[Fiction] Britain's Most Daring

[alli55]

As eight o’clock approaches, the excitement in the function room at the Community Centre is reaching fever pitch.

There are 24 of us, in total, with many meeting each other for the first time, properly. All five of Lissie’s friends who were at the barbecue on Monday have come along, together with their families, in most cases: Rosie is here with her Mam and Dad, and her little brother, Alfie, who is proving to be a real livewire; Keira’s Mam and Dad and her older brother, Luke, are all here, but her other older brother, Arron, the one who works at MFA Bowl in North Shields, is at work; Luisa’s Dad is a fireman and he’s on duty so can’t be here, but her Mam is, together with her younger sister, Angelica; the whole Greek contingent have turned up, with Elora joined by her older sister, Calysta, her younger brother, Tarynn, and little sister, Rydia, who is toddling around and enjoying the attention from all the mothers who have forgotten the bad bits of having young children and just remember the cuteness! Only Rayna doesn’t have any family with her: she’s an only child, and her Mam is working again this evening. Stacie and her Mam are also here, at Maddie’s request, and I have a really nice time catching up with Justine again, as I haven’t seen her since Christmas.

With the clock on the wall showing a couple of minutes to 8, Lissie walks over to the TV and turns it on. The sudden intrusion of the adverts grabs everyone’s attention, and we all begin to find somewhere to sit and watch the programme. As the last advert comes to an end, an expectant hush falls over the room, broken only by Rydia’s quiet babbling.

“You’re watching Channel 4, where it’s time for this week’s Britain’s Most Daring …” the announcer begins, before being interrupted by a very familiar sultry-yet-authoritative female voice.

“And, sleep!” instructs the Dare Deliverer. There is a silent pause, which is broken by a chuckle. The Dare Deliverer continues, “Well, my faithful dare followers, why don’t we see how well trained this one is, hmmm?!” There is another chuckle, before she instructs, “Do the proper introduction!”

The announcer begins again, “And now on Channel 4, let’s see what wonderful dares the magnificent Dare Deliverer has for her little daredevils this week! She is brilliant! Much better than those other two!”

“Good, very good!” says the Dare Deliverer. We hear her click her fingers, and then the opening titles of Britain’s Most Daring begin. It is noticeable that this week they feature quite a bit of footage of the hypnotised Joe embarrassing himself on last week’s show. Has the Dare Deliverer been up to her tricks with the producers of the opening titles? The end of the title sequence is accompanied, as always, by the sound of applause from the studio audience. As we’ve come to expect, the screen fades to black, and a caption, in white writing, appears: ‘Last week on Britain’s Most Daring …’

This week’s opening montage is divided into three distinct parts, to reflect last week’s show. We begin with highlights of the Chilli Challenge, during which we see: Gemma appear to wretch, shake her head, and throw the chilli she’s holding onto the table in front of her; Matt, in close-up, his eyes watering; Eilidh’s face contort in agony as she chews on a chilli; Dylan pummel a red chilli with his fists, leaving it as pulp on the table; and Keenan, his face red and a nervous tick affecting his cheek, stand up and raise his arms aloft. Clips from the Meadowland Menu follow: Jaz nibbles on some fried earthworms; Gemma picks the white petals off a large daisy and eats them; Bradley sucks his burnt fingers as ants escape from his frying pan; Keenan puts a jar to his mouth and allows the aphids to fly or slide in; and Trixie fries some maggots. After this, we get highlights of the Deep-Fried Experiment that Britain’s Most Daring conducted: Bradley trying in vain to bite into a deep-fried baked potato; Eilidh enthusing over deep-fried meringue; Mia bravely eating a deep-fried pickled egg, despite looking as if she’s about to gag; Eilidh enthusing over deep-fried shortbread; and Gemma eating lumps of brightly-coloured goo. The montage then continues as we see: Shanumi recoil in disgust as eyeballs stare back at her from the dish on her table; Bradley prodding a suspicious-looking object in his dish; Gemma taking a bite out of her lamb’s testicle; and Bradley eating his frog’s leg. A large red number 11 appears on the screen over a shot of Shanumi waving and walking off; as she exits the second 1 changes to a 0 before the number 10 then fades out. Enthusiastic applause from the studio audience greets the end of the montage.

Goodness knows what’s been happening in the costume department this week, as Trixie is in a sleeveless one-piece burgundy jumpsuit that stops at her shins, and Joe appears to be wearing a pair of dark green overalls!

“Hello,” Trixie beams, “and welcome to Britain’s Most Daring! I’m Trixie Stonehill, …”

“… and I’m Joe Denecker,” adds Joe.

“Following one or two comments on social media,” Trixie tells us, “we’ve been asked to point out that no animals were harmed in the making of last week’s show, …”

“… apart from the ants we fried, the earthworms we fried, the maggots we fried, the snails we boiled, and the aphids we ate, obviously!” continues Joe, with a grin. “Other than that, definitely no animals were harmed at all!”

A smirking Trixie states, “So, that clears that up!”

“After last week’s assault on wor daredevil’s digestive systems,” Joe goes on, “we gave them some Alka Seltzer, and sat them down to hear what the mad woman had in store for them this week!”

“This is what our very own Dare Deliverer had to say,” Trixie enlightens us, introducing the first filmed segment.

We see Trixie, Joe, and the daredevils, in the usual seating arrangement, in the outfits they were wearing on last week’s show. As the Dare Deliverer’s dulcet tones waft over everyone, the camera pans along the faces of the daredevils, looking for any reaction they might show.

“Hello, again, my little daredevils,” she begins, her voice displaying all its usual sultriness, “this week, I want you to think carefully about your wardrobe. Starting from this Sunday, I dare you to wear one item less each day for the rest of this week, finishing next Saturday! You can start with as many clothes as you like, or as few as you dare! So, which will it be, my little clothes horses?”

From their reactions, we can see that some of the daredevils are a little confused about this week’s dare. It would be unfair to say anyone was shocked by the dare, but one or two have certainly been taken by surprise. Ayla, in particular, seems a little taken aback at the idea of wearing less and less as the week goes by.

“Have fun!” the Dare Deliverer tells them, as the clip comes to an end.

Back, live, in the studio, Trixie takes up the explanation of the dare. “So, the daredevils have to decide how many items of clothing they are going to start the week wearing, and then, each day, they have to wear one item fewer.”

“Which, obviously, means that they’re going to have to think carefully about how much they start the week wearing,” Joe remarks, “otherwise things might get very interesting, not to mention revealing!”

“Now, for the purposes of this dare,” Trixie informs us, “pairs of clothes, like socks, stockings, gloves, etcetera, are counted as one item; and shoes, or other footwear, are not included in the items counted.”

“Wor daredevils were given a bit of time to think things over,” Joe continues, “and then they were each asked to confirm how many items they would be starting with. Once they’d done that, Trixie and I had a quick word with them. Here’s what they had to say.”

A segue of mini interviews begins with Trixie asking Mia, “So, Mia, what do you make of this week’s dare?”

“It’s very different from the others we’ve had,” Mia remarks, “and it’ll be easy to do. But it’ll probably feel quite strange later in the week, when I’m not wearing much! I don’t quite know how that’s going to go!”

“How many items are you starting with?”

“Seven! I was going to start on eight, but I think everyone will at least do that, so to make sure I don’t end up in the Dare-Off, I think I need to go lower!”

“Have you worked out what that’s going to leave you with at the end of the week?”

“Yeah! That’s what’s going to feel weird!”

We next see Trixie talking to Jaz. “So, Jaz, what are your plans?”

“I’m starting with seven items,” Jaz reveals. “I think most people will do that! That leaves me with only one at the end of the week, but I know how I can do that, so that’s okay!”

“Are you looking forward to the dare?”

“Not really, but at least I know I can do it!”

Gemma is the next daredevil to be interrogated. It’s Joe asking the questions this time.

“Well, Gemma,” he begins, “what do you think of this week’s dare?”

“I quite like the sound of it!” she tells him. “There’s no mad rushing about to do stuff, so that’s easier! And my boss will be happy to actually get a full week’s work out of us!”

“Apart from the Bank Holiday, of course!” Joe points out.

“Oh, is there a Bank Holiday?” Gemma asks. Joe nods. “That’s a bonus!” she exclaims.

“So, how many items are you starting with?”

“Seven! There’s no way you can do any less than that!” Gemma declares. “And I’m just going to have to sacrifice my undies for the cause!”

Trixie’s next interview is with Keenan. “It’s a bit of a weird one!” he tells her, when she asks for his reaction to the dare.

“And how many items are you starting with?”

“Well, there’s seven days in a week,” Keenan explains, “and you’ve got to make sure you’re wearing one item at the end, so, obviously, you’ve got to start with eight!” Either his maths is wrong, or everyone else, so far, has miscalculated.

“Eilidh,” Joe asks, “can I get your reaction to this week’s dare?”

“Ehm, I’m no sure what I make of it,” she admits. “It sounds really simple, but there has tae be a twist somewhere, or else, otherwise, everyone’s gonnae end up doing the same thing and how will they score that?”

“So, what d’you think the twist might be?”

“I dinnae know, but there has tae be one! I’ve gottae try tae figure out what it is!”

“And, how many items are you starting with?”

“Seven,” she answers, adding, “and I bet everyone else is the same!” She’s nearly right!

The next ‘quick word’ is with Matt. “Happy with the dare?” Joe asks him.

“Yeah!” he replies.

“What are you starting on?”

“Seven items. Any less and I’m doing the full monty, and no-one wants to see that!” he laughs.

“Dylan,” begins Trixie, “any ideas for this week’s dare?”

“Yeah, I’ve got one or two!” Dylan replies. “I think your score is going to depend on how creative you are with your choice of clothes, so I’m planning to have some fun with that!”

“And starting with how many?”

“Seven, the bare minimum!” he chuckles.

Trixie is with Bradley for her next chat. “Looking forward to this dare?” she asks him.

“It’s alright!” he replies, not giving anything away.

“You got any plans of how to do it?”

“Leave one extra thing off each day, really!”

“Right, and that’s starting with how many?”

“Eight!”

“You didn’t look happy when the Dare Deliverer told you what you had to do this week!” Joe remarks to Ayla.

“No, I’m not keen on this at all!” she admits. “I like my clothes, and I’d rather keep them all on, thank you very much!”

“So, how many items are you going to start with?”

“Nine,” she answers. “That’s probably more than some of the others, but I want to make sure I can see the dare right the way through, so I’ve got to play it safe a bit!”

Already, it looks as if Ayla may be heading for the Dare-Off!

The last daredevil to face the questioning is Tommy. Joe begins by asking him how he feels about the dare.

“Yeah, it’s alright. Should be a laugh! But I’ll probably be getting some strange looks later on this week!”

“How many items are you starting with?”

“Well, it’s got to be seven, ha’n’t it?!”

Live in the studio, Trixie sums it all up. “Well, there you have it! Most of our daredevils are starting on seven items, which will mean they’ll be down to just one by the end of week, … if they can handle that! We’ll see how they get on after this break!”

Well, this week’s dare is certainly different! It’s left me wondering two things: how are they going to fill the next hour when the dare basically just involves people wearing clothes, rather than actually doing anything; and are we, by the end of the show, going to be seeing rather more of the daredevils than is reasonable for a family show? Oh, and a third thing, just what did Gemma have to do in Maddie’s bedroom last Monday?

[alli55]

Lissie and her friends are having a hard time dealing with Rosie’s little brother. He wants to sit with his sister, but he isn’t interested enough in the programme to sit still and watch it. So, he’s climbing all over Rosie, and generally getting under the girls’ feet.

I think about intervening, but am spared the trouble, when Rosie gets up and drags Alfie over to where their Mam and Dad are sat. She dumps him with them, saying, “He’s doing my head in!” Her Mam picks Alfie up and sits him on her lap. Satisfied with this arrangement, Rosie returns to the others.

I look across at the other of the little children, Rydia. She seems quite content playing with her stackable cups. If her older sister, Elora, is anything to go by, then I suspect that Rydia will be as good as gold this evening!

“Welcome back to this week’s Britain’s Most Daring!” Trixie exclaims.

“Wor daredevils have an interesting dare to perform this week,” Joe reminds us, “which has required a bit of planning ahead. Some of them have done rather better than others with that!”

“So, after they’d all confirmed how many items of clothing they’d be starting the week with,” Trixie continues, “our daredevils were let loose, ready to begin their dare the next morning.”

“Before they went, though,” Joe points out, “we fitted each of them with a GPS tracker, and made sure we had their phone numbers!”

“That’s right!” Trixie adds. “In order to make sure that they were wearing the correct number of clothes each day, we needed to be able to find them any time of the day, no matter where they were!”

“Yes, indeed,” remarks Joe, “because wor crack team of clothes inspectors were going to have a busy week ahead of them!”

Trixie grins, as she informs us, “Our clothes inspectors could turn up, at a moment’s notice, wherever their randomly selected daredevil happened to be; and they had to be able to demonstrate that they were wearing the correct number of items of clothing.”

“Failure to do so will count heavily against them,” Joe warns, “because we all know what happens on this show, don’t we?! If you flop you’re dropped!”

Lissie, Rayna, Luisa, and Elora all say Joe’s catchphrase with him. They then look at each other and burst out laughing, causing Rydia to knock her stack of cups over.

“So, with everybody kitted out and forewarned,” says Trixie “let’s see how the week began for our daredevils!”

The screen goes black, and, in large white writing, the words ‘Sunday: Day 1” appear. They stay on our screens for a couple of seconds, and then we see Richie, in his trademark tatty jacket and jeans, standing outside an ordinary-looking house in an ordinary-looking street.

“Right, we’re here!” he declares. He then looks into camera and says, “That, behind me, is Jaz’s house; and according to my little bleeping friend here,” he points to his tracking device, “that’s where she is right now. So, let’s go and see if she’s kept to the dare!”

We are now at the front door, with Richie having rung the doorbell. A middle-aged lady answers the door.

“Ah, you must be Jaz’s Mum,” Richie says, “hello!”

“Hello!” she says, and then turns and shouts, “Jasmine, you’re wanted!”

Jaz appears and smiles self-consciously when she sees Richie. “I know what you want!” she tells him. “Right, start counting!” As she shows him what she’s wearing, a counter appears in the corner of the screen; it increases by one with each item that Jaz reveals. “Cardigan, top, skirt, socks,” she says, pointing to each item as she mentions it. “Belt,” she adds, waggling it with her fingers, “bra,” she takes one arm out of her cardigan and pulls down the shoulder of her top enough to show the strap of her bra, “and pants.” She lifts the side of her skirt to show a brief glimpse of underwear, proving her point. The counter has reached 7, and a green tick appears next to it, accompanied by a pinging sound, confirming that Jaz has on the correct number of items.

“That’s fine!” states Richie. “Keep up the good work!”

Olly is strolling near the clock tower on Weymouth sea front, which we recognise from Mia’s photobombing exploits. It must be quite a warm day, since he is wearing a t-shirt and shorts, though it’s windy enough for his quaffed hair to be blowing around wildly.

“Okay, time to check up on Mia!” he announces. The camera pans round, and we see Mia standing, hands on hips, waiting to be inspected. Once more, the counter appears in the corner of the screen. Mia, we observe, has a trilby hat on, presumably to make up the number of items she needs to be wearing; either that, or she has bizarre fashion sense!

“Top; t-shirt underneath that; leggings;” begins Mia, “socks; hat; …” All of those things are clearly visible, and the counter ticks over accordingly. “… bra and panties.” She looks expectantly at Olly. The counter is still showing 5.

“We need to see,” he tells her.

“Seriously? Out here?”

“That’s the rules!”

“Can’t you just take my word for it?”

“You don’t have to show us, if you don’t want to,” he informs her, “but it will probably affect your score.”

“Oh, alright!” she concedes, rolling her eyes. She lifts up her top and t-shirt and flashes her bra at us, then grabs the top of her leggings on her right hip and peels it back just enough to show a glimpse of black material underneath. “Satisfied?” she demands. The counter hits 7, and we see the green tick and hear the ‘ping’.

Aleksandra, in a vivid-pink thigh-length dress, is outside a pub on a busy high street. “Keenan’s out for a drink with his friends,” she informs us. “I think I will join him. He will like that!” She smiles seductively and winks. We’re not so sure he will!

Inside the pub, Aleksandra spots Keenan across the room, and threads her way between the other revellers to get to him. “Hello, Keenan,” she says, “can I join you?” He pats the seat next to him, and she sits down. “You know I have to check up on you,” she tells him, “so maybe we must go somewhere quieter!” She gets up, and pulls Keenan up by the hand.

Outside the toilets, Keenan hesitates. Aleksandra makes his awkward decision for him, by opening the door to the ladies and shouting, “Is anyone in here?” When she gets no reply, she enters and drags Keenan in with her. “Okay,” she says, grinning “time for show and tell!”

The counter appears again, and Keenan reels off the clothes he’s wearing: “shirt; t-shirt; cap; trousers; belt; socks; boxers; and slip”. He pulls the top of his trousers away from his body enough to show the top of the two separate items of underwear that he has on. With the counter showing 8, the tick and the ping confirm he has passed.

“Very good!” remarks Aleksandra. “Now, how about you buy for me a drink?”

The screen goes black again, and more writing appears, this time in a sky-blue colour: ‘Monday: Day 2’.

Everyone sits up and leans a little closer to the TV. Monday, of course, was the day of Lissie’s barbecue, and the day that Mairie and the camera crew checked up on Gemma. So, six very excited girls are expecting to see themselves on telly, shortly; not to mention Maddie and Stacie, and two parents who are hoping they’re not in shot! Do I need to tell you what Lissie’s foot is doing?!

Outside another ordinary-looking house …

Our house!

… in a quiet residential street, Mairie beckons us towards her. She is wearing black skinny-fit dungarees over a white t-shirt, which accentuates her waif-like appearance. “Well,” she confides, “we’ve tracked Gemma down to this house, so let’s see how she’s doing and what she’s up to!”

In the back garden of the house, a barbecue is in full swing. Most of the people there seem to be young teenagers. Amongst them, however, we can see Gemma and, surprisingly, Eilidh. We follow as Mairie wanders over to join the two daredevils and their young companions.

“Hi, Gemma,” Mairie says, “what have we got going on here, then?”

“It’s Lissie’s birthday,” Gemma informs us, “so we’ve come to say ‘Happy Birthday’ to her.”

“And how come you’re here?” Mairie asks Eilidh.

“I wanted tae say ‘Happy Birthday’ as well,” Eilidh replies, “and I also wanted tae meet the girl who was the inspiration behind Gem’s singing the other week.”

“So, where’s the birthday girl?” Mairie enquires.

“Here she is,” Gemma says, introducing an excited-looking youngster, who is beaming from ear to ear. “This is little Lissie on her first day as a teenager!”

“Happy Birthday, Lissie!” Mairie congratulates her. “What was it like when you saw Gemma talking about you at the concert?”

“It was amazing!” Lissie tells her. “I remember her singing to me when I was little. I used to love it! It was awesome hearing her sing again, especially when she said it was for me!” As she’s speaking, Gemma puts an arm around her.

“Are you having fun, girls?” Mairie asks, as we switch to a wide shot of the youngsters gathered together, with Eilidh and Gemma on either end of the group.

“Ye-eah!” they yell, and jump up, throwing their arms into the air! Clearly, they are!

We get a close-up of Mairie and Gemma. “I’m sure you know why I’m here!” Mairie remarks.

“Yeah!” says Gemma, “come on!”

In what looks like someone’s bedroom …

At least it looks as if Maddie made a bit of an effort to tidy her mess of a room!

… Gemma begins to show Mairie each item of clothing she’s wearing. As before, we can see the counter in the corner of the screen.

