✖✖ Ask a Leopard for Useful and Practical Advice ✖

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 08:33 AM

Cold hearted, rational advice that you probably don't want to hear, courtesy of a jerk that may also give complete joke responses alongside. Roar.

I will not answer "questions" that aren't actually asking for advice. I have an ask me anything thread for that.

Trolls will be eaten.

Ask for advice!
(All Submissions are Anonymous.)

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 08:44 AM

❝ I'm really hungry, what do I do? ❞

Hunt small children.

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 08:50 AM

❝ I really love Pingu, but he is only interested in incest and donkeys. It's making me so upset. Help please! ❞

PM him with the lyrics to romantic songs translated to French. The whole song. It’s the only way through to his heart.

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 08:51 AM

❝ I like meat but I'm a vegetarian, how can I eat meat but not eat meat but secretly eat meat. ❞

Invest in tofu. So much tofu that you can build castles with the stuff. Then paint it meat coloured.

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 10:19 AM

❝ Every time I walk, run or jog, my penis goes up inside me. It hurts, and is extremely uncomfortable. I know I should go see a doctor, but I'd much rather get advice from you, as it's quicker and less embarrassing. Please help? ❞

Duct tape. Lots of duct tape. Duct tape holds the universe together, and we can all agree that the universe is more important than one person, so who are you to argue with what fixes the universe? Duct tape that cock in place.

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 10:23 AM

❝ Why can't I get a girlfriend? ❞

Usually I've found that you find one when you've stopped looking or trying; running around screaming from every rooftop never works. Well it does sometimes, but only at Christmas and you don't really want to date Santa. The best advice is usually to make friends with people, and make a move before being friend-zoned. And by make a move I mean tell them or kiss them, not look longingly or hang around with sad puppy looks or obviously seeking attention. And not a friggen text or email. Man up and say it properly. Yeah.

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 10:34 AM

❝ nd sum1 to b my mistrezz, wt shud i do? ❞

You need to be something appealing to her. Do you sound appealing to her right now? No. No, you do not. Why would a Mistress waste her time on you, a one liner with no effort, charm, creativity or information, when she could have me? You see, Mistress, I am earnestly in need of someone to take pity on my selfish, whoring ways. I need someone strong that will take control of me the way that I am unable to control myself. But most of all, I need you, Mistress, in any way that I might serve you. etc.

What should you do? You should put some fucking effort into at least appearing to be desirable.

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 11:00 AM

❝ Since we all know Manbearpig is way cooler than you, is there anyway you can go away? ❞

First of all, that isn't asking advice, it's a request. Secondly, Manbearpig is not cool. He is in fact somewhere in America right now, drooling over a cheese coated cheese mountain of pizza with extra cheese, declaring it to be cuisine. So as long as I don't venture to the mountain of cheese, I'm away.

I'm nowhere near any cheese right now.

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 11:06 AM

❝ What kind of cheese should I have today? ❞

Mozerella. I had a mozerella sandwich yesterday. It was great.

Leopard · 01-11-2011, 11:26 AM

❝ I want to tear off all my clothes and fuck you hard. Any advice or should I just go for it? ❞

You'd have more success if you stripped, then crawled up slowly, asking if I'd please, please consider your offer of submission. Then I might consider it. Alternatively, I take paypal!*

*Not a real money offer.**

**Unless you really want to give me money for nothing.

CollaredBlondie · 01-11-2011, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leopard

What should you do? You should put some fucking effort into at least appearing to be desirable.

This = ultimate win.

I <3 you.

Leopard · 01-12-2011, 12:46 AM

❝ HOW THE FUCK DO I FIX HOTMAIL?! ❞

Get gmail, it's better in every way.

Leopard · 01-12-2011, 03:19 AM

❝ My fingers are sore. What ever shall I do my dearest Leopard? ❞

Cut them off, and donate them to science. Use the money to buy candy which will make you feel better.

Leopard · 01-12-2011, 05:21 AM

❝ If I were paddling upstream in a river of chocolate pudding in a kayak and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes can fit inside a doghouse? (Urgent) ❞

I'll get back to you.

Leopard · 01-12-2011, 05:24 AM

❝ Why are you so mean?
Can we report you to depp for trolling? ❞

It's the result of many years' careful breeding and select feeding on only the tenderest of braised duck. I don't think I'm mean; I'm honest. The truth just hurts because people want it sugar coated so that they can feel better about their self pity. Accept responsibility for your own actions.

Sure you can, if I ever troll. But I'm not trolling

Am I?

