Why I DON'T Have A Safeword.
Posted 11-19-2016 at 07:17 AM by IceMaiden
With all the talk about safewords recently I thought I would write about it from another angle.
Not only do I not have limits with AM, I also do not have a safeword. 18 months ago if I was told I would end up in a relationship without either I'd have laughed and said you were crazy.
What if AM pushes me too far or I genuinely can't do something for an unforeseen reason? How will he know if I don't/can't/wont safeword? By monitoring the scene and me.
There was a time when he had me do something (I do not recall the specifics as it was a while ago.) that we had done already with no incident. But when we tried this time I couldn't do it. I froze, I panicked, I couldn't speak. He immediately told me to stop and relax, to take a breather and gather myself and my thoughts and then communicate what the issue was.
Why was I so easily able to do it the time before but not this time? Because of surrounding circumstances, my mindset and my emotional wellbeing at the time of the scene. Which he knew about beforehand and had asked me was I okay to scene and I said I wasn't sure but I wanted to try. It was clearly a failed attempt because of how I felt at the time, but the second I started to regret it and realize I made the wrong choice...so did he.
He can read me so well that not only do I not have a safeword, I do not want one with him. I trust him to monitor me for every second of a scene, to know when it's too much and when we absolutely have to stop.
There was a time we tried something I am actually terrified of because of the memories it brings to the surface. And I didn't get too far into it at all before I was panicked and struggling to breathe-but attempting to continue and act like I could manage. This resulted in "Stop it right fucking now. Look at me. Breathe. You're okay, you're safe."
I hadn't made any indication that I needed to stop, that this was going to have a detrimental affect on my mental health if I continued. But he knew. By monitoring me very closely. By staying with me, by encouraging every second until he realized that no this isn't going to work and then putting an immediate end to it. He knew when it really became too much for me.
It all boils down to trust. I trust him not to harm me and to always have my best interests at heart even if something doesn't go the way he hoped it would. And he has never betrayed that trust, only shown me continually that he deserves it. And that is why I don't want a safeword with him or feel that I need one.
However.
AM and I are incredibly close. We know each other inside out. We know what works for us and (mostly) what doesn't or wont work. Our relationship is very personal and very deep. We are friends first and foremost and each care about the wellbeing of the other before anything else. And that is what allows us to work this way.
Despite the fact I don't have nor want a safeword, I do believe they are neccessary most of the time. AM was able to read my reactions because he was watching me. He wouldn't have been able to see I was panicking or struggling to breathe if that scene hadn't have been done on camera. I never gave any indication verbally that something was wrong. If he hadn't have paid careful attention to every single little detail, things could have gone very, very wrong.
I have used a safeword twice in the past with two different people. The first was because the person was drunk and wanted to administer a spanking. The second was because the person was pressuring me into something I was nowhere near ready for.
Neither of those should have needed a safeword. It should have been common sense that it wasn't acceptable and they were making the wrong choice. But because they refused to be actual human beings and remember/realize that, safewording was neccessary to keep myself safe.
At first, I felt a little guilty. Why couldn't I do what they wanted? Why was I so uncomfortable with it? But as time passed and I learned more and learned more about myself, I realized I had absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. I kept myself safe.
So no, I do not have nor want a safeword with AM. But that is because of how deep our relationship and trust goes. That is because it works for us. Someone else may trust just as deeply as we do, their relationship may be just as personal or more so and they still do have a safeword in place. And that is completely okay, as it is perfectly okay to use it if needed, without feeling guilty about it. It is to keep people safe.
Not only do I not have limits with AM, I also do not have a safeword. 18 months ago if I was told I would end up in a relationship without either I'd have laughed and said you were crazy.
What if AM pushes me too far or I genuinely can't do something for an unforeseen reason? How will he know if I don't/can't/wont safeword? By monitoring the scene and me.
There was a time when he had me do something (I do not recall the specifics as it was a while ago.) that we had done already with no incident. But when we tried this time I couldn't do it. I froze, I panicked, I couldn't speak. He immediately told me to stop and relax, to take a breather and gather myself and my thoughts and then communicate what the issue was.