“Leggings,” she pats a leg; “socks,” she pulls up one leg of her leggings to reveal a white sock underneath; “shirt,” she pulls the front of her floral-patterned shirt; “t-shirt,” she pulls the top of her t-shirt out from underneath her shirt; “bra, … can you give us a hand, Maddie?” she turns her back, and another pair of hands lifts her shirt and t-shirt enough to reveal the back-strap of a bra; “and knickers," Gemma turns back around and rolls the side of her leggings down just enough to reveal the top of her knickers. 6 items accounted for, as the tick and ping confirm.

A loud cheer erupts in the function room, followed by a smattering of applause. For those who only came to see themselves, or their relative, on telly, the rest of the programme holds little interest, and their attention starts to turn to other things. Fortunately for those of us who have been following the series from the start, most of the others are now hooked enough to want to watch carefully, if only to follow Gemma’s progress.

So, after the brief interruption from the applause, when we have to strain really hard to hear what is being said, we are able to follow the rest of the show without too much trouble.

Lisa is on a building site, once more wearing a hi-vis jacket stretched to its limits by her ample bosom, with a hard-hat perched on the top of her head.

“Matt’s back at work,” she observes, “but it must be time for a break soon!”

She and Matt are now in a portacabin, and Matt is reeling off the items he is wearing. He’s had to make allowances for his hard hat and hi-vis jacket.

“Socks, trousers, pants, t-shirt, hi-vis, and hard hat,” he recites, showing bits of each item as necessary. He points to a locker, through the glass door of which we can see items of clothing inside. “I’ve got a baseball cap and checked shirt in there, for when I ditch the hard-hat and hi-vis.”

6; tick; ping.

Olly has swapped one seafront for another, and is still wearing t-shirt and shorts, though he has, at least, changed his shirt. Fortunately for his hair, the wind seems to have eased today.

“Bradley’s having a nice day out at Weston-Super-Mare with his wife and daughter,” he tells us, as the camera zooms past him and focuses on three people on the beach. “Let’s go and spoil his afternoon!” Olly says, with an evil snigger.

Little Grace hides behind her mum’s legs, as Olly arrives. “Guess what I’ve come for!” he challenges Bradley. It is immediately obvious that Bradley is not wearing nearly enough items, so this could be interesting!

The counter appears once again, as Bradley begins, saying, “T-shirt and swimmers.” That’s all he’s actually wearing, but he then points to a pile of clothes on a towel nearby. “There’s my socks, shorts, trackies, jumper and baseball cap.” The counter remains fixed on 2.

“You’re not wearing them!” Olly points out.

“Obviously!

“Why not?”

“Because I just took Grace for a swim and a paddle in the sea, and I can’t do that fully dressed, can I?!”

It seems a reasonable explanation, and the counter duly moves up to 7, and we hear the ping and see the green tick. It would seem that Bradley has passed his inspection.

The screen goes black again, and we then return to the studio.

“So far, so good!” remarks Joe. “Though, it remains to be seen if Bradley gets marked down for not having all his items on!”

“Of course, the nature of this week’s dare means that it will get more challenging as time goes on,” Trixie comments, “so join us after the break, when the number of clothes starts diminishing on Britain’s Most Daring!”

As soon as the theme music indicates the start of the ad-break, there is a hubbub of excited chatter, as everyone relives the girls’ moment in the spotlight.

[alli55]

As their families continue to talk their way through the adverts, the five girls begin dealing with the avalanche of messages arriving on their phones. Judging by the chorus of pings, warbles, whistles and assorted other noises, they are going to have their hands full! The sound of the theme music starting again interrupts their efforts, and Lissie, Rayna, Luisa, and Elora immediately discard their phones; Rosie and Keira continue to tap away, whilst half-watching the TV at the same time. Maybe they’re not quite as dedicated Britain’s Most Daring fans as the other four!

“Welcome back,” says Trixie, “as the number of clothes available to our daredevils continues to decrease!”

“Yes,” adds Joe, “each day is going to be more of a challenge, so let’s get back and join wor clothes inspectors once more!”

The screen goes black again, and the words ‘Tuesday: Day 3’ appear in yellow, staying onscreen for a couple of seconds.

Javid is standing in a courtyard, in front of what looks like a small barn. It is pouring with rain, and he is wearing a rain jacket and holding an umbrella. “This,” he says, indicating to the building behind him, “is Tommy’s workshop, and at least it’s going to be dry in there! So, let’s go in!”

Inside the workshop, Tommy is working on a semi-circular piece of stone, carefully chipping small pieces off with a mallet and chisel. When he hears Javid and the camera crew enter, he stops working and looks up.

“What are you working on?” Javid asks him.

“It’s the headpiece of a monument I’ve been commissioned to make,” Tommy explains.

“Right!” says Javid. “Can I have a go?”

“Definitely not!” he is told, in no uncertain manner. “I don’t want to be picking fingers up off the floor!”

“Fair enough!” Javid acknowledges. “So, let’s get down to business!” The counter appears in the corner of the screen once more.

“Okay,” Tommy grins, “ready?”

“Ready!”

“So, we’ve got sweatshirt and jeans, that’s two; me kecks, three,” Tommy says, showing us the waistband of his underpants, “plus the socks makes five.”

“That’s only four, mate!” Javid informs him.

“No, five!” Tommy corrects him. “Sweatshirt, jeans, kecks, and two socks.”

“The socks only count as one thing!” Javid reminds him.

“You’re joking! They don’t, do they?”

“Yeah, pairs of things count as one item.”

“Oh, ’eck! That’s me screwed, then! I’ve right messed this up, ha’n’t I?! What a muppet!”

The counter remains on 4, and a red cross appears, as we hear a deep buzz, which is obviously the noise for a failed inspection.

The weather is no better in the West Country, where a waterproofs-wearing Olly has taken shelter in a large greenhouse. “I’m back to check up on Bradley again,” he tells us, “and the GPS tracker has pinpointed him to somewhere in here!” He begins to wander further into the greenhouse.

When Olly finds him, Bradley is extremely surprised to see him again so soon. “What’s this?” he asks. “Am I being picked on?”

“No,” Olly assures him, “not by me, at any rate! Now, let’s see what you’ve got on!”

The counter ticks over as Bradley goes through his items of clothing again: “shirt, vest, trousers, pants, socks, and gloves.” He lifts his shirt to reveal his vest, pulls the waistband of his pants up from under his trousers, and waves his hands at the camera to show he’s wearing gardening gloves. The counter reaches 6, but there is no tick and ping yet.

“Have you had those gloves on all day?” Olly asks, suspiciously.

“No, I put them on when I took off the raincoat over there!” Bradley says, triumphantly. He points to a raincoat left on the top of a trestle table nearby. Now we get the tick and ping.

Lorna is in the entrance to a rather run-down tenement building on a rain-lashed street. Under her umbrella she is just about staying dry, which is fortunate because she has decided not to bother with a raincoat, sticking with a white blouse and dark skirt combination that screams “office worker” at you. She is pressing one of a number of doorbells on the wall.

“Hello?” comes a voice over the intercom.

“Ayla, hi, it’s me, Lorna!” she says into the intercom. “Can you let me in, please?” There is a buzz, and Lorna pushes the door open.

Another door opens, and Ayla welcomes us into her flat.

“So, how’s your dare going,” Lorna asks her.

“It’s fine,” Ayla replies, “it’s better now that I’ve shed a couple of layers!”

“Let’s have a count up, then, shall we?” Lorna suggests, as the counter re-appears.

“Okay, from the bottom: socks, leggings, skirt, knickers, blouse, bra, cardigan.” She is quite coy about how she shows her undergarments, but Lorna confirms that it is all present and correct. With the counter showing 7, the tick appears and the ping sounds.

The screen then fades to black once more, and, in a pastel pink, this time, the next caption appears: ‘Wednesday: Day 4’. After a couple of seconds that disappears.

Richie, in tatty jacket and jeans, what else, is outside a branch of Boots the chemist. “Okay,” he says, “I’ve been sent to check up on Jaz again. But, seeing as she’s at work, in there,” he nods towards the shop behind him, “this could be a bit awkward!”

Inside the shop, he approaches the perfume counter, where we can see Jaz and another young woman talking. Both are wearing Boots uniforms, and both look up as Richie approaches. Jaz grins, whilst the other woman’s eyes narrow, as she regards Richie and the camera crew with some suspicion.

“Hi, Richie,” Jaz greets our arrival, “fancy seeing you here! What fragrance are you after?” She laughs as her colleague watches on.

“I think my fragrance days are well behind me!” he chuckles, then gets straight to the point. “Where d’you want to do this?”

“We can go to the ladies’ cloakroom,” she tells him, “follow me!”

In a small room, next to rows of lockers, Jaz goes through the usual routine. The counter, as always, appears in a corner of the screen.

“So, my Boots tunic top, and trousers, obviously,” Jaz begins, and adds, “I’ve got no socks again today.” She proves this by pulling her trouser legs up enough for us to see her bare ankles. “Then, because I’ve got to have a white blouse under the tunic, I’ve had to go braless today, so it’s just my pants.” She opens the tunic for us to see the blouse, then rummages about and finds some of the waistband of her pants and shows us that. She pauses, before turning her back to us and removing her tunic; then she lifts the back of her blouse up far enough for us to see that she isn’t wearing a bra. As we get the usual ‘tick and ping’ confirmation of a passed inspection, Jaz re-dresses and then turns to face us again, her cheeks displaying a rosy blush. “I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow, and, even worse, Friday. I might have to call in sick!” she confides.

Lorna is out in the rain, again, in sweatshirt and jeans this time. She is walking towards a large 1960s-style, concrete-and-glass building, holding an umbrella to keep the rain off.

“That’s the science lab where Eilidh works,” she informs us. “Let’s go and find her, and see if she’ll let me play with any of the chemicals!”

Eilidh, wearing a white lab coat, looks every inch the scientist. She greets Lorna with a “hi!” and a smile, and then, in response to Lorna’s question, says, “Absolutely no way, I’m no letting you touch anything!”

“Oh, spoilsport!” teases Lorna. She asks where the best place to hold the inspection might be, and Eilidh tells her they can do it right there, since the lab isn’t going to be used today.

With the onscreen counter in place, Eilidh reveals all. “I’ve got the lab coat, which has caused me a problem, actually,” she tells us, “and my trousers. That’s when the problem comes, because I’ve only then got my bra and panties underneath.” She unbuttons the lab coat and pulls it open, in the way we imagine a flasher does with his ‘dirty old man’ mac. We can clearly see that she does, indeed, have only her bra on under the lab coat. Before re-fastening the coat, she shows us the top of her panties. The counter hits 4, the green tick appears, and a ping sounds. As she buttons herself back up, Eilidh confides, “I cannae believe I just did that!”, and giggles girlishly.

“I’ve had a tip-off!” Lowri tells us, with a knowing look. “I’ve been told that we’re in for a bit of a surprise when we find Dylan!” She steps closer to the camera, and looking right at us from very close up, whispers, “Have I ever told you how much I love surprises?!”

Pushing open a plain white door, Lowri takes a look inside, and beckons us to follow, grinning. When we do, we come face to face with Bob the Builder; or rather, Dylan, dressed as Bob. He’s wearing denim dungarees over a red-and-orange checked shirt, with a hard hat to complete the look.

Lowri looks at him for a moment, and then asks, “Can you fix it?”

“I most certainly can!” Dylan replies.

“I bet you can!” she flirts. “Well, I can see three items, where’s the fourth?”

The counter appears and rapidly clicks up to 3.

“That’ll be my boxers,” Dylan tells her.

“Let’s take a look then,” she says, reaching her hand towards the bottom of Dylan’s shirt.

He backs away and lifts the side of his shirt out from under the dungarees, and shows a piece of light blue material. “There you are, that’s all you’re seeing!” he informs her.

It’s enough, as the counter clicks one more, displaying the number 4. A ping and a tick follow.

“I’ll come back again,” Lowri promises, “when you’ve got less on!”

“There’s no need!” he assures her.

“Oh, there is,” she replies, embarrassing him as much as she can, “there definitely is!”

The other Britain’s Most Daring flirt, Aleksandra, is on the prowl in a Vodafone shop. She’s with a young male member of staff, who, she’s discovered, she can easily embarrass.

“I need a phone that can’t be hacked,” she tells him, “because I have some pictures that are not for public viewing. I think you know what sort of pictures I mean!”

He turns a deeper shade of red than he was when she began, and tries to tell her about security options.

“On my last phone,” she continues, “there was a video of me and my boyfriend. But someone hacked it and we ended up on a naughty internet site!” The poor assistant’s eyes widen, and his mouth gapes open. “Maybe you saw it? It was very sexy! I bet you liked it!” He is trying desperately not to let her catch his eye, as he fumbles with a phone in the display next to him.
The poor young lad looks as if he wants the ground to open up and swallow him, but, fortunately, his manager comes to the rescue.

“Oh, it’s you!” the store manager, Keenan, says, when he sees Aleksandra. “Can you stop harassing my staff, please?!”

“He was just helping me with my security issues,” Aleksandra pleads her innocence, as the young assistant flees the scene.

“I think you need to come into my office!” Keenan tells her.

“Oo-ooh!” she teases, “Naughty!”

In the manager’s office, Aleksandra asks Keenan, “So, is your dare still going okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine!”

“Good! So, now it is time for your inspection!”

Keenan reels off his items of clothing, as the counter clocks them up: “jacket and trousers, shirt, socks, boxers.” He reveals only as much as he needs to prove this. With 5 showing, we get the latest tick and ping.

“Thank you!” Aleksandra says. As an afterthought, she asks, “You didn’t watch my naughty video, did you?”

“Get out! Go on, get out!” he orders, and the screen goes black.

Back in the studio, Trixie and Joe look slightly taken aback by the tone of the last two inspections.

“I think we’re going to have to have a word with those two!” Trixie exclaims.

“Rather you than me!” replies Joe.

“Hmmm!” she murmurs.

“So, we’re over halfway through the week, and wor daredevils are starting to feel the pressure!” Joe says.

“And things are only going to get tougher for them,” Trixie adds, “so come back after the break, when all will be revealed on Britain’s Most Daring! … Well, almost all!”

This is what I thought might happen with the nature of this week’s dare. Things are already getting quite risqué, and, with fewer and fewer items of clothing left, the scope for more skin to be shown is obvious; plus it won't be long before we cross the 9 o’clock watershed! Had the show been on BBC or ITV, I’d be confident that it would all be done tastefully, but, of course, this is Channel 4, and they have a reputation when it comes to pushing the boundaries. Maddie is old enough for it not to be a problem, and I’m not worried about Lissie, either. But I don’t know how the parents of the other youngsters feel, especially the Greek family. I have visions of the next half-an-hour being quite awkward!

[alli55]

“Emma, is this going to be suitable for Rosie and Alfie to watch?”

I turn to face Sue, Rosie’s and Alfie’s Mam, who is looking at me, with a concerned expression. Alfie is only 6, so I can see why Sue is worried about the content of the remaining parts of this week’s Britain’s Most Daring.

“I really don’t know!” I tell her, honestly but unhelpfully. “They haven’t had a dare like this before, so I don’t know how far they’ll go and how much they’ll show.”

“Well, in that case, I think we’d better be going!” she replies. “If I’d known what sort of programme this was, I wouldn’t have let Rosie be filmed on Monday!”

I sense there is implied criticism of me for allowing the girls to be filmed, but I try to ignore it.

“Okay, Sue, you have to do what you think is best! Thanks for coming, it was nice to see you, and I think Rosie has enjoyed herself!”

Rosie is not at all happy at being dragged away from her friends and from the rest of the programme, and were it not for a fear of embarrassing herself in front of her friends, I think there would be tears.

As they leave, I go over to Luisa and Angelica’s Mam, Eleanor. Knowing that Angelica is only 10, I want to let Eleanor know why Sue has left and let her make up her own mind as to what to do.

“I can’t say what they might or might not show,” I warn her, “it’s Channel 4, and you know what they can be like!”

“Are you okay with Lissie watching it?” she asks.

“Yeah, I think she’s old enough and mature enough! But I was thinking more of Angelica.”

There’s a momentary pause, as she thinks about it, before she says, “Oh, well, if she sees anything, she sees it! She’s going to at some time!”

I say nothing, but I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t have wanted Lissie to see anything like that at 10!

I return to sit next to Phil, as the adverts come to an end. When I tell him about the very different attitudes of Sue and Eleanor, he chuckles.

“Well, if things do go down that road,” he says, “it might be quite fun to watch Angelica’s reaction!”

You naughty man!

When the ad-break is over, we get the usual theme music, but this isn’t followed by Trixie’s welcome. Instead we go straight to a black screen, over which the words ‘Thursday: Day 5’ appear in green lettering. After a couple of seconds, we cut to the next filmed segment.

Lisa is looking a real sight! She has a blue waterproof mac, with an orange hi-vis jacket over the top, which she hasn’t bothered to even attempt to fasten, this time. Over her jeans, she has vivid green wellies on, and the colour-clashing effect is completed by a red hard-hat. The bad weather that we’ve had all week has turned the building site into a sea of mud.

“I don’t think I’ve seen this much mud since Glastonbury!” she remarks, as she squelches her way towards a group of builders standing on a scaffolding plank. As we get closer, we can see that one of them is very obviously wearing fewer clothes than the others.

“Matt!” Lisa calls to him. “Come down here and get yourself inspected! Then I can go and get out of all this gear!”

Matt climbs down the nearest ladder and comes over. “Nice here, isn’t it?!” he grins.

“Yeah, lovely!” her reply is heavy on the sarcasm. “Right, you should be on three today,” she reminds him, as we see the counter appear onscreen again.

“Yep!” he confirms. “Hard-hat, hi-vis and shorts! That’s it! I’ve had to go commando!” He rolls the waistband of his shorts down a little over one hip to demonstrate his lack of underwear. The tick and ping confirm he’s passed the inspection.

“How is it?” Lisa asks.

“Horrible! I’m soaking wet and freezing cold!”

Dylan, or Fred Flintstone as he is today, looks up, as the door to the communal area of his student accommodation bursts open and an excitable female Britain’s Most Daring presenter enters, dressed as his cartoon wife, Wilma. The four other students sitting with him collapse in fits of laughter, as his shocked face reveals that he has been taken completely by surprise.

“Which one of you told her?” he asks them, accusingly.

“Oh,” Wilma, or Lowri as we know her better, remarks, “that wasn’t the greeting I was expecting, Fred! I thought I might at least get a ‘yabba-dabba-doo’!”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I thought that was the least I deserved!” she tells him, as she flounces over to the chair he’s sat in. “Really!” She plops herself down in his lap and throws an arm around his neck. “So, shall I inspect you, then?” she asks, coyly.

Poor Dylan is blushing furiously, as the chorus of laughter continues around him. With all the visual distractions, we hardly notice the counter creep into the corner of the screen.

“Well?” Lowri asks again.

“Tie;” Dylan begins, “this tunic thing;” he adds, tugging at the main part of his costume, “and boxers … and I s’pose you’re gonna want to see them!”

“Oh, yes!” Lowri says, nodding her head to emphasise the point, and begins to pull the bottom of his tunic up one leg. He puts his hand down and grabs hers, removing it from his leg. Then, with his free hand he gives us a quick glimpse of the bottom of one leg of his boxers, before pulling the tunic down into place once more. There’s a ping as a green tick appears onscreen.

“Satisfied?” he asks.

“Mmm-hmm! You’ve passed! Now, what do you say?”

“Yabba-dabba-doo!” he obliges, and she gives him a peck on the cheek, which makes him blush again, and generates yet more hoots of laughter.

“Oh, seriously?” Mia asks, when she spots Olly coming through the shop door. She’s arranging stock on the shelves and doesn’t seem at all happy at the intrusion. “Here? I mean, really?”

“’Fraid so!”

“Come on then,” she tells him, and leads him to the back of the shop, where there will be a little more privacy. There don’t seem to be any customers anywhere. As the counter re-appears, she reveals, “I’ve just got my bra and panties under my dress.” She pulls the shoulder of her dress down enough to reveal a bra strap, and then lifts the bottom up one hip until the dark material of her panties can be seen. The counter reaches 3, the green tick appears, and we hear the ping, as she warns, “This had better be the last time!”

