On Being a Burden
Posted 03-21-2015 at 02:49 PM by Clerisyberry
Why are you so troublesome?
At one point in my life, I remember being told this, and it stung. Every now and again, the words still ring in my head, and the fear of being troublesome sets in and reminds me to tell myself: “Don’t forget to be a robot, today, Cleri.” Certainly though, this is a common phenomenon. Noone wants to be a burden on anyone; dependence has long since been a state associated with immaturity or childhood. In such a way, my fear of being troublesome has become a hindrance in some aspects of my life. In avoiding burdening anyone, I’ve isolated myself from the world, emotionally and physically. I hide away my thoughts and emotions, and I only let my positive emotions trickle through, specifically happiness and altruism and the occasional gung-ho “me versus the world” compulsions (definitely a positive emotion).
And in general, so does the rest of my family. Being emotionless is a sign of strength and intelligence, founded by the belief that an emotionless robot is more likely to think clearly and critically. To some degree, I agree with that, but at the same time I believe that an emotional individual will be much more stable and is more likely to make positive decisions based on empathetic experiences. I want to be able to look into someone’s eyes and know their happiness and sorrows. I want to be able to know when to give someone a much needed hug. I want to feel love, happiness, altruism, compassion, understanding, wisdom.
But I don’t want to feel sadness. I don’t want to feel attachment. I don’t want to feel jealousy. And I absolutely hate feeling anger or rage. (Good thing I like playing League of Legends, right?) (Who *does* like any of that though?) I deplore it to the point that I reject its very existence. I detach myself from it, point at it, and call it evil. As such, I avoid any conversation about the topic. My frustrations bottle up inside me until I explode, and that’s even scarier.
In order to combat my blatant avoidance of these scary emotions, I make it a habit to sit down with people and give a heart to heart. It gives me a chance to express my own thoughts, especially when in a relationship, and it gives them a chance to tell me about their frustrations in life, whether it be about work or that annoying brunette who keeps stroking your nipples at work or how I really offended them when I told ‘em how much they suck with map-reading.
However, in the relationship where communication is key – aka BDSM (!), I feel like I’ve shirked some of these habits that I’ve developed for myself. What’s really annoying about it is that we both seem to be bottlers (at some point I think I even made a douching analogy for how bad bottling emotions is – black kettles!). Since I can only speak for myself, I’ve realized that I tip toe around my emotions, like pointing at things near my emotion without actually tackling the problem itself. By goodness is this terrible. Sometimes I wish people would just punch the living daylights out of me until I cough up the deep and terrible stuff. I’m the drug addict you’re the dealer so hunt me down until I sussy out the dough! So to speak.
But no one has time for that. Everyone has their own lives to worry about. Their own burdens to carry. When you’re Atlas, you won’t want to exchange the Earth for Mars, or even the Sun.
So I’m at an impasse. How much trouble should I dish out? How much bother can I be? Can I bottle these emotions up for myself and just blog it out (or something)? There’s a give and a take with being a burden. Sometimes, though, I just want to take it all and carry the weight of the world. And yet, even the weight of my own trouble shakes my soul.
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Afterwords:
PENIS! Felt obligated to be less serious. I was going to think up something creatively witty for my afterwords, but sometimes all you need is penis.
At one point in my life, I remember being told this, and it stung. Every now and again, the words still ring in my head, and the fear of being troublesome sets in and reminds me to tell myself: “Don’t forget to be a robot, today, Cleri.” Certainly though, this is a common phenomenon. Noone wants to be a burden on anyone; dependence has long since been a state associated with immaturity or childhood. In such a way, my fear of being troublesome has become a hindrance in some aspects of my life. In avoiding burdening anyone, I’ve isolated myself from the world, emotionally and physically. I hide away my thoughts and emotions, and I only let my positive emotions trickle through, specifically happiness and altruism and the occasional gung-ho “me versus the world” compulsions (definitely a positive emotion).
And in general, so does the rest of my family. Being emotionless is a sign of strength and intelligence, founded by the belief that an emotionless robot is more likely to think clearly and critically. To some degree, I agree with that, but at the same time I believe that an emotional individual will be much more stable and is more likely to make positive decisions based on empathetic experiences. I want to be able to look into someone’s eyes and know their happiness and sorrows. I want to be able to know when to give someone a much needed hug. I want to feel love, happiness, altruism, compassion, understanding, wisdom.
But I don’t want to feel sadness. I don’t want to feel attachment. I don’t want to feel jealousy. And I absolutely hate feeling anger or rage. (Good thing I like playing League of Legends, right?) (Who *does* like any of that though?) I deplore it to the point that I reject its very existence. I detach myself from it, point at it, and call it evil. As such, I avoid any conversation about the topic. My frustrations bottle up inside me until I explode, and that’s even scarier.
