A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
One step forward, two steps back
Posted 02-24-2019 at 10:11 PM by Butterfly
I had a wonderful weekend away with my besties and I came home feeling positive, inspired and ready to blog about a completely different topic.
However, after a short nap, I was woken up to 5 missed phone calls from my family. Everything came flooding back ... stress, worry, anxiety, an overwhelming feeling of "I can't do this anymore".
I feel like things take one small step forward, and then two huge leaps backwards. I try to be positive. I want to be positive, but sometimes it is just too damn hard.
Logically I know that I am not responsible for my family members. They are adults. They are not my problem. But I take on the role of counselor, fixer, "parent" ... and I don't know how to break that. I want to be a good daughter, sister, friend, etc. but I can't take on their problems. I just can't fit one more thing on my plate right now.
I also fear that if I stop being that person, they won't need me at all. I am so far away that I can just be forgotten if I am not useful. Which is even worse than the stress.
I have such an overwhelming urge to self harm right now. I need to do it but I know it won't help. I have thought about what I would do. I have thought about how it will feel. But I can't. I don't want to disappoint my people. I know it will only make me feel worse in the long run, but it doesn't take away the urge.
Every time things seem to start looking up, I get knocked by down. It doesn't even have to be something big to knock me flat on my ass.
This shouldn't be causing me as much stress as it is, but it is. It is like I am balancing ... not very well I might add. I just get a hang of how to hold my arms, and then one small little thing is added and I just topple right over.
I am falling. I am failing.
I am overwhelmed.
I just don't know.
However, after a short nap, I was woken up to 5 missed phone calls from my family. Everything came flooding back ... stress, worry, anxiety, an overwhelming feeling of "I can't do this anymore".
I feel like things take one small step forward, and then two huge leaps backwards. I try to be positive. I want to be positive, but sometimes it is just too damn hard.
Logically I know that I am not responsible for my family members. They are adults. They are not my problem. But I take on the role of counselor, fixer, "parent" ... and I don't know how to break that. I want to be a good daughter, sister, friend, etc. but I can't take on their problems. I just can't fit one more thing on my plate right now.
I also fear that if I stop being that person, they won't need me at all. I am so far away that I can just be forgotten if I am not useful. Which is even worse than the stress.
I have such an overwhelming urge to self harm right now. I need to do it but I know it won't help. I have thought about what I would do. I have thought about how it will feel. But I can't. I don't want to disappoint my people. I know it will only make me feel worse in the long run, but it doesn't take away the urge.
Every time things seem to start looking up, I get knocked by down. It doesn't even have to be something big to knock me flat on my ass.
This shouldn't be causing me as much stress as it is, but it is. It is like I am balancing ... not very well I might add. I just get a hang of how to hold my arms, and then one small little thing is added and I just topple right over.
I am falling. I am failing.
I am overwhelmed.
I just don't know.
Total Comments 4
Comments
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Hang in there Butterfly, you can do this!Posted 02-25-2019 at 01:29 AM by owlart 
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You can only look after others if you look after yourself first. I'd suggest logging off from things, turning off your phone every now & then to make sure that you're able to properly turn off and focus on yourself for a bit.
You're clearly a good person if people keep wanting you it's because you offer good advice/help not because you put them first while damaging yourself.Posted 02-25-2019 at 08:43 AM by PrincessJessica
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*hugs*
Have believe in yourself. I believe in you. You have gone through a lot and come out the other side. You will do it again.
*more hugs*Posted 02-25-2019 at 09:21 AM by Dr.Dom
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Thank you all for the support. I am doing a bit better today. I really am working on putting my own self care first, but that is hard. The urge to self harm is slowly getting weaker.
<3Posted 02-26-2019 at 08:58 PM by Butterfly