Lorna is outside Ayla’s flat once more, and, yes, it’s pouring with rain again! She presses the intercom and is let in. Once she’s inside, Ayla comes out to greet her.

“I’ve got visitors, so we’ll have to do it out here!” she informs Lorna. The counter appears, as Ayla begins, “trousers, knickers,” she pulls a piece of material over the top of the waistband of her trousers, “cardigan, blouse, bra.” The cardigan and blouse are pulled away from her shoulder so that she can show us her bra strap.

5; tick; ping!

The screen fades to black and, in violet letters, ‘Friday: Day 6’ appears, remains for a couple of seconds, and then disappears once more.

Lorna, in jumper and jeans, is with Eilidh in the science lab again. It is immediately obvious that Eilidh isn’t wearing trousers with her lab coat today.

“So, Eilidh,” Lorna says, “I’m guessing today’s been quite interesting!”

“Aye, it has,” Eilidh replies. “I have tae keep popping tae the ladies for a quick change! It’s lab coat or dress, depending where I am!” The counter appears and clicks to 1 immediately.

“And what’s under the lab coat, dare I ask?”

“Just my panties!” Eilidh turns her back and tries to wriggle the lab coat down enough to prove the absence of a bra, but can’t manage it. “Oh, damn this thing!” she exclaims. She pulls it back onto her shoulders, and instructs, “Hang on!” She then proceeds to unbutton the lab coat, before dropping it off her shoulders and allowing it to fall down her bare back. It falls a bit further than she’s anticipating, revealing her pantie-covered bottom as well. As the counter clicks to 2, and the tick and ping follow, Eilidh quickly pulls the lab coat back up and re-buttons it. When she turns back towards us, her face is a deep crimson colour. “Oh, God, did you just see them?” she asks, putting her hand over her mouth. Lorna nods. “Please let this week be over!” Eilidh begs.

If Eilidh’s got it bad, the look on Gemma’s face, when she sees Mairie walk into her office, suggests she may just have it even worse!

“Oh my God, no!” she exclaims. “How’m I going to do this?”

She’s wearing a standard blouse and skirt combination, the sort that you see in offices up and down the country every day. But that’s two items, and her total for today is … two! Which is why she’s got a problem, as Mairie highlights.

“So, Gemma,” she says, “I take it that the clothes we can see are the only ones you’re wearing!”

“Yeah, they are,” Gemma confirms, and the counter appears and clicks over to 2. There is no tick or ping, though.

“How are you feeling?” Mairie asks.

“I feel really naughty!” Gemma admits. “But in a good way, you know?! Sexy, like!”

Mairie sniggers. “I can imagine!” She raises her eyebrows, and adds, “Are you ready, then?”

“Do you have to check?”

“I should really!”

“Okay, we’d better go to the ladies’, then!”

Inside the ladies’ loo, the two women are in one of the cubicles, leaving us waiting outside.

“See, no bra,” we hear Gemma say, and, after a silence, “and no knickers either!”

There is another silence, which is broken by the sound of the lock being pulled back. Mairie and Gemma appear in the cubicle doorway, and Mairie says, “She’s passed!” as Gemma blushes. The tick and ping follow Mairie’s announcement.

Back in Tommy’s workshop, Javid is watching the stonemason at work. It is immediately obvious that, following his total misunderstanding of the rules of the dare, Tommy has abandoned his attempt to complete it, and is wearing a normal set of clothes. Before Javid can speak, we hear a low buzz and see a red cross appear in the corner of the screen.

“So,” Javid begins, “it looks like you’ve given up with your dare!”

“Yeah,” Tommy confirms, “there’s no way I can keep it going! After I got it wrong about the socks, I should be on one item today. And, obviously, even if I did that, I can’t do tomorrow! So, I haven’t bothered today, either. I couldn’t see the point!”

“You should be on 2 today!” Javid corrects.

“Yeah, but I miscounted, so it’s really 1!”

“No, that’s not how it works!”

“Eh? I’m confused! I really don’t get this dare at all!”

“Just because you got it wrong one day, doesn’t mean you can’t correct it for other days. You should have just stuck with the number you had originally but counted it properly!”

If Javid knows what he means, Tommy clearly doesn’t! “I ha’n’t got a clue what you just said!” he confesses. “I’ll just take my chance in the Dare-Off!”

The screen goes black briefly, and then we are back, live, in the studio with Trixie and Joe.

“I don’t think Tommy’s quite got the hang of this!” remarks Joe.

“No!” agrees Trixie. “And, we’ve only reached Friday in this week’s dare! That means there’s the little matter of the final, and most challenging, day still to come!”

“It certainly does,” Joe confirms, “and we’ve already seen some of wor daredevils struggling to maintain their dignity!”

“So, join us after the break,” Trixie encourages us, “when our daredevils will be here with us, live in the studio, wearing their final outfit! Don’t go anywhere!”

“Gemma wasn’t telling them the half of it!” Justine tells me, with a knowing smile. “Not according to what she told wor Stacie, at any rate!”

I look across at Stacie, who is talking with Maddie. The way Maddie’s eyes are widening, together with the smirk that’s appearing on her face, makes me wonder whether Stacie is now telling Maddie what Gemma hadn’t told Mairie.

I get up and wander over to where Lissie and her friends are gathered. “How are our young celebrities doing?” I ask them, with a grin. Most of them seem to be still fielding messages on their phones.

“Yeah, we’re fine!” Lissie tells me, trying to hide her smirk. Luisa and Keira giggle, and Rayna, I notice, is blushing.

“Is there something you want to tell me?” I enquire.

“No, I don’t think so!” Lissie replies.

Somewhat unfairly, I decide to push a little further, and deliberately pick on the group’s weakest link. “Elora?” I ask.

She looks flustered, as she tries to resolve the dilemma she is faced with: do what her upbringing is demanding of her and tell me everything; or be pressured into silence by the looks her friends are giving her.

“We were just saying that it’s a shame that Tommy has given up on his dare!” she reveals, as her inbuilt desire to do as she’s been asked wins out.

“Oh, you were, were you?!” I say, knowingly. I watch five girls turn very red in the face. I allow them time to wallow in their embarrassment, before I add, “It is a shame, isn’t it?! Things might have got quite interesting!” Four pairs of eyes widen, while Lissie nearly dies of embarrassment!

[alli55]

“What on earth did you say to those girls to make them blush like that?” Phil asks me, when I return.

“Oh, you noticed that!” I reply, avoiding the question. “I think Lissie’s disowned me!”

“Well?” he tries again.

“I was just commiserating with them.”

“About what?”

“How they’re not now going to see something I think they might have been hoping to see!”

“Which is …?” he persists.

“…for me and them to know and for you to wonder at!” I inform him

Sensing that he’s not going to get any more out of me, he gives up and changes the subject.

“Has Maddie said anything about what she wants to do for her eighteenth?”

“No, why?”

“I just wondered, because it’s not long now! If she wants something special, we need time to organise it!”

The sound of the theme music makes me bring the conversation to an end. “I’ll ask her tomorrow,” I promise him.

“Welcome back to Britain’s Most Daring,” smiles Trixie, “with me, Trixie Stonehill, …”

“… and me, Joe Denecker,” he adds.

“All this week our daredevils have been wearing fewer and fewer items of clothing,” Trixie reminds us, “and we’ve seen them starting to find their dare quite a challenge!”

“So, now it’s time to meet them, and see how they’ve coped with their dare,” Joe continues, “and, of course, find out what they’re wearing tonight!”

“Yes,” enthuses Trixie, “it’s time for the Britain’s Most Daring Fashion Show!”

The two of them turn to their left, and, as we switch to a wide shot, we can see a catwalk has been erected in the studio. Trixie and Joe are standing to one side of it, whilst on the other side, sitting behind a desk, are the DAPAs. They are each clutching their handheld keypad, and the familiar screens are above and behind their heads.

Trixie gives them a big introduction. “Here to critique our daredevils’ outfits, in the only way they know how, are our very own Dare Attempt Performance Analysts, DAPA Dan and DAPA Danielle.”

“Yes, they’re back!” exclaims Joe. “Elegance personified!” The DAPAs smile and nod their appreciation.

“Before our daredevils step onto the catwalk,” Trixie explains, “they are being checked over by two of our Clothes Inspectors.”

We see a backstage shot of Mairie and Olly, who are standing in front of a couple of curtained cubicles.

“Once they’ve passed their inspection, they’ll be ready to take their place in the Britain’s Most Daring Fashion Show,” Joe tells us.

“So, let’s get this fashion show underway!” cries Trixie. “Who’s first onto the catwalk, Joe?”

“Wor first model tonight, Trix, is Keenan!”

As Keenan enters, a caption in the top-left of the screen shows the number of items of clothing he should be wearing tonight, 2 in his case, followed by a green tick to indicate that he has passed his inspection.

Aleksandra’s voice tells us, “Keenan is wearing a stylish red-and-blue checked shirt with blue collar and cuffs. He has matched this to a pair of smart navy trousers, giving him the look of a man about town.” She adds, mischievously, “Let’s hope his zip doesn’t give him any trouble!”

Keenan reaches the end of the catwalk and stands there, as the DAPAs award their points. Dan gives him 6, which Danielle matches, giving Keenan a total of 12 points.

“Keenan,” Trixie asks, “how’s the week been?”

“Yeah, it’s been okay,” he says, “but I realised yesterday that I’ve got too many clothes still! I don’t know how it went wrong, ’cos I thought I’d counted the days. Maybe I can’t count!”

“Twelve points,” Trixie states, “is that going to be enough?”

“I hope so!”

He walks over to the two rows of seats, as Joe introduces our next model.

“Next onto the catwalk, it’s Ayla!”

A number 3 and a green tick appear in the top left corner, as Ayla steps out, and Aleksandra tells us, “Ayla has chosen a smart-casual dress, in a light pastel pink, with a tapered bodice leading into an a-line skirt that is light enough to lift when twirled, if that’s your thing! She is wearing her normal underwear.”

Ayla’s conservative approach to the dare saw her start with more clothes than any of the others, and the DAPAs’ score reflects this. Dan awards 5 points, and Danielle just 4. With a total of only 9 points, Ayla looks a firm favourite to be in tonight’s Live Dare-Off.

“How has the dare been for you, Ayla?” Trixie asks.

“Okay! It’s not really my sort of dare, though!”

“Are we going to see you in the Dare-Off?”

“Probably!” Ayla admits, before she heads off to join Keenan.

“Okay, let’s welcome Matt onto the catwalk!” says Joe.

Matt enters, with a 1 and a tick showing, telling us that this is going to be the first of the really interesting outfits!

“Matt has gone for an all-in-one navy-blue jump-suit,” Aleksandra informs us, “giving him a ready-for-action look that will set heartbeats racing! And, of course, we all know what’s underneath the jump-suit!” There is a definite suggestiveness to her voice!

Matt looks expectantly at the DAPAs, as both Dan and Danielle award him 8 points, giving him the best score so far: 16.

“Congratulations, Matt,” Trixie says, “you must be pleased with that!”

“Yeah, definitely!”

“And how has your week been?”

“It’s had its moments!” Matt grins. “It was brass monkeys on the site yesterday! And I got some right stick from the other lads!”

Matt makes his way over to the rows of chairs, as the studio audience applaud his effort, enthusiastically.

“Who’s next, Joe?” enquires Trixie.

“It’s wor scrumptious Scottish scientist, Eilidh!”

To the visual accompaniment of a 1 and a tick, Eilidh appears on our screens.

“This stunning little number shows off Eilidh’s figure to great effect,” Aleksandra remarks. “The demure floral pattern of the dress provides a pleasing contrast with the daring way it plunges towards her waist, giving enticing glimpses of what is underneath. The material clings to her sides, allowing the back to have just as low a cut as the front. The pleated skirt, sitting just above her knee, complements the demure nature of the floral pattern. It is a bold choice of outfit that Eilidh has selected, but it works really well!”

The DAPAs certainly seem to think so, with Danielle awarding a rare 9 to add to Dan’s 8. This puts Eilidh in the lead so far, on 17 points.

“Oh, my!” she says, when Trixie asks for her reaction, “I’m overwhelmed, really! It’s great, it’s really great!”

“And it looked like you had fun in the lab this week!” Trixie comments.

“Oh my gosh,” Eilidh exclaims, “did I just! It was, like, I was just wearing less and less under the lab coat every day! But, you know what, I was loving it! Is that wrong?”

“I don’t think so! And, once again, well done!”

After the applause has died down, Joe introduces Jaz as the next daredevil on the catwalk, as the tick appears next to another number 1.

“Jaz is wearing a flowing ballgown,” Aleksandra begins, “in black silk with chiffon frills on the bodice. An elegant outfit that says ‘classy’ in a clear voice, it benefits from having no lines or ridges caused by Jaz’s bra or panties … because she isn’t wearing any!”

Dan awards another 8 points, but the more discerning Danielle gives Jaz 7 points, making a total of 15.

“Have you enjoyed the dare this week?” Trixie asks her.

“Kind of, but it got impossible to do with my work uniform, so I had to take a couple of days off!”

“And 15 points, what do you reckon to that?”

“Yeah, I’m okay with that!” Jaz states. “I reckon that should keep me safe!”

Jaz walks across to join the rest of the daredevils, and Joe waits for the applause to subside, before he introduces our next catwalk model.

“Okay, it’s time for the man who’s chiselled his own features, … Tommy!”

When Tommy walks out, wearing t-shirt and jeans, the caption in the corner of the screen shows a red cross next to the 1, showing that Tommy still hasn’t got to grips with the complexities of this dare.

“Tommy is wearing a lot more than he should be!” Aleksandra points out. “Who really cares what he’s got on, … he’s failed his dare, silly man!”

Having failed his dare, Tommy knows his score is going to be low, and he doesn’t look terribly interested in the whole process. For the record, he gets 5 points, 3 from Dan and 2 from Danielle.

“Tommy, what went wrong?” Trixie asks, although we know the answer already.

“I’m stupid, and I don’t listen, that’s what!” he replies. “I counted socks as two things instead of one, and that meant I’d have run out of clothes today, so there was no point carrying on once I’d worked that out!”

“I don’t think that’s how it works!”

“Well, it’s done now!”

“Never mind,” Trixie consoles him, “you’ve still got a chance, in the Dare-Off!”

“Next onto the Britain’s Most Daring catwalk is … Bradley!” announces Joe.

A green tick and a 2 are shown on screen, as Bradley makes his entrance.

“Bradley has gone for a casual sports look,” Aleksandra comments, with a tone that suggests she doesn’t approve, “with grey sweatpants and a dark green rugby shirt. Whatever!”

Dan award 6 points, whilst Danielle, ever the harsher critic, gives Bradley 5 points. His total of 11 leaves him potentially facing another Dare-Off, though he may yet escape that fate.

“What’s this, dress down Saturday?!” remarks Trixie.

“Something like that, yeah,” he laughs. “No, I needed something comfortable and loose, seeing as I’ve had to go commando!”

“Are you looking at another Dare-Off?”

“Looks like I might be,” he admits, “but I’ve been there before, so it’s okay!”

“Wor next model in wor fashion show is teenage temptress, Gemma!” Joe informs us.

Teenage temptress? Hardly!

Gemma steps onto the catwalk, as the corner of our screen shows a 1 and a green tick.

Aleksandra gives her critique of the latest outfit: “Gemma is wearing a floaty black chiffon dress with a pink floral theme that is perfect for spring. The skirt becomes sheer towards the bottom, adding to the light look and feel, which is obviously enhanced for Gemma by the fact that she’s not wearing anything underneath!”

The DAPAs both give Gemma 8 points, putting her level with Matt and just a point behind tonight’s leader, Eilidh.

“You must be pleased with that!” Trixie says to her.

“Oh, definitely!” she agrees. “That’s brilliant!”

“And have you enjoyed the dare this week?”

“I have, actually,” Gemma confides, “much more than I thought I was going to! It’s certainly made things more fun at the office this week! I might go without a bra more often!”

Trixie grins as Gemma blushes at her confession, and then encourages the audience to applaud the teenager as she walks to her seat, which they do with gusto.

Gemma also gets a rapturous round of applause in the function room at the Community Centre, did she but know it!

“Alright,” Joe says, as the applause fades, “let’s welcome Mia onto the catwalk!”

A tick and the number 1 appear in the corner of the screen, and Mia enters. She has either adopted a sullen look in an attempt to look sultry, or else she’s in a bad mood after being given the once over by the clothes inspectors again.

“Oh, wow!” cries Aleksandra. “Mia has chosen a one-piece suit in a black-and-white chequer-board design, which makes a really dramatic statement! The black sleeves set off the effect perfectly and help give definition to the shape. That is a truly stunning creation! I want one of those!”

Mia reaches the end of the catwalk, and then looks at the DAPAs, waiting for their verdict. Danielle gives her an 8, but Dan awards just 6 points, giving Mia a total of 14. She is distinctly unimpressed, and glares at Dan, who stares impassively back at her.

“Mia, you look stunning!” Trixie tells her.

Even that compliment can’t bring a smile to Mia’s face. “Tell that idiot over there that!” she replies. “Is he blind or something?” The audience cheer her combative remarks, siding with her against the DAPAs once more. Dan remains unmoved by their reaction and Mia’s criticism.

“How was your week?” Trixie asks, trying to defuse the tension.

“I’m just glad it’s over! It was a stupid dare! Let’s hope next week we can get back to actually doing a proper one!”

The audience aren’t so keen on Mia’s attitude now, and one or two boos are heard amongst the applause as she walks over to the seats.

“Controversial!” comments Joe, before moving on. “Okay, it’s time for wor last daredevil to step onto the catwalk. And given what he’s got up to this week, God only knows what we’re in for now! Heeeere’s Dylan!”

With a 1 and a green tick showing onscreen, out walks Dylan in a one-piece skin-tight black suit, with an x-ray skeleton image printed onto it. The suit goes from his neck to his ankles, and all the way down to his wrists, with all the bones shown in crystal clarity.

Aleksandra is almost lost for words. “Well, what can I say about that? Amazing!” Giggling, she adds, “I think he might have lost weight, though!”

With expectations running high, the DAPAs deliver their verdict. Dan gives Dylan 9 points, and then Danielle awards the first individual maximum 10 of the series, making Dylan this week’s winner with 19, pipping Eilidh at the post.

“Well done, Dylan,” Trixie congratulates the flame-haired student, “you are this week’s winner! And a perfect 10 from Danielle! How do you feel?”

“I’m over the moon!” he replies, grinning from ear to ear. “It’s been a real blast this week! I’ve had so much fun with all the costumes!”

“Well, we’ve seen Bob the Builder, Fred Flintstone, and, now, obviously, the skeleton,” Trixie recalls, “so what have we missed?”

“Oh, blimey,” says Dylan, trying to remember all the outfits he’s worn for this week’s dare, “let’s see: there was the cowboy; then the pirate; Popeye; then Bob the Builder; then Fred Flintstone; and then yesterday was my favourite, the gorilla outfit! We went to the England cricket with me as a gorilla! That was a right laugh!”

“Sounds brilliant!” Trixie remarks. “This week’s winner, everyone, Dylan!” She allows Dylan to take the applause and walk over to the seats, before continuing, “We’ll be back in a moment with this week’s Live Dare-Off, when Bradley, Ayla, and Tommy will battle to remain on Britain’s Most Daring. You won’t want to miss that!”

“He’s going to take some beating, for the overall title!” Phil comments. “Dylan, I mean!”

I know who he means, and he’s right. Dylan is definitely the one everybody else has to beat!

[alli55]

Midway through the adverts, Rayna’s Mam walks in, having finished her shift at work.

“How’s it going?” she asks me. “Has Rayna behaved herself?”

“Of course she has,” I tell her, “she always does! And it’s been really good!”

“How much of the show is left?” she enquires.

