Thoughts, Rants, Opinions, Tales, and Musings of a Princess.
Stepping Into the World
Posted 06-30-2016 at 12:04 PM by The Slutty Princess
For those of you who don't know, I am bisexual. I have had feelings for a friend (actually multiple friends) but just recently did I actually come out and tell her my feelings for her. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It didn't go as planned.
Yesterday, I met with Sammie. We met at her place since her parents would be gone for the night. I asked her if we could ‘talk’ and she told me to come over. My mind was being drowned by thoughts as I drove to her house. I was nervous more than ever. I had already made up my mind, I was going to tell her my feelings. I needed to, they had been haunting me for weeks now. I couldn’t look at her without lust and it only made matters worse with Hailey and my sister encouraging me to talk to her. The drive over there, I brainstormed everything. I thought of what I’d say to her, how or when I’d say it, everything that could go wrong. Parking in her driveway, I regretted texting her. I felt sick, sicker than I had felt before. I tried to think of Hailey, think her words of advice but they were going through one ear and out the other. I had been nervous before but never the nervous. I wanted to collapse and crumble. I sat in my car, parked in her driveway, unable to move from fear for minutes until Sammie opened the front door, smiling at me from the doorway. I had to move. I took a deep breath and exited the car. My stomach felt like it had been torn open, I regretted coming here, I regretted sending the text. I just wanted to go home and go back to the comfort of my bed. I was sweating profusely and gave Sammie a fake smile as I walked through the open door. She closed the door behind me and told me that we’d talk in the basement. We were polar opposites. I was speechless, eaten up by fear while she was bouncing around with delight and excitement. I followed her downstairs to her bedroom, the cool basement was a little more comforting and soothing than being in the warm living room. I couldn’t stop sweating. I could feel the heat on my face and I was embarrassed. I tried to relax, not wanting Sammie to be concerned. Sammie jumped onto her bed, sitting cross-legged and staring at me intently with a smile on her face.
“What’d you want to talk about?” she asked happily.
It was refreshing to see a woman so calm, it was part of Sammie’s charming attitude. She was always calm, always willing to listen. It relaxed me a little but I tried to begin but couldn’t. “ I don’t know..” was all I said.
She giggled and released more of her charm on me. “You have beautiful eyes, Lia!” I’m sure she could see that I was visibly uncomfortable but she didn’t want to acknowledge it yet. She was trying to break the discomfort in the room. I was sweating, my palms were wet, perspiration covered my face. “Thanks,” I said, growing a little more comfortable with her comment which only made me a little more curious to ask. I still felt like collapsing over, I couldn't muster a single word. The lump in my throat prevented me from talking.
She stared at me with intent to speak. I couldn't find the strength to speak. My tummy was being ripped open more as I tried to relax, taking deep breaths, which only caused me to shake. I needed to say something. I used the only bit of courage I could muster and spoke.
“Sammie...I like you.” She tilted her head and smiled. I looked down as I took a deep breath and continued, my fingers tracing on my thighs in nervousness. With every word I spoke, it felt like my tummy was only being ripped further from me. “Not as a friend….I mean I like you as a friend but....” I stammered. Taking a deep breath, I continued. I felt gross and humiliating. I could feel the sweat rolling down my skin. I was shaking with nerves while Sammie sat there in comfort, happiness, just listening. “I like girls.” I continued. “I don’t mean all girls.” I was flustered. My fingers scratched deep into my thigh as I tried to find the words. Sammie sat there motionless. I glanced at her but her face showed no emotion, it only made me feel worse. My heart sunk. I couldn't breathe. The lump in my throat swelled and I couldn’t speak. My fingers just clenched deeper into my thigh as Sammie sat there, her eyes in some abyss. I could feel tears in my eyes. I couldn't continue, nor did I want to.
Sammie helped me. “You’re bisexual?” she asked in a soft, almost curious tone. I didn’t like the tone she used. It made me feel like she was surprised and a little disgusted. I only hung my head more and clenched my fingers even harder into my thighs, the small scratches swelling and dripping a little blood.
I wiped a tear from my face and shook my head. “I can’t do this,” I said, my voice shaking.
“Lia, it’s okay. I am too.” She said in a whisper.
