A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
I am a Burden
Posted 02-27-2019 at 03:38 PM by Butterfly
I try my hardest to help others. I like to put my name and contact information out there so that others know, when they have an issue, they can come to me.
I like to be open about the things that I have been through: self harm, grief, anxiety, pain, etc. so that people know that they aren't alone.
Whether you are somebody I have known forever, or we just met, I am very likely to say "please let me know if I can help" or "If you need to talk, you know where to find me". I am a really empathetic person. I take on other people's pain and problems. I do what I can for others. I am a helper, a healer, a fixer.
I am a great communicator and use those skills as much as I can to help others through things. I expect people to lean on me when they need something, anything at all. I actually get upset if I learn that a friend had trouble and didn't come to me for help.
So why then can I not take my own advice? As the song states "It won't be long, until I am going to need somebody to lean on" Like I said, one of my skills is communication. I am very self aware and can put my thoughts and feelings out into the world pretty easily (most of the time). But yet, when I do, I feel guilty.
I would much rather help somebody carry their load, than burden them with mine. I feel as though it is my cross to bear, my pain, and I don't want to cause anybody any further harm.
If a friend is hurting, I would do whatever I could to take that away for them. I would rather hurt myself than see others suffer (except with kink ... then i want to cause all the suffering).
I feel guilty when I complain of physical pain. I know it makes Mr. Devious feel bad and helpless. So I would rather just suffer in silence.
I feel awful when I tell somebody that I am feeling anxious or scared. I know it makes things awkward, and they don't know what to do or say.
I feel like I am intruding when I ask somebody for the time or effort, to talk about what is ailing me, or to just be with me. I don't want to take up their time. I don't want to keep them from doing something more fun or productive.
I feel like I am always in the way. That I am taking up space that somebody more worthy can use. I feel as though my problems aren't as big as others, or that my feelings are invalid or unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
Logically I know this isn't true. How do I know? I give this advice to people all the time. I can't count how many times I have said "Your are not a bother" or "You are allowed to have feelings" or "It is not a competition". Yet, I can't take my own advice.
Feelings aren't logical. And I just can't shake the feeling that I am a bother to others. That my burden is too heavy to share . My problems are minor compared to others, and others have enough going on that they don't need one more thing. And so I push people away, or end the conversation with "I will be ok".
I know logically people love me, they care about me, they want to help, but how do I stop feeling like a burden? How do I stop feeling like they will give up on me if they see how broken I truly am? I don't know ....
I like to be open about the things that I have been through: self harm, grief, anxiety, pain, etc. so that people know that they aren't alone.
Whether you are somebody I have known forever, or we just met, I am very likely to say "please let me know if I can help" or "If you need to talk, you know where to find me". I am a really empathetic person. I take on other people's pain and problems. I do what I can for others. I am a helper, a healer, a fixer.
I am a great communicator and use those skills as much as I can to help others through things. I expect people to lean on me when they need something, anything at all. I actually get upset if I learn that a friend had trouble and didn't come to me for help.
So why then can I not take my own advice? As the song states "It won't be long, until I am going to need somebody to lean on" Like I said, one of my skills is communication. I am very self aware and can put my thoughts and feelings out into the world pretty easily (most of the time). But yet, when I do, I feel guilty.
I would much rather help somebody carry their load, than burden them with mine. I feel as though it is my cross to bear, my pain, and I don't want to cause anybody any further harm.
If a friend is hurting, I would do whatever I could to take that away for them. I would rather hurt myself than see others suffer (except with kink ... then i want to cause all the suffering).
I feel guilty when I complain of physical pain. I know it makes Mr. Devious feel bad and helpless. So I would rather just suffer in silence.
I feel awful when I tell somebody that I am feeling anxious or scared. I know it makes things awkward, and they don't know what to do or say.
I feel like I am intruding when I ask somebody for the time or effort, to talk about what is ailing me, or to just be with me. I don't want to take up their time. I don't want to keep them from doing something more fun or productive.
I feel like I am always in the way. That I am taking up space that somebody more worthy can use. I feel as though my problems aren't as big as others, or that my feelings are invalid or unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
Logically I know this isn't true. How do I know? I give this advice to people all the time. I can't count how many times I have said "Your are not a bother" or "You are allowed to have feelings" or "It is not a competition". Yet, I can't take my own advice.
Feelings aren't logical. And I just can't shake the feeling that I am a bother to others. That my burden is too heavy to share . My problems are minor compared to others, and others have enough going on that they don't need one more thing. And so I push people away, or end the conversation with "I will be ok".
