A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Titles: Don't call me Miss!
Posted 07-19-2018 at 10:42 AM by Butterfly
Titles can be great. They can be used to show respect, love, ownership ... and much more. In BDSM, they are usually a big deal.
Whether you call somebody Sir, Master, Princess, Goddess, Miss, Mistress, Lord, Daddy, Owner, Protector, Butthead (:P) ... for me, titles should be earned, not assumed.
I only call one man Sir and that is Mr. Devious. He is MINE! Nobody else has the right to call him Sir.
Only one person gets to call me Miss, and that is Jaro. (I do make an exception in the Mistress May I Thread, anybody asking a question must ask using the title "Mistress".) Nobody else gets to call me Miss.
I am usually pretty easy going when somebody gives me a title without my permission. I politely ask them not to call me Miss, Mistress, Ma'am etc. Instead, I remind them to just call me Butterfly. That is my name afterall. However, my patience wears thin when they tell me it is a rule that they HAVE to call people by a title.
I understand that some people find titles to be respectful, and I get where they are coming from. I try to be non judgmental and allow others to do D/s the way that suits them. If you want to have a rule where all D titles and names are capitalized and s titles and names are not, please do! If you want your sub to refer to you as Lord of the Whole Entire Kink Universe, please, by all means ... but I don't like it when others are forced to be involved in your rules.
I have had this argument with a handful of people in chat recently. They have a rule where they are required to call all Dom/mes or all females or all people by a title. When I politely explain that I do not wish to be called a title, and they inform me that I have no choice, that pisses me off.
I don't think I am the only one who feels that titles should be earned, and not assumed. I understand that most of the time these rules are coming from a place of trying to be respectful BUT it becomes disrespectful when you force a title upon me without my permission.
I should also warn you ... I will get a little territorial and jealous if somebody starts to call Devious, MY Dom, "Sir". He is MINE! Not yours! Back off barbie!
Whether you call somebody Sir, Master, Princess, Goddess, Miss, Mistress, Lord, Daddy, Owner, Protector, Butthead (:P) ... for me, titles should be earned, not assumed.
I only call one man Sir and that is Mr. Devious. He is MINE! Nobody else has the right to call him Sir.
Only one person gets to call me Miss, and that is Jaro. (I do make an exception in the Mistress May I Thread, anybody asking a question must ask using the title "Mistress".) Nobody else gets to call me Miss.
I am usually pretty easy going when somebody gives me a title without my permission. I politely ask them not to call me Miss, Mistress, Ma'am etc. Instead, I remind them to just call me Butterfly. That is my name afterall. However, my patience wears thin when they tell me it is a rule that they HAVE to call people by a title.
I understand that some people find titles to be respectful, and I get where they are coming from. I try to be non judgmental and allow others to do D/s the way that suits them. If you want to have a rule where all D titles and names are capitalized and s titles and names are not, please do! If you want your sub to refer to you as Lord of the Whole Entire Kink Universe, please, by all means ... but I don't like it when others are forced to be involved in your rules.
I have had this argument with a handful of people in chat recently. They have a rule where they are required to call all Dom/mes or all females or all people by a title. When I politely explain that I do not wish to be called a title, and they inform me that I have no choice, that pisses me off.
I don't think I am the only one who feels that titles should be earned, and not assumed. I understand that most of the time these rules are coming from a place of trying to be respectful BUT it becomes disrespectful when you force a title upon me without my permission.
I should also warn you ... I will get a little territorial and jealous if somebody starts to call Devious, MY Dom, "Sir". He is MINE! Not yours! Back off barbie!
Total Comments 12
Comments
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I know that this blog is directed at the BDSM community, but as a politeness in the vanilla world, are you okay with people using sir / miss / ma'am (notice everyone that I'm using lowercase; this is purely referencing vanilla world not BDSM protocols)?
Just an honest curiosity. I know that some people (in the vanilla world) hate to have those titles used with them while some people are raised being told to always use them as a sign of respect to others.Posted 07-19-2018 at 12:08 PM by Blue Fox 
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I HATE Ma'am! It makes me feel 70 no matter if it is in the kink community or not.
As for sir and miss, I am still not a fan. I understand if it is used out of respect, and I won't be offended, unless they continue to force that title on me. I would much rather be addressed by Mr. Ms. or Mrs. and my last name if somebody wants to be polite. I will still insist they call me by my first name though.Posted 07-19-2018 at 12:18 PM by Butterfly
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Isn't Ms. the short version of miss? (I honestly thought it was...)Quote:Originally Posted by Butterfly
I HATE Ma'am! It makes me feel 70 no matter if it is in the kink community or not.
As for sir and miss, I am still not a fan. I understand if it is used out of respect, and I won't be offended, unless they continue to force that title on me. I would much rather be addressed by Mr. Ms. or Mrs. and my last name if somebody wants to be polite. I will still insist they call me by my first name though.Posted 07-19-2018 at 12:20 PM by Blue Fox
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It is, but is different when it is Miss on its own compared to Ms. (last name).Quote:Originally Posted by Blue Fox
Isn't Ms. the short version of miss? (I honestly thought it was...)