It was a punch to the gut. I nearly choked on the lump in my throat. My heart dropped and I froze. All the blood drained from my brain, leaving my thoughts empty. I told myself I didn’t hear her correctly and looked up at her. Her face was bright red. She was looking at me, she was looking down at her bed sheets. The discomfort in the room was frightening. I didn’t know what to say. I sank my head back down and the room fell silent for a few seconds. She placed her hand on my knee and I looked up at her. “It’s okay”. It was all she said. She unfolded her legs and scooted towards me, resting her head on my shoulder. I could feel her warm breath on my shoulder and we sat there silently, neither of us moving. My mind was overflowing. I couldn't comprehend what was going on. I couldn’t believe what she had just said. Those words filled me.
Without warning, I felt her warm, moist lips on my neck. I shuddered at the warmth, goosebumps filled my flesh. Blood rushed to my nipples, hardening them as they painfully poked into my bra. She nibbled gently at my neck, with each nipple, my mind grew more and more blank. I couldn’t move. I was in a state of shock. There was a regretful feeling inside me and I didn’t know why. I should be excited. Why was I scared? Why was I feeling shameful? Her lips traveled down my neck and I pushed her gently away. Tears were swelling up in my eyes. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.” I told her. She acted surprised, I can still see the disappoint in my eyes. What the fuck was I doing? I wanted it. I wanted her but I told her ‘I can’t’. I put my hands to my face and collapsed over in her bed, crying. I didn’t know why I couldn’t continue. What was I telling myself? My mind was blank, it just kept telling me to not go through with it. I cried as Sammie sat there gently running a hand through my hair. I was sad but angrier than anything. I just crippled over. My entire body felt like it was on fire and the worst part was that I couldn’t explain to myself why I was so sickened.
I picked my head up and looked at Sammie, I could see the pain and confusion in her eyes. She wiped the sweat, snot, and tears from my face. “Lia..” she began. I couldn't continue. I couldn't talk. I just shook my head, I couldn't even look at her. I was shaking with anger and sadness. “I need to go,” I said without looking at her. I stumbled out of the bedroom and back to my car. I could barely drive home, having the tears blur my vision.
I didn't get much sleep at all, maybe an hour all together. I felt like trash, I was frustrated. I spent all night regretting, pulling my hair, and crying. I needed to talk to her so as soon as the sun had risen, I drove back to her house and her dad let me inside. We talked and we talked and we talked. It was literally hours but we put everything out on the table, our feelings for each other, our discoveries, everything. I feel much better now. Thanks to all that have helped me through it and have provided me with courage, I couldn't have done it without you!
Yesterday, I met with Sammie. We met at her place since her parents would be gone for the night. I asked her if we could ‘talk’ and she told me to come over. My mind was being drowned by thoughts as I drove to her house. I was nervous more than ever. I had already made up my mind, I was going to tell her my feelings. I needed to, they had been haunting me for weeks now. I couldn’t look at her without lust and it only made matters worse with Hailey and my sister encouraging me to talk to her. The drive over there, I brainstormed everything. I thought of what I’d say to her, how or when I’d say it, everything that could go wrong. Parking in her driveway, I regretted texting her. I felt sick, sicker than I had felt before. I tried to think of Hailey, think her words of advice but they were going through one ear and out the other. I had been nervous before but never the nervous. I wanted to collapse and crumble. I sat in my car, parked in her driveway, unable to move from fear for minutes until Sammie opened the front door, smiling at me from the doorway. I had to move. I took a deep breath and exited the car. My stomach felt like it had been torn open, I regretted coming here, I regretted sending the text. I just wanted to go home and go back to the comfort of my bed. I was sweating profusely and gave Sammie a fake smile as I walked through the open door. She closed the door behind me and told me that we’d talk in the basement. We were polar opposites. I was speechless, eaten up by fear while she was bouncing around with delight and excitement. I followed her downstairs to her bedroom, the cool basement was a little more comforting and soothing than being in the warm living room. I couldn’t stop sweating. I could feel the heat on my face and I was embarrassed. I tried to relax, not wanting Sammie to be concerned. Sammie jumped onto her bed, sitting cross-legged and staring at me intently with a smile on her face.
