Funerals

***Sorry in advance for this very off topic blog post. It is just relevant to my life right now, and needed a sounding board for my feelings***

I hate funerals. I mean, nobody likes funerals, but I hate them more than most. In my 25 short years, I have had to attend 15-20 with half of those being people who were extremely close to me.

I am an emotional person. I believe that wearing my heart on my sleeve has hurt me in the past, but as much as I try, and against my better judgement, I just can't live any other way. Yes, I feel pain, hurt, sadness and anxiety more than the average person, but I also feel like I experience greater happiness, joy and pleasure.

Even though I have been hurt so many times before, I feel like in general, I smile a lot. Even when I am stressed, or dealing with a lot of things in my life.

Anyways, I digress ... being an emotional person, when somebody dies, no matter if that person is a stranger, an acquaintance, a distant family member, or a person who is very prominent and important in my life, I get sad.

But, the problem for me is showing those emotions. I may cry a lot ... I cry when I am happy, sad, mad, or stressed out ... I don't like to let me people see me that way. I know it doesn't make me weak, but I feel weak in those moments. I know its better than holding it in, but I still try. I am ashamed of my tears.

So funerals are extremely difficult for me.

I am heading to one in an hour and it is making me anxious ... It is a great aunt who I was close to when I was much younger. In my adult life, I haven't been as close to her as I should have. It is sad, but mostly I feel like I need to go to support other members of my family who were a lot closer.

I don't want to cry. I especially want to be strong for those around me who may need me. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to be vulnerable ...

But I know I will.