A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
My Mental Health and D/s
Posted 07-23-2018 at 09:00 PM by Butterfly
Since my mental health was recently mentioned by a concerned member of this community, I thought I would write this blog to help alleviate any concerns, and maybe shed some light on my mental health and how it effects my D/s relationships.
I am a fairly open person. I have over 320 blogs posted on getDare and they range from kinky reports to romantic/sweet love notes to my husband/Dom. It includes tales of my little adventures, and lists of toys and tasks that I want to do. You can read about my journey as a sub, and as a Domme. Spread throughout, you will find blogs about very serious issues. Some of my struggles with self harm, past abuse and sexual assault, as well as general anxiety, grief, and being grumpy.
Life is hard. Even those who appear to have it all together, have struggles. Adulting is hard, and sometimes it downright stinks. I don't hide that. I struggle. I have days where I am so grumpy that I don't want to talk to anybody. I have days where I feel panicky and on the verge of an anxiety attack. I have days where I just want to cry for one reason or another, or maybe for no reason at all. I have days where I am hurting (physical or mental), sad, tired, grumpy, sick ...
... but that doesn't make me an incapable Domme, sub, wife, friend, or play partner.
I am very self aware. I know myself very well. So well in fact, that the many times I have been to counselling, I have been discharged within a few sessions because I am able to explain to the counselor exactly what my problem is, what is causing it and I can make a likely guess on how to fix it. However, I need that guidance to follow through and make the changes needed to help alleviate the problem.
I know when I need a break.
Every now and then, I will feel overwhelmed with life. I take on a lot of responsibility in my everyday life. Not only do I have a husband who I try my best to support, but I have his family with health concerns, my family who have legal, financial, health, and other personal concerns. I work full time in a position where I deal with people and their concerns everyday. I try to be the best friend that I can be. I mod this site. I have a sub and a Dom, and I try to be active here as well in my social life. I am busy!!! I don't think it is any indication of my mental well-being if I sometimes get stressed and feel the need to take a step back from my responsibilities.
On top of general feelings of "adulting sucks", I do sometimes struggle with anxiety and/or depression. Again, these are not diagnosed conditions, but I am aware enough to know that it is how I feel. Sometimes I will wake up and feel tight in the chest for no reason. Or I will have an anxiety attack randomly.
How does this affect my D/s relationships?
As a sub, it is rather easy to deal with. I can simply safeword and tell my Dom/husband or play partner what is going on. I usually give them a heads up in the "getting to know you" stage of the relationship. I always let them know what is possible, and how often it happens (which isn't too often), as well as what to expect from me, and what I expect from them in return in these instances.
As a Domme however, I have a lot more responsibility. At the beginning of any relationship we discuss the possibility of me requiring a break. I even sometimes implement a "safeword" or two of sorts for myself. One is usually a quick indicator if I am in little space and the other indicates that I need some space and that I am ok but we will talk soon.
I never Domme when I am in little space, when I have been drinking or when I am struggling with anxiety, depression, thoughts of self harm, or even when I am overly grumpy, sad, mad etc. It is not responsible to do so.
Even if I use a safeword with my sub, I always come back afterwards and explain the situation. I never "poof" without indication or explanation. And if I am not able to, I always arrange for Mr. Devious to relay a message if needed (ie. when i was dealing with my miscarriage).
The fact is, everybody has struggles. Maybe that is being bipolar, or maybe it is just being an emotional bitch when on your period. It could be from grief or other short term stresses, or it can be a long term problem like anxiety. Everybody has bad days, everybody has stress, everybody struggles. Does this mean that we shouldn't Domme somebody? or that we aren't capable of choosing submission? No! If we are self aware, communicate and take precautions, we can responsibly do D/s in a healthy way.
Of course, there are always exceptions to this rule, and that is when it may fall into the territory of possible abuse. This is something that the community needs to be aware of, and step in when needed. However, they also need to keep in mind that there is a lot that goes on behind the scenes in a relationship.
Even though I am very open with my struggles, and my D/s relationships, there is a lot of day to day communication and proceedings that you DON'T see. If you are concerned, ask! I am always happy to explain. I appreciate the concern for my partners, because I want what is best for them. I am not offended if you privately ask me or check in. However, telling me that I am not capable of domming because I don't like adulting, is not ok. Especially when done publicly.