01-11-2011, 08:33 AM	#1
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	✖✖ Ask a Leopard for Useful and Practical Advice ✖ Cold hearted, rational advice that you probably don't want to hear, courtesy of a jerk that may also give complete joke responses alongside. Roar. I will not answer "questions" that aren't actually asking for advice. I have an ask me anything thread for that. Trolls will be eaten. Ask for advice! (All Submissions are Anonymous.) Last edited by Leopard; 01-13-2011 at 03:56 PM.

01-11-2011, 08:44 AM	#2
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ I'm really hungry, what do I do? ❞ Hunt small children.

01-11-2011, 08:50 AM	#3
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ I really love Pingu, but he is only interested in incest and donkeys. It's making me so upset. Help please! ❞ PM him with the lyrics to romantic songs translated to French. The whole song. It’s the only way through to his heart.

01-11-2011, 08:51 AM	#4
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ I like meat but I'm a vegetarian, how can I eat meat but not eat meat but secretly eat meat. ❞ Invest in tofu. So much tofu that you can build castles with the stuff. Then paint it meat coloured.

01-11-2011, 10:19 AM	#5
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ Every time I walk, run or jog, my penis goes up inside me. It hurts, and is extremely uncomfortable. I know I should go see a doctor, but I'd much rather get advice from you, as it's quicker and less embarrassing. Please help? ❞ Duct tape. Lots of duct tape. Duct tape holds the universe together, and we can all agree that the universe is more important than one person, so who are you to argue with what fixes the universe? Duct tape that cock in place.

01-11-2011, 10:23 AM	#6
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ Why can't I get a girlfriend? ❞ Usually I've found that you find one when you've stopped looking or trying; running around screaming from every rooftop never works. Well it does sometimes, but only at Christmas and you don't really want to date Santa. The best advice is usually to make friends with people, and make a move before being friend-zoned. And by make a move I mean tell them or kiss them, not look longingly or hang around with sad puppy looks or obviously seeking attention. And not a friggen text or email. Man up and say it properly. Yeah.

01-11-2011, 10:34 AM	#7
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ nd sum1 to b my mistrezz, wt shud i do? ❞ You need to be something appealing to her. Do you sound appealing to her right now? No. No, you do not. Why would a Mistress waste her time on you, a one liner with no effort, charm, creativity or information, when she could have me? You see, Mistress, I am earnestly in need of someone to take pity on my selfish, whoring ways. I need someone strong that will take control of me the way that I am unable to control myself. But most of all, I need you, Mistress, in any way that I might serve you. etc. What should you do? You should put some fucking effort into at least appearing to be desirable.

01-11-2011, 11:00 AM	#8
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ Since we all know Manbearpig is way cooler than you, is there anyway you can go away? ❞ First of all, that isn't asking advice, it's a request. Secondly, Manbearpig is not cool. He is in fact somewhere in America right now, drooling over a cheese coated cheese mountain of pizza with extra cheese, declaring it to be cuisine. So as long as I don't venture to the mountain of cheese, I'm away. I'm nowhere near any cheese right now.

01-11-2011, 11:06 AM	#9
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ What kind of cheese should I have today? ❞ Mozerella. I had a mozerella sandwich yesterday. It was great.

01-11-2011, 11:26 AM	#10
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ I want to tear off all my clothes and fuck you hard. Any advice or should I just go for it? ❞ You'd have more success if you stripped, then crawled up slowly, asking if I'd please, please consider your offer of submission. Then I might consider it. Alternatively, I take paypal!* Not a real money offer.* **Unless you really want to give me money for nothing.

01-12-2011, 12:46 AM	#12
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ HOW THE FUCK DO I FIX HOTMAIL?! ❞ Get gmail, it's better in every way.

01-12-2011, 03:19 AM	#13
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ My fingers are sore. What ever shall I do my dearest Leopard? ❞ Cut them off, and donate them to science. Use the money to buy candy which will make you feel better.

01-12-2011, 05:21 AM	#14
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ If I were paddling upstream in a river of chocolate pudding in a kayak and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes can fit inside a doghouse? (Urgent) ❞ I'll get back to you.

01-12-2011, 05:24 AM	#15
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	❝ Why are you so mean? Can we report you to depp for trolling? ❞ It's the result of many years' careful breeding and select feeding on only the tenderest of braised duck. I don't think I'm mean; I'm honest. The truth just hurts because people want it sugar coated so that they can feel better about their self pity. Accept responsibility for your own actions. Sure you can, if I ever troll. But I'm not trolling Am I?