A dare that led to...

[halomaster117]

Background:
Max and Marry are 13
Ginger and Sam are 14
They are having a sleepover at Marry's place and they are playing truth or dare.

PART I
"Your turn Max." said Marry.
"OK, truth or dare Ginger?" asked Max.
"Dare," she said.
"I dare you to strip to your underwear and give yourself a bra connection wedgie," Max said.
"Do I have to?" she said.
"Yes," he said.

Ginger slowly took off her top, and pulled down her pants. She was wearing pink panties and bra. She gave herself a wedgie, and then undid her bra and redid it through her panties. She then got dressed.

"OK, Max, Truth or dare?" she said
"dare." he said.
"I dare you to go into that closit over there with Marry and compleatly strip for her. Do anything she says for 10 minots."

The two went into the closit. Max hesitated.
"Would you feal better if I striped too?" she asked.
"ya," he said.

The two stiped compleatly, nothing left out. The closit was small. The two sat down, but they were unable to ovoid touching each other. Before the two knew it, they were kissing. Then, they started to have sex. The door to the closit swung open...

PART II COMING SOON!

[reallybored]

Try to show more details and emotion.
Write something like:
Suddenly, the door to the closest opened, they both blushed and turned around so their genitals would not be...
An easy way to show emotions is by writing about facial expressions. Try that on your next part. :P

[halomaster117]

PART II
The 2 tried to cover up with some cloths that were in the closit. Ginger and Sam just stood there, staring at them. Their faces were shocked. "What the heck is going on in here?" Sam screamed at the top of his lungs.
"I only told Sam to strip, why are you naked Marry?" she quested hardly.
"Well I... He... We..." She coudnt put words togeher.
"I hesitated, and Marry asked me if I would feal better if she striped too. Then before we knew it we were having sex. I don't know how it happened..." Max said.
Sam reached for his cloths. Sam and Ginger took them away, along with Marry's.
"If you with to have these back, you must be our slaves for the rest of the weekend. Also, I will tell your parents if you don't coroperate," said Sam. "I get Marry, Ginger you get Max."
"OK, Come with me Max. Leave yourself compleatly exposed" said Ginger. Ginger and Max went into the kitchen, Max totoly exposed. Ginger took out a bowl and filled it with milkyogert, and orang juce. She sat it on the ground. "Drink it. All of it." she commanded. Max looked at the bowl as if it was full of furry spiders, and grabed the bowl. Ginger slaped him. "You may not use your hands. You may only use your face." And with that she shoved Max's face into the bowl. 'This is going to be a long weekend' He thought.

PART III COMING SOON!

[halomaster117]

Originally Posted by Davros

http://www.spellcheck.net/

lololololololololololololololololololololololololo lololololololololololololololololololololol
COULD U PLEASE TELL ME WHAT U THINK?

[halomaster117]

PART III

The mush tasted like slime! Max tried to lift his head but Ginger kept it down. Max had no choice but to eat the mush. After he was done, Ginger threw him onto the floor, and kicked him in the balls 10 times. Afterword, Max was unable to move, seeing as he was kicked in the balls 10 times without warning. "Get up" said Ginger. Max was bearily able to stand. Ginger bent over and pulled down her pants and panties. "Lick my but whole for 60 seconds!" she comanded. Max stuck his tonge right on Ginger's butt. It taisted sour. After 60 seconds, Ginger took off her pants and panties compleatly. "Lick my pus**!" She said. Max stook his toung right on her pussy. It was wet and slimy, and hairy. Meanwile, Ginger was taking off her shirt and bra. "STOP!" she commanded. Max looked up to find his surprise. Max staired at Ginger, and Ginger staired at Max. Then, they started to have sex...

PART IV COMING SOON

[reallybored]

The story is okay, but it is a little rushed.
I would suggest to write slower and with more emotions even though it is a lot better than the first part. Sometimes the story sounds like a list, for example:

Max had no choice but to eat the mush. After he was done, Ginger threw him onto the floor, and kicked him in the balls 10 times. Afterword, Max was unable to move, seeing as he was kicked in the balls 10 times without warning.

Did you notice every sentence from this quote started with after or afterword?
I would suggest more of a flowing story and not a list.
I used to have this kind of trouble a lot but I got over it.
Lastly, try to be more creative with dares and try to make the dares sound long and interesting.

"Lick my but whole for 60 seconds!" she comanded. Max stuck his tonge right on Ginger's butt. It taisted sour.

Try to make parts like this last longer.