I am a fairly open person. I have over 320 blogs posted on getDare and they range from kinky reports to romantic/sweet love notes to my husband/Dom. It includes tales of my little adventures, and lists of toys and tasks that I want to do. You can read about my journey as a sub, and as a Domme. Spread throughout, you will find blogs about very serious issues. Some of my struggles with self harm, past abuse and sexual assault, as well as general anxiety, grief, and being grumpy.
Life is hard. Even those who appear to have it all together, have struggles. Adulting is hard, and sometimes it downright stinks. I don't hide that. I struggle. I have days where I am so grumpy that I don't want to talk to anybody. I have days where I feel panicky and on the verge of an anxiety attack. I have days where I just want to cry for one reason or another, or maybe for no reason at all. I have days where I am hurting (physical or mental), sad, tired, grumpy, sick ...
... but that doesn't make me an incapable Domme, sub, wife, friend, or play partner.
I am very self aware. I know myself very well. So well in fact, that the many times I have been to counselling, I have been discharged within a few sessions because I am able to explain to the counselor exactly what my problem is, what is causing it and I can make a likely guess on how to fix it. However, I need that guidance to follow through and make the changes needed to help alleviate the problem.
I know when I need a break.
Every now and then, I will feel overwhelmed with life. I take on a lot of responsibility in my everyday life. Not only do I have a husband who I try my best to support, but I have his family with health concerns, my family who have legal, financial, health, and other personal concerns. I work full time in a position where I deal with people and their concerns everyday. I try to be the best friend that I can be. I mod this site. I have a sub and a Dom, and I try to be active here as well in my social life. I am busy!!! I don't think it is any indication of my mental well-being if I sometimes get stressed and feel the need to take a step back from my responsibilities.
On top of general feelings of "adulting sucks", I do sometimes struggle with anxiety and/or depression. Again, these are not diagnosed conditions, but I am aware enough to know that it is how I feel. Sometimes I will wake up and feel tight in the chest for no reason. Or I will have an anxiety attack randomly.
How does this affect my D/s relationships?
As a sub, it is rather easy to deal with. I can simply safeword and tell my Dom/husband or play partner what is going on. I usually give them a heads up in the "getting to know you" stage of the relationship. I always let them know what is possible, and how often it happens (which isn't too often), as well as what to expect from me, and what I expect from them in return in these instances.
As a Domme however, I have a lot more responsibility. At the beginning of any relationship we discuss the possibility of me requiring a break. I even sometimes implement a "safeword" or two of sorts for myself. One is usually a quick indicator if I am in little space and the other indicates that I need some space and that I am ok but we will talk soon.
I never Domme when I am in little space, when I have been drinking or when I am struggling with anxiety, depression, thoughts of self harm, or even when I am overly grumpy, sad, mad etc. It is not responsible to do so.
Even if I use a safeword with my sub, I always come back afterwards and explain the situation. I never "poof" without indication or explanation. And if I am not able to, I always arrange for Mr. Devious to relay a message if needed (ie. when i was dealing with my miscarriage).
The fact is, everybody has struggles. Maybe that is being bipolar, or maybe it is just being an emotional bitch when on your period. It could be from grief or other short term stresses, or it can be a long term problem like anxiety. Everybody has bad days, everybody has stress, everybody struggles. Does this mean that we shouldn't Domme somebody? or that we aren't capable of choosing submission? No! If we are self aware, communicate and take precautions, we can responsibly do D/s in a healthy way.
Of course, there are always exceptions to this rule, and that is when it may fall into the territory of possible abuse. This is something that the community needs to be aware of, and step in when needed. However, they also need to keep in mind that there is a lot that goes on behind the scenes in a relationship.
Even though I am very open with my struggles, and my D/s relationships, there is a lot of day to day communication and proceedings that you DON'T see. If you are concerned, ask! I am always happy to explain. I appreciate the concern for my partners, because I want what is best for them. I am not offended if you privately ask me or check in. However, telling me that I am not capable of domming because I don't like adulting, is not ok. Especially when done publicly.
