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Ramblings of a Nymphet
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I'm not enough but at least I'm boring enough

Posted 09-05-2018 at 11:43 PM by lilith_

I have always had the feeling that I am not good enough. In sports, art, theater, school, appearance but also now this stupid feeling has expanded into my kinky side. First of all, let me tell you that I understand that what I am about to say is complete bullshit, however I can't stop myself from getting sad over this.

Lately I have been a little sad over the fact that I am boring, more specifically a boring sub. I have heard endless reassurring that this is not the case and that I shouldn't compare myself to others because BDSM is not a competition. And that is right. I agree. However I still feel like I am boring.

There are so many things that I want to try, and some many other things that I wish I could do, but there is something holding me back. I suffer from Complex PTSD, depersonalization/derealization, severe anxiety and depression. Isn't that lovely? I am not listing these to make you feel pitty for me, I just want to explain my point (and hopefully hear someone else's point of view that is/has been in a somewhat similar position).

Most things kink-wise are things that could easily trigger me and throw me in a really bad headspace. It's happened before and it will happen again, that's how it works and my partners and I have to accept it. Pain, anal, humiliation, slapping, hair pulling, name calling are all things that I like but they are also things that could make me want to die in an instant. For that reason I have been avoiding most of the things that I want to try, especially the more extreme ones like gaping, watersports, degradation and exposure. I really want to one day be able to do these and get enjoyment out of it, however I do not want to push. I do not want to make myself go through a trigger so I do not push. However that makes me feel like I am too boring. There is not much I can do in BDSM and that makes me very very sad.

However, I left some good news for the end of this blog. I was so afraid to try anal again because last time I did it didn't go well at all. But last night I did it. And there was no pain at all. And I liked it! And my pussy was so wet

As D says: "Baby steps". I'm getting there, it is just going to get some time. But until then, I will have to deal with the fact that I am boring compared to everyone else.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Joan Sky's Avatar
    You, boring? Compared to everyone else? Don't make me laugh sweetie.

    You said it yourself ~ it's simply not true

    *hug*

    Posted 09-06-2018 at 01:58 AM by Joan Sky Joan Sky is offline
  2. Old Comment
    mmhmm345's Avatar
    Obviously you're not my sub - I'm yours.
    But even in your dominant side, you're so much fun

    It's odd that you said, "and hopefully hear that's from someone that's been in my position." Because I also deal with anxiety, depression, ADD, ADHD, and a tad bit of OCD. Funny how people with similar things going on get paired together, huh? With that, I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, because no one can. No one knows exactly your struggles because your struggle is unique to you, mine to me, Hitler to Hitler's, you get it.
    But I do wonder if I'm boring or talking to much or annoying or rambling or saying something at the wrong time or waking you up or freaking you outorcausingyoustressorscaringyouoffor...
    You get it.

    But when I hear from you, "that report is amazing. Youre doing a great job." Or, "I'm proud of you, buttslut." OR, *insert cheeky comment about how fun it is to torture me*, it reminds me that I have to read between the lines. You're having fun with me. And I'm having fun with you. And that calms me down. And takes away just a bit of anxiety. And takes away a bit of my obsessiveness. And makes my weirdly hyperactive, easily distractive brain chill out just a bit. Just enough to have a clear head to remember that you wouldn't have chosen me, and vice versa, if we didn't think each other were fun.

    All that to say, I empathize with you. I don't know your struggle exactly, because it's your struggle. But I do understand my struggle. And it sounds like it may be a little similar.
    Just remember that when D says he's proud of you, he means it. And let that wash some of your doubt away.
    Posted 09-06-2018 at 02:22 AM by mmhmm345 mmhmm345 is offline
    Updated 09-06-2018 at 05:41 AM by mmhmm345
  3. Old Comment
    Joan Sky's Avatar
    Wow mmhmm345! Beautiful heartfelt words!

    You go boy! Go on with your bad self!
    Posted 09-06-2018 at 02:32 AM by Joan Sky Joan Sky is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Ly Ph's Avatar
    Feeling like you are boring is not unusual. We exist in a space in which there are people who will do thousands of a thing you may be able to only do one or two of. The key is not to focus on what other people can/are willing to do and focus on your self and your own accomplishments. I did x and I have never done x quite like this or as much as I have just done it. Its not about what you do its about how that is for you. Plus hypothetically lets say you just dived into your fantasies head first and everything was fine how long would it be before you said you think you were boring for only doing them and not pushing?

    Oh and this isn't a sub only thing. Even as a domme there is the worry that you are not doing enough and being boring.
    Posted 09-06-2018 at 09:56 AM by Ly Ph Ly Ph is offline
 

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