Women, why aren't you a Domme or Mistress?

[NoLimitz]

So every male sub/slave knows there's a lack of female Dommes on this site, and it started to make me think "I wonder if I could encourage some more women to try being a Domme for the first time?" I mean, why wouldn't a woman want a man that does whatever she says?

So I came up with a little questionnaire that I hope gets some women fantasising about things they haven't before.

These questions are for any woman to answer, sub or undecided. Thank you.


1. Imagine you had an obedient male sub/slave, what would be your biggest turn on? (Eg. Cum control? CBT? Anal? etc.)


2. If you had an offline sub/slave, what kind of things would you make him do for you daily? (Eg. Housework? Human furniture? Ashtray? etc.)


3. Make a fantasy and incorporate a sub/slave into it.. (Eg. Having a man frog tied and made to give oral)


4. You have a slave with consensual non-consent, what's the first thing you'd want them to do for you? (In other words you can make them do anything)


5. What would turn you on more? Humiliating a man? Or torturing a man?


Now 2 slightly calmer questions to finish off.


6. Is there anything that turns you off about the idea of a male sub? (eg. Men should be strong)


7. And Finally! What is the main reason you aren't a Domme or a Mistress?


Thanks for reading! If anyone's considering giving it a go, I'm always here!

[Allykat]

1. Imagine you had an obedient male sub/slave, what would be your biggest turn on? (Eg. Cum control? CBT? Anal? etc.)
Literally nothing.

2. If you had an offline sub/slave, what kind of things would you make him do for you daily? (Eg. Housework? Human furniture? Ashtray? etc.)
Housework. I'm lazy.

3. Make a fantasy and incorporate a sub/slave into it.. (Eg. Having a man frog tied and made to give oral)
Having a man who will shut up and actually listen when I try to speak would be nice

4. You have a slave with consensual non-consent, what's the first thing you'd want them to do for you? (In other words you can make them do anything)
Leave me alone I guess.

5. What would turn you on more? Humiliating a man? Or torturing a man?
Humiliating. Even if I'm a sub I can definitely be a bitch if someone is annoying enough

Now 2 slightly calmer questions to finish off.


6. Is there anything that turns you off about the idea of a male sub? (eg. Men should be strong)
Well, the whole fact that I'm not at all dominant. Nothing against submissive men, just not for me.

7. And Finally! What is the main reason you aren't a Domme or a Mistress?
I don't enjoy it.

[AbusiveMaster]

Question 8. Why aren't you a tomato? Answer, because you are not, which is the answer to the first question also and makes as much sense.

[Gyev]

To be honest, it's like someone would ask you why are you straight. After paraphrasing the questions, would you be able to answer them if they looked like this?

1. Imagine you are homosexual, what would be your biggest turn on?

And so on...

[kurious kat]

Well, it seems a bit silly, since I've already tried "being a Domme for the first time," and it's only reinforced my understanding of why I don't identify as such - but as a thought exercise, I'm happy to share.

1. Imagine you had an obedient male sub/slave, what would be your biggest turn on?

IF I somehow took on a male sub, the turn-on would be the way he got soft and eager to please. The slight ducking of his chin as he looked shy. In short, the sense of emotional connection and impact.

2. If you had an offline sub/slave, what kind of things would you make him do for you daily?

I might not ask for anything daily, because (as I am NOT a domme) that sounds highly stressful for me to keep organized and consistently enforced!

Things a partner could do regularly that would genuinely help me include: help me plan excursions for designated blocks of free time so I don't stay too serious on weekends and forget to have fun. Do some of the dishes, laundry, and other housework so they don't pile up. Cook healthy meals and/or compile leftovers to make good work lunches. In short, I'd want him to be a good friend, or a good Dominant, depending on the moment.

Selfishly, if I were serious about a person I might enjoy having a sub offer sexual gratification regularly in some form, even though making the offer would be more important than if I chose to accept it that day. The daily offer would be a way of communicating that I was still meeting his needs, and that he had ongoing interest in our partnership (which is something I tend to do as a sub myself). There would often be times I turned them down, suggesting we play a board game or do something else together instead, but I would appreciate knowing they longed to offer me pleasure if I desired it.