“Just the Live Dare-Off,” I answer. It means nothing to her, so I add, “About 10 minutes or so; it’s just the last part to go.”

“Oh, okay!” She pulls up a chair, sits down, and gets her phone out. She continues to swipe her way through her virtual life as the theme music heralds the last part of tonight’s show. I remember how Rayna had told us that her Mam didn’t like the show.

“Welcome back!” Trixie enthuses. “An outstanding series of costumed capers has won this week’s show for Dylan!”

“But, now, though,” Joe reminds us, “we’re going to have to lose one of wor daredevils, in this week’s Live Dare-Off.”

“Yes, our three lowest scorers this week are now going to have to take on one more dare,” Trixie adds, “to see who is going to be leaving Britain’s Most Daring tonight.”

“So, Bradley, Ayla, and Tommy, come and join us for tonight’s Live Dare-Off!” instructs Joe. The three of them take their positions, ready to be questioned by Trixie and Joe.

“Ayla, you haven’t been in the Dare-Off for a while,” Trixie recalls, “so, how are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” she says, sounding reasonably relaxed, “but it might depend on what the dare is. So, we’ll see!”

“Tommy,” Joe says, “it’s your first time here. Nervous?”

“A bit, yeah,” he admits, “but I’m more angry with meself for being so stupid with the dare and ending up here, really.”

“How do you think you’ll do?”

“As long as I stay focussed, I think I’ll be alright!”

Trixie gives Bradley a knowing look. “You’re back again!” she remarks. “You can’t stay away from the Dare-Offs, can you?!”

“Would you believe me if I told you I like them so much I try to end up in them?”

“No!”

“Oh, well I won’t tell you that, then!” he grins.

“Are you going to survive another one?”

“Yeah, why not? Been there, done that, got more t-shirts than I’m allowed to wear!” he quips.

“Okay,” Joe informs them, “here’s wor very own Dare Deliverer, who’s going to tell us what tonight’s live dare involves. Over to you, DD!”

“Careful,” the sultry-voiced one warns him, “you wouldn’t want me to have to train you again, would you?!”

“You just tell us what the dare is,” he responds, “and stay well away from me!”

“For the Live Dare-Off tonight, my little daredevils,” she tells them, “we’re going to play another round of my little truth game. All you have to do is answer 5 more questions. I dare you to be totally truthful with your answers! Enjoy yourselves, little ones, and remember, the truth will out!”

As before, Trixie has moved to the other side of the studio, where the three circular cubicles are to be seen. Inside each is a seat, a keypad and a flat-screen monitor. A row of five unlit lights is visible above the cutaway front section of each cubicle.

“Okay, Joe,” Trixie calls, “let’s have them!”

Joe brings the three daredevils with him, as they cross the studio to join Trixie, who explains the rules to them.

“You’re going to be shown 5 questions, each of which has two options, ‘A’ or ‘B’. You will have 10 seconds to choose one of the options as your answer. Remember, your dare is to answer truthfully.” She ends by reminding them what the Dare Deliverer said, “Because the truth will out!”

While the three daredevils are taking their seats in the cubicles, Trixie tells us, “We’ve done our research, thanks to some sneaky conversations with family and friends, together with everything social media has to offer, so we know what the honest answers to these questions should be. If their answers don’t match with what we know to be the truth, the light on the panel will go red; if they are truthful, it will go green. The person with the most red lights will be leaving the show.”

“Bradley, Ayla, Tommy, are you ready?” Joe asks them. They all indicate that they are.

“Great!” exclaims Trixie. “Let’s have question number 1!”

The question appears simultaneously on the daredevils’ monitors and our screen. ‘Which would you rather have: (A) a long soak in a warm bath or (B) a quick blast from a power shower?’ We get a split-screen shot behind the words of the question, showing how the three daredevils have answered. Ayla and Tommy have opted for the bath, whilst Bradley is a power shower man. After the 10 seconds is up, the first light on each cubicle turns green, though the daredevils, of course, can’t see this.

“Okay, let’s have our second question, please!” requests Trixie.

‘Have you ever been caught on CCTV doing something you shouldn’t? (A) Yes or (B) No.’ Almost instantly Ayla presses ‘B’; Tommy quickly presses ‘B’; Bradley dithers before jabbing his finger onto the ‘B’ button just before the time comes to an end. Ayla’s light turns green, the other two go red. The few gasps and titters from the audience alert the daredevils to the fact that someone has been caught lying.

“Interesting!” comments Trixie. “Next question, please!”

‘Would you rather have a partner who was (A) older or (B) younger than you?’ Again, Ayla is first to answer, opting for an older partner; the two men both go for a younger partner. All three lights go green this time.

“Question number 4, please!” Trixie says.

‘Have you ever shared a kiss with someone of the same sex? (A) Yes or (B) No.’ The two men quickly press ‘B’, but Ayla’s finger hovers over the ‘A’ button on her keypad for a long time before she moves it and presses ‘B’. Her light goes red, as does Tommy’s, but Bradley’s turns green. Once she’s heard the audience’s murmurings, Ayla appears to be under the impression that she might be in trouble.

“Okay,” Trixie states, “it’s time for our final question. So, can we reveal question number 5!”

‘I would never let myself be seen naked in public. Do you (A) agree or (B) disagree with that statement?’ Ayla instantly agrees with it, pressing ‘A’ forcefully; Bradley considers his answer for a few seconds, and then decides to press ‘B’; Tommy also presses ‘B’, but doesn’t require so much time or thought before doing so. All three lights turn green. We and the audience now know that we will be losing Tommy this evening, but the daredevils don’t know who has lost. They are kept in the cubicles while Joe and Trixie examine some of the more interesting answers that they’ve given.

“Bradley,” Joe begins, “what were you doing when you got caught on camera?”

“I got caught short when I was drunk one Saturday night, years ago,” he confesses, re-telling the event that earnt him a red light on the previous round of the truth game. “Apparently there was CCTV footage of me taking a pee into a flower display in the town.”

“Which, presumably, is why you’re quite happy to show yourself naked in public?”

“I wouldn’t say I was happy,” he contests, “but never say ‘never’!”

Trixie takes over, asking Ayla, “Well, young lady, we’ve caught you fibbing, haven’t we?”

Ayla tries to maintain her innocence. “Have you?” she asks, keeping a straight face.

“Yes, we have!” Trixie informs her. “The little matter of who you’ve shared a kiss with!”

Ayla looks surprised and a little confused. “Really?” she questions.

“Really!” Trixie states. “Do I need to remind you about your antics at your Uni ball last year?”

A wave of horrific recollection sweeps across Ayla’s face. “Oh, no, not that!” she exclaims. “Oh, God!”

“Shall I tell, or will you?” Trixie enquires, trying to tease the story out of the young Scot.

“Okay,” Ayla relents, “I’d had quite a bit to drink, and some of the guys were trying to get a kiss off me. I told them there was more chance of me kissing all the girls in the room than any one of them. They took that as a challenge to see how many of the girls would kiss me.”

“And how many did?”

“There were one or two, I think,” Ayla says, nervously looking anywhere but at Trixie.

“How about 9?” Trixie suggests. “Does that sound about right?”

Ayla buries her face in her hands.

“Tommy!” Joe says, shaking his head slowly. “Tommy, Tommy!”

Tommy grins, “I know what you’re going to say!”

“Oh, what’s that then?”

“About me not being bothered if someone sees me naked!”

“It wasn’t that,” Joe states, “but do carry on!”

“Oh!” The surprise in Tommy’s voice is clear. “Well, a few years back, me and a couple of mates were on holiday in Spain and we found ourselves on a nudist beach.”

“As you do!” remarks Joe.

“Yeah, as you do!” agrees Tommy. “So, we decided, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! … What were you meaning?”

“I was thinking of your special kiss!” Joe teases. “With your friend, Micky.”

“Oh, no,” Tommy says, grimacing, “I forgot that! Damn!”

“Well …?”

“It was around Christmas, and we were both plastered. Micky had got hold of some mistletoe, and he came over to me and puckered up. So, I gave him a smacker on the lips! Oh, damn, that’s screwed me right up, ha’n’t it?!”

“Well, let’s see!” Joe says. He and Trixie move to the front of the set, instructing the daredevils to join them. All three take a look over their shoulders at the lights above the cubicles, to see which of them has lost the Dare-Off. Ayla smiles, and Bradley breathes a sigh of relief, whilst Tommy grimaces again and gives a shake of his head.

“As you can see,” Trixie announces, dispensing with any pointless delay, “Tommy has the most red lights, and so we will be saying goodbye to him in a moment.”

“Ayla and Bradley, we’ll see you again next week,” Joe tells them, “so, well done, and go and join the rest of the gang over there!” The audience applaud as they stroll back to their seats.

As ever, Trixie and Joe take up their positions either side of the departing daredevil.

“Tommy, have you enjoyed yourself?” Trixie asks the Yorkshireman.

“Yeah, I have,” he tells her, “it’s been a good laugh! A real crack!”

“How are you feeling, now that it’s over?” Joe enquires.

“I’m gutted!” Tommy replies. “I really thought I had a chance of going a long way! But it just shows, do’n’t it: one stupid mistake and, boom, it’s gone! I’m really mad with meself for being so stupid!”

Trixie puts an arm around him, as she says, “Well, don’t be too hard on yourself! You’ve given us some really memorable moments! Let’s take a look!”

The montage begins with a shot of Tommy, with a short-back-and-sides haircut, walking, gingerly, across a bed of nails – the first time we have seen this footage; we then see him being hugged by an enthusiastic elderly lady; a barber shaves his head, giving him the haircut that we have watched gradually begin to grow out over the past few weeks; a shot of Tommy eating a battered pickled egg is followed by him telling us, “if it looks like shit and tastes like shit …”; we return to the hug from his pensioner fan, before we see the BMD Northern Singers begin their acclaimed performance of ‘Stand By Me’, in which Tommy provides the distinctive bass-led introduction with his pleasant voice; as Eilidh’s voice begins, we cut to the Lost River ride at Flamingo Land, where Tommy is adopting a range of silly poses as the boats pass him, with everything being caught by the automatic camera installed to give the boat riders a souvenir of their trip; we get another glimpse of his everlasting hug, as he tries to extract himself from the old lady’s grasp; and the montage finishes with Tommy in his workshop, at the moment when he realises he’s miscounted his clothes, as he says, “I’ve right messed this up, ha’n’t I?! What a muppet!”

Trixie gives Tommy a hug as the audience applaud his performances on Britain’s Most Daring. He thanks her, shakes Joe’s hand, and gives the audience an appreciative few claps. Then, he turns and makes his way off of the set and off of the show, with the audience clapping and cheering loudly.

“Tommy!” exclaims Trixie. “What a gentleman!”

Joe nods his agreement. “And, with Tommy gone,” he adds, “we’re down to just nine daredevils!”

“Each one of them trying to be crowned Britain’s Most Daring!” Trixie reminds us. “They’ll shortly be finding out what their next dare is. So, make sure you join us next week to see what they’re up to and how they get on! Until next week, goodbye!”

“Tatty-bye!” says Joe, getting the final word for the first time in the series.

The two presenters wave as the camera does a complete 360-degree sweep, showing the audience and the daredevils also waving to us. The credits start to roll, as the screen fades to black behind them.

As the credits continue to go up the screen, everyone starts to move from their seat, stretching their limbs and looking around. Lissie and her friends are talking excitedly about the show and Gemma and last Monday, and conversations are beginning among the adults as well. I start to circulate, wanting to make sure that I thank everyone for coming.

I have almost completed my rounds, and the room is beginning to empty, when I hear Stacie exclaim, “Oh my God! Bastard!” Everyone stops talking and looks at her. Realising what she’s just said, she apologises for her choice of language; looking at her, she appears to be really upset and angry at something on her phone. But, when her Mam goes over to see what has had this effect on her, she switches her phone off and thrusts it into her pocket. No amount of cajoling can persuade her to reveal anything.

In the car, on the way home, I ask Maddie, “What was all that about with Stacie?”

“Dunno!”

“Really? I thought you and Stacie told each other everything!”

“Really, Mam, I don’t know!”

I have no choice but to drop the subject, whether I believe her or not. For the record, I do believe her, … I think!

[alli55]

The following afternoon, as I was relaxing on the sofa after a couple of hours gardening, Maddie rushed in.

“Mam,” she cried, “Gemma’s being trolled!”

“Say again, pet?”

“Gemma’s being trolled!” she repeated. “That’s what Stacie was getting mad about last night!”

“Okay,” I said, not wishing to show my lack of awareness of such things, “so, what exactly has happened?”

She sat down beside me and held her phone in front of my face. “So,” she told me, “this is Gemma’s Twitter, right?”

“Right!”

“So, look!” she scrolled up a little to an image of Gemma’s face superimposed onto the body of a hippopotamus that had clearly been wallowing in mud. ‘Gemma relaxing after a bath’ the accompanying caption stated. As my brain was processing the image, and the possible reasons for posting it, Maddie scrolled up a bit further. “And this!” she said, as another superimposed image stared out at me, this time with Gemma’s face attached to the body of a large and, let’s be honest, very fat orangutan holding a bunch of bananas. ‘Breakfast time at Gemma’s’ read the caption. With a swipe of her finger, Maddie found another image: Gemma’s head superimposed onto a cow that was eating what looked like someone’s shirt. ‘Fat cow Gemma will eat anything’ the caption informed everyone.

Gemma isn’t supermodel-thin by any means; but, if there’s one thing about her that’s immediately obvious when you see her, it’s that she isn’t fat. She has a very healthy body shape and is a very attractive-looking young woman. She’s got curves where every woman wants curves, and a figure that, I’m sure, is the envy of many and the aspiration of many more.

“I’m not surprised Stacie was so angry!” I remarked, knowing how protective of each other the two sisters are.

“It’s pathetic!” Maddie declared. “It’s just some sad loser with no life trying to get attention!”

“Well, then,” I told her, “don’t give him what he wants! Just ignore it! Don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing how he’s made you feel!”

“You’re right, Mam!” she acknowledges. “I was going to tweet about him being a loser, but it’s better to just ignore him! Thanks, Mam! You’re the best!”

On Monday afternoon, I got a text from Maddie: ‘Can you pick Lissie up from school? She’s really upset!’. I sent a reply telling Maddie that I was on my way.

I excused myself from work and drove to school. When I pulled up, I could see Maddie and Stacie, appearing to be standing guard over a group of younger girls. Looking closer, it seemed that the group was made up of Lissie and her friends. Stacie had a face like thunder, and, as I got out of the car, I heard her tell a group of boys, who were approaching the girls, to go away, though she didn’t use words anything like that polite!

“What’s going on?” I asked, when I reached them.

Lissie burst into tears and threw her arms around me. By the looks of her, Rayna had been crying as well, and she was being comforted by Elora. Rosie and Luisa looked stunned, and Keira seemed, like Stacie, ready to pick a fight with anyone.

“It’s the bloody troll!” Maddie said, using language as strong as I’ve ever heard her use. She passed me her phone, on which there was another of the superimposed pictures. When I saw it, I couldn’t help gasping: the picture was of a pig, a sow, suckling her piglets; but the pig had Gemma’s face, and the piglets had been given the faces of Lissie and her friends. ‘One fat pig making lots more fat pigs’ stated the caption.

“Oh, girls, that’s awful, I’m so sorry,” I began, before I was interrupted by Stacie’s phone alerting her to an incoming call.

“Hi Gemma,” she said, “thanks for calling back, have you seen it? … Yeah … Yeah, they’re really upset by it … Yeah … Delete it, Gemma, just delete it … I don’t know … That’s up to you … Okay … Yeah, okay, I’ll tell them … Bye!”

We all looked at Stacie, as she told us, “That was Gemma! She says she’s really, really sorry that you’ve had to see that picture. But she hasn’t been on her Twitter until just now, so she’s only just seen it herself. She’s deleting it, and she’s deleting her Twitter account as well. And she says she’s going to find a way to make it up to all of you.”

“Well, there you go girls,” I said, trying to reassure them, “Gemma’s doing what she can. She’s getting rid of the picture, and hopefully, if her account’s gone then there won’t be any more.”

“But this one will have been retweeted, you can bet on that!” Stacie pointed out.

“Well, she can’t do anything about that,” I said, “none of us can. You’ll all just have to find a way of dealing with it, the best you can.” They looked at me and nodded.

“And if anyone says anything to you, come and tell me, and I’ll sort them out!” Stacie instructed. “And they’ll wish they’d kept their big mouth shut!”

“Don’t you do anything silly, Stacie!” I warned her. “Remember, you’ve got your ‘A’ Level exams! You don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that! All this’ll blow over in a few days!”

“I know, but I’m right angry about it!” she told me. “Look how upset it’s made these poor lasses! What have they ever done to anyone?”

I felt exactly the same, but I knew that I couldn’t let it get to me. Stacie had let it go, as well, as I told her. “Don’t let them win!” I advised. “Rise above it! Prove you’re better than them!”

She looked me in the eye and gave a faint smile. “I’ll try!” she promised.

“Now, girls,” I said to the group, “I can’t fit you all in my car, but, maybe, if Lissie, you and Rayna go with Maddie and Stacie back to ours, and I’ll drop the rest of you home. That way, you won’t have to deal with any unwanted attention on your own. How does that sound?”

The girls agreed that it sounded like a good idea, so they said their goodbyes, and Rosie, Keira, and Luisa squeezed onto the back seat, leaving Elora to sit in the front. Maddie, Stacie, Lissie, and Rayna set off walking, with Stacie determined to take no nonsense from anyone they might meet on the way.

As I drove, I tried to set the girls’ minds at ease a little. “I know the picture was horrible,” I told them, “but it wasn’t aimed at you. Whoever did it was trying to hurt Gemma, and they don’t care who else gets hurt as well. And anyone who makes fun of you about it, or retweets it, or whatever, well, they aren’t worth you wasting your time or energy on. I know it’s hard, but just try to ignore it, and I promise it will go away and all be forgotten before you know it.” I glanced in the rear-view mirror, and saw the girls looking at me, processing what I’d said.

“Thank you,” a voice next to me said, “thank you for what you just said, and thank you for taking us home. We really appreciate it!” Elora twisted round to look at the others. “Don’t we guys?!”

There was a chorus of “yes” and “thank you” from the back seat, and I smiled into the mirror, before patting Elora lightly on the knee. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her look across at me and smile.

Rayna took a bit more convincing that everything would be alright, and my eldest daughter made her promise that, if anything or anyone upset her, she would come and find Maddie. “Just think of me as your big sister!” she told Rayna, who looked at her gratefully. It was a look that told me that, if ever Maddie desired another little sister, Rayna was there, ready and waiting!

Once Stacie had left, and Rayna’s Mam had collected her, I sat my two down for a talk about the perils of social media. “I’m not trying to stop you using it,” I told them, “because it can be a really good, fun thing, as you know. But, just bear in mind, that you will come across this sort of thing from time to time, and you have to be able to deal with it and not let it get to you!”

“I know!” Maddie replied.

“It’s just,” Lissie added, “I felt so, … I don’t know, … it hurt me to think that someone thinks that about me!”

I put an arm around her, as I advised, “You can’t let it get to you, Lissie! I know we all want to be liked all the time, and it’s not nice when someone says horrible things about us, or posts it on Twitter or whatever, but we can’t control what gets said sometimes. The best thing to do is ignore it! These people want to get a reaction, that’s why they do it! So, if you ignore it, they’re not getting what they want, and they’ll move on to someone else.”

“But loads of people will see it and laugh at me!”

“So they might! But everyone who already knows you, everyone who matters to you, they’re going to see it for what it is: a stupid load of nonsense! And you’ll find they’ll want to be there for you, to help you, to protect you from it; just look at how Stacie was! It’s when things get tough that you find out who your real friends are!”

She leant in closer and hugged me. “Thanks, Mam!” her muffled voice said, from somewhere buried in my chest.

“Now,” I told the pair of them, when Lissie had perked up a bit, “go and find a video of a cat doing something stupid to cheer yourselves up!”

