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Old 06-14-2013, 12:57 AM   #1
caycay
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Default Truth or dare with my sisters friends?!

Chapter one

Hi my name is christopher it is the beginning of summer , and tonight my sister, katie, is going to have a small party with just three of her closest friends danyielle, brook, and Jesse. Normally she wouldn't be able to but mom and dad won't be home until school starts, so Katie obviously decided to take advantage. I hear the doorbell ring so I walk over from my room to see that Jesse got here early I'm happy because I've had a crush on her for years now. I say hi and invite her in.
"Do you want something to eat or drink I can go make it real quick" I ask. "Not now" Katie said.
You see I lost a bet with her yesterday so today I will be their party favor I think is what Katie called it. I'm basically supposed to make sure they all stay happy and everything. Seems simple enough.
The doorbell rings again and standing there is danyielle and Brooke.
Brooke pushes me aside and runs to hug Katie, and danyielle gives me her purse. Katie yelled at me to go put it in her room.
After I finished I came back in to find they were playing truth or dare I thought it was just something between friends and. They would order each other to do things so I started to walk to my room.
Katie ran up and grabbed me, and threw me to her friends who made me sit down to play too. Brooke automatically asked me truth or dare. Obviously I said truth because no one picks dare the first round.
"What do you think we will do to you tonight" asked Brooke." I don't really know" i said.
Katie and danyielle laughed. Now I think something bad might happen
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Old 06-14-2013, 03:39 AM   #2
res
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Hello caycay,

I guess you won't mind if I give you some feedback for your story.

I like the setting and the general idea behind your story - but you should really reread it after writing. There are so many mistakes in this small text, which could have been avoided purely by reading it 2 or three times.
Also you seem to overdo things. You just jump from him going to get the purse in his sisters room to them playing T&D.
But really the biggest problem I see is the number of grammatical and ortographical mistakes.

So for the next parts: Reread them 3 times and you will certainly get better stories (:

Kind regards
res

P.S.: Oh, and also make them a bit longer - this one was really short.
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Old 06-14-2013, 09:30 AM   #3
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It certainly has potential. I agree with res, and you may want to add some ages too.
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Old 06-14-2013, 09:35 AM   #4
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Ignore them... This isn't school. If you enjoy writing you should just do it
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Old 06-14-2013, 12:06 PM   #5
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I know it has bad errors I think it's because I'm on my iPod which makes it more difficult to type
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Old 06-14-2013, 04:18 PM   #6
res
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Well, that's something I didn't know

And to jessie: Of course you are right there. It was just a hint to get people to actually read the story - many people stop reading when they find like 2 mistakes (had to learn this the hard way ). Of course nobody is perfect and writing on a phone is kinda hard - but a simple reread also helps to find parts which you yourself do not like that much. I'm often writing stories (not in English, though, as it's not my first language) and often I just reread something and then completeley change it up - just because I think I could have done that better.
Still only talking for me here - and I did not try to offend you at any point, caycay (:
Hope I cleared up a bit.

Kind regards
res
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