Why was I so easily able to do it the time before but not this time? Because of surrounding circumstances, my mindset and my emotional wellbeing at the time of the scene. Which he knew about beforehand and had asked me was I okay to scene and I said I wasn't sure but I wanted to try. It was clearly a failed attempt because of how I felt at the time, but the second I started to regret it and realize I made the wrong choice...so did he.
He can read me so well that not only do I not have a safeword, I do not want one with him. I trust him to monitor me for every second of a scene, to know when it's too much and when we absolutely have to stop.
There was a time we tried something I am actually terrified of because of the memories it brings to the surface. And I didn't get too far into it at all before I was panicked and struggling to breathe-but attempting to continue and act like I could manage. This resulted in "Stop it right fucking now. Look at me. Breathe. You're okay, you're safe."
I hadn't made any indication that I needed to stop, that this was going to have a detrimental affect on my mental health if I continued. But he knew. By monitoring me very closely. By staying with me, by encouraging every second until he realized that no this isn't going to work and then putting an immediate end to it. He knew when it really became too much for me.
It all boils down to trust. I trust him not to harm me and to always have my best interests at heart even if something doesn't go the way he hoped it would. And he has never betrayed that trust, only shown me continually that he deserves it. And that is why I don't want a safeword with him or feel that I need one.
However.
AM and I are incredibly close. We know each other inside out. We know what works for us and (mostly) what doesn't or wont work. Our relationship is very personal and very deep. We are friends first and foremost and each care about the wellbeing of the other before anything else. And that is what allows us to work this way.
Despite the fact I don't have nor want a safeword, I do believe they are neccessary most of the time. AM was able to read my reactions because he was watching me. He wouldn't have been able to see I was panicking or struggling to breathe if that scene hadn't have been done on camera. I never gave any indication verbally that something was wrong. If he hadn't have paid careful attention to every single little detail, things could have gone very, very wrong.
I have used a safeword twice in the past with two different people. The first was because the person was drunk and wanted to administer a spanking. The second was because the person was pressuring me into something I was nowhere near ready for.
Neither of those should have needed a safeword. It should have been common sense that it wasn't acceptable and they were making the wrong choice. But because they refused to be actual human beings and remember/realize that, safewording was neccessary to keep myself safe.
At first, I felt a little guilty. Why couldn't I do what they wanted? Why was I so uncomfortable with it? But as time passed and I learned more and learned more about myself, I realized I had absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. I kept myself safe.
So no, I do not have nor want a safeword with AM. But that is because of how deep our relationship and trust goes. That is because it works for us. Someone else may trust just as deeply as we do, their relationship may be just as personal or more so and they still do have a safeword in place. And that is completely okay, as it is perfectly okay to use it if needed, without feeling guilty about it. It is to keep people safe.
Total Comments 10
Comments
-
One small addendum. Ice hasn't been denied a safeword. This is a mutual choice that we talked about, at length. We gave the process a trial, monitoring it closely, and it works for us. If she wanted one, she would have one. If I thought at any time she needed one, she would have one. It hasn't happened yet, but one day it might be that we do a scene where I am deliberately pushing to the edge of her endurance. When this happens, there may well be a temporary safeword put in place for the duration, just as an added layer of protection.
I have not always gotten everything 100% right. However, though there have been times she has done things she would rather not, there has never been, and will never be, an occasion where she has to do something she can not or should not do. And there never will be.
Posted 11-19-2016 at 07:27 AM by AbusiveMaster 
-
Posted 11-19-2016 at 07:38 AM by AbusiveMaster
-
Thanks,
Actually 100% aligned with my initial post on safewords.
And yes, from my perspective, i realized, 1 week ago, my pet got a severe punishment and that was all good. I stopped it because it was right. Afterwards it was clear it was probably the harsed scene we ever had, she had bruises that stay for 2 weeks (and she wears them with pride, she likes them), but "somewhat similar" to as you said. She gave no indication it should stop, i knew, and in hindsight: correct. Going further would have been too much, but only to be found out after the scene.
And yes,.... We are incredably close (we sometimes talk about that and are very surprised about that). And oh, i guess sessions are only 20% of what we do. 30% we talk about kink, but I guess 50% we talk about anything.