[alli55]

Lissie’s already sprawled across the living room floor with her pillows, as usual, so, as Maddie comes down the stairs, ahead of this week’s Britain’s Most Daring, I intercept her and take her into the kitchen, out of Lissie’s hearing.

“Has anything more happened about the pictures?” I ask her, having heard nothing since Monday.

“Not really,” she tells me. “I think someone at school said something to Rosie and Keira, but they just told them to grow up and get a life! Lissie hasn’t said anything else to me.”

“Good!” I remark. Maddie turns to go, but I stop her. “One more thing, Maddie: have you thought any more about what you want to do for your birthday? It is a special one, after all!”

“I’d like to do something,” she explains, “but it’s right in the middle of the worst week for exams! I’ve got four that week, so I can’t do anything really!”

“How about we wait till after all your exams are over, and then you can have a special celebration? How does that sound?”

“That sounds great! It’d be like ‘hooray, end of exams’ and my birthday all in one! Yeah, I’d love that! Thanks, Mam! You’re the best!”

“Okay, let me know if you have any ideas of what you want to do! Anything you fancy, alright?” I tell her, wanting to impress upon her the fact that her eighteenth birthday really is a special occasion that merits a special celebration.

“Okay!”

Our conversation over, we wander into the living room and take up our regular places.

“Where’s Dad?” asks Lissie.

“Is he not back yet?” I ask in return. “He went over to watch the Cup Final on Simon’s 60-inch screen. He said he’d make sure he was back in time.”

“Well, he’d better hurry up!” Lissie declares.

Right on cue, we hear a key being pushed into the lock, and the front door open. Moments later, Phil walks in, with a huge grin on his face. Before anyone can say anything, he half-says half-sings, “I know something you don’t know!”

Maddie gives her Dad the sort of withering look that only teenage daughters can, a mixture of pity and embarrassment showing on her face.

Lissie is far more interested. “What?” she asks.

Her Dad taps the side of his nose. “Uh-uh! That’d be telling!” he teases.

“Da-ad!” she pleads.

The continuity announcer’s voice saves him from any more questioning, for now!

“Now on Channel 4, strictly speaking, it’s strictly not Strictly, but strictly Britain’s Most Daring!” he says, somewhat confusingly. “Strictly!” he adds for good measure.

The opening titles are different-yet-similar this week. They begin with a shot of a spinning disco ball, to the sound of the familiar theme tune. The usual mixture of images from the series so far, including some new ones from last week’s show, follow; but, each image emerges from the disco ball, as if thrown out by the spinning motion of the ball, whistles across the screen, and then is replaced by the next image. It is a quite dizzying effect! As the music comes to an end, and the audience begin to applaud, one last image comes out of the disco ball: a black shape, which ultimately fills the whole screen, with the words ‘Last week on Britain’s Most Daring …’ in white writing.

The rapid-fire montage of last week’s highlights begins with a shot of Aleksandra entering a ladies’ toilet and dragging Keenan in with her; we then see, first, Ayla, in a pink dress, and, then, Matt, in a navy-blue jump-suit, walk down the Britain’s Most Daring catwalk; a group of young teenage girls jump up and throw their arms into the air, smiling broadly; Keenan, in a checked shirt and dark trousers, is on the catwalk, and then Jaz, wearing a black ballgown, takes her turn in the fashion show; Eilidh pulls open her lab coat to reveal she’s only wearing a bra underneath; we next see Tommy, in t-shirt and jeans, and Bradley, in a rugby shirt and sweatpants, on the catwalk; there’s a surreal image of Bob the Builder, as portrayed by Dylan, giving us a thumbs-up, before we’re back on the catwalk again; Eilidh walks down it, wearing a floral dress that plunges daringly to her waist, and Gemma is next, in a black chiffon dress with a floral theme; we then witness Wilma Flintstone plop herself into Fred’s lap and put an arm around her husband, Lowri getting up to her flirty tricks with Dylan once more; Mia is next on the catwalk, dressed in a chequer-board suit, and she is followed by Dylan in a black suit with an x-ray skeleton printed onto it; Eilidh, with her back to us, drops her lab coat to reveal her bare back, but allows it to slip further than she wants, giving us a view of her pantie-clad bottom as well. The screen fades to black, and a red number 10 appears; behind this we see Trixie hug Tommy, before the Yorkshireman shakes Joe’s hand, applauds the audience and walks off; the number 10 fades and is replaced by a 9, which holds for a moment before also fading.

As the studio audience applaud loudly, we zoom in from a long-shot until Trixie and Joe fill the frame, standing together, waiting for the applause to die enough for Trixie to begin. Joe is dressed in the tuxedo he wore for the Musical Extravaganza a few weeks ago, complete with bow tie again. Trixie, by contrast, looks decidedly under-dressed: she is wearing a sleeveless pastel-pink cotton blouse over a floaty crimson skirt that comes to halfway down her thighs. Interestingly, she is holding a pink clutch bag.

“Hello everyone,” she cries, eventually, “and welcome to this week’s Britain’s Most Daring, with me, Trixie Stonehill …”

“… and me, Joe Denecker,” Joe contributes his usual opening line.

Trixie produces a piece of paper from her bag, telling Joe, “We’ve received a letter this week!”

“What’s one of them?” asks Joe.

She rolls her eyes as she informs him, “It’s like an email, only written on paper with a pen!”

“Oh, right! What’s it say?”

“It’s a letter of complaint!”

“Is it? Oh!” Joe says, his disappointment clear in his voice. “Just throw it away, then!”

“No,” Trixie refuses, “I think it makes a valid point!”

“Which is …?”

“Let me read it!” Trixie replies. She holds the paper up and reads from it. “‘Dear Britain’s Most Daring, I wish to complain about the inconsistent treatment, based on gender, of the people on your show. It was noticeable how the women were shown scantily-clad whilst the men received no such treatment! One poor young woman was exposed in her bra, and then later had her knickers shown to the nation. Does the viewing public really want to see this lady’s knickers?’”

“Woah, hold on!” Joe interrupts. “Let’s find out!” From out of his jacket pocket, he produces a pair of black panties that look remarkably like the ones we saw Eilidh accidentally reveal last week. “Audience, cheer if you want to see Eilidh’s panties!” There is a loud cheer, complete with wolf-whistling and whooping. When it has died down, Joe instructs, “Now cheer if you don’t want to see them.” There is a muted cheer made up entirely of female voices. “I think that settles that, don’t you!?” Joe concludes, smugly.

Trixie ignores him and returns to reading the letter. “‘In this day and age,’” she goes on, “‘why should women be degraded in this way? It is 2018 and equality should be at the heart of everything you do! Please correct this outdated attitude!’” She looks at Joe, who shrugs in response. “Well, we’re happy to do just that!” she announces. She delves into her clutch bag once again and brings out a bright yellow pair of men’s briefs. Opening them out, she holds them up to reveal a cartoon monkey and the words ‘Hung like a banana’ across the front of the briefs. Grinning from ear to ear, she looks knowingly at Joe. There is uproarious laughter coming from the audience.

Phil and I are in fits of laughter. Maddie is also giggling away, but looking rather embarrassed at the same time. As for Lissie, she doesn’t seem to know whether to be shocked, embarrassed or amused! If anything, the look on her face is making me laugh more than the pants are!

“Where d’you get those?” Joe asks, to the sound of more laughter. “I was looking for them for ages this afternoon!”

“Quite proud of them, are we?”

“They’re just a pair of pants, that’s all!”

The disbelief in Trixie’s voice is clear for all to hear, when she says, “Really, Mr Banana?”

As the audience continue to laugh at his expense, Joe is becoming more and more embarrassed and increasingly flustered. Trixie is enjoying this, immensely!

“Me and the girls in the production team have clubbed together and got you another pair,” she informs Joe, reaching into her bag again. She produces a white pair this time, which, upon being opened out, cause the audience to roar with laughter once more. There is a picture of a magnifying glass on the front of the pants, together with the words ‘Where’s Willy?’!

Maddie’s face has turned bright red, through a mixture of laughing and blushing; Phil has laughed so much it’s making him cough; and tears are streaming down my face. Poor Lissie has given up trying to be shocked, and is now torn between embarrassment and laughter, in much the same way her sister is.

Trixie holds the pants up, allowing us to be given a close-up of them, as she continues to tease Joe. “What do you reckon? We went for one size fits all!”

Joe nods, with a nonplussed look on his face. “Yeah,” he remarks, “I can imagine you did!”

Trixie grins again, and says, “So, I reckon we’ve evened up the pants things a bit, don’t you?” She thrusts the two pairs of pants towards Joe, and adds, “You have these, and I’ll take the panties, thank you very much!”

Joe takes the pants from her and hands over the pair of black panties, which Trixie tucks into her clutch bag. Joe seems to have trouble finding somewhere to put his pants, as they don’t fit into any of his pockets; he ends up having to just hold them in one hand.

“Right,” Trixie announces, “now we’ve sorted that out, let’s get on with the show!”

“Not so fast!” Joe tells her. “There’s something else!”

“Now what?”

“You!”

“Me? What about me?”

“Well, look at you!” he remarks. “You could have at least made an effort!” He sweeps his arm up and down himself, before waving it in Trixie’s direction.

“Well, I didn’t like to ask,” she begins, “but I was wondering, why are you dressed up like that?”

“Don’t you remember? It’s the strictly not Strictly show this week!” he reminds her.

“Yeah, I know!”

“So …,” he gestures towards her dress-down appearance once more.

“Ohhh!” she exclaims, as she realises what’s happened. “You’ve completely missed the point, haven’t you?!”

He looks puzzled. “Have I? How?”

“It’s strictly not Strictly,” she points out, “so, we’re not doing all the glitzy, sparkly, dress-up stuff!”

“Well, you might have told me!” he complains.

“We kind of thought you’d work it out for yourself,” she explains, “but obviously we were expecting too much!”

“I feel a right fool!”

“Mmm-hmm!”

“You’re not supposed to agree!” he castigates her. “You’re supposed to say that it’s an easy mistake to make!”

“Yeah? Well, it is, …” she complies, before adding, “… if you’re an idiot!”

“Well, thanks! So, if we’re not doing the glitzy, sparkly stuff, what are we doing?”

This is the cue for Trixie to introduce this week’s show to us, finally! “As I said, it’s strictly not Strictly this week on Britain’s Most Daring! We’ve ditched the glitz and dumped the glam, so we can concentrate on the proper stuff … the dancing!”

“Yes,” Joe continues, “this week wor daredevils will be showing off their best moves!”

“So, join us after the break,” Trixie instructs us, “when we’ll discover exactly what that is going to involve! Don’t go anywhere; we’ll be right back, after this!”

Well that was certainly a different start to the show!

[alli55]

“Okay,” I say, asking the question that is on everyone’s mind, “what’s Gemma like at dancing?”

Lissie shrugs, and Phil just looks at me, with no discernible expression. I turn, expectantly, to Maddie.

“I don’t know!” she informs us. “I think she goes clubbing with her mates sometimes!”

“I’m not sure that’s the same thing, at all!” I tell her.

“I know that!” she assures me. “But that’s all I know!”

Well, that’s that, then!

We sit through a few more adverts, then something suddenly occurs to me. I turn to my husband and look at him. “You know more than you’re letting on, don’t you?!” I accuse him, remembering what he had told us when he came in a little earlier.

“Might do!” he replies, raising an eyebrow.

“And …?”

“I can’t!” he insists. “I don’t want to spoil it!”

“Da-ad!” Lissie cries again. It didn’t work before, and it doesn’t this time, either!

“Hello, and welcome back!” cries Trixie.

“It’s strictly not Strictly tonight on Britain’s Most Daring,” Joe reminds us, “though, to be honest, I’ve lost the plot as to what’s actually going on!”

Trixie glances at him and smirks. “Come on, keep up!” she tells him. “It’s our no-glitz, no-glam Dance Special!”

“Or ‘Dancing for Dummies’ as I wanted to call it!” Joe reveals.

“Ye-es,” Trixie murmurs, before continuing, “so, let’s find out what this week’s dancing dare involves!”

We see the two presenters, in last week’s outfits, standing alongside the remaining daredevils, who are sitting in two rows.

“Okay,” last-week-Trixie says to the daredevils, “to tell you what your dare is for this week, here’s our very own Dare Deliverer.”

“DD, what have you got for us?” asks Joe, cheekily.

“Well,” the sultry-voiced Dare Deliverer begins, “do you know what I like to do most in my spare time?”

“I dread to think!” Joe interrupts. “But I’m sure it’s not suitable for family viewing!”

“Ooh, naughty! I don’t mean that spare time!” she teases. “No, I’m talking about my dance classes! Well, I thought, why not mix business with pleasure?! So, my little daredevils, your dare this week involves dancing, which I just know you’re going to adore! And to make it more fun, we’re going to have a battle of the sexes! Boys versus the superior sex!” Joe rolls his eyes and shakes his head, and Trixie smirks again. “Boys: I dare you to take part in a Street Dance Festival, and you’d better put on a good performance!” the Dare Deliverer challenges. “And girls: I dare you to become Cheerleaders for a day, and I’ve even got you somewhere to show off your abilities! Good luck, my little dancing daredevils, and keep dancing!”

Back, live, in the studio, Trixie summarises: “So, our daredevils have been split into groups, the boys and the girls, for this week’s dare.”

“And we gave each group a mentor and a hindrance!” Joe informs us. “The boys will be mentored by wor very own streetdancer, Mairie, with Olly getting in the way; whilst the girls will be able to call on Lorna’s expertise, but they will also have to deal with wor Lowri, God help them!”

“Yes, rather them than me!” agrees Trixie. “So, we let them sleep on it, and then gathered them together in their groups the next morning to begin their training. Here’s how the boys got on!”

The boys have gathered in one of the studios that were used for the Musical Extravaganza rehearsals earlier in the series.

Keenan seems to have taken leadership of the group. “Okay,” he asks, “who knows anything about Street Dancing?”

No-one says a thing, until Matt offers, “I think it’s when you dance in the street!”, and bursts out laughing.

“Classic!” laughs Dylan. He offers Matt a fist-bump, which is enthusiastically returned.

“Seriously,” Keenan tries again, “does anyone have any idea what it involves?”

“I do!” says a female voice with a strong Ulster accent, from the studio door. The lads turn to see Mairie walking towards them, accompanied by Olly.

“I don’t have a clue!” Olly informs them. “But Mairie, here, was in a dance group that were runners-up in the UK Street Dance Challenge in 2016!”

“Wicked!” cries Dylan.

“Now we might have a chance!” remarks Keenan.

“Oh, you’ve got more than a chance!” Mairie tells them. “I’ll have you knocked into shape, trust me, for sure I will!”

“Great!” says Matt. “What’s the plan?”

“Okay,” Olly tells them, “you’ve got a week to practice, and then, on Saturday we’ve got you a slot in the exhibition part of the UK Dance Challenge weekend in Peterborough.”

“The exhibition part of the weekend is where the groups try out their new routines before the competition itself,” Mairie explains, “so, although the standard is really high, no-one minds too much if the routines go a bit wrong from time to time.”

“That’s a relief!” grins Matt.

“So, what exactly are we going to be doing,” Bradley asks, “’cos I’ve got no idea what Street Dancing is!?”

“Okay, do you remember Diversity, who won Britain’s Got Talent a few years ago?” Mairie asks.

“Yeah, vaguely,” Bradley replies.

“Well, that’s the sort of thing you’re going to be doing!”

“Oh my God! You have to be joking!”

“No!” Mairie asserts. “So, come on, you lot, let’s see what sort of things you can do! Up you get!”

They stand and, on Mairie’s instruction, each one finds himself some floor space and waits for the agony to begin!

“Looks like they’re really going to be put through their paces!” remarks Joe, as we return to the studio. “We’ll catch up with them a bit later.”

“Right now, let’s take a look at the girls,” Trixie declares, “as they face up to the challenge of becoming cheerleaders!”

The girls are gathered in a similar studio, sitting in a semi-circle around Lorna, who is trying to ascertain what sort of abilities she has at her disposal.

“So, have any of you done any cheerleading before?” she asks, hopefully.

“Yeah, me!” answers Jaz. “I did it all the way through secondary school.”

“Great!” remarks Lorna. “Anyone else?”

“Aye, I have,” Eilidh tells her, “but I only did it for a couple of years when I was like 13, 14.”

“This is good!” Lorna enthuses.

“We had someone come into our school once and do a bit with us,” Gemma says, “but it was only like an hour, that’s all I did.”

“Okay,” Lorna tells her, “that’s a start!”

At that moment, the door to the studio bursts open, and Lowri enters, carrying a pom-pom in each hand.

“Right,” she cries, with her usual over-the-top enthusiasm, “where’s the cheerleading class? I’ve got my pom-poms and I’m ready for action!”

Several of the daredevils exchange knowing looks, accompanied by rolled eyes and shaken heads. Their week has just taken a very different turn!

“You can play with your pom-poms later!” Lorna advises. “For now, just tell them what they’re going to be doing next Saturday!”

Lowri chucks the pom-poms at Ayla, who catches one and gets hit in the face by the other, and says, “Oh, yes, guys, you’re going to love this! We have pulled out all the stops on this one and got you the best gig ever!” The girls are looking increasingly anxious, as Lowri builds the anticipation, and with it the potential pressure: “You are going to be at Wembley Stadium next Saturday, warming up the crowd before the start of the F.A. Cup Final! 90,000 people, and they’re all yours!”

Now we know what Phil has seen that he can’t tell us! He’s already seen how Gemma’s dare ends up! I suspect that he is going to get a grilling from his daughters, especially his youngest, during the next advert break!

Jaz gasps, Mia looks shocked, Eilidh and Gemma exchange glances, and Ayla mutters, “Oh my God!” It’s fair to say that their dare has just escalated in its enormity!

“Okay, don’t worry, guys,” Lorna reassures them, “it’s really no different cheerleading in front of 90 or 90,000! We’ll get you into a place where you’re confident in what you’re doing, and you’ll be fine!” She grins, as she adds, “And if necessary, we’ll just send Lowri out to make a fool of herself!”

“You give me a set of pom-poms, and that crowd’ll be putty in my hands!” Lowri vows, and giggles. It does the trick: the girls are infected by her giggle, and begin to relax again, as we leave them and return to Trixie and Joe in the studio.

“Wow!” exclaims Joe. “We’ve really ramped it up this week!”

“We certainly have!” agrees Trixie. “Let’s just hope we don’t have to let Lowri loose on the Wembley crowd!”

“Okay, they all know what they’re working towards,” Joe reminds us, “so, let’s see how the boys are shaping up under Mairie’s instruction!”

The boys, including Olly, have all found themselves a bit of space, and are watching and listening to Mairie. She is at the front, facing them all, as she works through a few basic movements that they will need to master.

“Okay, I want you to roll your shoulders!” she instructs, as she demonstrates the movement she wants to see. “Like this!” They attempt to copy her, with varying degrees of success. A series of shots sees Mairie encouraging the boys to copy her hip rotations, head nods, and body rocking. From what we can see: Matt seems to be a natural; Dylan is managing reasonably well, as is Olly, for what it’s worth; Keenan is trying hard; but Bradley is having real trouble. Whilst the others are practising some of the moves, Mairie comes over to Bradley and takes hold of his hips. She moves them to mimic the hip rotations that she was doing earlier, slowly at first, and then, gradually, increasing the tempo. When she thinks he’s got the movement, she lets go and urges him to keep going on his own; when he manages it, she high-fives him.

“Alright,” we see her say next, “let’s try some simple dances! How about the Running Man?!” She demonstrates this classic dance and encourages the boys to follow her lead. The results are hilarious, as Keenan can’t remain on one spot, and keeps bumping into the others! Mairie tries hard, but collapses in a fit of giggles when Keenan collides with Olly, causing him to fall over and into Dylan. Olly attempts to flip himself upright, but succeeds only in kicking Keenan’s bum. Dylan creases at the sight, and poor Mairie cuts a helpless figure at the front, convulsed with laughter.

