Meeting in real life for the first time

[Butterfly]

In the near future, I would like to see a completely new section devoted to getDare Mentorship & Education. My hopes is that this will be a section devoted to discussing important topics and answering questions that people may have, no matter their experience level is. I also think it would be a great place to share resources that may be scattered throughout getDare, as well as in other places on the internet.

In the meantime, I am going to create designated threads in the advice section that will focus on one topic. Each topic will have discussion questions, as well links to any resources that I have found. People are encouraged to answer their questions, share their opinions, definitions or experiences as well as link to any resources they have found helpful. You may also ask questions relating to that topic and others can help answer them.

The only rules (other than the getDare posting rules) is that everybody be respectful to others. No personal attacks will be tolerated.

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TOPIC: Meeting online friends in real life

In this thread we will discuss the steps to take when meeting somebody who you have met online, in real life.

Have you met somebody in real life?

What made you decide to meet them in real life?

What was your experience like? Is there anything you would do differently?

What are some safety precautions you should take when meeting a stranger in real life?

What can you do to make it easier to meet somebody in real life for the first time?

[Butterfly]

As a lot of people know, I met my Dom/Husband right here on getDare. We spent three months in a D/s relationship over kik, skype, phone calls and text messaging before we decided it was time to meet in person. We lived on opposites side of the country, so I decided to fly across the country to spend a long weekend with him.

It was very scary! I thought I was going to throw up or pass out. It was nerve wracking to say the least. Part of my concerns were anxieties over him not liking me as much once he saw me in person. But some of my concerns had to do with safety as well.

After three months of talking on the phone for 8+ hours a day, I was pretty confident that Mr. Devious was who he said he was. However, I still took some precautions to make sure that I would stay safe on my trip:

*I already had his phone number and his address as we had shared phone calls and sent and received mail.

*I asked him for a photo of his truck (and it clearly showed the license plate).

*Since I was travelling to see him and it was unfamiliar territory, I booked the hotels in my name and with my credit card. That way if I needed to, I could kick him out and have a safe place to stay until I flew home.

*I had a collection of vanilla photos of him.

*I provided my mom and a close friend with his full name, license plate and vehicle information, his photo and contact information, and my flight and hotel information.

*I set up one designated time per day (including 30 minutes after I landed) where I needed to call or text my friend with a special code word in order to let her know I was ok.

*I made sure I had an emergency credit card in case I needed to change my flight, find transportation etc.

*I did not let him tie me up completely until our last day.

On top of all of the safety things that I set up prior to leaving, Mr. Devious and I also talked A LOT about the expectations that we would have going in.

We discussed whether we would be engaging in kink. We discussed safewords. We discussed whether we would have intercourse and what we would be using to keep us safe while engaging in intercourse and other sexual activities if they were going to happen.

We talked a lot! For days and weeks before our trip.

The trip was amazing!!! I couldn't have asked for it to go any better.

The one thing I do want to mention is what happened after I left.

I had a major drop. I was so sad to leave him. It was so incredibly hard, harder than I ever thought possible. I didn't think that it would be nearly that hard. It was as though I felt empty afterwards. And I almost regretted meeting him because going back to just talking on the phone and playing through skype was a let down compared to being together in person. I don't think anything could have prepared me for that feeling, but I just had to mention it.

[nnrrgy]

If you're traveling internationally, make a note of where your country's embassy/consulate is.

Book 1 night at a hotel incase things do go wrong (you could always look for a hotel after, but if you're traveling to a popular tourist destination there's a good chance many of the good value hotels won't have rooms and you'll be stuck with the expensive rooms/hostels.

I'd recommend using public transport instead of getting in their car (can't do much if the place has poor transport links.). This applies to taxi's too - if things didn't go to well and you're devastated/angry you may feel like jumping into a cab and having them take you to your hotel. Some countries have very poorly regulated taxi services, and you really don't want to get into them unless you speak the language well.

If things went badly, try to just enjoy the place you're in. I had one bad experience and after seeing the prices for flights back within the next 14 days (~$4-5k) I couchsurfed and just spent my time there as best as I could.

[SeaFlower]

It's always good to take precautions. However in real life we often interact with people we know much less about just because they are "real", we've met in person. Real bdsm lacks for years in my real life because it's not easy to find people I trust/want for this and I'd feel more comfortable with someone I've got to know really well from here. Butterfly's case might be an ideal and quite rare one but I find it the natural way of things to develop.

[IceMaiden]

I have met three people off gD but AM was the only one I travelled to and had to take more steps to make sure I was safe. We spoke about if for quite a while before we went ahead with it and we had been together over a year before we did, speaking every day for at least 10 hours a day.

