Extreme self-esteem issues/shyness

[HoodieGirl]

So let me start off by saying, Ive never had a friend in my life. Everyone I know, and I do mean everyone, has called me ugly. I used to like myself but now all I have is hatred. As a girl trapped in a boy's body I really hate my genitalia. Due to never being allowed to be myself I have been suicidal. I was locked in a crisis center a few weeks back after a failed attempt. I try so hard to be able to afford to leave my parents, to finally be me, but it seems hopeless. How can I raise my self esteem? Also due to this, I cant even look at anyone in the eyes. Not even my own reflection. I feel like I'm the most worthless person in the world, and I cant even pull off a successful escape from life. Any tips on how to raise self esteem, or even encouragement to finally kill myself would be appreciated. I feel like theres nothing to live for.