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I want to punch an optimist!

Posted 01-30-2019 at 08:25 PM by Butterfly
Updated 01-30-2019 at 08:28 PM by Butterfly

I am not an optimist. I try REALLY hard to be a positive, happy person, but the truth is, it is a daily struggle for me. I have to force myself to find the positive in life.

I wouldn't even consider myself a pessimist per say. Yeah my brain automatically thinks of everything that COULD go wrong. And sometimes I get sucked into that black vortex of negativity. But I guess I would consider myself a realist.

The reality is, not everything is just "going to be ok". Shit happens. Life sucks. There are so many things out of our control.

I am the type of person who would rather know all possible outcomes. I want to know what the probabilities and possibilities are. I want time to research and inform myself. To make a plan for all possible scenarios.

Knowledge is power. I don't believe in the saying "ignorance is bliss". No, ignorance is dumb. I want to head into battle protected with knowledge, understanding and a plan! Why go in blind?

I was recently given some less than positive news. It was actually a major blow to my life plan. I found out that the cyst I had on my ovary has left damage. The damage is very likely permanent, and this will significantly hinder my chances of getting pregnant. A battle that we have already been fighting for two years.

Of course I want to think the best. I really do hope that "everything is going to be ok". And in reality, things most likely will be ok ... but ok doesn't necessarily mean that things are going to turn out the way I want. Ok doesn't mean that I won't have to go through painful, uncomfortable, long and expensive treatments to try and conceive. Ok doesn't mean that I won't have miscarriages. Ok doesn't mean that I won't have to try and adopt in the end.

I know that realistically, the next year is going to be rough. I am going to have to work really hard, make sacrifices, spend money, undergo treatments that are painful, that mess with my hormones, that make me feel downright awful. I know there is going to be lots of tears in my future. Hopefully there will be tears of happiness along the way as well.

But when an optimist comes up to me and tells me that "everything is going to be ok", I want to punch them. When somebody tells me about the story of their neighbors friends sister who had trouble getting pregnant and now has 20 children and is super happy, I want to hit them with my car.

The fact is, most people don't know me. Although I am pretty open about my life, there are factors that you can't possibly know about my situation. And even, by chance, your aunts cousins bus driver has the exact same issues as me, it doesn't mean our cases are going to turn out the same way.

Mr. Devious is an optimist. He is Mr. Positivity! And that is great. It balances out some of my negative thoughts. He really is the best cheerleader a girl could ask for (hmm .. maybe I should buy him a cheerleader outfit for valentines day ...). I am a lot more tolerant of him saying that things are going to be ok. He knows me. He knows everything about me. And he makes me feel like no matter what happens, everything WILL be ok, even if it isn't the optimal outcome, or what I really want.

But still ...

The unknown is scary. And my future, the thing that I want most in my life, is unsure, unknown, and that scares the shit out of me. No matter how much I tell myself that things are going to turn out the way they are supposed to. No matter how much I try not to worry, try not to think about the possibility that I won't get to be a mom, or of all the things that might go wrong. No matter how hard I try to be positive, and believe that things are "going to be ok" ... I just can't help but think that it might not turn out the way I want it to.

and I think the thing that bugs me the most is like ... if you believe that everything is just going to magically be ok, then you have no drive to improve your chances of everything being ok. Because the truth is, in most situations, you do have some control of what the outcome will be. Or if you have absolutely no control, the least you can do is prepare for an unfavorable outcome.

We don't live in a magical fairy land where fairy godmothers grant wishes, and pixie dust makes dreams come true. We have to work for things, fight for things ... almost nothing is just handed to you on a silver platter. So if you live in lala land and have this notion that everything is just going to be ok ... it isn't!

I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

I want to be a mom. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be a mom. The truth is, that may not be enough. My body might not be made for being pregnant. Of course, it could happen, but it also might not. Instead of being sad, mad, hurt, scared ... I want to research, plan, and go into battle with as much knowledge as I can. I want to prepared. I want to know what my options are. I want to hold onto the hope that even if I can't get pregnant, there are other options. I want to know what those options are, prepare for the physical and financial toll they may take, and mentally prepare.

So no, I am not an optimist, but I am also not a pessimist. I think I am a realist, and I like being a realist.

And to all the optimists out there ....


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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    Please don't be mad, but one of the following items is a comment that isn't particularly aligned with the seriousness of your post.

    1. This is a serious question. Would it be possible to harvest one of your eggs and have someone else carry to term? The child would still be genetically yours and you would be the mom. This may already be something you have considered or might be something you have not yet contemplated.

    2. This one is the one you might get mad at me about... When you made the comment about wanting to hit the optimist with your car, I chuckled. And then I thought of the stereotype Canadian and thought "wow, Canadians can get angry!" I am sorry that I laughed at part of your rant. And I am sorry for comparing against the stereotype. But I have to admit to getting a chuckle.

    3. I truly am sorry to hear about the bad news. I *hope* that things will work out in the end, but I know that they may not and won't offer the false hope of the optimist. As futile as it is, I will keep my fingers crossed. Not really anything more I can do from this end.
    Posted 01-30-2019 at 10:02 PM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Thank you for your comment.

    1. I have considered that as an option and even have a list of people who I would ask. It still isnt the optimal outcome but it is a viable option. However there is a large cost associated with that option and that comes with it's own complications.

    2. I added some humor on purpose and I am glad that you were able to laugh. Laughter really is the best medicine.

    3. Thank you!
    Posted 01-30-2019 at 10:39 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    Glad that you didn't get mad. I have a hard time discerning if something I think is funny / innocuous will be taken that way by others.

    1. That is true; there is a pretty big price tag and it has it's own set of potential issues. But glad that it is a possible viable option.

