✖✖ Ask a Leopard for Useful and Practical Advice ✖

[Leopard]

❝ So now I know how to hop to you, how do I sex you properly once I get there? ❞

By earning your way to having me wrap a collar around your throat. Then I'll lead you crawling to my bed, and ... well the rest is a secret

[Leopard]

❝ I am developing an addiction to reading this advice thread. It is amazingly brilliant and funny. How do i begin to combat this addiction? ❞

A friend once told me about this amazing cure; basically you have to find a live snake and drink its pee, a mouthful's worth for every post. May also cure colds. Or kill you. I'm not really sure.

p.s. Stay away from venomous snakes, they'll kill you too.

p.p.s. While death may cure addiction, it is never an advised course.

[Leopard]

❝ SO theres this guy I kinda like. And I messaged him and we had a fun conversation, but i said goodnight and he never messaged back. I talked to him on chat and I think he may be unhappy with me.
He's a dom, I'm a sub, and I tried dropping subtle hints on how I feel about him, but I don't know if he got them.
Help? ❞

Let's pretend to be serious for just a minute. Consider the following: He may have been looking elsewhere and missed your reply; he may have been distracted by an important family emergency; he may simply not have been interested. Also, people are stunningly dense, especially when it comes to noticing your subtle hints. Or your not so subtle hints. Or your street signs proposing to him. I suggest being more direct; tell him exactly how you feel and what you want, while surfing a crocodile across a stream of sapphires. What's the worst that could happen? He might not be interested? It's not like he's showing interest right now, right? So go for it. You have nothing to lose.

That's enough serious. So the other day I came up with the concept of elephant races in the sky. The first edition had only two competitors; one on a pink elephant and one on a purple one. The pink one's saddle had a dildo attachment. Basically the race would be set across several stages, with jelly bees buzzing with vibrators to distract the racers, flashing boobs and giggling, sections in which the elephants would have to jump through chocolate rivers and skittle showers, and all sorts of licking based punishments for falling. The final section involved a race through the beautiful shallows of a rainbow backdropped area dotted with flamingos, in which both elephant saddles vibrated and the racer that orgasmed the most times lost.

I'm thinking of expanding it.

[Leopard]

❝ My breats are too big. I want to get areduction, but nobody I know agrees. I'm 36F. Help? ❞

Clearly this is a vital battle of independence. You should be free to do whatever you want to do with your body! Damn the man, save the empire! Viva La Breastolution! Do they even make F bras? I thought it stopped at DD? If you feel they're too big for you, then you're free to turn that shrink ray on yourself.

[Leopard]

❝ I want to like to give my boyfriend head, but I really hate the taste and I always gag a lot. Is there anything he could do to make it taste better for me? And how can I get less of a gag reflex? ❞

I'm told that a great way to both improve your boy's taste as well as reduce your gag reflex is to gargle mouthwash for exactly two minutes beforehand, as well as pop a few mints in your mouth. He'll also love the increased sensations!*






* If you follow my advice I am in no way liable for his screams.

[Leopard]

❝ I can't stop consuming Rio Mints. They're so delicious, and im worried that I'm addicted. Help me ❞

Every time you go to the bathroom, pee on a few of your mints, and then eat them. If you still like them after a few days of that, start stuffing them up your ass for an hour or so before eating them. You'll be cured in no time!

[Leopard]

Originally Posted by Leopard

❝ My breats are too big. I want to get areduction, but nobody I know agrees. I'm 36F. Help? ❞

Clearly this is a vital battle of independence. You should be free to do whatever you want to do with your body! Damn the man, save the empire! Viva La Breastolution! Do they even make F bras? I thought it stopped at DD? If you feel they're too big for you, then you're free to turn that shrink ray on yourself.

❝ Oops, I meant 32A.
PS Bras go to like E in some places :/ ❞

I can see how you can typo 32A and accidentally do 36F and then say that up to E is possible. Protip: F comes after E.

But in any case; the size doesn't change my answer in any way. It's personal choice, and there is no standard "you must have boobs within these bounds or else!" Do what you feel is right for yourself, yo!

[Leopard]

❝ So this guy started up an advice thread. And I became addicted to it. And now I keep trolling him. Should I stop? ❞

You need to examine the motives behind your obsessions. Are you doing it just for selfish pleasure? To make him make effort writing more for you? Or is there some more selfless purpose behind it? Anything you do for yourself at the expense of others may be worthy of a crocodile banquet.

Also note that the guy I hired to write these replies that I post in is less than impressed with the lack of credit he's getting.

[Leopard]

❝ So last night I was playing and I came, a lot. But finally after the last cum, I started crying. It wasn't just a regular cry, it was a sob. And I couldn't stop it! I felt great afterwards, like all my emotions were out and I was relaxed and then I fell asleep.