“I think there’s some work to be done there!” Trixie comments, when the filmed segment ends.

“I think Mairie’s got a right job on her hands!” Joe adds. “If she can whip that lot into shape, she deserves a medal!”

“Let’s see if Lorna’s having the same problems, shall we!?” suggests Trixie. “Take a look at this!”

Lorna has arranged the girls in a large semi-circle around her. She takes Lowri’s pom-poms and throws them well out of the way. “We won’t be needing those, yet!” she declares. “Okay, let’s teach you the basic motions!”

She demonstrates each one in turn, and the girls copy her: ‘touchdown’ has them raise their arms straight up above their head; ‘t-mo’ sees them stretch their arms straight out to the sides at shoulder level; she then gets them to put their arms into a v-shape above their head (‘high-v’) and then a downward v-shape (‘low-v’); finally, she shows them the ‘clasp’, which involves them clasping their hands in front of them with fists just below the chin. None of the girls have any trouble adopting the required positions.

The trouble starts when Lorna tries to string a few motions together! “T-mo; high-v; low-v; t-mo; clasp; touchdown; clasp,” she begins. As she calls out the instructions, demonstrating all the while, the girls attempt to get their arms into the right positions. With their previous cheerleading experience, Jaz and Eilidh can do this in their sleep, and it proves no problem for Gemma and Ayla either. Lowri also handles it perfectly well, but Mia is hopeless. She appears to have no control over her arms, as they splay out in all directions in an uncoordinated array of flailing limbs. The other girls, seeing the chaotic display, have trouble concentrating, as they begin to get the giggles.

“My God, it’s like cheerleading with an octopus!” quips Lowri, whose remark brings the session to a halt, as the rest of the girls give in to the urge to laugh.

“I can’t do this!” Mia declares. “It’s pointless!” she adds, and stomps over to a chair and sits down, her arms folded across her chest. The rest look at each other, before Lorna takes charge and resumes their practice. After a few moments, Jaz looks across at Mia, and decides to leave the rest to their motions, as she goes over and pulls up a chair next to the unhappy daredevil.

“I’ll help you, Mia,” she says, gently, “just like you helped me with the busking! We did that, and we can do this! I know we can!”

“This is different,” Mia replies, “you had the talent for busking; I can’t do this! I just can’t!”

We return to the studio, and Joe remarks, “Problems for the girls as well, by the looks of it!”

“Indeed!” Trixie concurs. “Both groups have plenty of work to do before they are ready to complete their dare! After the break, we’ll see whether they’re making any progress as the week goes on! Join us then, for more Britain’s Most Daring Dance Special!”

The instant the theme music starts, four teenaged eyes are on their father.

“Well, Dad?” Lissie says.

“Well, what?” he teases.

“Well, what did you see on the telly, at the football today?”

“What do you think I saw?”

“Well, you obviously saw Gemma and the girls doing the cheerleading dare!” Maddie states.

“Did I?”

“You know you did!” Maddie tells him.

“So, tell us, what was it like?” Lissie demands.

“I’m not sure I can remember!” he smirks.

I’ve had enough of this! “If you’re not going to tell them what you saw, just say so!” I order. “But, stop teasing them like this, it’s not fair! You should know better!”

“Ohhh, Emma,” he complains, “you take all the fun out of being a parent, sometimes, you know!”

[alli55]

“How is the Dare-Off going to work this week?”

Lissie’s question, following a lengthy pause, comes out of the blue, taking us all by surprise.

“I imagine it will be like it was for the singing one,” I tell her, “where the group that got the lowest score all had to do the Dare-Off. Why?”

“I just wondered!”

“Welcome back to our Battle Of The Sexes Dancing Special!” Trixie says.

“Yes,” Joe adds, “it’s boys against girls, street-dancers against cheerleaders!”

“They’ve each got one of our ex-dancers to help them out,” Trixie reminds us.

“And a complete idiot to get in the way!” comments Joe.

“Before the break,” Trixie adds, “we saw both groups having problems early on in the week!”

“So, have they managed to overcome their issues?” Joe wonders. “Let’s take another look at how they’re getting on. First up, it’s the girls!”

“Right, girls,” Lorna says, “let’s see if we can get you doing the Step-Up drill! Eilidh and Gemma, I need you to be the bases!” The two girls step forward. “Stand facing each other,” Lorna instructs them. “Now, stretch your weaker leg back behind you, keeping it straight all the time, and bend your front leg! That’s what’s known as a ‘Lunge’, okay?” They all nod in reply, and whilst Gemma and Eilidh are doing their Lunge, Lorna says, “Jaz, I want you to be the top, and Ayla can spot!”

“I don’t need anyone spotting!” Jaz tells her.

“I know you don’t, but the others will, so they need to see how it’s done!”

“Oh, yeah, of course,” Jaz realises.

“Now, Jaz, come and stand here,” she points to a position next to the front legs of Gemma and Eilidh, “and Ayla, stand behind Jaz and hold onto her waist! Keep hold of her all the time!”

With Ayla holding her, Jaz gets ready to do the Step-Up. It’s a drill she will have done countless times during her years as a cheerleader, but she dutifully waits for Lorna to describe it to the others before she performs it.

“So, Jaz, when I say, I want you to put one foot in the pocket created by Gemma’s thigh and hip, here,” she pats the place where she wants Jaz to step onto. “Then put one hand on Eilidh’s shoulder and one hand on Gemma’s! Then push up with your hands and your bottom foot, so that you are standing on Gemma’s thigh! Stay there for a second, then step back down! Alright?”

The girls all nod, so Lorna says, “Okay, step up, Jaz!” She performs her Step-Up immaculately. “And again, onto Eilidh’s thigh!” instructs Lorna, and Jaz complies.

“Right, Lowri, you spot, and let Ayla be the top!” Jaz, Lowri, and Ayla take up their new positions, and the drill is repeated. Even Mia has no problem with this drill when it’s her turn.

“Excellent!” Lorna enthuses. “Now for a Thigh Stand! Jaz, you go first again! Gemma, Eilidh, let’s give you a rest and get two new bases: how about, Ayla and Lowri!”

They get into position, and when she is satisfied with their Lunges, Lorna tells Jaz to get ready. “Eilidh, can you spot please?” she asks. “Right, this time, Jaz, I want you to put one foot into the pocket on Ayla’s thigh, hands on shoulders again, and then step your other foot into Lowri’s pocket. Ayla and Lowri, when Jaz has her foot on your thigh, you need to reach under her leg and hold onto her thigh, okay! Jaz, when you’ve got the Thigh Stand, hold the position, and do a high-v until I tell you to step down! Okay?! Ready? Off you go!” With Eilidh holding her waist, Jaz executes a near-perfect Thigh Stand with high-v, and the girls high-five each other when it’s completed.

Lorna talks to camera, as behind her we see the girls repeatedly practicing their Step-Ups and Thigh Stands, with different people taking on the various roles each time. “They’re doing really well!” she enthuses. “Obviously, it helps a lot to have Jaz’s experience and Eilidh as well, but the others are picking it up really quickly. Even Mia is coming on in leaps and bounds. She just gets a bit flustered sometimes, but, hopefully, we can work on that.” She looks over at the girls doing their drills, and then confides, “And I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how Lowri has knuckled down. I thought she might be too much of a distraction, but, actually, she’s taking it really seriously. I’m definitely going to include her in the routine Jaz and I put together for the girls to do on Saturday. There’s so much more you can do with a group of 6 than you can with 5!”

“Well, that’s looking a lot more positive!” exclaims Trixie, as the filmed segment ends.

“Yes, it is!” agrees Joe. “And I canna believe I heard the words ‘Lowri’ and ‘seriously’ mentioned together!”

“So, with the girls coming on nicely, there’s a bit more pressure on the boys to perform!” Trixie remarks. “Let’s see how they’re getting on!”

Mairie has got the boys jogging on the spot, getting them warmed up for what she has planned for them. “Okay,” she tells them, “that should do!”

“Thank God for that,” remarks Olly, “I’m knackered already!”

She ignores him and explains to the boys what she wants them to do. “So, let’s get you doing some basic moves!” she says. “We’ll start by trying a Pop. Just watch what I do for now!” She leans to her left and raises her right arm to shoulder level; she then flexes the muscles in her arm and grinds her shoulders. “That’s a Pop!” she tells them, and then repeats it, leaning the other way, with her other arm. “Do you see what I’m doing?” she asks.

Some of them think they do, but, when they try it, they soon find it’s not as easy as Mairie makes it look. Bradley and Keenan look mystified by the whole thing. Mairie calls a halt to the chaos, and gets them to watch her again, as she pops some more. She tries to do it as slowly as she can, allowing them to see exactly what movements her arms and shoulders are making.

“Now you try it!” she instructs them, and she wanders amongst them, offering help and advice. When she gets to Bradley, she is unable to stop herself from giggling. Taking hold of his arm, she attempts to flex it and get him to pop, but is interrupted by a loud cry of pain.

“Owww, crap that hurt!” exclaims Olly. “I think I’ve put my shoulder out!”

“It’s supposed to pop, mate!” Matt tells him, chuckling. “Just do it again and pop it back!”

“I’m not doing that again!” Olly asserts.

In our next shot, Mairie is back at the front of the class; Olly, we notice, is sat on a chair at the side. “Now, let’s try a Lock!” Mairie decides. “Watch and learn!” Once again, she tries to make her movements as slow and obvious as she can: she begins by turning slightly to her right and bending both her knees; then she brings her elbows up and out to her sides, locking them into that position; she finishes the move by turning her left arm in, rotating it all the way under and extending it straight outwards, pointing her finger out to add to the effect. She then repeats the last part of the Lock with her right arm. “It’s important to keep your movement as fluid as you can!” she tells the boys, who are, by now, looking aghast at the idea of trying to copy everything that she’s just done. She shows them again, and then we switch to a shot of the rest of them trying their Locks. The results are predictably mixed, and Bradley is having trouble again.

“I don’t think I’m cut out for this malarkey!” he informs her, when she comes across to help.

“Nonsense!” she admonishes him. “You just need to loosen up! Just go with it and have fun!”

As the boys pop and lock, with varying styles, Mairie tells us how she thinks things are going. “They’re beginning to get the idea, but we’ve obviously got a lot of work to do, especially with poor Bradley! I think he’s got it in him, but he doesn’t seem able to just allow himself to relax enough. We’re going to have to keep the routine very simple in the main, but I’m hoping maybe Matt or Dylan might be able to try something to make it a bit more dynamic and interesting. But we’ll see how things go!”

With Mairie at the front once again, we watch as they progress to their next move: a Body Wave.

“I want you to try this one as you watch me doing it! But, be careful,” she warns them, “there’s a bit more to it than the Pop or Lock!” They make sure they have enough space each, and watch her closely.

“So,” she tells them, “you start with your feet apart, like this.” She stands with her feet about shoulder-width apart. She proceeds to describe the moves she’s doing as she does them. They follow her instructions, performing the movements as best they can. “Okay, lift your heels up off the ground. Now, push your heels back down and bend your knees slightly; let your hips come forward, and then your ribs and your chest. Now, roll your shoulders forward, and then look down. It’s really important that you look down! Okay, then you reverse the movement. So, roll your shoulders back and lift your head; then wave your chest back, and then your belly; roll your hips back and let your knees go back, too. Finally, push your heels back to the ground. That’s a Body Wave! And remember, try to make the movements as fluid as possible! Like this!” She makes three waves roll up and down her body in succession. “Now, you try it!” she orders.

Matt gets it straight away, and is chuffed to bits! “Alright!” he exclaims. “This is right good!” He body waves a few more times and then starts mixing in some Pops and Locks. Mairie watches, with a huge smile on her face, as Keenan shouts “Go Matt!”. When he’s finished his display, Dylan comes over, fists-bumps him, and puts his face into the camera lens and says, “Wicked!” With that image, the film ends, and we return to the studio.

“Wicked, indeed!” confirms Joe. “That was some display by Matt!”

“Awesome!” Trixie declares. “We definitely seem to have one proper street dancer! And we already know we’ve got a couple of real cheerleaders! Let’s catch up with them once more!”

The girls are still practising their Thigh Stands, as Lorna tells us, “I think they’re ready for something a bit more challenging and spectacular!” She turns and gets the girls’ attention, as we circle round to get a better view of what’s going on.

“Alright, girls,” Lorna begins, “I think we’re ready for the next bit! Jaz, I presume you know how to do an Elevator?”

“Yeah!” Jaz confirms. She asks, “Are we doing a walk-down or a pop-down?”

“Which would you prefer?”

“I like the pop-down better!”

“Okay, we’ll do that!” she announces. From the girls’ expressions, it’s clear that, aside from Eilidh, no-one has any idea what the two of them are talking about.

Lorna starts to instruct them. “Right, Eilidh, I want you to be the main base, and Gemma, you’re the other base!” As Gemma lunges into position, Lorna continues. “Mia, you can spot for this one!” She sees what Gemma has done, and corrects her: “No, Gemma, you don’t need to lunge for this! You and Eilidh need to stand, facing each other! Make sure you’ve got a good stance: feet firmly on the ground, legs apart, and knees bent! Now, each of you put your hands out and cup them to make a platform for Jaz’s foot! So, Jaz, we’ll talk it through first and then try it, okay? Mia, make sure you keep hold of Jaz all the time, round her waist!”

Now that she’s happy with their positions, she runs through the moves. “So, to start with, Jaz, put your foot in Eilidh’s hands, then put your hands on the shoulders of your bases, and, when you’re ready, bend your knee and push yourself up so that you can put your other foot in Gemma’s hands! Mia, when you feel Jaz lift up, let go of her waist! Bases, when Jaz has both feet in your hands, straighten your legs and push her up until your hands are next to your chin, and rest your elbows on your chest! Jaz, you help start the push up with your hands on their shoulders! Mia, hold Jaz’s ankles once she’s up to help keep her stable! Jaz, I want a high-v once you’re up, okay?”

What goes up, of course, must come down! So, Lorna describes the pop-down dismount for them. “When you’re ready for the dismount, bases, you need to let go of her toes and just use your back hand to support her, with Mia’s help! Then reach up with your front hand and grab Jaz’s hand in like a reverse handshake, she’ll lean down and forward so you can reach! Then, Gemma and Eilidh, you dip down and pop Jaz out of your back hand, then as quick as you can, each grab her bicep with your back hand and help her land softly! Mia, you grab her waist as soon as you can reach it and help her down!”

Gemma and Mia are looking a little uncertain, but Lorna assures them, “It sounds complicated, but really it’ll all become clear when we try it! Tell you what, Gemma, I’ll take your place, and you can watch first, okay? Mia, you’re okay spotting, aren’t you?!”

“Yeah,” Mia replies, and checks, “waist, then ankles, then waist, isn’t it?!”

“That’s right!”

Lorna takes Gemma’s place, and with three people who know what they’re doing, the Elevator is quickly achieved. At Lorna’s bidding, they do it a second time, before she gets Gemma back in place. The girls then go through the moves again, with no problems.

Lorna turns to the camera and cries, “How’s that for you?!”

“That’s crackin’!” Joe says, in reply. “They’re lookin’ really good!”

“I can’t wait to see what else Lorna can get them doing!” Trixie confesses. “And I bet you can’t either,” she says to us. “So, don’t go anywhere, because we’ll be back with more, right after this break!”

“Cheerleading looks really good!” Lissie declares.

“D’you fancy it, then?” I ask.

“Really? Yeah!”

Lissie is not a sporty type at all, so I’m conscious that she doesn’t really get enough exercise. If she wants to try cheerleading, then I’m definitely all for it! I grab my phone and put Mr Google to work!

[alli55]

“Okay, Lissie,” I tell my youngest daughter, “there’s a cheerleading class for age 10 to 17 in town, every Sunday at half-four for an hour.”

“Cool!”

“So, are you interested in going along?” I ask her.

“Let me message Rayna!” she replies. “I don’t want to go on my own!”

I’m not sure Rayna is the best choice, given her Mam’s work schedule and tight finances. “Why don’t you message Luisa or Elora as well?” I suggest. “You could do it as a group thing. That’d be nice!”

“Yeah, I will!” Her fingers begin tapping away on her phone as she sets about messaging her friends.

“And,” I add, turning to Phil, “they’ve got adult classes too! How would you like to try cheerleading?”

There’s a snort of derision, as Maddie falls back into her chair in a heap, clutching her sides.

“What’s so funny?” her father asks, indignantly.

“You, cheerleading!” she tells him, in between laughs.

“Oh, really? Emma, put me down for the class!”

I can’t quite believe what I’ve just heard! “Really?” I check.

“No, of course not!” he states. “Do I look stupid?” I begin to answer, but he interrupts to warn me, “Think carefully about how you answer that!” I just look at him, impassively. I keep looking at him until I get a reaction.

He reaches his arm around my back and pulls me into him, letting my head rest on his chest, and gives my waist a squeeze. I’ll stay here for as long as he wants!

“Welcome back!” Trixie greets us once more.

“It’s Dancing for Dummies on Britain’s Most Daring!” declares Joe, using his preferred title for this week’s show.

“No, it’s not!” corrects Trixie. “It’s our Battle Of The Sexes Dancing Special! The cheerleading girls versus the street-dancing boys!”

“Both the girls and the boys have had an intensive week of training and rehearsing, under the watchful eyes of wor dance experts, Mairie and Lorna,” Joe reminds us.

“And after a bit of a ropey start,” Trixie continues, “they have been getting more confident and improving nicely.”

“So, we’ve got high hopes for a strong performance from each of them!” concludes Joe.

“Now, each of our groups needed somewhere appropriate to show off their skills, and perform their dare,” Trixie states. “And, boy, have we found them somewhere!”

“Haven’t we just!” agrees Joe. “The girls will be cheerleading for the crowd at Wembley Stadium, ahead of the F.A. Cup Final, no less!”

“We’ll see how that goes for them a bit later on,” Trixie informs us. “But, first, the boys also had a very special event to attend.”

“They did indeed,” Joe carries on, “because we sent them to the UK Dance Challenge weekend in Peterborough.”

“Now, the Dance Challenge is the UK’s premier street dance competition,” Trixie emphasises, “so they’re going to be amongst the very best street dancers in the country.”

“We couldn’t enter them into the competition itself,” Joe points out, “because we didn’t want to embarrass the other dancers.” He pauses, and looks at Trixie. “Seriously?” he asks. “Who writes this stuff?”

“No, the competition actually takes place tomorrow,” she explains, “but earlier today there was the exhibition part of the weekend, where the dance troupes try out their new routines. We got the boys a place in that, so they could show off their skills to the Peterborough massive!”

“This is what they came up with!” Joe says, introducing the next film.

Olly opens the segment, as he welcomes us to Peterborough. “We’re here for the latest round of the UK Dance Challenge 2018!” he reminds us, and the camera swings round to focus on a large trailer-stage with a banner bearing the event’s name pinned across the top of the stage. In the very back corner of the stage, there is a DJ booth, and cables run along the wall from there to the speaker stack at the corresponding front corner of the stage. The rest of the stage is completely empty, leaving the dance troupes a fair bit of space in which to perform their routines.

Olly continues, “The boys have been working really hard on their routine, under the expert guidance of our very own Mairie.” The camera pans back round, and we see that Mairie has joined Olly. “Mairie,” he asks her, “are they ready?”

“I think so!” she tells him.

“And what can we expect?”

“I’ve tried to create a routine that all the boys will feel comfortable with,” she explains. “There’s plenty of fairly simple pop-and-lock-based movements, and some body-waves as well. I’ve also included some freestyle sections, where the boys can do their own thing, rather than keep everything too-tightly choreographed. This will allow Matt and Dylan to do their tricks, while the others keep it simple. Then I’ve gone for a big finish, with a jump-and-spin segue.”

“Sounds like it’s going to be quite eye-catching!” Olly comments.

