A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Brains ...
When I sat down to write this blog, it was meant to be about being selfish and how that can sometimes be a good thing. But I think I will leave that topic for another day.
I am sitting here, at my desk at work and I am cold. I am hungry. I have a headache. I am exhausted. I have a lump in my throat that I don't think will disappear until I allow myself to cry ... but I can't cry. I cried too many tears last week.
I feel like a zombie. I feel all of those things that I just listed, but at the same time, I feel numb.
I know there are stages to grief, and I have experienced a few of them over this past week: denial, anger, depression ... but I don't know if being a zombie is typically a part of grieving.
Last week was very traumatic both emotionally and physically for me. Mr. Devious was amazing. He stayed home from work and snuggled with me, he bought me flowers and chocolate, he gave me space to cry, but held me close when I needed him. He had the hard discussion with our close friends and family, sharing the news that I couldn't say out loud. He is my rock.
It's been a week and I feel like I should have reached acceptance. I should be feeling better and moving on. People go through what we did all the time. Are they this affected by it?
But instead, I sit here both being hyper-aware of all of these physical things: exhaustion, hunger, cold ... and yet numb to all of the emotional things: fear, sadness, anger ... I want to feel again ... I want to cry so I can release the tension building in my throat, my head, my chest.
I put on a smile at work. I laugh with my friends and coworkers, and even at Mr. Devious when he is being goofy. I give advice and participate in conversations, threads, discussions .... I try to act normal. But inside I am struggling. Nothing really feels normal yet. Everything is slightly different.
Even now, when I think I might be able to talk about it, I don't have the words to explain all of the things I am feeling.
So I just sit here: cold, hungry, tired, numb and I smile as I greet the person who comes through the door. A zombie in disguise.
I am sitting here, at my desk at work and I am cold. I am hungry. I have a headache. I am exhausted. I have a lump in my throat that I don't think will disappear until I allow myself to cry ... but I can't cry. I cried too many tears last week.
I feel like a zombie. I feel all of those things that I just listed, but at the same time, I feel numb.
I know there are stages to grief, and I have experienced a few of them over this past week: denial, anger, depression ... but I don't know if being a zombie is typically a part of grieving.
Last week was very traumatic both emotionally and physically for me. Mr. Devious was amazing. He stayed home from work and snuggled with me, he bought me flowers and chocolate, he gave me space to cry, but held me close when I needed him. He had the hard discussion with our close friends and family, sharing the news that I couldn't say out loud. He is my rock.
It's been a week and I feel like I should have reached acceptance. I should be feeling better and moving on. People go through what we did all the time. Are they this affected by it?
But instead, I sit here both being hyper-aware of all of these physical things: exhaustion, hunger, cold ... and yet numb to all of the emotional things: fear, sadness, anger ... I want to feel again ... I want to cry so I can release the tension building in my throat, my head, my chest.
I put on a smile at work. I laugh with my friends and coworkers, and even at Mr. Devious when he is being goofy. I give advice and participate in conversations, threads, discussions .... I try to act normal. But inside I am struggling. Nothing really feels normal yet. Everything is slightly different.
Even now, when I think I might be able to talk about it, I don't have the words to explain all of the things I am feeling.
So I just sit here: cold, hungry, tired, numb and I smile as I greet the person who comes through the door. A zombie in disguise.
Total Comments 9
Comments
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Hey butterfly
I really don't know what happened but can only guess. Whatever it is, please be strong but don't try to rush with absorbing your feelings and returning to normality if you need more time to heal. Everything gets better with time but don't try to time your feelings. It isn't possible. Take care
Posted 01-31-2018 at 09:57 AM by nina@ 
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Dear Butterfly,
As I am readfing this, the only thing I want to do is comfort you. But I don't know how.
I'm not the one to advice you or say other things, but what I am thinking is, you haven't had enough time to heal. I can feel from your words you have been hurt. And unfortunately these wounds can leave a mark.
Take care and take your time to heal. I am sure you will feel better in some time. Especially in the caring hands of Mr. Devious.Posted 01-31-2018 at 11:40 AM by Pariahterror
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Dear Butterfly,
I don't know what happened either. It sounds very sad. But better cry for days to laugh again, then being a Zombie, which isn't fun at all. Allow yourself to break down, so friends can pick you up and care. The saddest for me is when you are unable to cry at all.
I wish you a sad movie or a healthy spanking session in the arms of a person you can let yourself fall into, who cares for you.