What in the world am I supposed to do if I start crying like that with a partner? :0 ❞

I think that it's awesome that you can let all your emotions out like that. So if you do it around a partner, bitch slap him and tell him that he should learn to be as open as you, then lock his collar back up to the end of the bed.

[Leopard]

❝ I still maintain my addiction after trying the snake advice, should I write a complaint? ❞

Definitely. It's time to take action! Write that complaint letter! Fill it with every grievance your soul has ever felt. Then PM it to Leopard. Maybe I'll give you a personalised remedy, if the letter is sincere enough.

Or maybe I'll just give you a ban for wasting a moderator's time.

Do you dare find out which you will receive?!

By the way, I had some really awesome dreams last night / day. In one of them I was Batman, scouting out an ...why is Batman in the dictionary? Anyway I was scouting out a hotel, and let me tell you, 176 floors is a long way up. But I got over the whole height fears eventually on the roof and in the pool, at some point a girl had to pick out an outfit for herself/myself - was I her now? - and the hooker who'd come up originally was sent away. Then there was brawling in the lobby and I was pitched into a fight in the elevator with some guy who was trying to kill me, stabbing again and again and yet somehow I hadn't given in yet, and knew that was all that was needed... meanwhile a guy and a girl, team mates, were hand-gliding trying to land on a certain roof in the city, one of them being really reckless. Our plan to get into the conference was getting all screwed up, everything going wrong, and we were running, running.

There was also a tennis match and fuffin, some other girl, and a rl friend, various rooms choosing beds to sleep in, showering in the morning, the giant floating building I designed and all these guys doing river ride simulations to hit on girls, the copycat with the K, cold water hot water stopping water, were we showering together? Mario Kart and the incredible bullshit of the final mission and the mysterious racer that won even though I was racing faster than imaginable and making no mistake.

Before that was Rachel and the hospital and later the Mexican right by the border rooms and the cheapskate would be landlord and mum and trams and the sweet shop and a little bit of StarCraft.

I dream a lot.

[Leopard]

❝ Hi Leo
I cant afford to pay the rent, but i have turned my spare room into a sort of drum studio. I need to get extra money, but taking in a lodger would mean that I'd loose my studio, I dont want that.
What should I do to get extra money????? ❞

Clearly the only option left is to form a rock band, become famous, have mad sex with groupies, trash your room post concert, and live in a five star hotel for the rest of your life, throwing televisions from the window every so often as part of a longterm game of "get it in the swimming pool from the 50th floor".

[Leopard]

❝ My GF and I both enjoy subbing. I can quite easily switch, but she finds the transition harder, but I think she is pretty good at being dominant, and I do like it when she is :-)
How can I get her to enjoy having power over me more? ❞

If talk and communication, telling her what you like, that she's really good at it, that she makes you really happy, etc. have all failed, then there is only one answer for this case:

Enrol her in the marines. months of hardcore training, years of service. If she isn't a total baddass that will kick your wimpy ass by the time she gets back, nothing's ever going to work.

[Leopard]

❝ When i have headache i find standing up helps slightly. However im feeling tired.

If i lie down i know i wont sleep

If i stand up i will probably fall asleep

What should i do ❞

Tie yourself to a chair, sitting upright.

[Rachie]

Lots of practical advice

if only i

was hungry
loved pingu
was a vegetarian
ran with a strap on
had trouble getting a girl friend
was looking for a mistress
was asking about a man or bear or pig
was wondering about cheese - (smile)
wanted to fuck you hard
wanted to fix hotmail
had sore fingers
paddling in chocolate pudding
thought you were mean
had so many questions for you to list
get super heavy period flow
had a favorite silver ring
wanted to travel to Australia
wondered about being face to face with kangaroo
wanted to know how to train a dragon
wanted to be on reality tv
wante to meet hitlur
wanted dangerous snakes
wondered about Australia shaped X
am size 10 and think i am fat
wondered what to do becuase im in love with you
wondered where you live
wanted to talk to a guy i know but dont speek to
wanted to jump to Australia for sex
wanted to know how to sex you
have an addiction to you
was nnoyed about someone not saying goodnight
have big breasts
want to learn how to give my bf head
consume rio mints
keep trolling a guys advice thread wonder if should stop
cry after i cum
wonder if to write complaint after bad advice
cant afford to pay the rent
enjoy subbing
Often have a bad headache
Yes can say that at least some of the above are true for myself and will be taking your advice. Can you gues which are true approx 6 - 8

ps - i only posted 1

[Leopard]

❝ what is all the ways you can get banned so i know not to do anything wrong. ❞

I phoned in a friend...

Originally Posted by BettyBoop

❝what is all the ways you can get banned so i know not to do anything wrong.❞

Betty:

Read the rules - Clickity.
Check the Ban List for reasons other people have been banned - Clickity.

Stix:

http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=29350

Ta-da