The idea is very good and creative but the work looks kind of rushed and sometimes feels like a list.

[halomaster117]

PART IV
Marry opened the door to the kitchen. She had her bra and panties on, in a bra connection. She staired at the two. They didn't notice at first, but then Max saw her. He jumped back. He didn't bother covering his penis for he had had sex with her only about a half an hour ago. "Oh my," said Marry. Ginger turned around and covered her breasts with her arms and pus** with her legs.

"What are you doing in here?" asked Genger
At this moment, Sam walked in. "How hard is it to get a glass of water?" He asked, then saw Ginger. "wew," he said softly.
"I saw Ginger and Max having sex." said Marry.
"wew, wew, wew," said Sam. "Where is that glass of water?" he asked Marry. She got it. You could tell that she felt alot of pain becouse of the wedgie. Marry and Sam left. Genger got dressed.

"Get up." she commanded. "Wait here.". Ginger left and came back with a pink bra and pink panties. "Put them on." Max did as was instructed. "Close your eyes. Keep them shut". Max closed them. "Keep still" she said. Max felt a hard wedie, then the bra geting undun, and then a bra-connection wedgie!

PART V COMING SOON
P.S.: PLEASE LEAVE COMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[halomaster117]

Originally Posted by Davros

My last piece of advice: slow down.

k















k

[Mod Edit: Slightly reduced the amount of space between your 'k's. It's a feng shui thing.]

[reallybored]

You may want to slow down to get more comments.

I notice how you get better in each part.
I really liked this sentence and this is how your story should sound:

You could tell that she felt alot of pain becouse of the wedgie.

showing how the dares feel is a great way to make a story sound interesting and to make the dares sound harder.

[Bigman72]

dude omg......... my gf saw me looking at this and she thought hmmmmmm ill us this as a threat and of course like i said im home alone this weekend so she said that im her slave for the weekend and also said that if i dnt do as she says then shes going to tell wat site i looked on.................... but any way great story so far and also she wanted me to ask for dares i could do

[halomaster117]

PART V

The wedgie was extreamly painful! Ginger then went to the refrigurator and got a carton of eggs. She threw them at Sam reapetidly. The first one hit his forhead. Then they started to land in the mouth area. After it was done, Genger wiped the stuff off of his face, and said: "Follow me." They went into the living room where Sam was peeing on Marry. He quickly stoped once he noticed Genger in the room. "I have an idea." said Genger. "Follow me. You two stay here." Ginger and Sam left and came back with rope and handcuffs.

They pusshed Marry and Max together, put their hands around the other's back, and handuffed. They then tied them so they could not move their legs. "We know that you like each other, so we came up with this: Max spits in Marry's face. Then Marry spits in Max's face. Then again. Keep doing that untill we say stop."

Max looked at Marry with hesitation. "Go ahead." she said. He spit, with it landing on her forhead. Then she spit on Max. It landed right on his nose. It was slimy and gross! This contenued literly for a hour.

PART FINISHED
PART VI COMING SOON!

[Trystaan]

Ok Halo. I think if you want to improve your story you have to spend more time on each part. Making it Longer and more detailed. You have written 5 average short segments in 3 1/2 hours. You could have wrote one or two long detailed pieces in the time. The pieces would have been more detailed, better quality, easier to understand and would give more enjoyment for the reader. The story has potential but only if you let it develop well. My little rant here has been longer than some of your segments!

For your next segment spend atleast 30 minutes writing. Then 15 minutes improving then 15 minutes checking and correcting errors. You will find that the presentation and quality will rise dramatically.

Trystan

[halomaster117]

acidentily hit post. didnt mean to. will add to part 5

[halomaster117]

PART V finished.

[halomaster117]

PART VI
By the time they were finished Max's face and Marry's face was soking wet with spit. Still in bra-connection wedgie. Sam noticed the time, midnight
"Time for bed. we have a surprise in for you two" he said.
"Follow us" said Genger. Sam and Genger led their slaves outside, where there was 30°F tempature! "You two will remain out here for the night. Give us the remains of your cloths." Max and Marry took off their bra and panties and gave them to their master or mistriss. They were then left alone in the cold.

"We are sure to freaz to death." said Max
"We just need to find a way to keep warm," said Marry
"We could sleep in that bush..."
"No, that would not keep us warm at all"
"Well what do you suggest we do, becouse I don't plan dieing tonight."
"Well, our bodies give off their own heat, so maybe if we have sex we could stay warm"

The two agread. Thus they started to have sex...

PART VII COMING SOON