“What’d you want to talk about?” she asked happily.
It was refreshing to see a woman so calm, it was part of Sammie’s charming attitude. She was always calm, always willing to listen. It relaxed me a little but I tried to begin but couldn’t. “ I don’t know..” was all I said.
She giggled and released more of her charm on me. “You have beautiful eyes, Lia!” I’m sure she could see that I was visibly uncomfortable but she didn’t want to acknowledge it yet. She was trying to break the discomfort in the room. I was sweating, my palms were wet, perspiration covered my face. “Thanks,” I said, growing a little more comfortable with her comment which only made me a little more curious to ask. I still felt like collapsing over, I couldn't muster a single word. The lump in my throat prevented me from talking.
She stared at me with intent to speak. I couldn't find the strength to speak. My tummy was being ripped open more as I tried to relax, taking deep breaths, which only caused me to shake. I needed to say something. I used the only bit of courage I could muster and spoke.
“Sammie...I like you.” She tilted her head and smiled. I looked down as I took a deep breath and continued, my fingers tracing on my thighs in nervousness. With every word I spoke, it felt like my tummy was only being ripped further from me. “Not as a friend….I mean I like you as a friend but....” I stammered. Taking a deep breath, I continued. I felt gross and humiliating. I could feel the sweat rolling down my skin. I was shaking with nerves while Sammie sat there in comfort, happiness, just listening. “I like girls.” I continued. “I don’t mean all girls.” I was flustered. My fingers scratched deep into my thigh as I tried to find the words. Sammie sat there motionless. I glanced at her but her face showed no emotion, it only made me feel worse. My heart sunk. I couldn't breathe. The lump in my throat swelled and I couldn’t speak. My fingers just clenched deeper into my thigh as Sammie sat there, her eyes in some abyss. I could feel tears in my eyes. I couldn't continue, nor did I want to.
Sammie helped me. “You’re bisexual?” she asked in a soft, almost curious tone. I didn’t like the tone she used. It made me feel like she was surprised and a little disgusted. I only hung my head more and clenched my fingers even harder into my thighs, the small scratches swelling and dripping a little blood.
I wiped a tear from my face and shook my head. “I can’t do this,” I said, my voice shaking.
“Lia, it’s okay. I am too.” She said in a whisper.
It was a punch to the gut. I nearly choked on the lump in my throat. My heart dropped and I froze. All the blood drained from my brain, leaving my thoughts empty. I told myself I didn’t hear her correctly and looked up at her. Her face was bright red. She was looking at me, she was looking down at her bed sheets. The discomfort in the room was frightening. I didn’t know what to say. I sank my head back down and the room fell silent for a few seconds. She placed her hand on my knee and I looked up at her. “It’s okay”. It was all she said. She unfolded her legs and scooted towards me, resting her head on my shoulder. I could feel her warm breath on my shoulder and we sat there silently, neither of us moving. My mind was overflowing. I couldn't comprehend what was going on. I couldn’t believe what she had just said. Those words filled me.
Without warning, I felt her warm, moist lips on my neck. I shuddered at the warmth, goosebumps filled my flesh. Blood rushed to my nipples, hardening them as they painfully poked into my bra. She nibbled gently at my neck, with each nipple, my mind grew more and more blank. I couldn’t move. I was in a state of shock. There was a regretful feeling inside me and I didn’t know why. I should be excited. Why was I scared? Why was I feeling shameful? Her lips traveled down my neck and I pushed her gently away. Tears were swelling up in my eyes. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.” I told her. She acted surprised, I can still see the disappoint in my eyes. What the fuck was I doing? I wanted it. I wanted her but I told her ‘I can’t’. I put my hands to my face and collapsed over in her bed, crying. I didn’t know why I couldn’t continue. What was I telling myself? My mind was blank, it just kept telling me to not go through with it. I cried as Sammie sat there gently running a hand through my hair. I was sad but angrier than anything. I just crippled over. My entire body felt like it was on fire and the worst part was that I couldn’t explain to myself why I was so sickened.
