Maybe my first time intentionally and willingly breaking a rule in this DS...

Today I started stimulating anally with the goal of making use of my newly acquired skill as that's the only way I'm allowed to cum when I'm denied now that I am able to do it.

I tried so hard to focus on heterosexual fantasies, or even just nothing, or even aliens or robots at one point just as to avoid breaking my recent no homosexual fantasies/porn rules. I was so helplessly not excited enough by those thoughts to cum, stuck on the edge, eventually got close enough but had what felt like a frustrating ruin.

From that point all I had in mind was to cum, I couldn't think of anything else, nothing mattered anymore, and maybe for the first time I really went there and my mind said fuck the rules, I'm going to start thinking of some hot lesbian fantasies and cum to that.

Which eventually, I did, it was an amazing orgasm actually, not my best anal one, I would probably rank it as second or third best (despite the ruin that preceded which didn't make it look like things were going to be any good), so kinda worth it... besides it was also the first one I ever had with no clit stimulation and edging prior, just purely anal, and I always can't help being a little happy with new achievements.

However now I am left with the thought that I broke the rules, and for the first time I can't say I had any "excuses", it wasn't an accident, it wasn't something that escaped my control, I kind of just decided to give in to my impulses, I didn't want to control myself anymore, I wanted this and I went and got it while being fully aware that I was breaking the rules

I could have stopped soon enough, at any moment, but I kept going. I think in a way the ruin was a point of no return for me, I didn't want to stay with that frustration, I pretty much HAD to default to the thoughts that would more surely help me cum. Cumming anally is already hard enough without being stuck with only the most underwhelming options to fantasize about, which for me heterosexual fantasies are, most of the time.

And now I have to admit all of this to my Dom whenever he's online, he's going to show up all nice and caring after a long day of absence and I will only have disappointment to show, I'm so ashamed of myself now... I feel so bad that I have to tell him I did this, I think I'm more worried about what he'll think of me than the punishment that's awaiting me, I wish I could go back in time and not having initiated this masturbation session in the first place 😥