New Dom/Switch Advice?

smallwolf27 · 01-05-2018, 04:06 PM

Hello, everyone!

I personally am a submissive at heart, but unfortunately, so is my fiance.
I love them with all of my heart, and it turns out they're just as kinky as I am, but we both much prefer to bottom.

As the boyfriend, I stepped up to try and take a more dominant role. The problem?

I absolutely suck at being a dominant.

I've written smut filled stories and have roleplayed online with various people where I have made a pretty effective dom (or so I've been told), but fantasy is much different from reality.

When I'm in the bedroom, I don't have a spine. That feeling brings out a lot of others when I'm bottoming, but doesn't help when I'm supposed to be the big, strong man.

We've also discussed likes, dislikes, safe words, and limits, and we both know they can speak up at any time if something doesn't feel right, but I still can't shake the worry that if I mess up I could really hurt them.

Anyone have any advice for a very new dom?

sciencegal · 01-05-2018, 04:32 PM

My advice: don't focus so much on the label of being a dom. Since you've discussed your likes, limits, etc, why not just have a session. But rather than put on the air of being a D/s scene, why not explore together with you as the lead, not dom.

If for example she enjoys spanking, why not assemble a small array of spanking implements. Try a certain number of strokes on her and have her describe her reaction after each one. Try different positions too, anything you like. You will be in control, but the pressure is not there to "totally dominate her". Instead, you can get a sense for her reaction to certain things, and you can explore each kink. Then when you do go into "dom mode", you will have an idea of how she reacts. You'll notice when something is wrong, you'll sense when she isn't enjoying herself.

Explore your likes together, but try to guide her on how to do things. If you want her to use a dildo on herself, make her put on a show for you. It doesn't have to be a big grand gesture to be submission. It can be simple things, but the excitement will be there for her.

If you're worried about hurting your partner, try doing some research before your do a task. For example, there is a lot of literature on wax play. It would be wise to read up on ideal height to hold the candle, type of wax to use, allergies, sensitives, safety protocols, etc. That way when you enter the "scene", you will have at least some understanding of what you are doing. Educating yourself is a great way to put your mind at ease.

Maybe start out simple, ease into the bigger stuff. If you like bondage, try with just cuffs to start with. Try some simple ties, but keep safety scissors handy. Don't go from 0 to 60 without exploring the different steps in between.

Bottom line, go slow and don't put so much pressure on the label. There's lot of fun simple things to do that will put your partner into a submissive mindset but not put pressure on you to be a "manly dom".

Hope this helps.

01-05-2018, 04:06 PM	#1
smallwolf27 Junior Member Join Date: May 2017 Posts: 5	New Dom/Switch Advice? Hello, everyone! I personally am a submissive at heart, but unfortunately, so is my fiance. I love them with all of my heart, and it turns out they're just as kinky as I am, but we both much prefer to bottom. As the boyfriend, I stepped up to try and take a more dominant role. The problem? I absolutely suck at being a dominant. I've written smut filled stories and have roleplayed online with various people where I have made a pretty effective dom (or so I've been told), but fantasy is much different from reality. When I'm in the bedroom, I don't have a spine. That feeling brings out a lot of others when I'm bottoming, but doesn't help when I'm supposed to be the big, strong man. We've also discussed likes, dislikes, safe words, and limits, and we both know they can speak up at any time if something doesn't feel right, but I still can't shake the worry that if I mess up I could really hurt them. Anyone have any advice for a very new dom? __________________ Likes: Orgasm denial, light pain, bondage Dislikes: Anal, nipple play, ice Limits: Public, illegal, scat, blood, permanent, piercings, burning Toys: Whip, vibrating want, 6 inch dildo, 9 inch vibrating dildo, medium butt plug, cat ears and matching small plug tail, maid cafe outfit, fishnet stockings, high heels, silk rope, handcuffs, clothespins, ballgag with padlock I am FTM transgender, but still have a feminine looking body I am fine with using for dares.

01-05-2018, 04:32 PM	#2
sciencegal Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2016 Posts: 242 Blog Entries: 19	My advice: don't focus so much on the label of being a dom. Since you've discussed your likes, limits, etc, why not just have a session. But rather than put on the air of being a D/s scene, why not explore together with you as the lead, not dom. If for example she enjoys spanking, why not assemble a small array of spanking implements. Try a certain number of strokes on her and have her describe her reaction after each one. Try different positions too, anything you like. You will be in control, but the pressure is not there to "totally dominate her". Instead, you can get a sense for her reaction to certain things, and you can explore each kink. Then when you do go into "dom mode", you will have an idea of how she reacts. You'll notice when something is wrong, you'll sense when she isn't enjoying herself. Explore your likes together, but try to guide her on how to do things. If you want her to use a dildo on herself, make her put on a show for you. It doesn't have to be a big grand gesture to be submission. It can be simple things, but the excitement will be there for her. If you're worried about hurting your partner, try doing some research before your do a task. For example, there is a lot of literature on wax play. It would be wise to read up on ideal height to hold the candle, type of wax to use, allergies, sensitives, safety protocols, etc. That way when you enter the "scene", you will have at least some understanding of what you are doing. Educating yourself is a great way to put your mind at ease. Maybe start out simple, ease into the bigger stuff. If you like bondage, try with just cuffs to start with. Try some simple ties, but keep safety scissors handy. Don't go from 0 to 60 without exploring the different steps in between. Bottom line, go slow and don't put so much pressure on the label. There's lot of fun simple things to do that will put your partner into a submissive mindset but not put pressure on you to be a "manly dom". Hope this helps. __________________ 32/Lesbian/Switch Likes/Dislikes/Limits