3. Make a fantasy and incorporate a sub/slave into it.

My Dominant brings me into the room. I blush as he places me in my spot, then walks away. As he settles into a comfortable chair on the far side of the space, I know he can see the yearning in my eyes. But does he invite me over, or come back to me? No, he only chuckles and asks if I need something -- and since he already knows the answer, this only makes me blush more. "Well, if you do, that's what your pet is for," he answers nonchalantly, and lifts his phone so I can see the number on the screen. He wouldn't really make me entertain him by performing right in front of him, would he? And yet the more he continues to tease me, the closer I get to begging, he continues to insist that he's not a barrier to what I need. He lowers his voice and murmurs, "all you have to do is make this call, and you can have so much more than this."

I watch the look in his eyes. I think about how it would feel to give him someone else to help him toy with me, and someone else for him to toy with in front of me. I think about whether I trust my sub to still respect me if they see -- really see -- me in my true, submissive role. My resolve waivers, bobbling uncertainly. I wonder how long it will take me to give in and make the call, as I know my Dominant is exceptionally good at waiting me out. I wonder if my pet will be ok with this in general (we prenegotiated our mutual boundaries with other people of course, but the theory is always different from the live moment). I wonder if giving my sweetie a nice spanking first might help calm both of us, or if my blushing form will be enough to turn the tables and -- at least for the day -- bump me down to the bottom of this unexpected hierarchy. Could another sub enjoy the moment and the style of our play as much as I do? I put my hand up for the phone, and realize I might be about to find out.

4. You have a slave with consensual non-consent, what's the first thing you'd want them to do for you?

Wear something pretty, with lace or satin, and clean the house. The dressing up is more for them than for me, but I imagine they'd want to be pushed a little if they're asking for consensual non-consent, and a blushingly cute guy (or girl!) in frills can be really adorable.

Since I know I'm the kind of top who apologizes when someone says "ow!," I really don't like non-consent space, and I'd keep any demands to areas I felt emotionally comfortable with. Since the housework would be genuinely helpful for me, it'd be a service option for them, and easier for me to ask for than something purely arbitrary.

5. What would turn you on more? Humiliating a man? Or torturing a man?

Well, anything that makes someone stammer and blush is a sort of torment, but I wouldn't get anything out of calling someone names or suggesting they didn't have value to me. I like my partners willing and eager, and I prefer positive reinforcement to negative sanctions.

I feel like someone asking nicely to be tormented, and showing gratitude throughout the process despite it being hard for them is usually the turn-on, not the torture itself. I enjoy watching my partner get something they need.

6. Is there anything that turns you off about the idea of a male sub?

Conceptually, I think male subs are amazing (as are female subs). The women and men who find an adorable, giving, eager sub who matches their needs are absolutely blessed by the service of these self-reflective, kind, strong, and generous men (and women).

In practice, things that turn me off are men who hear you say, "No thank you" and keep pushing or trying to convince you to do their fetish with them, instead of acknowledging there might be reasons the object of their interest is reluctant to do something. There are a lot of men who identify as subs who think they want to serve, but behave in surprisingly selfish ways when it comes to acknowledging that the person THEY want to serve may not actually be aroused by their kink, might not have time to spend constructing satisfying scenarios for them, or might require ongoing connection and companionship between orgasms generated. That type of disrespect is unfortunately common, and a huge turn-off.

"No" should always be treated as a rational and reasonable answer from a fellow human being, regardless of what role you like to play, and it's distressing how often it gets ignored during early negotiations.

7. And Finally! What is the main reason you aren't a Domme or a Mistress?

Because I don't find much pleasure in it.

Honestly.

I take on a lot of responsibility in my daily life: I work hard at my day job, and I take care of my household. I do well at paying my bills. I'm perfectly capable of all of this, but while I look out for and care for my partners, the biggest gift my Dominant gives me is time away from having to work out all the logistics and decisions that I'm in charge of elsewhere.

I give my partner my trust, and in return he provides clear direction on what's needed, so that all I have to do is implement the tasks given to me. If I get stuck, I can ask for clarification, modification, or help. I can focus on my assignments without having to worry about scanning for the next issue to pop up on the horizon. I am incredibly grateful he helps me with this.

Dominants enjoy being in control, having the power to make decisions, and being able to toy with the mental or physical comfort of their subs. While certain friends are so amazing that I find myself able to enjoy momentary glimpses of that power with them, just to see how happy they are, I don't enjoy it for itself. I want space where I can be soft, sweet, and eager, without having to pretend to be mean or calculate all the social ramifications for the other person. Unlike my Dominant, I usually find constructing such scenarios exhausting, not refreshingly entertaining.

