Can you date vanilla people?

[lilith_]

What the title says I was wondering whether people here can survive in vanilla relationships.

1) Can you date vanilla people?
2) Have you opened up to them about your kinks? What happened?
3) Do you use getdare or fetlife without their knowledge?
4) Is polyamory an option for you?

[lilith_]

I used to be able to be in vanilla relationships but now I don't think I will be able to be in one. I even had to end a D/s relationship back in December because he couldn't be the type of Dom that I wanted. He was a sweet, caring Daddy but I needed a Dom to use a humiliate me
That's still what I continue to want, especially now that I really want to fully experience the D/s lifestyle. My dream would be to live with my Dom just so it will always be 24/7. I cannot function unless someone pushes me so a vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend "how I hate that word!" would be something that I am really not interested at this point of my life, even if it was a poly relationship.

[streetsweeper]

I think personally I get bored with anything if its always the same so kink is a good way of keeping things fresh for me. I guess you could have a kinky relationship without realising it in my mind anyway lol

[anoo666]

Originally Posted by lilith_

1) Can you date vanilla people?

I can of course, but i don't anymore. I just made the experience many years ago it is simply not a working option

Originally Posted by lilith_

2) Have you opened up to them about your kinks? What happened?

To some extend but i also find it not fair to use to much pressure if someone is simply not interested. I also tried the extreme open from the start version, it is still a gamble as most vanilla people will not understand what i try to explain

Originally Posted by lilith_

3) Do you use getdare or fetlife without their knowledge?

No

Originally Posted by lilith_

4) Is polyamory an option for you?

No as i cant turn off my dominant side

[lilith_]

Originally Posted by anoo666

No as i cant turn off my dominant side

May I ask what you mean by that?

[anoo666]

Originally Posted by lilith_

May I ask what you mean by that?

What i mean is that if i am together with a person, if i have sex with them, i cant not stop to want to include the domination aspect. I guess if the vanilla relationship would be platonic. But even then it is not like i can turn my dominant side off.
Poly with 2 subs would be fine, but i did assume the idea behind the question was vanilla relationship plus a sub/dom

[lilith_]

Originally Posted by anoo666

What i mean is that if i am together with a person, if i have sex with them, i cant not stop to want to include the domination aspect. I guess if the vanilla relationship would be platonic. But even then it is not like i can turn my dominant side off.
Poly with 2 subs would be fine, but i did assume the idea behind the question was vanilla relationship plus a sub/dom

I meant being in a relationship with a vanilla person and in another seperate relationship with a sub

[kurious kat]

1) Can you date vanilla people?
Dating people who don't share my kinks doesn't work well for me. I tend to feel sexually diminished by having to keep that part of myself locked away, which, in turn, decreases my erotic drive within the relationship. In my experience, it ends in long-term disappointment and unsettlement for both parties, even when love is otherwise there.

2) Have you opened up to them about your kinks? What happened?
No one has been directly judgmental, but I've gotten responses like, "that's cool, but it's not my thing." Unfortunately (see above), this doesn't necessarily work out in the end. The same applies to people who are kinky, but in ways with minimal overlap (for example: switches who want to sub to me frequently, people heavily into resistance play or orgasm denial, etc).

3) Do you use getdare or fetlife without their knowledge?
I try to be open about my need to make connections in the kink community, since even if I'm not playing with people, I feel comforted by having friends who get it. If my partner seems unhappy or uncomfortable with it, I won't tend to bring it up often, though.

4) Is polyamory an option for you?
Probably! I am extremely loyal, so I tend to attach deeply once I commit to someone, which meant I wasn't initially interested in polyamory. But in practice, dating someone with other partners doesn't seem to bother me as long as all of us are open, ethical, and respectful of other parties affected by our choices. Likewise, I can care deeply about someone, and defend their rights and interests, while still spending time with someone else for fun. While it's not always easy, I've been surprised to find it can work really well for me under the right circumstances.

[Consensus]

1) Can you date vanilla people?

I can do better than that. I ended up marrying one. I didn't know just how vanilla they were nor how not vanilla I was when I did this, so I don't know if that counts. What I can say is that it rapidly developed to a quite depressing point regarding our sexual relationship. We are now at a point where they have made it very clear that we shan't be having sex again and that the sex we have had so far was mainly to have children. It's... well, it's pretty depressing is what it is.

Our sex life has been totally vanilla. I mean totally. The least vanilla thing we've done is woman on top. Even that was a stretch and not enjoyed by my partner.