“Let’s hope so!” Mairie agrees.

We cut to a shot of the boys, behind the stage, waiting for their turn.

“How are you feeling?” Olly asks Keenan.

“Really nervous!” he admits. “I’ll be glad when it’s over!”

Matt crashes the interview, gives us a ‘hang loose’ sign, and says, “Let’s kick it! Bring it on!”

Keenan gives a nervous laugh, and says, “He’s really got into this! I think he thinks he’s part of a hip-hop crew or something!” Matt is still hanging about in the background, and we can see that he’s re-shaved his head to sharpen up his mohican cut, which had started to grow out.

Olly catches sight of Dylan talking with Mairie, and takes us over to listen in.

“You’ll be fine!” she’s telling him.

“I don’t know if I’m going to try the flip or not!” he says.

“Just do what feels right when you get there!” she advises. “But, you can definitely nail it, so I’d love to see you do it up there!”

“Last minute nerves?” Olly asks.

“Kind of!” Dylan admits.

The dance music that has been playing in the background comes to an end, and we hear a muffled voice encouraging the crowd to “give it up” for the dance troupe that has been performing.

“Okay,” Mairie calls to the boys, “you’re up next! Good luck, everyone, and show ’em what you got!”

“Bangin’!” yells Matt, geeing himself and everyone else up.

After another muffled announcement, the boys climb the steps at the side of the stage.

We switch shots, to get a standard front-on view of the action onstage, as the boys take up their starting positions: Matt and Dylan centre-front, with Bradley and Keenan behind and wider apart.

Wiz Khalifa’s ‘We Dem Boyz’ begins, and the boys start their routine: a couple of Pops are followed by a jump to their left and two Locks, before they do a 360-degree spin and throw in two more Pops; a jump back to their right is followed by two more Locks and another 360 spin. As Keenan and Bradley begin the same sequence once more, Dylan and Matt drop to the floor, and roll over on their arms and legs; all four do the 360 spin together, the back two standing and the front two still on the floor, before the movements are repeated; one more 360 is the cue for Matt and Dylan to stand once more. Keenan and Bradley come forward, so that the four are in a line, and they send a wave of Body Waves down the line and back again, twice. As Matt and Dylan pop, Keenan and Bradley move back, and the four arrange themselves into a square. Matt locks, ending it by pointing at Keenan, who is next to him in the square; Keenan takes his cue and does a Lock, sending it on to Bradley. The Lock travels round the square back to Matt, who then sends it back round the other way. Once it returns to Matt again, they switch to their next moves: Matt drops to his hands and feet, and does a couple of foot-crossovers, before springing back up, glaring at Bradley, who is at the opposite corner of the square; Keenan and Dylan, in the other two opposite corners, immediately drop to their hands and feet, and perform the same moves as Matt; once they are back up, Matt and Bradley drop and repeat, and then so do Dylan and Keenan. Obviously, Bradley forgot or missed his cue the first time! They spread themselves back out, returning to their original formation, and repeat the first part of their routine, with the twist that the spins this time are 180 degrees rather than the full 360. They move back into a straight line, and Keenan, at one end, locks towards Dylan, who sends the Lock onwards until it reaches Bradley at the other end of the line. They hold that position for a few seconds, until they hear the music change abruptly.

As Naughty By Nature’s ‘Hip Hop Hooray’ is heard over the sound system, Keenan and Bradley move to either side of the stage, allowing Dylan and Matt space in the middle. This is the freestyle part of their routine. Bradley and Keenan continue to pop, lock and body-wave, as the mood takes them, knowing that they are on the periphery for now; it is Dylan and Matt who are going to get the crowd’s attention. The two centre-stage begin by facing each other and doing the Running Man dance; as Matt backs away and begins body-waving, Dylan squats down with his hands on the floor and introduces us to the Helicopter; after four or five rotations, he stops, steadies himself, and then back-flips into a standing position. Taking that as his cue, Matt pops his arms above his head, locks them in place, and drops into a squat position; he then rotates his shoulders to bring his arms down in a fluid motion, placing his hands on the floor. In very quick movements, he lifts first his left leg and right arm, and then his right leg and left arm, repeating these combinations in a flurry of limbs. When he’s done enough of that, he puts all hands and feet on the floor, and springs up to stand again. Dylan immediately drops to the floor, spins himself around and lays on his back, continuing to spin until he stops, backflips, and stands. This is the cue for Keenan and Bradley to join Matt and Dylan once more.

The music again abruptly changes, and a loud and deep electronic voice bellows “Tsunami”. The thumping beat of the track by DVBBS is the accompaniment to the routine’s big finish that Mairie has choreographed. Matt and Dylan drop to a low squat position, and Keenan and Bradley leapfrog over them, with hands springing off of shoulders, before also dropping to the floor. All four place hands and feet on the floor, extending themselves lengthways, facing upwards; they lift one hand and foot, and pivot on the others to end up facing downwards; pivoting on their other hand and foot, they continue their roll to end facing upwards once more. They then roll back the other way, before springing to their feet; but, unfortunately, Keenan misses his footing and falls flat on his back. The others pause, uncertain whether to carry on or wait for him to recover. Matt takes charge, continuing the routine with a 360 spin, and Bradley follows suit. Dylan doesn’t spin, but picks up the routine from the next point: the three of them leap upwards, with one arm up and in front of them, and the other down and behind; then they swap arms and leap again, by which time, Keenan is up and ready to resume. Another 360 spin is followed by exaggerated steps that bring the four dancers into a straight line. Keenan and Dylan, on the left of the line, turn and face each other, as do Bradley and Matt, on the right. They then leap towards each other, chest bumping their partner, before landing and spinning 180; the two middle dancers, Dylan and Matt, then chest bump each other, and everyone spins 180 again; the two-pair chest-bumps are repeated, and everyone turns to face forwards. As the word “Tsunami!” is bellowed once more, they drop in turn, sending a wave along the line. Silence follows and they hold their position for a moment, as the crowd whoops and whistles their approval. Breathing hard, the four lads stand and acknowledge the applause, and then walk offstage and down the steps.

Mairie is there, waiting to congratulate them, as we go backstage once more. “Fantastic!” she bubbles. “You were brilliant! That was really, really good!”

“I cocked up!” Bradley admits.

“It doesn’t matter!” Mairie tells him. “You recovered, and so did Keenan, when he slipped. That was impressive!”

“That was awesome!” Matt exclaims, grinning widely. “I’m having that!”

“Magic!” Dylan agrees. “That’s my moves at the club sorted!”

Olly turns and says into camera, “Beat that, girls!”

Back in the studio, Trixie and Joe are looking impressed. Before they comment, though, Trixie cries, “Ladies and gentlemen, give them a fantastic welcome, … the boys!”

The four lads walk on, to a rousing reception, with Matt giving us another ‘hang-loose’ sign, and Keenan pumping his fist above his head. Mairie and Olly accompany them.

“Boys, that was something else!” Joe enthuses. “You must be happy with that!”

“Oh definitely,” Dylan says, “the whole thing was so cool!”

“It went better than we could have hoped for,” Keenan adds, “and it’s all thanks to this woman here!” He grabs Mairie’s arm and drags her closer.

Trixie takes up the cue. “Mairie,” she says, “they were wonderful, weren’t they!?”

“They did everything I asked and then some!” Mairie tells her. “They were a joy to work with! I had a real blast all week!”

“Well, it’s time to see what our Dare Attempt Performance Analysts make of it,” states Trixie.

“Yeah, come on DAPAs, let’s see how down with the kids you are!” Joe challenges them.

Dan throws his hands in front of him, his fingers splayed in a classic rap pose, whilst Danielle remains completely unmoved, as usual. When it comes to the scores, however, she is equally as impressed by the boys’ performance as Dan is: both of them award 8 points, giving the boys a total of 16.

“Well,” Joe remarks, “that’s set a pretty tough target!”

“Can the girls rise to the challenge?” Trixie wonders. “Join us, after the break, to find out! Don’t go anywhere!”

“God, they were really good!” Lissie exclaims. “Especially Dylan and Matt!”

“Considering none of them has ever done it before!” Maddie adds.

“Yeah!” Lissie agrees. “Dad, were the girls that good?”

Their dad raises his eyebrows, but his lips remain firmly sealed.

[alli55]

Lissie’s phone pings to alert her to an incoming message, which she checks immediately. “Oh, wow!” she exclaims. “Luisa has already got her Mam to email the person about the cheerleading classes!”

“Blimey, she is keen!” I remark.

“Yeah!” Lissie agrees. “I’m a bit surprised, because she hates it when we do dancing at school!”

“Yeah, but the dancing that you do at school is crap!” Maddie reminds her. “Cheerleading won’t be anything like that! It looks way better!”

“Why don’t you go, then?” Lissie asks her.

“I would, but there’s no point, is there?! Not if I’m going to Uni in a few months!”

“So, Lissie,” I ask, “do you want to go with Luisa?”

“Maybe!” she says, seeming to be uncertain. “I’ll wait to see what the others say!” she decides.

“Hello again!” says Trixie, as we return from the latest set of adverts. “You’re watching Britain’s Most Daring’s Battle Of The Sexes Dance Special, and it’s strictly not Strictly!”

“Before the break, we saw the boys laying down some proper moves for the Peterborough massive!” Joe reminds us. “And mighty impressive they were too!”

“Yes, they were!” Trixie confirms. “They’ve set a really high standard, and their score of 16 is going to be a tough one to beat!”

“But that’s what the girls are going to have to do, if they’re going to avoid this week’s Live Dare-Off!” Joe points out.

“They were at Wembley Stadium earlier today, at the F.A. Cup Final between Chelsea and Arsenal,” continues Trixie, “taking part in the pre-match entertainment.”

“So, it’s over to wor very own sports correspondent, the woman with her finger on the pulse of all the top footballers, wor Aleks!” Joe smirks.

“Hello, everyone!” Aleksandra greets us, looking as enticing as ever in a figure-hugging, black catsuit, with a daring low-cut front that reveals quite a bit of her cleavage. “I’m back here at wonderful Wembley Stadium, where Britain’s Most Daring’s daredevils are going to entertain the crowd once more!” Aleksandra is in the tunnel area, with a view, behind her, of the pitch and a section of the crowd. “I’m down here, with the girls, as Lorna gives them some last-minute instructions,” she tells us.

The camera pans round, revealing the girls in their uniforms; and ‘revealing’ is definitely the word to describe the outfits they’ve been given! In a neutral purple colour, their sleeveless crop-tops just about come down far enough to cover the sports bras they will, no doubt, be wearing underneath. Their matching purple skirts start at the waist, and end less than halfway down their thighs; they are wearing bundies, also in matching purple, underneath their skirts. There is certainly plenty of bare skin on display! The girls are all holding their pom-poms: Eilidh, Ayla, and Gemma have red and white ones, for Arsenal; those of the other girls, Jaz, Mia, and Lowri, are in the blue of Chelsea.

“Okay, you know what you’re doing?” Lorna asks the girls. They nod, but she reminds them anyway. “To start with, you’re going around the pitch, with the mascots. They’ll be doing their own thing with the fans, so you can stop and do your little pom-pom routines every so often! Remember: keep it simple and keep it fun! After that, you’ve got your main routine in the centre circle, which you’ll be doing just before the teams come out. Okay? Good luck girls, and enjoy yourselves … or at least look like you’re enjoying yourselves!”

Ayla puts a hand into the air, Eilidh responds by raising her arm and pressing her hand against Ayla’s; Gemma adds her hand to the collection, and soon all six girls are linked in this way.

“Come on girls!” yells Ayla. “Let’s go! Let’s do this!”

“Wembley here we come!” cries Lowri, and the girls all shriek and whoop.

Suitably pumped up, they skip and bounce their way to the tunnel entrance, where Stamford the Lion and Gunnersaurus are waiting for them. Eilidh, Ayla, Gemma, and the Arsenal dinosaur turn right as they enter the pitch area, whilst Stamford takes Jaz, Mia, and Lowri left; each mascot heading for their club’s fans.

Taking their lead from Stamford, who waves enthusiastically to the crowd with both paws and blows kisses to the fans, the Chelsea girls raise their arms and wave their blue pom-poms around. As Stamford heads towards the crowd, Jaz calls the girls to a halt, and they perform a short routine, mixing the five standard positions to create swirling patterns with their pom-poms. They keep it short, no more than thirty seconds, and hold their final position briefly, before breaking and running after Stamford.

Meanwhile, Eilidh has also got her group started on their first mini-routine, which is similar to the one we’ve just seen. When they finish, Gunnersaurus applauds enthusiastically, and encourages the nearest section of the crowd to do likewise. The three girls and the dinosaur then move on to the next part of the crowd. At the point that Eilidh decides it’s time for another short routine, the girls are slightly perturbed to find Gunnersaurus preparing to join in. The mascot attaches himself to one end of their line, and attempts to copy their movements, with predictably chaotic results. Stoically, the girls ignore him, and perform their routine, with pom-poms whirling away, as the dinosaur on the end waves his arms around frantically. At the end of the routine, Gunnersaurus backs away slightly and bows to the girls.

Jaz, Mia, and Lowri have no such distractions, as Stamford is concentrating solely on the fans. Once they finish their latest mini-routine, Lowri decides she’s going to have some fun with the Chelsea mascot. She runs towards him and, when she’s close enough, launches herself onto his back. Poor Stamford doesn’t know what’s hit him, and he stumbles and falls to the ground, with Lowri spread-eagled on top of him. She rolls off, and as the lion picks himself up, he checks to see what has caused his predicament. Lowri shakes her pom-poms in his face and scampers out of reach of his paws.

With Gunnersaurus safely out of the way, having decided to take penalties against Arsenal’s reserve goalkeeper, the girls perform a more complicated routine that involves them repeatedly swapping places with each other in the line as they throw their arms around. Amazingly, they only collide once, when Ayla and Gemma try to pass each other on the same side.

At the other end of the stadium, Stamford has been roped in to the next routine, which is being performed by Jaz and Mia standing up, and Lowri sat on the lion’s shoulders. They perform the simplest routine, but the added height that Lowri can throw her arms to gives it a distinctive twist. She throws herself around fearlessly, with Stamford holding her legs in his paws.

If Stamford has his paws full with Lowri, then Eilidh, Ayla, and Gemma are having almost as much trouble with an excitable dinosaur that seems determined to grab a set of pom-poms from someone. He finally catches Gemma unawares and manages to snatch her red pom-pom, which he uses to start his own impromptu routine. Sensing an opportunity for a bit of fun, Eilidh gives Gunnersaurus her white pom-pom. She then gets the girls to surround the dinosaur, with Ayla in front and the other two on either side of him. They perform a few simple moves, that the Arsenal mascot has half-a-chance of following, which he does, to the best of his ability. When Eilidh calls the routine to a halt, Gunnersaurus launches his pom-poms into the air, and grabs the girls on either side and pulls them to him. The camera pans round to show the fans lapping it up!

We cut to a shot of Aleksandra, pitch-side, who tells us, “We are nearly ready for the girls’ big routine. They are just getting into position in the middle of the pitch, and Lorna has told me that we are in for a big surprise! I can’t wait!”

The girls are in the centre circle, arranged in a hexagon, as the Wembley announcer introduces them to the crowd. “Alright, Wembley,” he enthuses, “are you ready to be entertained?” After pausing for a moderately enthusiastic response from the crowd, he continues, “Here, today, just for you, we have a one-off, never-to-be-repeated performance by the girls from Channel 4’s exciting gameshow, Britain’s Most Daring. So, give a big Wembley welcome to the BMD Cheerleaders!”

As the opening strains of Lady Gaga’s ‘The Edge Of Glory’ waft around the stadium, the girls sink to their knees and allow their backsides to rest on their heels. They raise their arms above their heads, and sway them from side to side. The leftmost and rightmost girls, as we look at them, Ayla and Gemma, stand and lunge; the back two, Mia and Lowri, stand and move towards the bases, ready to spot; Eilidh and Jaz stand and spin, before skipping round the outside of the bases to assume their position next to them. The two most accomplished cheerleaders step onto their bases’ thighs, stand up straight and each swing a leg over the shoulders of their base, before swinging their other leg up. It leaves them sitting on the shoulders of their base, and, with Mia and Lowri holding their waists, they adopt a high-v, before switching to a touchdown via t-mo.

After dismounting, the girls re-arrange themselves so that Eilidh and Mia act as the bases for the other girls, in turn, to thigh stand and high-v. They follow this with a sequence of skips and jumps that sees the girls move around each other in a figure of 8, before they settle, readying themselves for their next stunt. With Eilidh and Jaz as bases this time, and Ayla and Mia spotting, Gemma and Lowri do a step-up onto Eilidh and Jaz respectively. They look to each other, and each stretch an arm out so that they can grab each other’s hand. With their free arms stretched out the other way, the overall effect is that of a large W, for Wembley, which they hold for a moment, before letting go and dismounting.

Positioning themselves in a straight line, they send a star-shape down the line and back again, which they follow with a Mexican Wave. Their next stunt is the Elevator, that we saw them trying out earlier in the show: Gemma and Jaz are the bases and Ayla spots, as Lowri and Mia throw a few high-v’s and low-v’s for decorative effect; Eilidh steps up and executes a neat Elevator, matching the positions of Mia and Lowri while she’s up there, before performing a neat pop-down dismount. Mia and Lowri then shoulder-sit on Jaz and Ayla, who, with Gemma and Eilidh spotting carefully, slowly spin through 360 degrees before allowing Mia and Lowri to dismount.

After a bit more skipping, leaping, and spinning, the girls reach the big finish. Mia and Jaz step away slightly, as the other four group together. With knees bent, Gemma, Eilidh, and Ayla link their hands, grabbing each other’s wrists, to create a kind of basket effect, whilst Lowri stands ready. Jaz skips over to the group, and, with Lowri spotting her, she puts a foot into the basket at the same time as supporting herself with her hands on the shoulders of Gemma and Eilidh. Once in place, she brings her other foot into the basket, and the bases dip down further, as Lowri holds Jaz’s backside, helping support her. The bases then rapidly lift themselves up and propel Jaz into the air, throwing her over two metres above their heads. She does the splits and touches her toes with her hands, before bringing her feet back together as she begins to fall back. The four girls underneath catch her and dip down with her momentum, tipping her forwards out of their cradle and allowing her to stand in front of them. The four of them kneel and point at Jaz, who raises her arms and holds as the music finishes. There is an enormous cheer from the crowd, and thunderous applause accompanies the announcer’s exhortation: “Give it up for the BMD Cheerleaders!”

“That was amazing!” Aleksandra tells Lorna. “What an incredible finish!”

“I told you we had a surprise up our sleeve!” Lorna reminds her. “And they executed it beautifully! I’m so proud!”

The girls reach the two presenters, and excitedly mill around.

“Well done, girls!” Lorna congratulates them. “You were brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!”

Aleksandra calls Jaz over. “Jaz,” she says, “that was so incredible! How did it feel to be flying like that?”

“I loved it!” Jaz grins. “It was always my favourite part of cheerleading, when I was younger. I so wanted to do it with the girls, here!”

“She kept nagging at me to let her try it until I eventually gave in!” Lorna reveals.

“Well, I can’t believe the boys can do better than that!” Aleksandra comments. “Can they Trixie?”

Back in the studio, Trixie holds her hands up, not wanting to get involved. She simply says, “Let’s bring on our Cheerleaders! Everyone, give them a massive welcome, … the girls!”

The five daredevils, with Lowri and Lorna, skip their way across the studio, and join Trixie and Joe. The girls, including Lowri, are still wearing their uniforms

“Girls, what can I say, and where do I look?!” Joe grins. “You’ve just created another Britain’s Most Daring magic moment!” The girls giggle, as he continues, “Seriously, though, that last stunt, was something else! What did you think when Jaz suggested you send her flying like that?”

“As soon as she told us her idea, we were like, yeah, we have to do that!” Gemma tells him.

