A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Why I want my sub to safeword
Posted 07-24-2018 at 09:26 AM by Butterfly
I am a big advocate of safewords. I have written previous blogs about them here:
Rainbow of Communication
Safewords in Online Relationships
To summarize, I believe that a safeword should be used in ALL D/s dynamics. I know that some people choose to play without them, but I think they are essential and I do not play with others without having a safeword, and actually I typically have multiple safewords.
That being said, one of the first things that I do with a new sub, is to force them to safeword.
Now, I know a lot of people view safewording as a bad things. It means that the Dom/me must have taken things too far right? Well, I don't view it that way.
A safeword is meant to be used! So when I first start with a new sub, I put them in a controlled and safe situation and force them to safeword. How do I do this?
One of the techniques I use is extreme cold. I will have them hold and squeeze an icecube. The pain that this causes is usually enough that somebody can't do it for more than a minute, long before the ice melts. It is something that won't cause them any physical harm, or long term effects, but it is very trying and difficult and they have no choice but to cry out their safeword if they want to stop. Based on the individual sub I have other ways to force a safeword as well, but I find this one is very simple, safe and effective.
Why do I force a safeword? Because I want them to be comfortable using it. I want them to know it is ok. To show them there are no consequences. There is no need to be afraid. I also want them to practice saying it.
So many people are afraid of using a safeword. Dom/mes don't want to hear it because they feel as though it means they failed. Subs don't want to use it because they don't want to be punished, or to feel as though they let their Dom/me down. I think it is very important to not only communicate with each other that this is NOT what the safeword means, but to also show your sub that it is ok. By having them say the safeword in a controlled environment, you can control your reaction and be prepared to deal with any negative feelings that may occur. Practicing this together, will better prepare you for a situation where a safeword is used in the future.
Practice makes perfect. When you are panicked and in a situation where you need to stop, your safeword might be the last thing that you think of saying. Practicing the use of your safeword, keeps it fresh in your mind and you are more likely to be able to recall it in a moment of panick or distress.
Now, I know some people use the argument that a Dom should know when to stop, way before a safeword is used. However, this is not always the case. First, it is hard to know the exact parameters of a subs limits when you are first entering into a relationship. I would much rather have my sub safeword and tell me when I am getting close, or when I have reached that limit, than have them get hurt physically or mentally, or scare them away. Second, once you have made it through the beginning part of a relationship, at some point you may want to push limits. I cannot safely push my subs limits if I am not confident that they are going to safeword when needed.
Just as my sub needs to trust that I will honor their safeword and be there to protect and care for them if it is used, I need to trust that my sub will USE the safeword.
Of course, this doesn't mean that I can just go off and do whatever I want until they safeword. As a Domme, I still have a great responsibility. I still need to be checking in and monitoring my sub, because a safeword isn't fail proof. When my sub is in subspace or a similar state, they may not have the ability to think about safewording. The safeword doesn't take away my duty to care and protect them. But it is an important tool to have, AND to use!
I want my sub to safeword!
Rainbow of Communication
Safewords in Online Relationships
To summarize, I believe that a safeword should be used in ALL D/s dynamics. I know that some people choose to play without them, but I think they are essential and I do not play with others without having a safeword, and actually I typically have multiple safewords.
That being said, one of the first things that I do with a new sub, is to force them to safeword.
Now, I know a lot of people view safewording as a bad things. It means that the Dom/me must have taken things too far right? Well, I don't view it that way.
A safeword is meant to be used! So when I first start with a new sub, I put them in a controlled and safe situation and force them to safeword. How do I do this?
One of the techniques I use is extreme cold. I will have them hold and squeeze an icecube. The pain that this causes is usually enough that somebody can't do it for more than a minute, long before the ice melts. It is something that won't cause them any physical harm, or long term effects, but it is very trying and difficult and they have no choice but to cry out their safeword if they want to stop. Based on the individual sub I have other ways to force a safeword as well, but I find this one is very simple, safe and effective.
Why do I force a safeword? Because I want them to be comfortable using it. I want them to know it is ok. To show them there are no consequences. There is no need to be afraid. I also want them to practice saying it.
So many people are afraid of using a safeword. Dom/mes don't want to hear it because they feel as though it means they failed. Subs don't want to use it because they don't want to be punished, or to feel as though they let their Dom/me down. I think it is very important to not only communicate with each other that this is NOT what the safeword means, but to also show your sub that it is ok. By having them say the safeword in a controlled environment, you can control your reaction and be prepared to deal with any negative feelings that may occur. Practicing this together, will better prepare you for a situation where a safeword is used in the future.
Practice makes perfect. When you are panicked and in a situation where you need to stop, your safeword might be the last thing that you think of saying. Practicing the use of your safeword, keeps it fresh in your mind and you are more likely to be able to recall it in a moment of panick or distress.
Now, I know some people use the argument that a Dom should know when to stop, way before a safeword is used. However, this is not always the case. First, it is hard to know the exact parameters of a subs limits when you are first entering into a relationship. I would much rather have my sub safeword and tell me when I am getting close, or when I have reached that limit, than have them get hurt physically or mentally, or scare them away. Second, once you have made it through the beginning part of a relationship, at some point you may want to push limits. I cannot safely push my subs limits if I am not confident that they are going to safeword when needed.
Just as my sub needs to trust that I will honor their safeword and be there to protect and care for them if it is used, I need to trust that my sub will USE the safeword.
Of course, this doesn't mean that I can just go off and do whatever I want until they safeword. As a Domme, I still have a great responsibility. I still need to be checking in and monitoring my sub, because a safeword isn't fail proof. When my sub is in subspace or a similar state, they may not have the ability to think about safewording. The safeword doesn't take away my duty to care and protect them. But it is an important tool to have, AND to use!
I want my sub to safeword!
Total Comments 5
Comments
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I actually could hold the ice cube much longer, do you remember Miss?
I do use them. I recently had to use my safe word when I put a new type of muscle heat cream on my asshole, cock and balls. The pain was literally unbearable! I am glad I could!Posted 07-24-2018 at 09:40 AM by Jaro 
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Yes I do. You are an anomaly. But I do remember that I was able to make you safeword other ways when we did those trials.Quote:Originally Posted by Jaro
I actually could hold the ice cube much longer, do you remember Miss?
I do use them. I recently had to use my safe word when I put a new type of muscle heat cream on my asshole, cock and balls. The pain was literally unbearable! I am glad I could!
And yes, you do safeword when needed, and that makes me very happy.Posted 07-24-2018 at 09:42 AM by Butterfly
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I agree with you safe words are a must in any D/s play for all the reasons you named in your other blogs. The sad thing is that some people don't use/have safe words.Posted 07-24-2018 at 10:49 AM by CagedHiruzen
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I agree that there should be multiple safe words. Example: "Yellow" to indicate that things are getting hard / you are nearing your limit. Dom/me knows to be more cautious / aware.
"Red": Limit reached. Stop the play.
Just examples. I wish I could put a "LIKE" on this blog post.Posted 07-24-2018 at 02:45 PM by Blue Fox
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Honestly, I think a safeword in any relationship is a smart thing as it doesn't just establish a way to stop things if something serious happens it also provides a talking point for honesty and being truthful to each other. Now granted it probably won't be needed nearly as much in a vanilla relationship but being safe is better than being sorryPosted 07-25-2018 at 11:18 PM by Tempting_rebuttal