Posted 07-19-2018 at 12:32 PM by Butterfly
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Gotcha. Around these parts (southern US), a lot of people say "miss" (or Ms.) when addressing a female or sir when addressing a male. Especially employees to the customers.
Okay. Question asked and answered. Danke!Posted 07-19-2018 at 12:34 PM by Blue Fox
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Ms. is generally interpreted as Miz... which I understand to be a term intended to incorporate both the Miss and Mrs courtesies for women without it mattering if they are unmarried or not.Quote:Originally Posted by Blue Fox
Isn't Ms. the short version of miss? (I honestly thought it was...)
As for people who are required to call others by a title of respect, I have no problem with it as a general rule (I lived for a bit in the American south, where a child failing to address any adult as Sir or Ma'am when responding to a question can merit punishment, so I know it can be powerful and important for some) - - but once someone has asked the person specifically not to address them a certain way, it becomes disrespectful to continue using that title. Therefore, while I think it's a fine rule on its own, anyone who insists their rule to "be polite" overrides an individual's preference, they - - and by extension, their Dominant - - are behaving poorly. Especially in a bdsm context, where titles are often earned by hard work and exceptional care.Posted 07-19-2018 at 12:35 PM by kurious kat
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It's a tad sad, but I suspect the people reading this blog post are exclusively those who would not call you any of those titles if you wouldn't want them to.
I tend to just ignore people who ignore me. Works well enough, and, if I'm honest, I don't usually feel like I'm missing out.Posted 07-19-2018 at 01:26 PM by knorke
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I know the question is not directed towards me but want to share my views.Quote:Originally Posted by Blue Fox
I know that this blog is directed at the BDSM community, but as a politeness in the vanilla world, are you okay with people using sir / miss / ma'am (notice everyone that I'm using lowercase; this is purely referencing vanilla world not BDSM protocols)?
Just an honest curiosity. I know that some people (in the vanilla world) hate to have those titles used with them while some people are raised being told to always use them as a sign of respect to others.
A word can have different meanings/ interpretation and the perceived context in which it is used determines it's interpretation. So when it is used in this site I would always take it as the BDSM meaning of Domme while in the vanilla world I would interpret it in vanilla context and have no issues with the latter. The bias could be in my perception even if the intent of the title user on gd is in the vanilla context. But thats how it is for me and I do not respond well when unsolicited titles are used for me wrt BDSM or on kink sites.Posted 07-20-2018 at 01:06 PM by nina@
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I hate this SO freaking much!!
When people message me with "Hi Miss...." I immediately go on the defensive because I am not their miss. If they continue after I have pointed that out to them then it's their own fault when they get a bitch rant at them. Only one person can use that title with me and it certainly isn't some random idiot who doesn't respect that I don't want it forced on me.
A long time ago I did a thread that was similar to a vs thread with another gD member. A mutual friend ran it for us and set the tasks and one of the tasks was to address everyone as sir or ma'am...most people were okay with it but there were a few who asked me not to do that - and so I immediately stopped and used their name or screen name. It isn't difficult to respect someone's wishes and it's just a dick move to force things on others.Posted 07-20-2018 at 02:24 PM by IceMaiden
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I feel like it is a consent thing. I did not consent to be part of your play, so your rules should not apply to me. Also if the rule's purpose is to be respectful, then isn't it not respectful to disobey someone's wishes when they ask for you to refrain from someone? When they tell you to suck it up it is very rude. I know it can be a minor thing depending on the person and the weight they give to titles, but I also feel that it takes away from the word to use Mistress or Sir to refer to everyone. For instance if Butterfly called others Sir, it would take away from the meaning it has with your relationship to Mr. Devious.Posted 07-20-2018 at 02:52 PM by Wedgiebondagebabe
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This also goes to how people are introduced / taught. In *some* communities, they do address all dominants as either Sir or Ms. unless the person is the owner, then it is Master or Mistress. (I know that from experience; the community I was in was on LINE.)
Again, though, if someone on there asked not to be addressed like that, you were to respect their wishes; that was just the "default" address. I can understand people having a "default" on here, but if they are told that someone prefers to be addressed in another manner, it should be respected and becomes a failure of the person who is using the title.Posted 07-20-2018 at 03:11 PM by Blue Fox
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It very much is about the context as well. If somebody calls me Miss while I am on the street, then I know they aren't presuming that I am going to dominant them. However, when somebody starts referring to me as Miss in chat or in a private message, it immediately makes me feel as though as want something from me.
Again, I understand that some communities or relationships use titles as a sign of respect or to make the slave/sub "know their place", but for me it comes counter productive when they don't respect your wishes once they are known.Posted 07-22-2018 at 10:18 AM by Butterfly