(And still, my pet DOES have a safeword!)Posted 11-19-2016 at 08:16 AM by sir stefan
-
Sir Stephan this blog is 70% different from the blog you wrote. I disagreed with almost your entire blog because you wrote about how negative it feels to use a safeword while still advocating for having one. Also, your relationship with Lucy is completely different than the relationship IM & AM have together. The biggest two differences are lenght/experience together and the fact that they use voice and camera. Verbal and physical cues are a huge part of keeping somebody safe while playing especially if you don't have a safeword.
As I said, Asslvr and I still have our safewords but I haven't used the words in a long time. We communicate while we play. When I tried our latest plug and it wasn't fitting, he checked in on me each try and finally when I had enough, I said I couldn't do it, he just knew that I was serious and he needed to stop now.
As Eivins said in response to Sir Stephan's blog, a safeword doesn't always have to be one word that stops play, rather it can be a bunch of words or even motions to keep yourself safe. And I think the way IM and AM play, is a variation of that.
Some may say our safeword isn't needed anymore and they may be right but I like to have it just in case. It doesn't make me trust him less. It doesn't make my submission count any less, so I keep it.
Great blog Icey ♡Posted 11-19-2016 at 09:34 AM by Butterfly
-
Ouch,... That hurts,...Quote:Originally Posted by Butterfly
Sir Stephan this blog is 70% different from the blog you wrote. I disagreed with almost your entire blog because you wrote about how negative it feels to use a safeword while still advocating for having one.
Ok, let me be straight,.. I respect both you and icemaiden a lot, feels kind of sad if we end in a fight.
I probably used wrong words by saying 100%, what i meant that she expressed what i intended to say.
I guess we disagree on the negative feelings,.. I absolutely agree they should not be there,but in reality i guess they often are.
Oh yes, safeword is needed,... But i tried to advocate that Doms should do all they can to avoid the sub needs to use. In that AM said a lot that i can relate with.Posted 11-19-2016 at 01:43 PM by sir stefan
-
I think a lot of the time Stefan's posts seem to say one thing while he really means something quite different. English isn't his first language.
When I read your blog, I wanted to jump up and down on you till you screamed - but I stopped myself because I know sometimes what everyone thinks you mean isnt quite what you wanted to say. When I saw your comments on kids blog I got a better idea of your meaning.
I think it might be an idea to have lucy proofread your blogs before you post them and tell you what she thinks they actually say - a lot of the time it is the exact opposite of what you really mean.Posted 11-19-2016 at 02:56 PM by AbusiveMaster
-
I love it when you blog.
This is the kind of place I would really love to get to in a D/s relationship, and I find this so encouraging because (while I know I personally am not consistenly open and honest about my emotional state enough to be in this place now, and therefore safewords provide the communication path I need) you two are living proof that this kind of intimacy is possible. You are both wonderfully in tune with each other and it's clear that you have put a lot of hard work and careful attention in to reach this place. It's beautiful and I really appreciate how you both take the time to share about how you have built your relationship; good examples make a world of difference.Posted 11-19-2016 at 03:12 PM by naughtylittlegirl
-
I am sorry if I hurt your feelings Sir Stephan and even if we do disagree, that does not mean we can't be friends and have respect for each other. AM pointed out that your point sometimes comes across as different as you intended and I should have taken that into consideration.
I was basing my comments on the way I interpreted your post and the negative message I was receiving from that. It sounds like overall you do agree with my point of my view, it just did not come across that way in your original blog.
I do agree that there is a negative stigma attached to safewords and that it isn't warranted. Safewords should be just that, safe. I see now that you agree with that statement. I just didn't agree with the way it was presented in your blog, almost as if you were saying "safewords make subs feel bad so we shouldn't encourage them to use it".
In my opinion a dom should handle the situation in an encouraging way in order to make their sub feel safe and confident in using their safeword. Of course a dom doesn't want their sub to safeword (in most instances), but if they do it doesn't mean either party has failed.