In order to combat my blatant avoidance of these scary emotions, I make it a habit to sit down with people and give a heart to heart. It gives me a chance to express my own thoughts, especially when in a relationship, and it gives them a chance to tell me about their frustrations in life, whether it be about work or that annoying brunette who keeps stroking your nipples at work or how I really offended them when I told ‘em how much they suck with map-reading.
However, in the relationship where communication is key – aka BDSM (!), I feel like I’ve shirked some of these habits that I’ve developed for myself. What’s really annoying about it is that we both seem to be bottlers (at some point I think I even made a douching analogy for how bad bottling emotions is – black kettles!). Since I can only speak for myself, I’ve realized that I tip toe around my emotions, like pointing at things near my emotion without actually tackling the problem itself. By goodness is this terrible. Sometimes I wish people would just punch the living daylights out of me until I cough up the deep and terrible stuff. I’m the drug addict you’re the dealer so hunt me down until I sussy out the dough! So to speak.
But no one has time for that. Everyone has their own lives to worry about. Their own burdens to carry. When you’re Atlas, you won’t want to exchange the Earth for Mars, or even the Sun.
So I’m at an impasse. How much trouble should I dish out? How much bother can I be? Can I bottle these emotions up for myself and just blog it out (or something)? There’s a give and a take with being a burden. Sometimes, though, I just want to take it all and carry the weight of the world. And yet, even the weight of my own trouble shakes my soul.
----------------------------------------------------------
Afterwords:
PENIS! Felt obligated to be less serious. I was going to think up something creatively witty for my afterwords, but sometimes all you need is penis.
Total Comments 4
Comments
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You certainly are one burden! Gotta carry your sweet ass against those bots every damn time!
On a serious note, you're a great gal in many ways. I am sure no one experiences you as a burden, even when you steal all my kills, you probarly have many people around you that love you, and would jump at the oppertunity to help you feel better and listen to you if you need an ear.Posted 03-21-2015 at 03:55 PM by Jah Brother 
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@Jah Brother: Puuhlease Jah, if your bum were any heavier, I'd be the strongest woman in the world for carry it for so long. Beginner bots be damned!
And thanks, Jah. Sometimes I forget.
Posted 03-21-2015 at 05:06 PM by Clerisyberry
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Good topic!
If we're speaking about a BDSM relationship here, I think a Dom should always be there to listen. I've noticed how submissives tend to think they're being a bother when they want to talk about emotions or want to be reassured. Personally, I don't think it's a bother at all! I know other doms who don't mind it at all too. I encourage opening up, in fact! It helps communication so much when you know what's going on exactly. I can respond to that! I notice when things aren't right anyway, so it's better if I hear what it's about. The thing is: emotions bubble up eventually. You can't keep stuffing them away and pretending they aren't there. When you keep bottling them up, it's going to explode eventually. Maybe in a way that makes everything worse, if you don't watch out! So it really is better to talk about it from time to time instead of keep problems to yourself. It may be hard, but when you notice your dom (or your sub, for that matter) is there for you and listens every time, it becomes a lot easier to share them.Posted 03-24-2015 at 04:02 PM by drwarschauu
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Wow. This was so good. I connected with this in particular: "Noone wants to be a burden on anyone; dependence has long since been a state associated with immaturity or childhood. In such a way, my fear of being troublesome has become a hindrance in some aspects of my life. In avoiding burdening anyone, I’ve isolated myself from the world, emotionally and physically."
I tend to be quite an emotional person, but I also want to keep my emotions under control. I am a reserved person, I don't like being laid bare for everyone, and so I try to keep my emotions to myself (some of them anyways) - but there's a balance to that which I have found I can neglect.
I'm getting better at acknowledging and discussing my emotions, etc., with my Dom, who has been wonderfully patient and kind and helpful. But it's a lot of habit to rewrite, and I'm often not good at even identifying what I'm feeling. One of the most valuable things I have learned, though, and which struck me when I read your blog, is that my Dom really does love it when I am completely open and honest with him - I read an article on FetLife a while ago written by sub who explained that the most submissive thing she does is be honest with her dom, which rather convicted me and I've since tried to take it to heart. On top of that, I am learning, slowly, that my dependence on my Dom is something that pleases Wardell too. He genuinely likes it when I come to him for cuddles, to talk, etc. It's something that I'm still trying to wrap my head around because I'm used to it being the other way around, but I am learning and I am getting better at recognizing when I ought to go to him (sometimes I still muck that up) and then actually taking that step.
Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for writing this, and that I do understand at least a little how very difficult and complicated it can be to unlearn these kinds of habits when you've made a point of practicing and enforcing them most of your life. It is hard, and I don't want to make light of that at all; but I know that for me it has been very much worth it, every time.Posted 04-02-2015 at 02:51 AM by naughtylittlegirl