I've had sub/switch romantic partners in the past, especially early on in my D/s journey, and when it's happened I've taken responsibility for their well-being, which I take seriously. But I know from experience that I tend to find it far more stressful for me to constantly monitor what I might need, what they might need, and be in charge of making all the relevant decisions than I find it relaxing and rewarding in general. Once I realized that, I made a choice to restrict myself to relationships that offered better compatibility along the D/s dimension, and to seek out partners with complementary needs. As a result, I've become a better, happier partner with more to offer the person I'm with.

I love my submissive and switch friends and companions (both here and offline), and I want them to be with someone who can truly provide that for them. A great sub deserves someone who grows closer to them by meeting their needs, and whose own needs are compatible, rather than in conflict, with the sub's.

[NoLimitz]

Originally Posted by Gyev

To be honest, it's like someone would ask you why are you straight. After paraphrasing the questions, would you be able to answer them if they looked like this?

1. Imagine you are homosexual, what would be your biggest turn on?

And so on...

I still don't think it would be that hard, I mean if you transition your fantasies it's not too hard. I like anal. So if I was gay, I presume I would rather recieve than give. It's not meant to be taken too literally!

[NoLimitz]

Originally Posted by AbusiveMaster

Question 8. Why aren't you a tomato? Answer, because you are not, which is the answer to the first question also and makes as much sense.

*Ricky Gervais voice* Ohh you're hard! lol

[shynessincarnate]

I'm afraid I can't answer any question but the one that titled in your thread.

So...why aren't I a Domme or Mistress?

I am a submissive for the same reason that I am a woman (both by birth and by personal identification).

I am a submissive for the same reason that I am heterosexual.

I am what I am. I didn't decide to be a woman, I didn't decide to be heterosexual, I didn't decide to be submissive. I just am.

Sure I *could* in theory adopt a dominant attitude towards a man. I could pretend for a moment that I am a Dom. I know the mechanics of a D/s relationship well enough that I could fake it. But I would not enjoy one second of it. It's not because the idea of seeing a submissive man turns me off, or because I think that a man should be "strong". It's because I think that as individuals, we have to embrace who we really are and be true to ourselves.

That being said, I really, sincerely wish there were more dominant women around GD for you guys. I really do. And I wish there was even an ounce of dominance in me to be able to help you feel like you belong and help you "scratch your submissive itches" so to say. But I can't.

[Jaro]

Originally Posted by NoLimitz

So every male sub/slave knows there's a lack of female Dommes on this site

I think the reason for this is also just simply numbers.
There are way more men then women on this site.
So the chances of finding a dominant woman are slimmer even.

[Butterfly]

You can't convince somebody to be something they aren't. Why aren't you a dom? It doesn't matter what any of the other answers are, if a woman doesn't feel like a Domme, it would be like you pretending to be a hot dog ....

[Butterfly]

Originally Posted by NoLimitz

I still don't think it would be that hard, I mean if you transition your fantasies it's not too hard. I like anal. So if I was gay, I presume I would rather recieve than give. It's not meant to be taken too literally!

Why should the woman of getDare have to transition their fantasies to suit the submissive males fantasies? Why don't you shift your fantasy and look for a male dom instead?

[sir sam]

Originally Posted by Butterfly

Why should the woman of getDare have to transition their fantasies to suit the submissive males fantasies? Why don't you shift your fantasy and look for a male dom instead?

Best advice you could have had!

Still the answers given are interesting. They give insight in the motivators. I guess most subby girls really have no appetite to "be in charge", to "take the extra responsibility". On the contrast! They enjoy their kink venting as a way to "let go of the length rl responsibility ".
So,... asking someone to give-up that desire,asking someone "not to relax in subbiness" but start "working as a domme" will probably not work. In addition..... why? Subby girls will likely find a good dom (be careful, but still). What is in it for them becoming a domme? Why would "they" have something to do to make "you" happy? Why would "they" have to change while "you" have the problem?

So,... best advice you could have had!

Looking to myself, I would rather start dominating males than becoming submissive. (Not an invitation, I am very happy with my pet and I don't think I am that desperate to begin with)

Stil,... I like the thread! And especially the nice and honest replies!

[Sam~]

While I have been a little surprised by how few girls seem to enjoy being domme, one thing I would say, I think a lot do underestimate how much time and effort it takes to be a good dom(me) it's not easy if you want to do it properly. So why would you go to all that time and effort if you are not into it or getting much enjoyment out of it?