I was so freaking nervous when my train pulled in!!! He actually called me to see where I was and I told him I am hiding round the corner smoking! I felt sick and anxious and I was visibly shaking and I wanted to throw up, run away and hide all at once! The entire train ride down to him I was thinking oh my god what if he doesn't like me in person, what if he hates me?! And when I finally popped up from round the corner and walked over to him I thought I might collapse my legs were shaking so much.

Some safety precautions I took were:

*I had to message my cousin every morning and night with a codeword so she knew I was safe.

*I turned on location services on facebook so my cousin could see where I was when I sent her the codeword and any other time she wanted to check. AM only recently found out what the codeword was, after a year since it was used. It will be a different one next time.

*My mother knew the hotel I was staying at, when I was due to arrive there and back home and I was to call or text daily to let her know everything was going okay.

*AM booked the hotel but secured it with my debit card. I didn't worry too much over this as I was staying there and AM was staying at home overnight. Butterfly's tip about this is a good one if you both plan to stay there at all times.

*My mother knew his full address. This will be a surprise to AM as I never mentioned that until now. But if he was going to murder me, he was going to jail!

*My cousin had his number, which she deleted as soon as I got home. This will also be a surprise to AM.


My experience was amazing I wish we had the financial means to do it every week!!! I wont go into too much detail here as both AM and I blogged about it quite a lot at the time. What I wasn't prepared for was how much it would hurt going back to skype, cam and calls from in person. That truly sucked donkey balls. I knew it wouldn't be the same of course but I didn't expect it to be THAT different.

If you are planning to meet someone for the first time I would say make sure you tell someone where you are going, who with, when you will be home. Share with at least one person what information you can such as phone numbers, pictures, location etc. Agree on a codeword you need to send either at set times or a minimum number of times. It's too easy for someone to pretend to be you and message "I'm okay!" with your phone which is why a codeword works better. Don't rush into it!! It's exciting and scary and new and normal to want it to happen fast but use your head and common sense before your heart.

[Butterfly]

I also wanted to provide some insight on meeting people who live closer to you, thus not needing to travel:

* Meet in a public place. Choose somewhere that has a lot of people who would pay attention if you were showing signs of distress. It would also be helpful if it was somewhere that was familiar to you.

* If possible, take somebody with you. Or at the very least, let somebody know where you are going and when you are expected back.

* Plan to have somebody check in on you. Whether that is to make sure you are home and if not, a letter is there to provide more information, or using a codeword that must be given through text at a certain time, or plan a phonecall.

* I do not recommend playing during your first visit, but if it is a must, play safe. Have a way out. Do not do strict bondage that you cannot get out of if needed. Know where you are playing and how to get home. Make sure to have transportation arranged.

* Before playing, negotiate! Talk about safewords, limits, any possible triggers, medical conditions, talk about whether intercourse can happen and if it does, what type of safe sex precautions are you taking.

[Butterfly]

Originally Posted by IceMaiden

Don't rush into it!! It's exciting and scary and new and normal to want it to happen fast but use your head and common sense before your heart.

I think this is the best advice! I met Mr. Devious after only 3 months, but we had spent almost every day on the phone with each talking for HOURS as well as being in contact through messages throughout the day. We frequently fell asleep on the phone together. I saw photos and videos of him and his family. I really felt confident that he could not have hidden an ulterior motive for that long.

It does happen. There are bad people out there who will put the time and effort into making you feel comfortable, but a lot of the time, predators want to seal the deal in a short amount of time. That is why rushing is NOT a good idea. Taking your time, learning about them, asking questions, sharing information is all a way to weed out the bad people.

[Blue Fox]

Originally Posted by Butterfly

TOPIC: Meeting online friends in real life

In this thread we will discuss the steps to take when meeting somebody who you have met online, in real life.

Have you met somebody in real life?

What made you decide to meet them in real life?

What was your experience like? Is there anything you would do differently?

What are some safety precautions you should take when meeting a stranger in real life?

What can you do to make it easier to meet somebody in real life for the first time?

Okay, on the others, I read the whole thing... But I feel I'm actually good to just respond to this.

Have I met anyone IRL? Yes! That's actually how I met my ex-wife. I was her sub first on LINE. Then met her in person.

What made me decide to meet? I couldn't wait to meet the new mistress! She seemed so awesome. So did her mistress.

The experience was actually pretty good. I have no complaints at all about the meeting. The location was beautiful (Wisconsin). Their residence wasn't very good (in hindsight, how they maintained their place should have been a huge warning flag), but I know that circumstances can cause things to be rough on people. They *SEEMED* very nice people. And, if I'm being honest, the ex-wife is a nice person so long as you don't piss her off. She's temperamental, though. Learned that later.