Let yourself go for oncr. We try to keep ourselves together undrr all circumstances way too often anyway.
Whatever you do, I wish you the very best
Take your timePosted 01-31-2018 at 11:58 AM by CSasha
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This is just some random nonsense because I want to say something but I don't know what to say.
Just don't feel bad about not feeling good.
That some people are able to shrug off or get over the greatest disasters in "reasonable time" doesn't really speak well of them.
In a sense: it's not really up to you to decide how quickly you should be able to reach acceptance (if that is something you should do). I mean, it's not a decision you can make. So don't waste your energy on worrying about that.
Your smiles are still real although you feel like a zombie. Zombies don't bother smiling. You are still yourself even though you may now feel numb.
You need more time. (I have lots of it - but I don't know how to send it.)
*hug*Posted 01-31-2018 at 12:43 PM by Cstelle
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Have as many of these as you need.
I bet Mr.Devious will assist with delivery.
https://media.giphy.com/media/XpgOZHuDfIkoM/giphy.gif
Posted 01-31-2018 at 12:52 PM by MarvHarvey
Updated 01-31-2018 at 01:10 PM by Butterfly (Trying to make the giff work) -
Dear Mrs. Butterfly,
Take all the time you need. There is no "proper amount of time" to heal emotionally. We're all different people. We feel things differently. Only you know when you are ready to move on. I am glad that Mr. Devious is being the charming "Knight in shiny armor" that you need him to be. We all care about you.
<this is short because I couldn't think of anything witty / funny / whimsical to cheer you up nor have any sage advice to help out>Posted 01-31-2018 at 04:10 PM by Blue Fox
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Although we all love happy butterfly, we love you in any form. Take all the time you need. Be as selfish as you want. It's going to time. No one can ask you to just move past it. I love you gorgeous. It will be okay eventually.Posted 01-31-2018 at 07:45 PM by Wedgiebondagebabe
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Butterfly,
Please, please, please don't hold your emotions in. Let them out. Scream, cry, yell, do what you need to but don't hold them in, and when you do what you need to do, don't reign it in.
By holding it all in and not talking about it with people when it's fresh it will be harder to get over. While you might be able to move on with your life, you can still get stuck emotionally.
Anyway, I'm not trying to drag you down more here. I just want you to realize what holding things in can do to you. Please just talk about it and deal with it, no matter how much it hurts now, because if you wait it will be even harder to do.Posted 01-31-2018 at 08:17 PM by alex_carter
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My Dearest Butterfly (and her wonderful husband):
I must express my concerns, in the nicest way possible. Please don't hate me. I've known you for a little while, and you are the nicest, kindest, and most generous of souls. You give freely of your time, your thoughts, your emotions. You share both your pleasure and your pain so that others may learn. It is a joy to know you.
This time, though, I worry that you are not being as kind, as generous, and as nice as you usually would be. If it were a friend going through your current pain (whatever it may be), would you be so harsh as to tell them they should be feeling better and moving on? Would you tell them that loads of people go through this and wonder if they shouldn't be so affected?
I think not. I think you would be nice, kind, generous. You would know just what to do, and that would be to hug them and love them and let them take the time they needed, without judgement & without comparison. You wouldn't even think such things, as none of us are thinking about you now. You are wise, and you know that every person is different. Even for a friend that appeared to move on quickly, I know that you know that what people look like outwardly is so very different to what they feel inside. That maybe they "moved on" not because they moved on, but because they wanted to look like they moved on.
The zombie feeling will wear off. Time does not always heal, but it softens. You adapt to the new normal. That is not to say you have moved on. There are some things (and you mention grieving), that will always be part of you. You will never "move on". And that's ok. There are some things you wouldn't want to move on from.
The sun rises, the sun sets. The world goes about their business, while you feel on pause. Yet, perhaps you are not the one who is a zombie? Perhaps the zombies are the ones rushing around, mindlessly unaware of their own place in the vastness of the universe. Perhaps, my friend, you are not the zombie, but the person briefly awaken from their slumber?
I know I am hardly ever here, and we do not talk like we once did. I hope my words are taken to be words of love, and not words of judgement. You are a most wonderful person, and so very loved. Re-read the responses from your friends, on this post and many others. And love yourself as others love you.
Your faithful and never present friend,
Madl
PS: I like your face.Posted 02-02-2018 at 04:57 AM by madl