Also I don't think it's just a female issue either, the ratio of male doms to male subs does not seem much higher. (obviously there are more, just because there are far more guy's on here)

[NoLimitz]

Originally Posted by Butterfly

Why should the woman of getDare have to transition their fantasies to suit the submissive males fantasies? Why don't you shift your fantasy and look for a male dom instead?

Come on Butterfly, don't take this too literally. I wanted to make women who had never thought about being a Domme, just think for a second and see if they liked it. Not force women to be something they're not. The same way everyone has different kinks, some female dommes like feminization, others don't. So I'm not asking these questions for the subs, I'm more asking these questions more for young undecided women who haven't really given it a second thought.

My last Domme didn't know she liked being dominant till someone basically begged her to try it online, she ended up enjoying it and continued doing it after. So I don't think "homosexuality" is a fair comparison. Foreign cuisine maybe, some will straight refuse to eat. Some will try and not like, some will love it.

Anyway, thanks for the comment.

[IceMaiden]

I identify as a switch but lean much more towards submissive, so I'm going to answer the questions even though they probably aren't aimed at switches.

"I wonder if I could encourage some more women to try being a Domme for the first time?"

This never ends well. Or from what I have seen, it never has. I know of someone who pressured a friend into dominating him, despite her insistence she wasn't a domme and wasn't interested. After going on and on at her about it she agreed to give it a try if only so the user would shut up about it. Naturally, it didn't last long and it wasn't for her and then the user made her feel guilty about it, despite the fact she had always been very upfront with her "I am not a domme!!" If someone wanted to try something, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have to be encouraged/pushed/guilt tripped into it.

I mean, why wouldn't a woman want a man that does whatever she says?

Because she identifies as a submissive? Because she identifies as a slave? Because she has no interest in dominating a man? I would have thought the answer to this was pretty obvious..

1. Imagine you had an obedient male sub/slave, what would be your biggest turn on? (Eg. Cum control? CBT? Anal? etc.)

When I have had a male sub, there hasn't been a specific turn on for me. It's not about one particular kink. It's about getting to know them as a person, a friend, a submissive and then slowly pushing them and allowing them to be what/who they wish to be, whether that's with a gentle push and encouragement or a strict no nonsence approach.

2. If you had an offline sub/slave, what kind of things would you make him do for you daily? (Eg. Housework? Human furniture? Ashtray? etc.)

Housework. I'm lazy and hate cleaning.

3. Make a fantasy and incorporate a sub/slave into it.. (Eg. Having a man frog tied and made to give oral)

The fantasy that comes to my mind for this question is the following: The male sub suddenly overpowering me and taking control from me when I least expect it and can't do anything to stop it. See? I lean more towards submissive which shows with this answer. You can't turn someone into something they're not/don't want.


4. You have a slave with consensual non-consent, what's the first thing you'd want them to do for you? (In other words you can make them do anything)

I wouldn't want that much responsibility and control. CNC is something very close to what AM and I have and I honestly don't know or understand how he can take on so much responsibility for me. I trust him absolutely with it, but personally I would find it exhausting. And when you find something exhausting, you stop being as alert as you should be and that shouldn't happen ever with this type of power exchange. This question is really the same as "Why wouldn't a woman want a man that does whatever she says?" albeit phrased differently.

5. What would turn you on more? Humiliating a man? Or torturing a man?

Neither. As I said above it isn't about one particular kink for me, but getting to know someone as well as I can, understanding them better than anyone else ever can/will. That is part of the allure for me.

6. Is there anything that turns you off about the idea of a male sub? (eg. Men should be strong)

What turns me off about male subs is the ones who state they are submissive yet they get angry/resentful/lash out at females when they don't get their own way. When they turn to name calling or harrasment or flat out bullying and refuse to take no as an answer. That isn't being submissive, that is being an asshole. Submission isn't about being used, submission is about being of use. And if someone doesn't want you for whatever reason, don't turn into a raging hormanal teenager who hasn't gotten their own way. It only makes me (and I'm sure most other females) doubly sure I was right to refuse you as my submissive. The majority of male subs I have come across on this site, either those who have asked me to domme them or the ones I have only seen interact with others but never interacted with myself honestly come across as selfish to me. They state they are submissive but god forbid if things don't go their way.

7. And Finally! What is the main reason you aren't a Domme or a Mistress?

Because I enjoy submitting more. If I had to give up one or the other, it would never be submission. Sure, there may be times when I miss it a little but it would be rare and I would soon move on from that feeling.