Total Comments 8
Comments
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Sometimes the strongest people of all are those dealing with the most shit. This is something I think you have told me and I know for a fact the friends that know my struggles have told me. They have told me I am brave and strong for putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward with life. I want to tell you this too. You are one of the strongest people I have ever met. In fact, the more I see you get attacked, or life throws you down, the more I see you rise like a phoenix even stronger. When we had the issue with him that shall not be named, it was handled and you moved on, instead of shutting yourself off from people, you started helping more people with the kink mentoring group, adding to the site. When you miscarried, I am 99/99% positive there was a day or two I was an utter mess (you miscarried around the same time I was almost homeless for a period and was dealing with my shitty roommate), you have put your shit storm aside to help me deal with mine. If people don't see that for strong, then they are wrong because you are a beautiful and strong woman for dealing with everything you do. I love you so much because you have one of the largest hearts I have ever seen. I work at two jobs where I have to be "on" for 6-10 hours straight and I come home and crash. You come on and you mod here, you put up with people berrating you and you put up with all your personal struggles. It really is admirable.
I love complimenting you and thanking you for your work because people do not realize the amount of work you do in the forefront and behind the scenes. You put up with a lot of bullshit and you deserve recognition because 95% of the time you keep a level head. The other 5% of the time, if you get mad, well the people probably deserve whats coming because you are usually pretty calm.
My next point is this. So many people I am friends with on here struggle from anxiety, depression, abuse, suicidal thoughts, personality disorder, stress, being busy and you know what, this has become a community for all of us "broken" souls to find each other and support each other through the shitty times we are all facing. The reason we come to find people here is because a lot of us do not have the people in our real lives to go to. We come here to find camaraderie. We are all struggling to discover the pieces of ourselves that society shames or terrible misshows. We come here to find a sense of belonging and we find each other. The hurt find each other and because of our own personal struggles we work to build each other up.
Are we all 100% mentally sane? Fuck no. If you are, I want to know your secret or what trust fund you are living off of in your Caribbean Island home. We all have stresses whether it be school, a job, children, a dorky bf we love, but he drives you nuts ( I love you Nate
), and more things that make life crazy.
At the end of the day, we need to spread love and not hate either. Yes some of us try to be open. I have been using my blogs as a bitch book lately. But just because some parts of our lives are public, doesn't mean that we want a mental health discussion private. I might talk about some of my story personally, but I do not want everything all over this website for you all to read. There are going to be secrets I keep for myself.
It is great to be there for one another, but using mental illness as a reason why someone shouldn't practice a kink? For some people, a good spanking is a safer way to get out of the habit of cutting. For some people, acting like a child is a good stress relief (SLIME!!!!!!!!!) For some people, working really hard for an orgasm after 3 months of exhausting and intense tasks and scenes, thats what they really need to feel whole. And for someone, it might be delivering a good spanking ( this one helps my boyfriend, but I make sure to stop him from hitting my ass, if he goes too far, or starts to get that way). We all have our ways of dealing with things. Lets be nice and help each other out. Lets also help out in relationships that might be abusive or mentally too much, but lets be kind about it.Posted 07-23-2018 at 10:11 PM by Wedgiebondagebabe 
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Despite the fact i'm not knowing you as well as others on gD do, my impression of you is fairly strong, open minded and helpful lady. Your blogs helped me figuring out quite some things and i want to say: Thank you for being there!Posted 07-23-2018 at 11:00 PM by Trebaldin
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You might want to read my reply again.Quote:However, telling me that I am not capable of domming because I don't like adulting, is not ok. Especially when done publicly.
I was commenting on your very public blogs about blackmail and findom. You will see that I never stated that you are incapable of domming. I simply asked how you think you can manage the huge added amount of control that comes with blackmail and findom, taking all your other (public) blogs into account, and how you think you will deal with possible consequences.
I don't appreciate words being put into my mouthPosted 07-23-2018 at 11:54 PM by little pet
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One of the things I find awesome (in the original sense, not the modern Internet sense of "cool!") about you is that you remain helpful, informative, supportive, honest, polite and, yes! even friendly even when you are angry or upset.
