It has been over a decade ago when I was in a session with my husband, bend over a bar stool, being spanked with a crop on my ass cheeks. Stupid me was thinking I could make my husband stop smoking by asking to be hit until he did. Well, I cried and he stopped, not necessarily in that order. I had somehow reached by breaking point, giving me an epiphany about everybody making their own choices. Little spoiler here, he stopped on his own years later. Anyway, my husband had been a great top and stopped...

Visiting my brother who had a stroke, I have some time to reflect on my mental health issues - burdens on my soul.

I could write at length about family constellation as a kind of shock therapy - short and intense, but if it's something for you'll find to it anyway. So I'll keep it short that it's a way I find good for me for two reasons: I struggle to commit to any ongoing long-term processes like a therapy with a therapatist over months and years with weekly sessions - and still consider...

Thanks for the inspiration to knorke due to her lovely blog entry Time. Go have a look and possibly be inspired.

Fortunately, I am physically pretty healthy. Some issues with my teeth, my knees are sometimes muttering about their age, and I guess some organs are deteriorated to a degree I haven't noticed yet. It has been quite some time I had to see a doctor, and for minor issues like shoulder and neck muscles due to lack of relaxing exercise (I have a desk job), not to speak of having...

This also will be a short blog
Im going to tell a bit about my relation with music

As summary
Music can make my emotions change


I basically have music 24/7 on
And when i get a certain feeling
I set music on equal to that feeling

But sometimes i feel bad and set on happy music

But that sadly wont change
My mind...



Music is.like a drug that makes every feeling stronger

Currently i realised that im beginning to smoke more
And before i would never buy them but i still did just now

And then there is the 2nd thing

Since i live in the Netherlands
I can basically buy weed without problems
But the thing was i never really did it alone or just without my best friend

And now i basically got one, and smoked it.


Its that i now realise, i might use more sigs or weed
But im not sure...

This will be a bit of a short one
But still want to talk about it.

In the past i used to have bad moments
And i always go to this starbucks middle in a certain city

And used to.drink coffee there because it makes my mind at ease

I sit there even right now as i write this
With my coffee, and my music in my ears

Having my own space

And just.. get things straight


I have had a little breakdown...

This blog is one of a big series to open up to the world.
I want to talk about one of my biggest mental issues that i always had.

And that is loneliness

To keep this part short. I lost alot of friends and i always wanted a girlfriend that just loves me for who i am

And even if not..
I just want to hug, kiss, cuddle and more, because i need physical contact. Because i want to do it for the other person and it makes me forget the world and be...