A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Poly Jealousy
Posted 02-22-2020 at 08:36 PM by Butterfly
Mr. Devious and I have described our relationship as poly-ish. Even when we first started to date, we had other partners. It has been a pretty steady constant in our relationship. It is still a work in progress for us, and I think it always will be. It takes a lot of communication for us to others to have a place in our relationship.
In 5.5 years, we have only had to deal with two problems with jealousy. One was when Mr. D had a a Domme and he was denied. I felt as though it was taking away my ability to please him as his sub, and it really messed with my head. The other was when a Domme had me write his name on me and Mr. D felt a bit jealous. Both of these times we were able to talk about it and came to a solution that worked for both of us.
Until recently, our outside relationships were not romantic. They were built on a foundation of a power dynamic and I guess I would describe them as intimate friendships. There was sexual play but we were never in love with our partners.
That is why I use the term poly-ish. We are open to seeing where our relationships might go, we are open to feelings developing, but we hadn't encountered that yet ... that is .. until now ...
Last week, I had my first bout of poly jealousy.
Mr. Devious had an appointment to get a tattoo done. On the morning of the appointment, he sent me a message asking how I would feel about having something drawn by his sub, added to his tattoo.
My first reaction was a sickening feeling in my stomach. I felt like I needed to make a decision immediately and I felt ambushed and just sick at the prospect.
I wanted to scream "HELL NO". I wanted to have a fit. I wanted to tell Mr. D that I no longer wanted to be poly.
This surprised me because I am not typically the jealous type. I am usually the one who is open and accepting about these things.
It was at this moment that I realized we had shifted into being truly poly. There was more than feelings of friendship between Mr. D and his partner. And if I was being honest, I had felt similar feelings with one of my partners as well.
I could have gone haywire at this point, and to be honest, my mind went there for a short period of time. I felt hurt. I felt sad. Instead, I told Mr. D that I needed time. I needed to sort out my feelings before sharing them.
Throughout the week I struggled off and on. I never doubted Mr. D's love for me. People tell me all the time that tthey can tell just by the way he looks at me that he is madly in love with me. But knowing that this other partner was sharing a place in his heart that only belonged to me previously, was hard.
So I took the time. I worked through my feelings and then Mr. D and I talked. We talked and we talked and then we had sex and we talked some more. It wasn't easy. It wasn't comfortable. But we did it.
And it isn't solved. I am still not comfortable with him having the addition on his tattoo. But we have decided that it is a big decision and that it is a discussion we will revisit in the future.
In the meantime, we have acknowledged that we both are developing romantic feelings for our partners and we are going to focus on navigating that.
Jealousy happens, especially in poly relationships. There are a lot of moving parts, and different people and it can get messy and complicated. But communication is key. Open and honest communication is the only way to do this successfully.
In 5.5 years, we have only had to deal with two problems with jealousy. One was when Mr. D had a a Domme and he was denied. I felt as though it was taking away my ability to please him as his sub, and it really messed with my head. The other was when a Domme had me write his name on me and Mr. D felt a bit jealous. Both of these times we were able to talk about it and came to a solution that worked for both of us.
Until recently, our outside relationships were not romantic. They were built on a foundation of a power dynamic and I guess I would describe them as intimate friendships. There was sexual play but we were never in love with our partners.
That is why I use the term poly-ish. We are open to seeing where our relationships might go, we are open to feelings developing, but we hadn't encountered that yet ... that is .. until now ...
Last week, I had my first bout of poly jealousy.
Mr. Devious had an appointment to get a tattoo done. On the morning of the appointment, he sent me a message asking how I would feel about having something drawn by his sub, added to his tattoo.
My first reaction was a sickening feeling in my stomach. I felt like I needed to make a decision immediately and I felt ambushed and just sick at the prospect.
I wanted to scream "HELL NO". I wanted to have a fit. I wanted to tell Mr. D that I no longer wanted to be poly.
This surprised me because I am not typically the jealous type. I am usually the one who is open and accepting about these things.
It was at this moment that I realized we had shifted into being truly poly. There was more than feelings of friendship between Mr. D and his partner. And if I was being honest, I had felt similar feelings with one of my partners as well.
I could have gone haywire at this point, and to be honest, my mind went there for a short period of time. I felt hurt. I felt sad. Instead, I told Mr. D that I needed time. I needed to sort out my feelings before sharing them.
Throughout the week I struggled off and on. I never doubted Mr. D's love for me. People tell me all the time that tthey can tell just by the way he looks at me that he is madly in love with me. But knowing that this other partner was sharing a place in his heart that only belonged to me previously, was hard.
So I took the time. I worked through my feelings and then Mr. D and I talked. We talked and we talked and then we had sex and we talked some more. It wasn't easy. It wasn't comfortable. But we did it.
And it isn't solved. I am still not comfortable with him having the addition on his tattoo. But we have decided that it is a big decision and that it is a discussion we will revisit in the future.
In the meantime, we have acknowledged that we both are developing romantic feelings for our partners and we are going to focus on navigating that.
Jealousy happens, especially in poly relationships. There are a lot of moving parts, and different people and it can get messy and complicated. But communication is key. Open and honest communication is the only way to do this successfully.
Total Comments 2
Comments
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I have struggled with jealousy within D/s relationship's in the past. It stemmed from when a sub of mine was doing things behind my back. I am now super paranoid and I know I can be over-cautious. I am still working through this and try and take time as you did to collect my thoughts and process them before addressing them with my Partner. It doesn't always come out as intended when I do eventually have "the conversation". I guess I can come across as a little confrontational or accusational all while trying my best not to be.
I think with something like a tattoo it is permanent. It's not going to go anywhere without some serious money thrown at it and the symbolism of a permanent reminder in this way would also cause me to feel a little rejected, replaced, less loved. So I don't think your initial thought and feelings were unwarranted.
What I am learning is something you spoke about... communication. I have fantasies of including others within a dynamic and of course I wish to live these out at some point. I'm sure my partner will want similar. So long as I feel I am putting her feelings ahead of my need for the fantasy to happen and she does the same and communicates, keeps me informed and includes me in it, I know I can handle it. I think my fear, as may be with you, is what these emotions are your partner is feeling and how deep do they go. Talking about it and being open with each other has to be in place along with a shit load of trust on both parts. Trust in your partner that they are telling you the full extent of their emotional attachment to their play partner and their trust in you that when you say you're okay with something that you really are.
The priority always has to be your principle partner and their feelings otherwise it could become very messy, uncomfortable and unmanageable very quickly. Openesss, honesty and willing to sacrifice and compromise on both parts are key.
Thank you for sharing your recent experience and for being such an open book which creates thought provoking debate within the community
Posted 02-23-2020 at 09:34 AM by DeepInnerFreak 
Updated 02-23-2020 at 09:36 AM by DeepInnerFreak -
Wow! So honest and open in sharing. You have my highest respect, Butterfly.
Also, good call to ask for the time you needed, and very good in taking any time you need to completed get it straightened with your partner. By both of you.Posted 02-23-2020 at 02:11 PM by CSasha
