[IMHO] This is the problem with GetDare forums

[Words]

Originally Posted by iSpuds

(Dominant approaches...? Tbh one should only use a polite approach when contacting a sub for the first time...)

While I recognise this is a pansexual site, perhaps I should have said earlier that I am a male only interested in playing with other men: the gay BDSM community (within which I've many years' experience, mainly offline) tends, in my experience, to have a somewhat different set of values and customs. Even so, I normally take a very polite initial approach, but sometimes an ad by a confident male sub indicates or indeed makes blatantly clear that it is not what he wants. And, come to think of it, I've actually had more success in the past with the "more dominant" first approach - usually just a subtle difference in tone. But I'd only use it where male subs seem to want it... horses for courses.

Originally Posted by iSpuds

Actually, sometimes "No Thanks" doesn't cost nothing. As a female switch I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that the risk of receiving talk-back from any Dom or sub I reject almost outweighs the merit of courtesy.

I know that does happen (because I've also experienced it from some very pushy subs!) but personally I have never given any "talk-back" - beyond something brief like "thanks anyway" - to someone who has clearly declined an offer from me, whether as a Dom or sub. I also have experience as the latter, but in whichever role I've always replied to someone who takes the trouble to write to me (beyond just "Hi" etc.)

I acknowledge talk-back may be more of a problem for females, or perhaps any of the "popular members" you mention, but whenever it's happened to me, I've just ignored or blocked them, depending on the site (I've never needed to investigate such functions on this one!) But, by ignoring someone's initial reply, isn't there an equal risk of being pestered? Maybe not; but I'm so old-fashioned that the first couple of times my ad replies met with silence, I wrote again in the genuine belief a breakdown of technology was more likely than one of courtesy.

Originally Posted by iSpuds

Also, assuming that a sub is getting 20-50 messages in a week, as many popular members of this site do, chances are you'll slip between the cracks a lot on this site. Not even movie stars will take the time to hand-write a reply letter to their biggest fan. People have priorities and one must accept that one may not be very high on another's to-do list.

I admit I've never had the good fortune to receive "20-50 messages a week", or even a month, on this or any other site, especially if we're talking about initial contacts from different people. But, popular or not, those who can find time in their busy schedules to advertise should, in my opinion, also find the time to reply to those who've formulated a considered response to their ads. (That's the only situation I'm discussing, incidentally, not unsolicited "fan" messages.)

[iSpuds]

Originally Posted by Words

[...]
I admit I've never had the good fortune to receive "20-50 messages a week", or even a month, on this or any other site, especially if we're talking about initial contacts from different people. But, popular or not, those who can find time in their busy schedules to advertise should, in my opinion, also find the time to reply to those who've formulated a considered response to their ads. (That's the only situation I'm discussing, incidentally, not unsolicited "fan" messages.)

(Don't worry, I try not to assume gender or orientation, which is why my post remained gender neutral )

Well, I'm sure you can appreciate that each sub's situation is unique. It's the same for each Dom's, and so I can't honestly say anything for certain; I don't know about your approach or the kinds of people you contact. In my personal experience (dealing with both people I've contacted and people who've contacted me), I find it extremely common that if someone has found a partner, they will cease contact on the site altogether. This is especially true for responses to ads that have been around for quite some time.

Perhaps it's to no fault of the correspondent (maybe an old ad got bumped or whatever) but, and I speak only own experience and no one else's, I rarely, rarely message back someone who has responded to my ad after a certain amount of time of already having found a partner (I mean I've been in a relationship for 8 months since my last ad and am still getting responses). Usually I'll turn down sub-par responses for up to a week. I will turn away people who send earnest and well-thought-out messages for two to three weeks before I run out of steam.

And that is just an example. There are many reasons why a person wouldn't respond. For me, work, school, and familial responsibilities alone will result in an unapologetic lack of correspondence. Sometimes, there's just something off about a person and I don't care to speak with them, whether they see something wrong or not. But that's just me. Many others have their reasons, as well.

Don't get me wrong; there are so, so many people on this site who simply do not care to extend let-down messages for no other reason than that they are not obligated to. But if you apply that thought to all people, you run the risk of becoming very bitter and others finding you unappealing or entitled (to their response).

The simple fact remains that while people could find the time to respond to those they reject, they don't have to. Many have what they feel is a good reason not to. And that's okay. Believing it's anything but okay, accusing people of lack of courtesy, will simply set you up for failure (and is a major downfall for a large number of individuals on this site).

[Words]

To avoid prolonging this and sounding tiresomely detailed, I've deleted most of this post and will just say that, while I'm sure your points are absolutely valid for you and many others on this site, I've good reasons to believe they don't apply in my case.

I'll conclude with the ironic observation that your surfeit of responses and my dearth of them invoke Oscar Wilde's famous remark: "There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."