2) Have you opened up to them about your kinks? What happened?

I did. From the beginning and was shut down. When I finally got my partner to listen to just one of my kinks about three years in, keep in mind I'd told them at the beginning (and in writing!), it nearly ended the relationship in divorce. The simmering resentment effectively killed our sex life despite desultory efforts to restart it. As for the rest of my kinks, I have revealed them to my partner and they have steadfastly refused to engage. It's not their interest and they didn't want to know. That was four years ago now.

3) Do you use getdare or fetlife without their knowledge?

Yes. I can't reveal it to them, they are not interested. God knows what they think I do, they don't even believe I masturbate.

4) Is polyamory an option for you?

Kind of. I'd be more than happy for my partner to have an actual relationship in which they felt intimacy and happiness. I have encouraged them to go out and find the 'normal' relationship they say they crave and that they believe is out there waiting for them. At the moment they say they lack the emotional energy to make it happen. I no longer believe such a thing exists for me. Host of reasons, not all kink related. So, on that basis, I would say no.

[atownesq]

I'm going to go sort of the opposite of most here:

1) Can you date vanilla people? Yes, I can and do. I have a vanilla gf that I love and share a lot of common interests with, unfortunately just not kinks. Admittedly, the sex could be a lot better.

2) Have you opened up to them about your kinks? What happened? Sort of, but not in explicit detail. I don't remember the conversation explicitly, but we talked about different fantasies people have and she made it clear she would have no interest in bdsm. That being said, she actually read some messages I exchanged with a Domme some time ago and while she doesn't know all the details, she's aware that I'm into some "weird stuff." Basically she said she doesn't care as long as I don't cheat on her and she doesn't want to know about it. So she has an idea, though I don't think she's aware of the full extent.

3) Do you use getdare or fetlife without their knowledge? Yes, as far as I know she doesn't even know these sites exist.

4) Is polyamory an option for you? Yes, I have a Mistress, though it's strictly an online relationship. They fill different needs. My Mistress knows about my gf, but not vice-versa. She's also married and similarly while her husband knows she dominates men online, I don't think he's fully aware of the extent of our relationship. I do love her dearly and if she were single and local, things might be different, but as it is she is married and on another continent, so, we fulfill each other's kinky needs while our vanilla partners fulfill our in real life companionship needs. Maybe that makes us horrible people, but there it is.

[Consensus]

I'd just like to say, atownesq, that your post doesn't make you sound like a horrible person. the more I think about such things the more I suspect you may have wisdom.

Personally, I might be tempted to hint things to your gf but, as you say, that is likely to upset many apple-carts with no real goal gained apart from complete honesty. I believe Depeche Mode had things to say about that in Policy of Truth and they may well have been speaking about this very issue.

All of which is to say, I don't think you are a horrible person, rather a potentially wise one who has maximised happiness for those around you. I don't know what that says about me, but I hope it reassures you.

[ReluctantExhibition]

Originally Posted by lilith_

What the title says I was wondering whether people here can survive in vanilla relationships.

1) Can you date vanilla people?
2) Have you opened up to them about your kinks? What happened?
3) Do you use getdare or fetlife without their knowledge?
4) Is polyamory an option for you?

1) Yes
2) No I have not, though I have enough kinks that aren't super "out there" so to speak that I think they would participate without me having to explain much.
3) I didn't have getdare while I was dating, but I feel I would use it with less frequency.
4) I don't like to give a definitive "no" to something I've spent little time thinking about and haven't tried, so how about 90% sure that it is not an option.

[striker101]

1) Can you date vanilla people?
Yes

2) Have you opened up to them about your kinks? What happened?
A bit. Led to some slightly rougher sex, and some threesomes.

3) Do you use getdare or fetlife without their knowledge?
Never been in a serious enough relationship that I'd tell someone about a site like this.

4) Is polyamory an option for you?
I've had some great threesomes, and group sex is really hot. But in a serious relationship I wouldn't really consider it an option.

[useme871]

1) Can you date vanilla people?
Yes- "date" meaning, going out, having fun; dinner, the bar, drinks, that type of thing- of course.
2) Have you opened up to them about your kinks? What happened?
Not really, it does not usually come up in casual conversation, what does come up is that I tend to like things that are a bit non-traditional- then I go back to my wine.
3) Do you use getdare or fetlife without their knowledge?
I don't ask for an inventory of their web history so its never really been a topic of conversation.
4) Is polyamory an option for you?
It could be yes