Again I am sorry for hurting your feelings and I agree that having Lucy read your blogs to help with the misunderstand might help because you do seem like you have a good sense as a dom, it just sometimes comes out discombobulated.Posted 11-19-2016 at 05:33 PM by Butterfly
-
Ice Maiden I have just read your blog entry and I see it as a story of love and closeness that would make almost anyone jealous of what you two have. That closeness across different dimensions is something that many seek and never find, while others are content, often quite happily content, with something less. You both display it in many ways, the one you write about here being the safeword. You understand each other so well that you communicate without explicitly communicating, and that stands you well in this as I am sure it does in everything else. Yes, this is a story of romance.
And so you don't have or want a safeword, and that is something that you can do like few others. You sense each other on so many levels that it works. And not from misunderstanding. You understand completely what it is and how it can work, and so you know that using it is not a failure, it is simply moving to the next plan, or the next or the next backup plan, when things are not going well and it is time to step back. And that may be the best message you have here.
The animated discussion in the comments is a bit unfortunate and – except that it sets up the last comment by Butterfly which repeats what you said at the heart of the matter: safewords are not negative they are the ultimate positive. Everyone should read the second last paragraph in that last comment: “...a dom should handle the situation in an encouraging way in order to make their sub feel safe and confident in using their safeword. Of course a dom doesn't want their sub to safeword (in most instances), but if they do it doesn't mean either party has failed.”Posted 11-30-2016 at 09:32 PM by MarvHarvey
Updated 11-30-2016 at 09:56 PM by MarvHarvey -
This is why I don't feel I need one and don't want one. I trust you wont harm me. I'm also confident enough to say to you what the fuck are you thinking if I truly believe something shouldn't be done and know you will listen to my concerns and then make a decision with my safety first and foremost in mind. And I love you for it.Quote:Originally Posted by AbusiveMaster
One small addendum. Ice hasn't been denied a safeword. This is a mutual choice that we talked about, at length. We gave the process a trial, monitoring it closely, and it works for us. If she wanted one, she would have one. If I thought at any time she needed one, she would have one. It hasn't happened yet, but one day it might be that we do a scene where I am deliberately pushing to the edge of her endurance. When this happens, there may well be a temporary safeword put in place for the duration, just as an added layer of protection.
I'm guessing it wont be banana.
I have not always gotten everything 100% right. However, though there have been times she has done things she would rather not, there has never been, and will never be, an occasion where she has to do something she can not or should not do. And there never will be.
I'm sad you never listen when I shout banana at you.Quote:Originally Posted by AbusiveMaster
Quote:Originally Posted by sir stefan
Thanks,
Actually 100% aligned with my initial post on safewords.
And yes, from my perspective, i realized, 1 week ago, my pet got a severe punishment and that was all good. I stopped it because it was right. Afterwards it was clear it was probably the harsed scene we ever had, she had bruises that stay for 2 weeks (and she wears them with pride, she likes them), but "somewhat similar" to as you said.
Bruises are wonderful!
She gave no indication it should stop, i knew, and in hindsight: correct. Going further would have been too much, but only to be found out after the scene.
I'm always amazed at how much attention dom/mes have to pay. It isn't easy sometimes submitting, but I think I'd really struggle with having to pay attention to every little detail of someone else.
And yes,.... We are incredably close (we sometimes talk about that and are very surprised about that). And oh, i guess sessions are only 20% of what we do. 30% we talk about kink, but I guess 50% we talk about anything.
Isn't it amazing how close you can become with someone online?!
(And still, my pet DOES have a safeword!)♡♡Quote:Originally Posted by Butterfly
Sir Stephan this blog is 70% different from the blog you wrote. I disagreed with almost your entire blog because you wrote about how negative it feels to use a safeword while still advocating for having one. Also, your relationship with Lucy is completely different than the relationship IM & AM have together. The biggest two differences are lenght/experience together and the fact that they use voice and camera. Verbal and physical cues are a huge part of keeping somebody safe while playing especially if you don't have a safeword.
I think if we didn't use voice and camera we wouldn't play without a safeword. I would trust him to do so, but I doubt he would risk it. In fact I am 100% sure of it. Which is another reason I love him lots!
