Not obedient girlfriend

[msesi]

Hi all.
I need some help regarding my "submissive" girlfriend.
The thing is she really likes some things (eg being spanked, tied, et cetera) and she get really submissive when I do that to her.
However, when I TRY to initiate an activity she does not like (which means, I do not initiate the activity, I just suggest it in some way), she seems to get upset and is absolutely negative about it.
Anyone willing to give some advice?
Or any ideas on how to deal with that?

[MasterMichaelNY]

Originally Posted by msesi

Hi all.
I need some help regarding my "submissive" girlfriend.
The thing is she really likes some things (eg being spanked, tied, et cetera) and she get really submissive when I do that to her.
However, when I try to initiate an activity she does not like, she seems to get upset and is absolutely negative about it.
Anyone willing to give some advice?
Or any ideas on how to deal with that?

Well give a example, of what you try to do, is it something that you like and she doesn't? If it is, you need to respect that. Now think, if she was the Dom, and forcing you to do something you didn't like, how would you act?

Just find you common kinks and play in that area, and just be happy together.

If you want to try something NEW, you have to talk it out with her, and see how see feels about it.

You don't bully girls to get your way. That's being a ass, not a Dom.

[RiskyFlame]

My advise to you is to talk to her about these activities. If she gets upset when you initiate these activities (whatever they include), then don't initiate them. Don't force her to do the activities with you.

If she says that she likes spanking and bondage, I wonder if she ever said this explicitly. If so, then this is a good first step for talking to her. Why does she like these things and would she be willing to try more?

So put otherwise, don't continue these activities unless she wants to as well. Tell her that you'd like to try some kinky stuff with her and only with her consent you can continue and try things.

[EffyRegrets]

Completely agree with Flame and Michael. The most important thing in BDSM is consent, so it's really important that you both talk and figure out what she likes and doesn't like.

Now because BDSM is about discipline and punishments, I think there is a need to distinguish between likes and dislikes, like I do in my sig, and that's what you need to do with her as well.

You'll use her likes when playing with her and having fun, but if she does something bad and you need to punish her, that's when you use her dislikes. It is important that dislikes are not pleasant, because otherwise what's the point?

So you have to find things that are not yet within her limits and she'd agree to do them, but are unpleasant for her.

Like you can see in my dislikes, drinking pee is on the list. I absolutely hate that, but I'm still willing to do it if I have to. My Master has punished me with that recently because I cummed without permission, I had to drink lots of my pee and I almost puked with every sip, it was awful and I really learned my lesson (very heavy spanking helped as well lol). I hate drinking pee but I did.

BUT, if my Master told me to eat my poo, which is one of my limits, I would't do it. And if he insisted and didn't respect that, we'd probably have to part ways. Which is what might soon happen to you.

So, tl;dr

LIKES - Funishment. What you do for fun.
DISLIKES - Punishment. When she does something bad, you have to punish her. It doesn't make any sense if the punishments are pleasant. If she's not up for that, I think BDSM is just not her thing.
LIMITS - What she won't ever do and you absolutely have to respect that.

[msesi]

Originally Posted by MasterMichaelNY

Well give a example, of what you try to do, is it something that you like and she doesn't? If it is, you need to respect that. Now think, if she was the Dom, and forcing you to do something you didn't like, how would you act?

Just find you common kinks and play in that area, and just be happy together.

If you want to try something NEW, you have to talk it out with her, and see how see feels about it.

You don't bully girls to get your way. That's being a ass, not a Dom.

I know what you are saying. But.
I am talking about new things. Things she does not really know if she likes. And I am not talking about "extreme" kinks.
And every time I ask her for something, she is always like "No". And after a short while, we do try it and she loves it.
I feel it is a shame. She can have much stronger orgasms if we try more.

[msesi]

Originally Posted by RiskyFlame

My advise to you is to talk to her about these activities. If she gets upset when you initiate these activities (whatever they include), then don't initiate them. Don't force her to do the activities with you.

If she says that she likes spanking and bondage, I wonder if she ever said this explicitly. If so, then this is a good first step for talking to her. Why does she like these things and would she be willing to try more?