I picked my head up and looked at Sammie, I could see the pain and confusion in her eyes. She wiped the sweat, snot, and tears from my face. “Lia..” she began. I couldn't continue. I couldn't talk. I just shook my head, I couldn't even look at her. I was shaking with anger and sadness. “I need to go,” I said without looking at her. I stumbled out of the bedroom and back to my car. I could barely drive home, having the tears blur my vision.
I didn't get much sleep at all, maybe an hour all together. I felt like trash, I was frustrated. I spent all night regretting, pulling my hair, and crying. I needed to talk to her so as soon as the sun had risen, I drove back to her house and her dad let me inside. We talked and we talked and we talked. It was literally hours but we put everything out on the table, our feelings for each other, our discoveries, everything. I feel much better now. Thanks to all that have helped me through it and have provided me with courage, I couldn't have done it without you!
Total Comments 6
Comments
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Hi Lia,
there are a lot who have similar feelings in the beginning. When she kissed you, and you responded in that way, that wasn't abnormal either. I've done that too in the beginning. She wasn't my best friend, but I flirted with her and touched her and she responded, and after a while leaned in to kiss me, and I turned my head away twice *smacks myself on the head*
I got shy at the moment. I panicked in that moment. One moment was all that it took for her to grow cold to me. I understand her though. She didn't know what I was feeling inside.
I wasn't a great communicator then. I really wanted her, but... the reason is stupid really...
I was almost sixteen and didn't have a bunch of experience. I wasn't afraid to make love to her and for us to passionately figure it out together. I was afraid that I wouldn't be a good kisser. I've kissed before with my first boyfriend and was intimate with him. For some reason, I didn't have that same courage with her. It stopped me in my tracks.
She felt horrible. I guess she felt a little used and unwanted. We had a nice day together, and then I fucked it up, 'cause I was too damn shy. I wish she would have asked why. I wish I had the courage and the words to tell her. I was acting so strong and attractive, when I really wanted her to be that. I wanted her to more dominant. And she was getting there naturally, but I messed up and it stopped. I wish we could have been ourselves, but it was all new and we were young and didn't know how to process it yet. We didn't know how to respond.
I tried to talk to her again, but she didn't want anything to do with me and she shut me out of her life. I understand though. And after a little while, I responded by acting foolish and like it didn't bother me, but it did.
I guess she hated me and perhaps she will always think of me unfavorably in the back of her mind. I do not know where she is now.
It is one of my few regrets in life that I could never talk to her about it. Hopefully she understands now somehow what it might have been, now that we are more mature now. I can only hope.
I think it's cool how you both are best friends. I guess in a way that makes it both harder and easier.
I think it is wonderful you two communicated really well and talked things through.
Everyone feels like that in the beginning. Scared, confused, ashamed, and more. In the beginning it feels like that and can take a while to process. How long is different for everyone. You will find out there is nothing to be ashamed of. You will grow to understand yourself more. You will love who you love. And that is beautiful.
I'm glad your first confession turned out so well.
My first confessions didn't, but then they turned out somewhat okay.
I was happy for you when she said she was too, and cheering for joy aloud when she kissed you on the neck.
I wish you well my friend.
Whatever happens, you will always be fine.
Stay wonderful,
~JoannaPosted 06-30-2016 at 08:16 PM by Joan Sky 
Updated 06-30-2016 at 09:56 PM by Joan Sky -
It is amazing that you share and post so much of yourself with your GD family. I will only say that what you went through shook you up, but it is ok to feel how you feel.
It was especially good that you took the next step to go back and talk it out with her. It would have been sad to have let that slip by.
Keep your heart open. You are special and you deserve special!Posted 07-01-2016 at 06:33 AM by thewilds
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That was amazingly sweet.
I'm glad you went back the next day to talk to her.
I'm glad she wasn't upset from the day before and let you in to talk to her.
As sex-focused as we all are here? Despite the fact that you knew her, and knew her well, I'm actually glad things did not go to sex right away, but that, after fighting off that initial impulse, and the horrible night of self doubt, you guys talked. Opened up, and shared everything.
That is what makes people close. Not sex.
Well, sex too, but there was time for that afterwards, or later, I'm sure
Posted 07-01-2016 at 08:42 AM by ksoma
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Thank you all for your comments! I am blessed. I love you all!