As I said, Asslvr and I still have our safewords but I haven't used the words in a long time. We communicate while we play. When I tried our latest plug and it wasn't fitting, he checked in on me each try and finally when I had enough, I said I couldn't do it, he just knew that I was serious and he needed to stop now.
As Eivins said in response to Sir Stephan's blog, a safeword doesn't always have to be one word that stops play, rather it can be a bunch of words or even motions to keep yourself safe. And I think the way IM and AM play, is a variation of that.
I think that's right, AM commented somewhere either on a blog or thread I forget which that when we try something new he continuously checks in on me and asks if I am okay and how I am feeling. We have never had to stop yet as I have never said I don't think I can continue or anything similar. His check ins remind me that even though he is being 'mean' (Or a twat as I call him when it's happening) he is always looking out for my wellbeing first.
Some may say our safeword isn't needed anymore and they may be right but I like to have it just in case. It doesn't make me trust him less. It doesn't make my submission count any less, so I keep it.
Great blog Icey ♡
Ahhh don't inflate his ego even more please! *giggles*Quote:Originally Posted by sir stefan
Ouch,... That hurts,...
Ok, let me be straight,.. I respect both you and icemaiden a lot, feels kind of sad if we end in a fight.
I probably used wrong words by saying 100%, what i meant that she expressed what i intended to say.
I guess we disagree on the negative feelings,.. I absolutely agree they should not be there,but in reality i guess they often are.
I don't think Butterfly meant to hurt anyones feelings or argue just wanted to state why she disagreed when she originally read the posts.
Oh yes, safeword is needed,... But i tried to advocate that Doms should do all they can to avoid the sub needs to use. In that AM said a lot that i can relate with.
Thank you!! And I believe you will be able to find this intimacy with sommeone, you are wonderful and deserve everything.Quote:Originally Posted by naughtylittlegirl
I love it when you blog.
<3
This is the kind of place I would really love to get to in a D/s relationship, and I find this so encouraging because (while I know I personally am not consistenly open and honest about my emotional state enough to be in this place now, and therefore safewords provide the communication path I need) you two are living proof that this kind of intimacy is possible.
When we first started I was nowhere near open as much as I am now with him. I struggled (and sometimes still do) to tell him how I feel or my thoughts regarding things. But with the right person it does get easier if it's worked on by both parties.
You are both wonderfully in tune with each other and it's clear that you have put a lot of hard work and careful attention in to reach this place. It's beautiful and I really appreciate how you both take the time to share about how you have built your relationship; good examples make a world of difference.
Quote:Originally Posted by Butterfly
In my opinion a dom should handle the situation in an encouraging way in order to make their sub feel safe and confident in using their safeword. Of course a dom doesn't want their sub to safeword (in most instances), but if they do it doesn't mean either party has failed.
And any 'dom' that doesn't follow this or makes the sub feel as though they failed (or sub makes feel the dom feel as though failed, too) can go fuck themseves.
Oh I don't think it's unfortunate, I love healthy discussions and debates, even if I don't always post on them. It's interesting to see different points of view and learn why people have those.Quote:Originally Posted by MarvHarvey
Ice Maiden I have just read your blog entry and I see it as a story of love and closeness that would make almost anyone jealous of what you two have. That closeness across different dimensions is something that many seek and never find, while others are content, often quite happily content, with something less. You both display it in many ways, the one you write about here being the safeword. You understand each other so well that you communicate without explicitly communicating, and that stands you well in this as I am sure it does in everything else. Yes, this is a story of romance.
Thank you. 18 months ago I wouldn't have even believed to be this close with my dom was possible and I am very happy to continously be shown I was wrong.
The animated discussion in the comments is a bit unfortunate and – except that it sets up the last comment by Butterfly which repeats what you said at the heart of the matter: safewords are not negative they are the ultimate positive. Everyone should read the second last paragraph in that last comment: “...a dom should handle the situation in an encouraging way in order to make their sub feel safe and confident in using their safeword. Of course a dom doesn't want their sub to safeword (in most instances), but if they do it doesn't mean either party has failed.”
Posted 12-06-2016 at 03:42 PM by IceMaiden
Updated 12-06-2016 at 03:50 PM by IceMaiden