So put otherwise, don't continue these activities unless she wants to as well. Tell her that you'd like to try some kinky stuff with her and only with her consent you can continue and try things.

Of course with her concept. What are you talking about?

I just do not know how to initiate talks about new activities? When? Where? Any ideas?

[msesi]

Thanks for all the info. I know already most of the stuff. Limits, non-limits et cetera.

The thing is, she is new to bdsm and -kinda- so am I. And the bigger problem is that she gets upset when we talk about sex (I am still trying to figure out why).

[MasterMichaelNY]

It's the way your phase it. "However, when I try to initiate an activity she does not like, she seems to get upset and is absolutely negative about it."

That's saying, she tried it before, she has knowledge of it. It's not saying, When I discuss doing something with her, for the first time.

[Venus11235]

It might be a good idea to have her be comfortable enough with you to talk about sex before trying anything else. Perhaps she doesn't trust you much and if you keep pressuring her with new things it will be worse.

So take your time, talk with her, keep playing with what she likes until she asked for more, and seems to want more.

[msesi]

What you are saying is what I am going to make. You are right.

[MasterMichaelNY]

Here do this, I'm sending over a kink list of all the kink there is. Now make three copys of it, and get three markers, red, yellow and green. Hand her one sheet, and you take one. With the Red Marker, mark off "THINGS YOU HAVE TRIED and will never do again" AGAIN, you had to have tried it. Once you both done, everything you marked off in red, goes on the third sheet, that will be your play sheet.

Now both of you go back to your sheet, now use the green marker, and mark off the stuff "YOU have tried, and Like" Again, have tried. Take both sheets, and were you BOTH mark something off in green, you can mark it green on the play sheet.

Now go back to your own sheet, and what ever you didn't mark, rate it from 1 to 10 on how much your want to try it. If you don't know what the kink is, you put a question mark next to it, then as the Dom of the relationship, you find out what it is, and teach her what you learn.

If somebody has a like, and the other person hasn't tried it yet. You put a green circle with the number in it. or Dom likes it, but sub hasn't tried, but ranks it as a 8 out of 10.

With the common ones that both have numbers, you add the number together, and divide by 2. If the number is above 7, it's fair to say you would both like to try it, and it will be discussed beforehand.

Now for both of you. You always discuss what's going to happen during kink play, and it would be a good idea to write it down, and sign it, why, you don't write it down, and something happens, and you get into a argument, you can always go back to the paper, and say see there it is, or I'm very sorry. But the most important part, you BOTH have to stick to what you wrote on the paper, including her, so do not become lack on that, once you do, mistakes happen.

Does this help you out,,,,,,,,,Pming you the list.

[msesi]

To be honest, no, this is not helping me.
I have thought of trying something like what you are describing, but I think it is far too "advanced" for her. She is quite inexperienced in sex, and especially with the kinky part of it and shy, and she gets upset easily. Imagine, I have never talked with her about bdsm, although we practice is together. I feel she would get really upset If I did talk about it.

[msesi]

To give you an example of her not "obeying".
She does not let me tie her in any way, unless I am fucking her with my dick while she is tied. I tied her and I wanted to play with her pussy (fingers, licking et cetera) and she was like "No".

[Venus11235]

Perhaps she isn't submissive or interested in BDSM but just want a little spike when you have sex.
If she says no, it's not her not obeying but her expressing herself, and not wanting this.
You can still ask her gently why she doesn't want to be tied when you're not having sex. Perhaps she's too shy, but whatever the reason, you need to make her feel good and capable of trusting yourself before going further.

[msesi]

Originally Posted by Venus11235

Perhaps she isn't submissive or interested in BDSM but just want a little spike when you have sex.
If she says no, it's not her not obeying but her expressing herself, and not wanting this.
You can still ask her gently why she doesn't want to be tied when you're not having sex. Perhaps she's too shy, but whatever the reason, you need to make her feel good and capable of trusting yourself before going further.

And that is what confuses me? How can I found if she into bdsm stuff or if she just likes being more submissive during sex?
What I know is that she likes being orders around during sex. I feel like her mind blocks her from trying more things.