I'm honestly in awe of you. I'm also more than just a little bit jealous. Had I had even an ounce of the stuff you are made of, I would have been a massive success in my former life (teaching, research).Posted 07-23-2018 at 11:57 PM by Cstelle
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Yeah, you and wedgiebondagebabe are really nice people and reading your posts and comments or just witnessing your good examples is refreshing. I try be like that also. Presence like that makes this a good place to be around, a strong community. We're all not perfect, there are times we may fall short and make mistakes or are on the wrong side of the fence but we can learn from our actions and admit to ourselves (at least) and others (at most) that even though what we may have done may have been unintentionally misguided it was ultimately done with good intentions although fear and worry for another may have skewed the perception, thoughts, and well-mannered delivery (to put it lightly). Everyone was a bit hurt, but everyone really cared about each other. And a tiny bit of temporary divisiveness outshined unity for a moment but it didn't last. Because we are better and stronger people than that. We all have been through a lot and have more patience and understanding and open-mindness. And we know when to admit our faults and say sorry. No public display necessary.
I post positive comments, and even if someone isn't in my friend's list or pm'ed by me doesn't mean I don't consider them a friend silently. I'm just an introvert and somewhat shy, so may keep it to public comments unless I feel comfortable... and if it's not nice, I don't have to say anything. But if I do, I try to do it gracefully, politely, and as discreet as possible so I would pm someone then, but I'm not usually around drama. I'm a good judge of character often enough and other people's lives aren't really my business. Don't get me wrong, I do care. I respect others lives and wishes even if it is different than mine. If have a concern I can always discuss it friendly like an mature adult.
Like I said, people make mistakes sometimes but as long as we're aware of what we did and how we could improve that's a step in the right direction. And there's always forgiveness to each other.Everyone would be SOL if it wasn't for forgiveness and another chance ~ because no one is perfect.
Compassion, understanding, and supportiveness is what makes the world go round and make a strong, lasting community. We need to avoid needless nitpicking, pettiness, and bitterness because everyone is more important and better than that. Yeah we may have mispoke, regret afterward, retaliated, got hurt on both sides with witness casulties to boot, but there is no need for a painful transition or adjustment.
Someone needs to take the first step. Like ~ "Let's talk privately shall we (and not react impulsively in public from this point on)?"
Forget our bruised egos, we can move forward positively together as long as everyone tries to make amends, leave it to rot in the past, and continue peacefully. If we're going to perpetuate something, let's make it good. If we're going to spin a record around, let's make it a nice one to dance to.
It's two in the morning here, so I'm sorry if I sound like a sleepyhead
Posted 07-24-2018 at 12:07 AM by Joan Sky
Updated 07-24-2018 at 01:28 AM by Joan Sky -
@wedgiebondagebabe: Very well written. I think very similar. The number of people with mental issues is pretty significant though I don't have any statistics. I agree with the statement by Erich Fromm: "We are all broken." Lucky are those aware of their brokeness, luckier those who can openly admit and speak about it.
@little pet: just an observation from my perspective, you may not have said so, but to me you very first reply came over to me (not your fault how it came over to me but also fact as it is) as a challenge mainly based on two unfair, invalid arguments - mental health issues and litte space. It seemed to assume the time of both would mix with the time of domming. I find it especially unfair since we want ourselves to open up, blog and share. So please don't turn that against people anytime. Everyone may be weak from time to time and still take up responsibility when they aren't, or even while they are weak if the risk is reasonable. Don't drink and drive. Don't domme while you are mess. But you can drink and drive with according time difference between.
If you leave those criticism out, I am all fine with your worries and care.Posted 07-24-2018 at 02:19 AM by CSasha
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@Cassandra
You’re right, I haven’t said that.Posted 07-24-2018 at 02:49 AM by little pet
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At the end of the day, regardless of what you say and what you mean, if it comes out a different way to the person you are saying it too, then it would be wise to have a private conversation to clear the air. I think any further public discussion from either of you is just going to turn into a mess.Quote:Originally Posted by little pet
@Cassandra
You’re right, I haven’t said that.
It sounds like there are a lot of miscommunications going on that need to be cleared up.
I am not putting the blame on anyones shoulder. I think emotions got high really quick and need to be cleared up when both parties can talk more calmly and less emotion driven.
If you really feel the need to duke it out, then do what you need to do, but I think everyone could benefit from taking a step back and having a I feel, you feel type conversation. I don't think it is doing either of you any good to keep going at it in public.
As I have said in my other responses. I think highly of both of you and think there is a misunderstanding here.Posted 07-24-2018 at 04:37 AM by Wedgiebondagebabe