Safety Precautions: I covered this in my "training" before I ever saw them. You make a safe call person!! Someone that will know who you are seeing (exchange photos), where you are going (take a picture of the meet location and send it to your safe call person) and with whom you have pre-arranged checkins. You also give that safe-call the contact information for the person you are seeing. Doing this Safe-Call protects both sides. Both sides should implement the Safe-Call procedure. You also arrange a secret code for your Safe Call to say if there's an emergency. Something that seems innocuous.

I think I covered most of it... And yes. I totally did do the safe call thing. I called my friend a couple times a day to check in. Checked in upon arriving. And when I was supposed to leave. :-)


To make it easier: Meet in a public location. Doesn't have to be anything fancy. Meet at a food joint. People love food. People talk at food joints. You meet and discuss innocent things. Get comfortable with the person. Maybe go to a still public but more private location to discuss less innocent things to make sure you really feel comfortable with the person. One place you can meet is at a munch. These are kink events anyway, so you can speak freely on kink and not feel like you're standing out. And it's public! (Or semi public)

[Hammarling]

I've never met anyone for BDSM reasons, but i have met people from the internet.

Trust, time and safety. Basically what others have said above.

Trust - Do you trust this person? If i wouldn't tell them something personal about me (something no-one but my friends/family would know) i'm not ready to meet this person. The people i've met from the internet, i've really trusted for a while before we met. They've known most of the details about me, the same as any of my real life friends i'd go and meet.

Time - How long have you know them? And i don't mean when did you first message someone. But how much do you interact? There's online friends i've known for years, but we only exchange a message once everyone month or so. Despite knowing them for years i wouldn't meet them. But i've got friends i've only known online for a couple of months, but we talked every single day and i really felt like i knew them.

Safety - You'd think it's obvious, but just look at the news and you realise some people don't have common sense.
Make your first meeting somewhere public, like properly public. Not an alley behind a restaurant public, but in the restaurant public. I've taken this to an extreme and met people at sporting events where there are thousands of people, but i knew i was safe.
Tell someone you're going. Make sure someone knows where you will be, and that if there is a problem you can contact them.
Have an exit plan. Just in case they are not what they seem, have a plan to leave.
Take a real friend. Ok for bdsm this might take some explaining to a friend, but an extra person there will make you safer. If it goes well you can always leave them for some privacy.

And just really talk about it with the other person first. So you both know the plan, the timings. If you're anxious tell them, they can try and help.

Finally, if you don't want to go offline you don't have to. No-one can force you to meet up for real.

[kila]

I figured I might as well offer my input since I just recently met my Daddy about a month ago for the first time... hope it is helpful!

Fiirst off, when meeting someone, like ALL the other people here have spoken about, you MUST be safe. Safety is key and you should always be at least a little cautious prior to meeting someone. For my experience, I had been talking to my Daddy for about a year but we basically talked every day for over 9 months. Needless to say, I knew quite a lot about him and his vanilla life and he knew me very very well. And we Skyped. And shared photos. All that fun stuff. I just absolutely adore him and I decided I wanted to meet him and he wanted to meet me. We had talked about all the naughty things we wanted to do to each other and my lower lips were like, “HELL YEAH. LET’S DO IT!”

So then came the planning. So because I live at home with my parents, it was a little hard to tell them I was going to meet a stranger I met from online so I told them I was going with my friend to Vegas. Where else than Vegas for some unadulterated fun right? They were ok since they thought it was a female. LOL... but I also told my siblings and I checked in with them about every few hours so they knew I wasn’t dead.

Before coming, my Daddy made it specifically clear that he expected absolutely nothing from me and wanted me to be comfortable and relaxed meeting him. However, me being me, I nearly melted in my spot picking him up from the airport. Even though I knew him and everything, he could definitely sense how on edge I was. Maybe it was because I had a short skirt on with no panties and heels which I usually never wear. After eating a meal and being told to edge while he drove, it definitely calmed me down. I definitely was NOT forced to do anything against my will and he was extremely accommodating to my needs. Everything else was amazing but what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas~

If I could change anything, I don’t think I would. Maybe have a backup location if it didn’t work well but our trip was a total of... 6 days? I mean, our first meet was at an airport so it was public and I felt safe. I had my mail ready to go if anything happened. While nerve wracking, I wouldn’t change it for the world and I plan to be the one to travel next to him!

TL;DR: Be safe and smart. If you know them well and have the proper safety precautions set up, you should be fine. Meet at a bar maybe and have a drink to calm the nerves but here are very nice and they’re people just like you.