to me a few days ago via an eager user so I'll try my best to answer them!

---

1. How do the people find each other?

Obviously there are the overused sites (Fetlife, Collarme, etc.) and I can't go without advertising KinkTalk, getDare's sister site but the easiest way to find others is via RL events! Do a quick search on Google or find your local sex-toy store or club and they should be able to give you all the details on the next event. Now I do understand that attending these the first time could be a little daunting but just keep in mind that everyone had their first at some point in time! The more you build your network, the easier it becomes.

However if you're the more private type, I would suggest finding someone you really like and seeing if they're into BDSM! Urban myth says that the most innocent ones are often kinky. Who knows... maybe it's true! Just keep in mind to never offend anyone by bringing it up at the wrong time, or pushing it. If they say they are not interested in 'that kind of thing', laugh it off and change the topic. If you're worried that might judge you, you could always try to weave it into the conversation but talking about this friend you met last year who was kinky. [NOTE: Never give this person a name. There is absolutely no need to out anyone.] Watch for their reaction and know when to zip up your mouth!

2. Where does it go from there? Do they just talk to know eachother or it it straight into Mistress/Master mode?

Once you know for certain that they are either into the S/M scene or interested in learning more about it, try to get to know this person more. Non-sexually of course. Where did/do they study? What are their hobbies? The most stable S/M relationships always begin with close friends. You might find it easier on both ends if you try a few 'casual play' first. That way you can see what they are like during play and what you yourself enjoy more. When you begin a longer-term relationship, you will find that being friends allow you to communicate and have better trust.

3. What about online punishments? Is there anyway you really know the sub is doing their punishments? I have heard people using webcams to make sure that the punishments are done, but what if the sub just flat out says no?

Like all relationships, trust is the most important aspect. If a submissive doesn't like the idea of using a webcam, you cannot force them to use it. Same with providing pictures. As a dominant, you should not have to worry about whether the submissive has lied to you or not. Of course the usual 'Have you done ...?' is perfectly fine, but it is up to the submissive to tell you how they feel about the punishment. Many submissives may find it hard to bring up these issues with you so I strongly suggest that you occasionally remind them that they can talk to you about anything they want. The pitfalls of many dominants are the fact that they do not allow the submissive to speak or negotiate.

4. When a person starts out with online BDSM is it necessary to have their slave start a blog and send you daily reports?

Blogs or reports are not necessary but are ideal. They do however become tedious so do not overdo either. Usually, a blog would be sufficient enough to cover the important things they did that day. I would suggest a blog (at least updated weekly) and short quick email at least every 2-3 days. Often times it is more effective for these things to become a habit rather than a chore.

5. When you are on webcam is it necessary for the Mistress/Master to dress sexily to set the mood or can they just wear their pjs?

This is completely up to you. Dress however you wish (Green dinosaur costume for the kicks) but you might find that choosing your clothes 'well' could have certain effects on your submissive.

6. Will people think less of you if you don't show your face or wear a mask over it when you are on webcam?

Well... they really shouldn't. But some people are a little strange, aren't they?

7. What about on those off days when you just feel like being alone?

Again this comes down to communication. In a perfect scenario, the dominant would think of what would be best for you and sometimes... a little distraction might help. If the submissive insists however, the Master/Mistress should be respectful of the submissive and leave it to another day. On the other hand, if the Master/Mistress if feeling down, a quick text/email/etc. would be common protocol and more polite. Like everything else, these things should become natural and will come with time.

8. Is it necessary to check in on your slave once a day or can once a week work just as well? Would the Master/Mistress always have to send orders or will some days just be spent talking?

Really, it is up to the two in the relationship. S/M relationships should not feel like a job with rules and musts. Let the submissive be aware of your schedule, and make sure you are always polite to them - as if they were your friend or colleague. In fact, they should be more important than either of them.

9. Overall how do you feel about online domination? What does it entail? Adding an online aspects seems to me like it would complicate things but it just seems like it would be so much fun to try out!

I really feel hesitant about saying exactly what 'online domination' entails. You should really try it for yourself and build your foundation of knowledge from first hand experience. There is no set answer to anything when it comes to BDSM (heck, people cannot even agree what that acronym stands for!). Always keep an open mind and do not be afraid to talk things through. As you slowly begin to build an image of your ideal relationship, you'll find it easier to find people who are into the same things as you.

---

If anyone else has any questions for this guide, feel free to send me a PM. Peace!

[LilAngel]

As I am caught short of time, this will probably be a quick post. Since my much controversial thread on the difference between a submissive and a slave a few years ago, my views and my understanding of BDSM has changed drastically.

Submissive vs Slave

To many, these terms are used interchangeably. To others, one may seem 'more real' or 'superior' to the other. But like many things in the BDSM world, there is no set definition of what a submissive is and what a slave is. Heck, we cannot even decide what 'BDSM' actually stands for. Our best hope of understanding the two terms are through analysing personal experiences, and determining whether you actually want to categorise them into submissive behaviour or slave behaviour. For example, using a safe word. Do you (and your partner) consider this a submissive behaviour (as slaves are commonly believed to have 'no limits')?

If yes, this is perfectly reasonable and those who disagree should accept your opinion. However, you should not automatically assume it is the correct belief as individuals in other relationships may have a different interpretation of the two terms. Issues arise in the BDSM community when people are being labelled something that has no defined meaning.

Exclusivity to BDSM Community

It is true that the words 'slave' and 'Master' have been used since humans knew words but they are absolutely not restricted to the BDSM community. However, until recently these words have mostly been used in illegal circumstances. Minority groups or class differences have defined those who are slaves (and those who are not) for thousand of years but luckily, slavery has been outlawed in most countries around the world.

A further debate are in the words 'submissive' and 'dominant'. In my opinion, although these words are used in the BDSM community as a proper noun (and correctly so), they represent a type of personality that is present in all people. Some people can be more submissive than dominant and vice versa, but they do not need to be within the BDSM scene.

Capitalisation
Master, Dom, Sir, Mistress, Miss, etc.

Once again, completely up to the two within a relationship. We all know it is a popular protocol within the scene but it is completely unfair to say that a submissive is 'disrespectful' for not doing so, unless you are their dominant partner.

One of my pet peeves however is when submissives are told to use a lower case in personal pronouns (ie. 'i') and when dominants are required to be capitalised in objective personal pronouns (ie. 'Her', 'His', 'Him'). This may trigger a lot of debate but I find it completely unnecessary for members of the BDSM community to alter the basic rules of the English language in order to demonstrate hierarchy. Respect does not need to be achieved through capitalised words. If that is the only thing defining your relationship, I suggest you sit down with your partner and have a really good talk about it - because to me, that's absurd.

---

So there you go; my two cents on one of the most controversial topics in the BDSM community. I really hope that you develop your own opinion however, as it will only help you understand BDSM better.