Total Comments 10
Comments
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Youre never a burden 💞 I know it sometimes may feel like that, when those thoughts of guilt come up think of all the positive people in your life, or if you can do something positive or listen to something positive. Youre correct feelings arent always logical, but know you have people around you that love you! I know we dont know eachother well, but my inbox is always always always open if you ever would like to chat ☺️Posted 02-27-2019 at 04:54 PM by Peachybaby 
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I wish I could advise you on this. I'm.sorry you are feeling this way. It is something I can empathize with. If you ever do want to talk, I'm here. I do care. You are a good woman. You are a sincere help to others, and of great value.
As for being afraid to admit you are scared or anxious..I'm just going to look at you until you UNDERSTAND. right. Ok then. So like I said... if you ever want to talk, I'm here. I care. You have every right to FEEL your feelings and EXPRESS your feelings and have them MATTER and be appreciated. Dont ever let anyone make you feel otherwise.
To a good friend, lover, husband, or Dom ESPECIALLY a Daddy worth their salt, holding you tight and helping you through those through scary feelings is THE BEST THING EVER. It's where they get their " You're SUCH a good Daddy. Thank you for being My Daddy." ( Daddies need to hear that almost as much as little, middle, mittles do. ) ... a friend, lover, or Dom is the same in ascending order...
You are valued, you are worth it, you are special, I care.
~ faithPosted 02-27-2019 at 05:03 PM by Faithfullyyours
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I know how you feel. I'm good at being there for other people to lean on but very rarely will I lean on other people. I always think my friends have enough to cope with without me adding to their burden. I think only one friend will actually say "You're not ok, what's up?" when I say "I'm ok", but even then I don't like burdening her with my problems when she has enough of her own.
We should take our own advice, we should listen to what we tell others, and take that to heart ourselves. It's easier in the moment to just bottle it up and say "I'm fine" though.
Sending you big hugs and best wishesPosted 02-27-2019 at 05:16 PM by owlart
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You are not a burden. I really can't give you advice as I do this too. But, in reality bottling feelings up is good for no one, it makes you crazy and comes out eventually.
Everybody has something going on-happy, positive people with no problems are only real in cartoons, I believe. And I never thought you were a burden btw. You're human and that's okay!Posted 02-27-2019 at 07:26 PM by LitDarkness
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I don't have the words. I wish I did and could make this better for you.
You're not a burden to me, quite the opposite.
*mega cwtch*Posted 02-28-2019 at 12:48 AM by Dr.Dom
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You are far too lovely to ever be a burden. Your energy is special! I'm always here to listen too.
Posted 02-28-2019 at 02:14 AM by LittleMissSass
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There is nothing you can do or say to convince me that you are a burden - that's just a dent in your self-esteem speaking (or something - perhaps depression, what do I know?) - so I won't say anything about that.
But it seems to me that there is a sense in which all people are burdens to each other --- and it's just fine, the way it should be. Part of what makes us human. And more than that: parents take on the burdens of parenthood, friends the burdens of friendship, good leaders the burdens of leadership... - and the carrying of those burdens is in no way a negative thing. The burdens may sometimes be very heavy, but they may also be what gives life meaning.
But you know that, because you accept the burdens of a helper, and you know that it makes life worthwhile.
I don't for one second believe that you are a burden to anyone - but perhaps you should allow yourself to be one?Posted 02-28-2019 at 04:04 AM by Cstelle
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We need like capabilities on these darn comments!!! Cstelle... you are wonderful.
Posted 02-28-2019 at 04:22 AM by Faithfullyyours
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So I guess it's fair to say nobody sees you as a burden. It's how you perceive yourself to be.
When you offer help to people, give them comfort, listen to their troubles and concerns and offer advice, do you see that person in front of you as a burden? I don't imagine so.
Do you like the feeling of helping someone you care about - that warm feeling inside that you made a big or little difference, that in some way you made things easier? Of course... we ALL do.
There will be people in your life that will want to help you, will want to scoop you up and look after you, will want to take care of you, listen to what is going on in that amazing brain of yours. Don't deny them their chance of that warm fuzzy feeling. That's not fair.
You are a wonderful person. And like all wonderful people, they occasionally need help and support.
There isn't a happy person on this planet that did it all on their own.
Please reach out to the people who care for you the most, even if it's just to say 'can I tell you about something I'm feeling'... you'll be amazed at the response xPosted 02-28-2019 at 07:33 AM by MastersVoice
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Thank you for all the wonderful and supportive comments. I have been talking about this a lot with my counselor lately. The feeling of not being worthy of others time and effort is something that is so deeply ingrained in me, that it is hard to override. I grew up being told that I wasn't worth much, if anything.
It is hard to erase those thoughts, but seeing the positive comments and knowing that none of you view me as a burden, it is one step towards coming to terms with reality. So thank you again.Posted 03-06-2019 at 03:37 PM by Butterfly
