I have a lot of things I should talk about and it is easier for me to do that on a random website to a bunch of strangers. You can comment on my stuff or not, but the majority of my blog posts will be personal things that are difficult for me to talk about out loud.
The Straw that Broke My Back
Tags kinky, rants, self esteem, sinister, techie
I've had some not so fun relationships in the past. It's amazing what we keep bottled up inside of ourselves and even more amazing what finally breaks that tension.
For me, it was having an orgasm with IcyHot on my clit and then enduring the ten minutes of insane pain afterwards. I'm still not entirely sure why, but I ended up a sobbing mess. The pain wasn't too much, yes it hurt, but I've felt worse.
Sinister told me he was proud of me, I was amazing, and that I was beautiful, or more accurately, that my suffering was beautiful. And I just fucking lost it. Completely broke down and started crying.
It's happened a few times after a scene, where I pushed myself for Sinister and I didn't mess up. Now, let me just say that I tend to think I've messed up even when I haven't. Sinister told me to cum with IcyHot on my clit, and I felt like I shouldn't have so I could have stayed in denial, because he likes denial. I apologized for having an orgasm because I thought I'd messed up and should have remained denied. Even though he told me to cum. I'm absolutely ridiculous, I know.
Anyway, when I don't feel like I've messed up, for a moment or so I'm able to look at what I've done, how far I pushed and I know that my submission is beautiful. Well, I know that if I saw another sub do what I just did, I'd say it was gorgeous. And the fact that I can't say it about me is just sad.
So, this kind of realization that what I'd done was amazing and I made Sinister so proud, but I couldn't be proud of myself because I hate myself, made me burst into tears because it was just so fucking sad. I felt beautiful because I'd pushed so far, but I couldn't accept that for more than a few seconds before automatically assuming I'd fucked up and that I was hideous or fat or a terrible sub or whatever.
Like, god damn it techie, learn to fucking love yourself! Pain was a limit when I first started with Sinister. So was edging, pictures, denial, gags, bondage, lines, and a shit ton of other stuff. I have grown so much as a person, both in the bedroom and out, these last six months. And dear lord, my submission is fucking beautiful.
For me, it was having an orgasm with IcyHot on my clit and then enduring the ten minutes of insane pain afterwards. I'm still not entirely sure why, but I ended up a sobbing mess. The pain wasn't too much, yes it hurt, but I've felt worse.
Sinister told me he was proud of me, I was amazing, and that I was beautiful, or more accurately, that my suffering was beautiful. And I just fucking lost it. Completely broke down and started crying.
It's happened a few times after a scene, where I pushed myself for Sinister and I didn't mess up. Now, let me just say that I tend to think I've messed up even when I haven't. Sinister told me to cum with IcyHot on my clit, and I felt like I shouldn't have so I could have stayed in denial, because he likes denial. I apologized for having an orgasm because I thought I'd messed up and should have remained denied. Even though he told me to cum. I'm absolutely ridiculous, I know.
Anyway, when I don't feel like I've messed up, for a moment or so I'm able to look at what I've done, how far I pushed and I know that my submission is beautiful. Well, I know that if I saw another sub do what I just did, I'd say it was gorgeous. And the fact that I can't say it about me is just sad.
So, this kind of realization that what I'd done was amazing and I made Sinister so proud, but I couldn't be proud of myself because I hate myself, made me burst into tears because it was just so fucking sad. I felt beautiful because I'd pushed so far, but I couldn't accept that for more than a few seconds before automatically assuming I'd fucked up and that I was hideous or fat or a terrible sub or whatever.
Like, god damn it techie, learn to fucking love yourself! Pain was a limit when I first started with Sinister. So was edging, pictures, denial, gags, bondage, lines, and a shit ton of other stuff. I have grown so much as a person, both in the bedroom and out, these last six months. And dear lord, my submission is fucking beautiful.
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Comments
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Ok, first just let me say that you are amazing.
Now that that's out of the way, there are numerous times with Duchess where we'd have a particularly difficult (for me) play time and afterwards I would find myself apologizing to her, for no reason, just because I didn't feel like I 'did it right' or something similarly ridiculous. And, wonderful person that she is, she would always tell me how good I was, how proud she was, etc... I mention that just to let you know how much this blog reverberates with me and I can completely understand your point.
Submission to the right person is a beautiful thing, and it helps to know I'm not the only person struggling with these kinds of self image issues, thank you for sharing.Posted 01-13-2016 at 01:41 PM by pet monkey 
