Likes/Dislikes/Limits & Safewords

[Lightze]

Ok then. It's time for me to weigh in a bit.

Why yes, that does mean me being serious!

I'll wait for you to get over the shock...

Ok y'good?

Awesome.
Now I'm going to be talking very generally about the subjects Butterfly has asked for, as applicable to GetDare (mostly). This is not a be all and end all. This is merely intended to voice some of my thoughts that some of you, hopefully, will find helpful.

How did you learn what kinks you liked and disliked?

This is a good one.

Many of you will probably have stumbled across GD by searching the internet for something to do with a kink.

It's a common thing. You use the world wide web to expand your knowledge of something that gives you tingles in you naughty areas.

When you begin you might not even realise what your exact kinks are.

When I came here I have a vague idea of what I enjoyed looking at and participating in due to previous play partners.

Then I had a good lurk around the site and read anything that looked interesting.

Finally I decided to start a thread with the goal of exploring kinks as I knew, over-all, my views were limited.

I was very clear that I was new, this was my first thread and I was open to exploring, with the sole purpose of further populating my likes, dislikes and limits lists.

The most important parts of this discovery process? Be honest with yourself.
Take it slow. This is self discovery. It's going to be fun, and thrilling but also can be scary and quite emotional.
You do not have to be an expert straight away.

Allow yourself time to process all the new input. Also, as long as it's safe, legal and all parties are consenting, you really shouldn't worry.

What's that? You just discovered you like butt stuff? Awesome, don't panic. You are still the same person you were five seconds ago. Now you just have another way to enjoy yourself, but start with the SMALL plug.

You want to try some deep throating? Sure. Go for it. But try ONE or TWO first. Don't put yourself under the pressure of 100.

So. Kinks. Explore. Don't stress. Take it slow. Take your time. Ask for advice.

How did you decide on your limits?

Your limits are yours. They are iron clad, unbending rules, as long as you want them to be.

Anything that you are not comfortable in participating in, belongs on that list.

I'm very much a beliver of limits being non-negotiables.

Many of my limits were discovered by the self discovery thread I mentioned earlier.
I attempted the very basic levels of different dares and if it wasn't working for me, it went in a limit.

Do not force yourself to complete anything that will violate a limit, even if that limit has just made itself known to you. You won't be happy.

Cum eating? Not for me. Can't do it. Makes me gag.
It's often one that people seem to like approaching. 'Oh lightze cum and lick it up...'
'Are you sure I can't convince you to-' and so on.
The answer is no. A polite no sure, but if they continue, a hard no. It's not up for debate and neither are yours!

If and this is an if, you trust someone enough that you want them to push your limits that is, always, your choice.
If you want to turn a hard limit into a soft limit or a curiosity? It must always be your choice. Ultimately.

How do you categorize your limits?

I, personally, have three types of limits:

Never: This is the illegal stuff. The stuff that is never happening. That would ruin my life.

Makes me unhappy: This stuff is usually something that makes me uncomfortable of has a negative emotional tie. An example of this is voice recording. I won't record my voice, especially singing, as, when I sing, I sound like someone close to me who lost their ability to sing tragically. That's a thing that is not for play time.

Not My Thing: This is the kinky stuff that just doesn't get my motor running and is just unenjoyable to do for various reasons.

What is the difference between soft and hard limits?

Hard limit: A hard limit is the no-way, no-how, I do not like, I do not want, limit.

Soft Limit: A soft limit is something that, whilst it doesn't come into your scope, you don't feel so negatively about it that you may never bring it into play.

How do you communicate your likes, dislikes and limits to your partner?

Talk.
Always talk.
If you get a new play partner, talk.
I know, I know, you crazy kinksters don't wanna listen to Lightze and just wanna dive right in, but that's a mistake.

Sure, I get it, I've been there. It's play time and you just wanna have all the fun.
But you gotta talk it out. You have to sit down with clear heads and establish what you're both comfortable with.

Unless you have both developed mind reading abilities you're gonna have to talk about your limits at least.

Do you know when to stop? Traffic light system? Safe word?

Realising your partner doesn't know you hate anal, whilst you're gagged and they have their fist up your ass, is a little late.

Talk, like adults, and go into the play time informed.

What is a safeword?

A safe word is your safety net.
It is a word or phrase that you can say to make everything stop.
Yes you need one.
No, it's not for 'pussies'.
Yes, real play partners use it.
No, you shouldn't play with a partner who refuses to use safe words.

Do you use a safeword or safewords?

I actually use a duel system. 'Jingle bells' in both the word and tune form.
Why? Because you can hum the tune through a gag.
See? Even I, the great Lightze, use a safe word.

How do you decide on your safeword?

I decided it because it's not something I'd accidently say in play, it was so unusual that when it's said it stands out and because the tune is hummable through a gag.

I find knowing it's a jarring phrase, makes me feel safer.
'That was an unusual thing for him to say- OH!'

What happens if your safeword is used?

Play stops. No ifs or buts.
Your play partner then checks to see are you ok, help/aftercare/comfort you if you need it, and why the safe word was used.

This is where the trust of the Sub/Dom(me) relationship really comes into play, because it's the ceasing of play. That's where the care comes in. It's important.

Do you think a safeword is important?

Absolutely.

It's you stop button. Your safetynet.

It stops people getting hurt, it saves lives.

Have a safeword and use it when you need to!
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There you have it. Some thoughts on the subject from yours truly.