    2. Yay! And yeah, with the stereotype of Canadians always being polite and friendly, it made it extra funny for me.

    3. Bitte, comrade.
    Posted 01-30-2019 at 10:51 PM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
  4. Old Comment
    herpderp42's Avatar
    I am sorry for your bad news.
    I do consider myself an optimist, so punch me if it makes you feel better. (The car would be a bit too much though).
    You said yourself: Everything will be okay doesn't mean everything will be perfect. No, sometimes life decides to fuck you over and sometimes it fucks you even harder.
    But positivity is about accepting and while still being able to do your best acknowledging that not all your plans will work out.

    Planning ahead is certainly a smart thing to do but life is waaaaay to complicated to have plans for every possibility. So plan for the likely scenarios but DO NOT EXPECT life to grant you one of those scenarios.
    Overthinking and getting caught in a loop doesn't help anything. So try resetting yourself whenever this happens.

    Wish you all the best.
    Posted 01-31-2019 at 01:19 AM by herpderp42 herpderp42 is offline
  5. Old Comment
    drwarschauu's Avatar


    Been out of the loop and didn't know about your sad news. Sorry to hear it! Wishing you good luck!
    Posted 01-31-2019 at 08:35 AM by drwarschauu drwarschauu is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Foxy Rose's Avatar
    To quote you about what you said earlier to someone "You do you". I truly hope that things work out the way they should. And I am here to cheer you on as much as "Mr. Positivity" although I hardly know you.

    With much love and positivity, always
    xXx
    Posted 01-31-2019 at 09:22 AM by Foxy Rose Foxy Rose is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Mr. Devious's Avatar
    You really have made big improvements in your positivity since we met, and I'm really proud of you for that. I know I can be overly optimistic at times, but I usually do so out of love and concern. You know I'll always be here to love and support you sweetie, even if you do wanna punch me sometimes.
    Posted 01-31-2019 at 09:54 AM by Mr. Devious Mr. Devious is offline
  8. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by herpderp42 View Comment
    I am sorry for your bad news.
    I do consider myself an optimist, so punch me if it makes you feel better. (The car would be a bit too much though).
    You said yourself: Everything will be okay doesn't mean everything will be perfect. No, sometimes life decides to fuck you over and sometimes it fucks you even harder.
    But positivity is about accepting and while still being able to do your best acknowledging that not all your plans will work out.

    Planning ahead is certainly a smart thing to do but life is waaaaay to complicated to have plans for every possibility. So plan for the likely scenarios but DO NOT EXPECT life to grant you one of those scenarios.
    Overthinking and getting caught in a loop doesn't help anything. So try resetting yourself whenever this happens.

    Wish you all the best.
    I will refrain from hitting you with my car (for now :P)

    I agree, there is such thing as over planning and analyzing situations and that has its own problems as well. While doing research, I have refrained from reading about other people's success or failure stories, I have instead just done research into all of the different options that might be available to me. I want to know the options, the risks, costs, etc. So that when it comes time to make a decision, I at least can go in knowing something.

    Thank you for your positivity!
    Posted 01-31-2019 at 12:28 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  9. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    @DrW - Thank you for your kind thoughts.

    @Foxy Rose - I am happy to have as many cheerleaders as I can get. Thank you.
    Posted 01-31-2019 at 12:29 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  10. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Mr. Devious View Comment
    You really have made big improvements in your positivity since we met, and I'm really proud of you for that. I know I can be overly optimistic at times, but I usually do so out of love and concern. You know I'll always be here to love and support you sweetie, even if you do wanna punch me sometimes.
    Thank you my love. As I said, I don't want to punch you. I know that when you say that everything is going to be ok, you don't mean it is all going to be magically perfect. Instead, I know that you are saying that you love me, and that no matter happens to us, you are always going to love me and we are going to survive it together.

    And I really do thank you for all of your optimism, you have really changed my life for the better.

    It isn't TOO often that I want to punch you!
    Posted 01-31-2019 at 12:32 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
    Updated 01-31-2019 at 06:16 PM by Butterfly
  11. Old Comment
    I read your complete post, we have a lot in common re positivity and basically i look on your angle as you say, being a realist, one thing, i cant change the way i think, can anyone? I dont know, its a bit like the mathamatical infinity argument and many times in my life i have wished i could change, ppl tell me i look for priblems, to me i am covering every angle
    Posted 01-31-2019 at 03:03 PM by Tripple pierced Tripple pierced is offline
  12. Old Comment
    herpderp42's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tripple pierced View Comment
    I read your complete post, we have a lot in common re positivity and basically i look on your angle as you say, being a realist, one thing, i cant change the way i think, can anyone? I dont know, its a bit like the mathamatical infinity argument and many times in my life i have wished i could change, ppl tell me i look for priblems, to me i am covering every angle
    I have heard once that simply putting on a smile leads to more positive emotions/ memories on its own. And I do want to claim that it works for me. Maybe it is simply a placebo effect because I want to believe in it. That however still implies the same outcome for me and thus it doesn't matter if it does truely work or not, right?
    Posted 02-01-2019 at 03:30 AM by herpderp42 herpderp42 is offline
  13. Old Comment
    LitDarkness's Avatar
    I do hope things end up going well. And you are right, sometimes things don't go the way you plan. And the "XX has kids and shouldn't have been able to" is annoying.

    Maybe you will wake up pregnant tomorrow, maybe not, we don't know the future. There are options as you said. I hope you do get pregnant since you have been wanting it so bad.

    Unfortunately, you are right and it may not happen. Though, I do wish you the best and hope everything goes well.

    (And you refrain from hitting people with cars.)
    Posted 02-02-2019 at 01:53 PM by LitDarkness LitDarkness is offline
 

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