“But Lorna was trying tae talk us out of it,” Eilidh adds, “saying how dangerous it was and how Jaz could be seriously injured if we didnae catch her.”

“I was like, yeah, I know, but I’m doing it anyway!” Jaz grins. “The feeling when you’re up in the air is like nothing else! It’s magical, really!”

“Well, it was certainly spectacular,” Trixie remarks, “but did it catch the DAPAs’ eyes? Let’s see whether it’s good enough to beat the boys!”

DAPA Dan awards the girls 9 points, and all eyes turn to his partner in crime, DAPA Danielle. Generally a stricter judge, this time she matches Dan’s 9 points, giving the girls a winning score of 18. It’s the boys who will be in the Dare-Off shortly.

As the well-deserved, enthusiastic applause begins to fade, Trixie says, “Congratulations, girls! A fantastic performance, and rightly getting a really high score! Go and have a sit down, and relax!”

“Yep, they can relax, because they’ll all be back next week!” Joe remarks. “But …”

“But,” Lowri interrupts gleefully, “the boys can’t relax, oh no! Sorry, guys, but you’ve got some more dancing to do! Isn’t that right, Trix?!”

“It certainly is,” Trixie concurs, “they’ll be going up against each other in tonight’s Live Dare-Off, right after this break! See you in a couple of minutes!”

“God, that was amazing!” Lissie remarks. “Definitely sign me up for cheerleading, Mam!” She looks at me, expectantly.

“I’m not doing it now!” I tell her. “I’ll do it after!”

“Okay!”

[alli55]

“I can see why you wouldn’t tell us what you’d seen!” Maddie says to her Dad.

“Mmm!” he replies. “I only really saw the last bit, with Jaz.”

“Well, I’m still really glad you didn’t tell us,” she adds, “’cos that would have totally spoilt it!”

“So, I’m not the mean, uncaring father after all, then?” he chides.

Maddie and Lissie exchange glances and smirks. “Of course not,” Maddie tells him, “you’re our best Dad!” The two girls snigger.

Phil has heard the girls award him this particular accolade plenty of times before – it’s one of their favourite ways of gently teasing him. He raises his eyebrows, smiles, and replies, “Aww, thanks, Maddie, you really know how to give your old man a compliment!” This only makes the girls snigger some more!

“You’re welcome, father,” Maddie says, in her best ‘proper’ voice, “isn’t that so, Melissa?!”

“Yes, it is, Madeleine, dearest!” Lissie adds, before the two of them break down in fits of giggles.

Phil throws his cushion at Maddie, whips my cushion from behind my back, and lobs that at Lissie. Maddie is caught off-guard, and takes a direct hit to her chest, but Lissie is ready for it and neatly deflects my cushion onto the floor. I reach forward and she hands it back to me, but Maddie holds on to the other cushion, denying her Dad the use of it. “Mine!” she informs him, hugging the cushion to her.

“Welcome back to this week’s Dance Special on Britain’s Most Daring!” cries Trixie.

“After two fabulous dare performances,” Joe recaps, “the girls have won the Battle Of The Sexes!”

“Which means,” Trixie points out, “that the boys will now have to go up against each other in this week’s Live Dare-Off!”

“So, boys, come and join us!” Joe instructs them, and they get up and walk over to the two presenters.

“Dylan, Matt, first time in the Dare-Off,” Trixie states. “Nervous?”

“Not really,” Dylan tells her, “I’ve just got to make sure I get through it okay!”

“Yeah, a bit,” Matt admits. “After seeing Tommy go last week, I know it only takes one mistake, and I really don’t want to leave yet! I’m having too much fun!”

“Second time in the Dare-Off for you, Keenan,” Joe reminds him, “how are you feeling?”

“I don’t want to do any more any team dares,” he declares, “this is what happens!”

“Well, Bradley, fancy seeing you here!” Trixie jokes. Bradley gives a small laugh. “Are you going to survive again?” she asks him.

“Dare-Off specialist!” Bradley replies, trying to sound more confident than he looks.

“Alright, boys,” Joe says, “let’s find out what you’re going to have to do! DD, what have you got for them?”

“In a moment, my pet,” the Dare Deliverer tells him. “First, let’s just remind ourselves who won the Battle Of The Sexes, shall we?! Boys, I’m sorry, but you have to face facts: we girls are just a cut above! We look better, smell better, sound better, feel better, taste better …”

“Taste better?” Joe checks that he’s heard right. “What d’you mean, taste better?”

“No! Don’t go there!” warns Trixie.

“Oh yes, taste better!” repeats the Dare Deliverer. “And it’s because we are better! Aren’t we girls?”

The female half of the audience whoop and shriek, and we see the daredevil girls encouraging them and joining in!

“So, my inferior humans,” she continues, demeaning the boys further, “for tonight’s Dare-Off, I’m going to let you humiliate yourselves some more. Isn’t that nice of me?! I dare you to dance for us! That’s all you have to do! My pets will tell you more about it!”

“She’s pushing her luck!” Joe declares.

“So, for our Dance Dare-Off,” Trixie explains, “we’ve mashed up a selection of songs that have well-known dance moves. All you have to do is dance to them! We want to see your best moves, and a bit of individuality and flair as well!”

“And, in case you’re not sure of the moves,” Joe adds, “wor dance instructors will help you out. So, just follow what they do, and you canna go wrong!”

“Off you go!” Trixie instructs them. “Go and take your places on the dancefloor!”

We follow the four lads, as they walk over to where Lorna and Mairie are waiting for them. The two presenters put the boys into a well-spaced line: from left to right, Keenan, Matt, Dylan, Bradley. Lorna and Mairie then take their positions in front of the boys: Lorna between Keenan and Matt; Mairie between Dylan and Bradley. This gives the boys a chance to see the moves they are supposed to be doing.

The music starts, and instantly the tone of this dance dare is set: it’s the ‘Macarena’ to start with! Everyone knows this dance, and they all begin performing the moves. They’ve turned 180 degrees by the time Lowri, inevitably, adds herself to the collection of dancers, slotting in between Lorna and Mairie. Once they’ve made it round the full 360 degrees, the music abruptly changes, and we hear the ‘Cha Cha Slide’ playing. Lorna and Mairie lead, and the rest attempt to follow, with varying degrees of success. Matt and Keenan seem to know it anyway, and Dylan picks it up fairly quickly, but Bradley has trouble keeping up. Lowri scampers off midway through, returning just before the next song-change, with Joe in tow.

Having just got used to the ‘Cha Cha Slide’, we hear a voice bellow “Gangnam Style!”, and the next dance is upon the daredevils. This one gives them the opportunity to show a bit of the individuality that Trixie asked for: Dylan really goes for it, throwing shapes with gusto; the other three are more reserved, but each provides a different interpretation of the Gangnam moves. Lowri and Joe are really getting into it, causing Mairie to have to fend off a fit of the giggles, as she continues to dance.

Next up is a chance for some synchronised arm movements, as the familiar strains of ‘YMCA’ take over. As millions across the country will testify, the challenge here is to form the correct letters at the correct time; Matt manages, Dylan largely does, but Keenan and Bradley appear to have some form of dance dyslexia! Joe, too, can’t get his arms going properly, and, at one point, somehow manages to clout Lowri’s arm, as his Y connects with her C!

Their spelling test over, the daredevils look worried when the next song encourages them to ‘Juju On That Beat’. They all pay much closer attention to Lorna and Mairie for this one, but appear to have difficulty following the moves. Matt gives up, and decides to do a bit of popping and locking from his street dance moves instead, throwing in a Body Wave for good measure. Bradley’s attempt borders on dad-dancing, and Dylan seems to be put off by the antics of Lowri and Joe: they’ve given up juju-ing, and are jiving away together instead.

The distinctive beat and melody of ‘Billie Jean’ provides the lads a chance to try moonwalking, which, it turns out, is something Dylan can do really well; almost as well, in fact, as Joe, who is a real master of the moonwalk. Matt tries, but can’t get it, whilst Keenan’s attempt is only marginally better. Bradley doesn’t bother attempting it, choosing, instead, to do a few Michael Jackson trademark twirls and body-shakes.

One further change of music brings the boys to their finale: the ‘Time Warp’. This perennial crowd favourite is pretty simple, and everyone on the dancefloor gives it their all. We cut to a shot of Olly and Trixie joining in, with their hands very much on their hips. Back on the dancefloor, Lowri’s pelvic thrusts are almost beyond belief in their dexterity, matched only by the enthusiasm with which they are performed! As the final chord holds and then fades, some very out-of-breath dancers come to a halt and try to recover.

Trixie joins Joe, Lowri, Lorna, and Mairie, and encourages the four lads to mingle into the line of presenters.

“How was that?” Trixie asks Keenan.

“I never want to do that again!” he asserts. “Never!”

“I loved your moonwalking!” Lowri tells Dylan. “Is that a party piece?”

“Kind of! I’ve been doing it since I was in primary school!”

“What did you make of the Dare-Off overall?”

“It was okay! Hopefully, I’ve done enough to survive!”

“Bradley, your YMCA’s nearly as bad as mine!” Joe laughs.

“Oh, don’t!” Bradley tells him. “I got in a right muddle with that! I hate that dance!”

“You were doing pretty good Michael Jackson moves at one point!” Joe comments.

“Thanks! It’s just a shame I can’t moonwalk without looking stupid!”

“Matt,” Trixie begins, “were you enjoying that as much as it looked like?”

“Yeah, that was alright!” he smiles. “I don’t normally do that sort of thing sober, though!”

“Do you think you’ve survived the Dare-Off?”

“I hope so!” he says. “I can’t go home! Not yet! I’m having the time of my life!”

“Well, let’s see who’s staying and who’s leaving”!” Joe says. “It’s all down to the DAPAs, so what’s it to be, D ’n’ D?”

As we watch Dan and Danielle preparing to pass judgement on the boys’ dancing, we hear Trixie say, “Okay, can we have the marks for Keenan, first, please?” The DAPAs press their keypads, and the screens above their heads reveal that Dan has awarded 6 and Danielle 5, making a total of 11 points. We see Keenan shake his head, clearly disappointed with his low score.

“Next, can we have the marks for Matt, please?” Trixie says, and we see Dan award 8 points, which is matched by Danielle. A total of 16 means Matt will be back for some more fun next week. He smiles, and wipes his forehead in a gesture of relief.

“Okay, let’s have Dylan’s marks, please!” Trixie instructs. Dan gives him 8, but Danielle awards 7, meaning Dylan falls one short of Matt’s total. 15 points, though, is enough to keep him safe.

“Finally, can we have the marks for Bradley?” Trixie requests. This is the crunch one, and both Bradley and Keenan are looking tense, as they wait for the DAPA’s verdict. Danielle’s screen is the first to reveal a score, displaying a 4, and when Dan awards just 5, we all know that his persistent Dare-Off appearances have finally caught up with Bradley.

Trixie confirms this, in her usual efficient manner: “So, a quick check of the scores sees Matt on 16, Dylan 15, Keenan 11, and Bradley on 9. That means, Bradley, we are going to have to say goodbye to you in a moment. Your time on Britain’s Most Daring has come to an end tonight, unfortunately!”

“Boys,” Joe tells the other three, “well done, you’re safe! You can go and join the girls!” Keenan, Matt, and Dylan walk over to the seats, accompanied by Lowri, Lorna, and Mairie. Joe and Trixie, meanwhile, take up their usual positions, either side of this week’s leaver.

“Bradley, you’ve survived so many Dare-Offs,” Trixie reminds him, “was this just one too many?”

“Looks that way!” he acknowledges. “I’m disappointed, but I suppose it had to come!”

“How’s it been for you?”

“Yeah, it’s been good! It’s certainly pushed me and challenged me at times!”

“Before you go,” Joe interrupts, “let’s take a look at some of those challenges!”

As the montage begins, Bradley is competing with his friend Steve to see who can eat more of their raw squab pie; we then see him being fitted for an evening suit in a tailor’s fitting room; we get a brief shot of him wandering around Wookey Hole, looking disconsolate; then he’s arguing with Mia in a car park; we next see him, with Lowri, Dylan, and a crowd of people, doing the Hokey Cokey; then he photobombs a young boy being photographed building sandcastles, by his Mum; Bradley’s disastrous attempt at frying ants sees him sucking his burnt fingers as the ants make good their escape from the frying pan; he is no happier toying with a dish full of eyeballs, nor arguing with Olly on the beach, watched by his wife and young daughter; we then see Mairie grab his hips and begin rotating them, trying to help him pick up the most basic street dance moves, which must have worked, because the montage finishes with a clip of the boys’ performance, where Bradley chest-bumps Matt.

“That’s Bradley, everyone!” Trixie cries, as the applause continues. Bradley pauses and looks at Trixie for confirmation that this is his cue to turn and exit. She gives him a subtle nod of her head, and he begins his walk off the show.

“And then there were eight!” states Joe.

“That means we’ve lost almost half of our daredevils who set out to become Britain’s Most Daring!” Trixie announces.

“So, the competition is really hotting up!” Joe continues.

“We’ll be back next week, with more dares for the remaining eight to perform,” Trixie declares, “so, make sure you join us for more fun and frolics on Britain’s Most Daring! See you next week!”

Trixie and Joe wave, and, as the camera pulls out and the other presenters and the daredevils come into shot, we can see that they are also waving. The credits begin to roll, and the screen fades to black behind them.

Before the credits have finished, Lissie gets up and leaves the room. She’s back a minute later, carrying her laptop, which she dumps on my lap.

“There you are,” she says, and stands, waiting expectantly, for me to respond.

“Thank you!” I tell her. I grab my phone and navigate my way to the screen that I left open on the cheerleading class website. I find the email address and, switching my attention to the laptop, fire up my email, choose compose message and type the address in. I know I could do it all on my phone, but I just don’t like the touch-screen keypad thing, preferring to type on an old-fashioned keyboard. Lissie knows this, of course, which is why she brought me her laptop!

‘Any places in the cheerleading class?’ I type into the subject box, and then begin composing the message itself. ‘Dear Amanda, I am enquiring about the cheerleading classes advertised on your website. My daughter, aged 13, is keen to start as soon as possible, so I am wondering do you have a place available? If you could email me back and let me know what we need to do, I would be most grateful. Thanks, Emma.’

As I am typing, I hear Lissie’s phone ping. There is a pause, before Lissie says, “Mam, Rayna says she wants to go, but she’s asked her Mam and her Mam’s said she can’t afford it. So, Rayna can’t go!”

I move the cursor back through the email, and amend it somewhat: ‘My daughter and her friend, aged 13, are keen … have 2 places available?’

“Tell her she can go if she wants,” I tell Lissie, “I’ll sort it out with her Mam!”

[alli55]

Just to let you know, I'm away for a long weekend, so there will be a brief pause in the posts. I'll post the next Weekly Update right after this post, and then I'll be back on Monday. If I post 'double helpings' of two parts per day, we can get back on schedule by the end of next week!!

Hope you're enjoying the story, and thanks for sticking with it - we are over halfway now!!!

[alli55]

Amanda was very prompt in her reply to my email and told us simply to come along to the class the next day. A parent or guardian would need to come with the girls the first time, but after that they could attend unaccompanied.

Persuading Rayna’s Mam was a little more tricky! When I phoned her, on Sunday morning, to tell her how much Lissie wanted Rayna to go with her, and how I thought it was an excellent idea, she repeated her assertion that she couldn’t afford to pay for Rayna to take the classes. Understandably, she didn’t want to be seen as a charity case, so I couldn’t just offer to pay, although I would have gladly done so. Instead, I came up with a compromise: Rayna could ‘earn’ the money by doing little chores for us over the weekend, at a convenient time for her. I suggested things like washing the car or mowing the lawn, things that she and Lissie could do together, to make it less arduous and a bit more fun, since the aim wasn’t to enslave Rayna and we didn’t particularly need any help anyway.

After a bit of cajoling, Rayna’s Mam okayed my proposal, and so, just after lunch last Sunday, we let the two girls loose with buckets of soapy water and a hose! Judging by the shrieks and laughter coming from the driveway, they were more than happy to undertake this particular chore! It was a good job it was a warm afternoon, as the girls got almost as wet as the car!

I downloaded the registration forms and completed them, and then set off for the dance studio, with two incredibly excited girls in the back of a nice, clean car! When we arrived, they found Luisa already there, together with her younger sister, Angelica, who, having discovered she was just old enough to be in the same class as her sister, had decided she’d like to try cheerleading as well.

Once the forms had been checked and approved, Eleanor and I watched the girls head into the main room of the studio, before we made use of the coffee machine. We sat down and began sipping our coffees, knowing we had an hour’s wait in front of us.

“Oh, I forgot to say,” Eleanor began, “thank you so much for bringing Luisa home the other day, and tell your Maddie how grateful I am for what she did, too. Luisa told me about the Twitter image, and how Maddie and Stacie looked after her and the others. She was really shocked and upset that someone could do something like that, and I think what Maddie and Stacie, and you, did kind of restored her faith in people a bit! So, thank you!”

“You’re welcome!” I told her. “To tell you the truth, I felt a bit guilty about the whole thing! If I hadn’t agreed to let them film the girls, none of it would have happened. I put the girls in the firing line, without thinking. I won’t be making that mistake again!”

“You can’t go blaming yourself for all of social media’s ills!” Eleanor insisted. “Some people on there are just sick in the head!”

“I know,” I acknowledged, “but I should have thought!”

“Well,” she mused, “maybe if it makes them more aware of the dangers online, and means they’ll be more careful how they use social media, then, maybe, some good will come from it!”

“Let’s hope so,” I agreed, “and at least Gemma’s deleted her Twitter, so there isn’t the same incentive for them to all be on it now.”

“She’s got her WhatsApp group, instead,” Eleanor informed me. “The girls are all in that, but Luisa said Gemma’s only allowing people she knows in it.”

“Oh,” I said, taken by surprise, “I didn’t know she had a WhatsApp group! Luisa obviously tells you more than my two tell me!”

“I’m lucky,” Eleanor admitted, “she still wants to share her life with me! I think it’s because she doesn’t have an older sister, like your Lissie does. Lissie probably uses Maddie as her soulmate!”

“Probably!” I nodded. Well, she could do a lot, lot worse, I reflected.

The girls thoroughly enjoyed their first cheerleading class, and Lissie and Rayna chatted excitedly about it all the way home. It sounded to me like their instructors had been quite smart and realised that the sudden influx into the class was due to Britain’s Most Daring. So, they’d made sure that they included some of the simpler moves that had been shown on the programme. Lissie and Rayna were particularly taken by the fact that they’d been allowed to try a Thigh Stand.

There were only three days of school before they broke up for half-term, with Thursday and Friday being inset days. These were, of course, the last ever “proper” days, as she called them, at school for Maddie. After half-term, the ‘A’ Level exams begin, and once they’re finally over, at the end of June, the school has organised some social activities for the leavers. But, as for actual lessons, Maddie’s now done with those. She’s been really unlucky with her exams: she only has five to do, but four of them are in one week, which just happens to be the same week as her birthday. It does mean, however, that she finishes her exams almost two weeks before some of her friends, so every cloud and all that! But, until then, it’s revision, revision, revision for Maddie. Remembering how much I hated revising, she has my sympathy; but, actually, she’s very good, much more conscientious than I ever was!

In order to help her, we’ve decided to keep any distractions to a minimum. So, we had planned to have a quiet half-term at our house, doing nothing much at all.

The exception was our reluctant Saturday afternoon trip to see Granny and Grumpy, who was on top form. This time, he was back on his favourite moan: the amount of time “young people nowadays spend fiddling with their phones”. It was Lissie who brought in on, when she heard her phone ping and made the mistake of not ignoring it.

“Oh, not you as well!” Grumpy said to her. “Young people! They’re glued to their phones! It’s ridiculous! We weren’t like it when we were young!”

“No, I don’t suppose you were!” Maddie told him, before I could stop her. “I don’t suppose the leads on the telephone were long enough!”

Oh, God! I’m a parent, get me out of here!