Fiction: Her Submission (also know as 'The Damn Story')

Come-Here · 12-27-2022, 03:29 PM

Below is the start of a story I asked a new budding author to write for me. She thinks it's no good, sounds awkward and flows weirdly. I think she has potential. So I want to know what you think. If enough people respond I may be able to persuade (force) her to continue it. The power is in your hands.

Here is her submission so far...

She was nervous when she stepped through the door. She knew there was nothing wrong with her decision, it was for science, after all, just a survey. But what if someone found out, she couldn't get rid of that thought.

The man that opened the door for her was looking at her carefully. She blushed a little and the tiniest smile appeared on his face. 'Hi, I'm John, you can follow me.' She wondered if she should be here but went after him when he started walking along the hallway.

The building was located near downtown and it had a certain energy to it. It almost felt welcoming when she was walking alongside a painting.

They entered his office and he waited for her to sit down before doing so himself. They were sitting on either side of the table and there was absolute silence. She knew the research centre was respectable, she made sure to thoroughly check it out, however, she didn't know much about the man sitting across from her and it made it a little disconcerting as he was gazing at her so intently.

He seemed to be considering something before finally saying: 'We reviewed your answers and everything is looking perfect, you are a great candidate, but we have one problem, that's why we contacted you.'

'A problem?'

'Yes, you see the questionnaire you completed covered quite a few areas of interest, however since you don't have any real-life experience,' she felt her face burning up as he made a little pause at that, 'I'm afraid we cannot include all of your answers into our study, as they would not accurately represent reality.'

She didn't know what to expect coming here, the woman who had talked to her on the phone was very vague about the research itself, but the terms were clear, so she thought why not. But she certainly didn't expect to hear that.

She started tapping her fingers on her leg, thinking about what exactly he meant by what he said. He didn't seem to mind waiting, not elaborating further.

'I'm not sure if I understand why exactly I am here.'

He smirked at her. She was stunned because he didn't even try to hide it. 'I think you do. You see, my colleagues and I analysed what you sent us and we all agree you are quite the willing subject. Then I got the idea to check if you are really as willing as you seem to be on paper. You are quite intriguing and it would make for very interesting results either way.'

She looked at him with an incredulous expression. 'I'm sorry, but I don't think what you are suggesting is professional at all.'

'Based on your profile I believe that would make it more exciting for you.' She was starting to get a little wet. 'But I put a big effort into this study and I would not include anything that doesn't follow protocol. Did you read the terms?'

'Of course. I signed didn't I?'

'And were you truthful while answering the questionnaire?' Her mind wandered to the questions, she has never told anyone about her desires before, and yet she wanted to admit them to this complete stranger before her.

'Were you?' His tone made her answer without further questioning what was happening. She wanted to comply. And a simple yes was all he needed to hear before he abruptly stood up, looking down at her face, then motioning for her to get up.

'Now, I think you are wearing far too many clothes. Lose the pullover.' She hesitated. 'Would you prefer I do it?' She slowly pulled it over her head, blushing a little. 'There's no need to be embarrassed. At least not yet.'

He aproached her, they were now standing at an arm's length apart and she was wearing only a see-through bralette on top. He was looking at her eyes, while she was trying to avoid his. He eventually told her to take off her shoes and trousers.

He picked her up and placed her on his table. She was trying to push against him but he firmly held her in place.

'If you move again I won't hesitate to tie you down. Do you understand?' Her breath was a little shaky as she nodded. He hooked his fingers in her panties and slowly removed them, smiling at her when he saw they were damp. She tried to hold his gaze, but looked away after a moment.

After he threw her panties away, he grabbed her thights and slowly spread them. She was squirming, but he let that pass. As he moved to unclasp her bralette she started closing her legs together and he immediatelly pushed them open again.

'I warned you.' He opened one drawer on the side of his desk and took out some rope.....

To be continued?...

WedgieSlaveKyle · 12-30-2022, 02:41 AM

Holy balls that was hot

redtiger · 12-30-2022, 11:47 AM

An interesting premise; certainly worth pursuing. Your author friend should be strongly encouraged to continue her work.

That said, writing in 2nd person semi-omniscient is extremely difficult, tends to result in significant amounts of superfluous language, and leaves the reader unable to empathize with the main character. A slight rewrite so that we can be "inside" the main character's head rather than perched on her shoulder with access to some of her thoughts would greatly improve readers' ability to place themselves in MC's shoes.

Outside of that observation, my only complaint would be you make the same grammar errors as 99% of Americans. For example, "that" is used for nonhuman actors while "who/whom" is used for humans. The first sentence of your second paragraph should say "the man who opened the door...." I also suggest fine tuning your punctuation. Questions end in question marks even when they are a clause in a longer sentence. I note a few other errors but nitpicking is obnoxious and none of the errors is likely to knock the reader out of the story.

Overall, the syntax, grammar, and readability are superb. I sincerely hope you will continue this story. You write well; continuing to write will improve your skill significantly.