Ksoma, Thanks for the comment. You're right, there is always time for sex! It was just too much of an uncomfortable situation. I still felt sick, uncomfortable, and scared. There was no way I could commit to kissing her back. It didn't feel like the right moment. Hopefully, I can come across that moment sometime soon. We went out on a date last night and it went well. I'm going over to her house tomorrow for a swim, maybe something will happen!
TheWilds, Thank you for your comment. You have been an inspiration for me since we started talking. Without your encouragement, I couldn't have done it without you. As you know, these past few days have been crazy and it's all thanks to you! I would have never dreamed of becoming so close to a thirty-year-old neighbor!
Last but far from least, Thank you, Joanna! It's nice to see someone that can relate to my experience! I'm very sorry to hear about your story. If only I was as cheerful as you when she kissed me on the neck!
Posted 07-01-2016 at 10:36 AM by The Slutty Princess
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LolQuote:Originally Posted by The Slutty Princess
Thank you all for your comments! I am blessed. I love you all!
Ksoma, Thanks for the comment. You're right, there is always time for sex! It was just too much of an uncomfortable situation. I still felt sick, uncomfortable, and scared. There was no way I could commit to kissing her back. It didn't feel like the right moment. Hopefully, I can come across that moment sometime soon. We went out on a date last night and it went well. I'm going over to her house tomorrow for a swim, maybe something will happen!
TheWilds, Thank you for your comment. You have been an inspiration for me since we started talking. Without your encouragement, I couldn't have done it without you. As you know, these past few days have been crazy and it's all thanks to you! I would have never dreamed of becoming so close to a thirty-year-old neighbor!
Last but far from least, Thank you, Joanna! It's nice to see someone that can relate to my experience! I'm very sorry to hear about your story. If only I was as cheerful as you when she kissed me on the neck!
Yeah, it isn't all about sex, and of course you want to wait until the right moment when you both feel comfortable.
Thanks for your sympathy. Things happens in life sometimes you know?
I was cheerful for you, because I've already been through that all ~ those feelings. I've been attracted to women as well since I was little, and started to think and feel about it more when I was 13 or 14, so I've had almost eighteen or nineteen years of awareness.
And I thought it was cool she kissed you, because that takes courage too, just like your confession.
I'm glad your first date went well and that you are excited for your second one.
I'd like to formally thank thewilds for helping you.
Thank you tw. Thanks for being a good friend to her and helping her. May your friendship be long and you continue to help each other and look after each others best interest. I know we don't talk much, and that is fine. I still respect you, and am happy when I hear how helpful you are to my friend Lia and others. I am happy that you are part of the book club, and that Lia started it.
Well Lia
Take it slow. One step at a time. You know what feels right. You both are doing well. Keep up the open commucation and patience, understanding, and/or kindness if you come across any snags. Whenever problems arise, if you show the person that you are there for them, that you will continue to be, that you won't harbor any resentment for their fleeting actions and emotions, and that you still love them even when they are acting up ~ even a heart of fire or ice can softened.
Thanks for calling us blessings. You are a blessing too. Thanks for sharing so much of your friendship with us and treating us like your family. I feel the same too.
You have a good head on your shoulders. You are mature and wise for your years but you still have much to learn and experience as do we all.
Also, you might want to check out a movie called The Broken Hearts Club: A Romantic Comedy. It's about a group of gay friends. It's an older movie from the year 2000, and has a few semi-famous people in it.
Continue to take good care of yourself sweetie.
Tolstoy out.
*kisses tw on the cheek*
With love,
~JoannaPosted 07-01-2016 at 01:44 PM by Joan Sky
Updated 07-02-2016 at 08:12 AM by Joan Sky -
Maybe something will happen. Maybe it won't.
I have no doubt you and her are both apprehensive, but also maybe looking for an opening.
Having fun is what is most important. So I hope neither of you feel a need to rush.
Then again, because you have a history, I'm sure if you end up falling into bed together tomorrow night, everything will still work out fine. But I am glad that that isn't the direct you are taking this.
Good things are worth a wait, and I'm sure you both see each other as a good thing.Posted 07-01-2016 at 05:01 PM by ksoma