12-27-2022, 03:29 PM	#1
Come-Here Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Telegram: Come_Here_UK Posts: 126 Blog Entries: 3	Her Submission Below is the start of a story I asked a new budding author to write for me. She thinks it's no good, sounds awkward and flows weirdly. I think she has potential. So I want to know what you think. If enough people respond I may be able to persuade (force) her to continue it. The power is in your hands. Here is her submission so far... She was nervous when she stepped through the door. She knew there was nothing wrong with her decision, it was for science, after all, just a survey. But what if someone found out, she couldn't get rid of that thought. The man that opened the door for her was looking at her carefully. She blushed a little and the tiniest smile appeared on his face. 'Hi, I'm John, you can follow me.' She wondered if she should be here but went after him when he started walking along the hallway. The building was located near downtown and it had a certain energy to it. It almost felt welcoming when she was walking alongside a painting. They entered his office and he waited for her to sit down before doing so himself. They were sitting on either side of the table and there was absolute silence. She knew the research centre was respectable, she made sure to thoroughly check it out, however, she didn't know much about the man sitting across from her and it made it a little disconcerting as he was gazing at her so intently. He seemed to be considering something before finally saying: 'We reviewed your answers and everything is looking perfect, you are a great candidate, but we have one problem, that's why we contacted you.' 'A problem?' 'Yes, you see the questionnaire you completed covered quite a few areas of interest, however since you don't have any real-life experience,' she felt her face burning up as he made a little pause at that, 'I'm afraid we cannot include all of your answers into our study, as they would not accurately represent reality.' She didn't know what to expect coming here, the woman who had talked to her on the phone was very vague about the research itself, but the terms were clear, so she thought why not. But she certainly didn't expect to hear that. She started tapping her fingers on her leg, thinking about what exactly he meant by what he said. He didn't seem to mind waiting, not elaborating further. 'I'm not sure if I understand why exactly I am here.' He smirked at her. She was stunned because he didn't even try to hide it. 'I think you do. You see, my colleagues and I analysed what you sent us and we all agree you are quite the willing subject. Then I got the idea to check if you are really as willing as you seem to be on paper. You are quite intriguing and it would make for very interesting results either way.' She looked at him with an incredulous expression. 'I'm sorry, but I don't think what you are suggesting is professional at all.' 'Based on your profile I believe that would make it more exciting for you.' She was starting to get a little wet. 'But I put a big effort into this study and I would not include anything that doesn't follow protocol. Did you read the terms?' 'Of course. I signed didn't I?' 'And were you truthful while answering the questionnaire?' Her mind wandered to the questions, she has never told anyone about her desires before, and yet she wanted to admit them to this complete stranger before her. 'Were you?' His tone made her answer without further questioning what was happening. She wanted to comply. And a simple yes was all he needed to hear before he abruptly stood up, looking down at her face, then motioning for her to get up. 'Now, I think you are wearing far too many clothes. Lose the pullover.' She hesitated. 'Would you prefer I do it?' She slowly pulled it over her head, blushing a little. 'There's no need to be embarrassed. At least not yet.' He aproached her, they were now standing at an arm's length apart and she was wearing only a see-through bralette on top. He was looking at her eyes, while she was trying to avoid his. He eventually told her to take off her shoes and trousers. He picked her up and placed her on his table. She was trying to push against him but he firmly held her in place. 'If you move again I won't hesitate to tie you down. Do you understand?' Her breath was a little shaky as she nodded. He hooked his fingers in her panties and slowly removed them, smiling at her when he saw they were damp. She tried to hold his gaze, but looked away after a moment. After he threw her panties away, he grabbed her thights and slowly spread them. She was squirming, but he let that pass. As he moved to unclasp her bralette she started closing her legs together and he immediatelly pushed them open again. 'I warned you.' He opened one drawer on the side of his desk and took out some rope..... To be continued?... Last edited by Come-Here; 12-29-2022 at 11:54 AM. Reason: Typo

12-30-2022, 02:41 AM	#2
WedgieSlaveKyle Member Join Date: Jun 2022 Posts: 41	Holy balls that was hot __________________ M/22/Straight Feel Free to PM me dares Skype: Kyle Osbourne Likes: Wedgies, Humiliation, Exposure (No face), Anal (No toys), Semipublic Dislikes: Edging, Cumplay, Watersports Limits: Face, Scat, Illegal, Incest, Public

12-30-2022, 11:47 AM	#3
redtiger Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Earth Posts: 57	An interesting premise; certainly worth pursuing. Your author friend should be strongly encouraged to continue her work. That said, writing in 2nd person semi-omniscient is extremely difficult, tends to result in significant amounts of superfluous language, and leaves the reader unable to empathize with the main character. A slight rewrite so that we can be "inside" the main character's head rather than perched on her shoulder with access to some of her thoughts would greatly improve readers' ability to place themselves in MC's shoes. Outside of that observation, my only complaint would be you make the same grammar errors as 99% of Americans. For example, "that" is used for nonhuman actors while "who/whom" is used for humans. The first sentence of your second paragraph should say "the man *who* opened the door...." I also suggest fine tuning your punctuation. Questions end in question marks even when they are a clause in a longer sentence. I note a few other errors but nitpicking is obnoxious and none of the errors is likely to knock the reader out of the story. Overall, the syntax, grammar, and readability are superb. I sincerely hope you will continue this story. You write well; continuing to write will improve your skill significantly.