I feel you...I had this same experience, of having been once proud of being "an old soul" and ending up wishing to turn back. Maybe the correct verb is "have" not "had"...

Either way, great blog and hang in there! There's always hope for the future!

I know how hard it is to not let past experiences interfere with new ones. Our past makes us who we are, and sometimes that isn't a good thing. It sucks and it would be so much easier if we could just forgive and forget and let go and move on. but we can't. I can't.

So instead, we have to try to deal with it and work with it. I know what it is like to be cautious and to not want to let rely on somebody else to get us through that storm. But, you can't always be your own lighthouse, sometimes you need somebody else to help guide you and light your path. Not everybody is cut out for the job, but there are people out there who are willing to do the job, if only we let them.

One day you will find that person. Or maybe you already have them in your life and you just need to give them a chance to shine.

Either way, you will not be stranded at Sea forever. You will find your way home one day.

I am not one of the people who knows firsthand how emotional you have been (however, you should remember that I don't mind being that person if you want or need me), but I do know that the people who you trust the most to open yourself up to, are probably just grateful you did. It is so much better to have somebody to go to and open to than to keep yourself isolated and feel so alone. You are never alone on here.

I am really glad that Sinister is back and I hope you have had a chance to catch up. I am really glad that his messages were enough to help you through the time apart.

I agree it should be a rule that once you are together, there is no going away ever again.

*hugs*

Remember what we talked about? It's okay to let it all out and cry and be a total trainwreck! Those that love you don't mind and those that mind can go fuck themselves.

I need to respond to this far better than I can on a phone in a tent. For now I will say this:

I love you in your brokenness and I love your strength in carrying on regardless. I don't think you're beautiful because I haven't seen some flaw you keep hidden - I think you're beautiful because I've seen some of what you've been rebuilding out of those shattered pieces and it promises to be amazing.

I don't disregard the ugly. But neither do I believe that it in any way detracts from the rest of you.

And I'm very prepared for the abuse I will no doubt get for this

This is beautiful and hits a chord with me as I'm sure it does a lot of people. It brought tears to my eyes! It's brave to put it out here like this. Thank you for sharing it.

I want to say a lot of things. The main things I want to say is that soooooo many of us walk around with these scars. It is not hopeless to find someone that won't walk away when they see them, and there is something healing and really really beautiful in finding that person who can see all of it and not only sticks around, but respects you more for it, loves you more for it, and doesn't feel like they have to help you fix it. The buggers who walk away when they see the broken parts of our hearts and body are the ones who didnt deserve to see them in the first place, sharing those things is an intimate and trusting act that should be seen as a feat of strength.
Also: huggggssss

Stay Strong, Be Brave, in the end its only 9 days which could be alot longer. Plus you do have the ties to keep you busy. Though a interesting thought what else could you learn or try before he gets back to surprise him? Plus are you surprising him or he just walking in. You have 9 days to prepare for his return. Make it a positive , constructive time. Not a sad , frustrating one.

Yours THBW
Trying to Help

I love this! You express so well how you feel, but also how that push and pull most submissives feel.

I'm glad you're fully enjoying your necklace now.

I am very happy that you get to have a piece of him close to you at all times, that it makes you feel happy and safe even though you do have conflicting feelings.

I hope the anger eventually goes away and it is replaced by pure confidence in yourself and joy at being with your dom.

The feels are real

Ohhhhh I know exactly the feeling you are taking about. It only happens with the amazingly incredible doms. And seriously once you feel it you never want that person to ever ever leave. *hangs on tight to Deschut*

P.S. I loved this blog

This was a wonderfully uplifting blog post to read. THANK YOU for sharing such an intimate story about your experience. I'm so glad your dom was able to bring out these feelings in you.

Sleep paralysis is frightening.

[I wrote something more here, but I didn't like it, so I shortened it quite a bit, sorry]

Over the last few years my sexuality has changed too. I was seriously a lesbian, I had 0% interest in guys for about 20 years! Now I have no idea what my "label" is and I am okay with that. Some other people aren't, so I tell them my orientation is "I am open to what the universe brings." In the last few years I have had a few VERY enjoyable sexual experiences with men, and now Deschut has been my dommy for 2 years, and not only do I find him (and his entire personality) incredibly sexy, but I also seriously love the man. So. There.

I have seen increasingly a reluctance in some people to even define their sexuality, because it is so fluid, so varied, from person to person that defining it makes no sense. You shouldn't have to define it for anyone, or defend it when you do choose to define it and change that definition. As you said it's yours, and I applaud you for focusing on your sexuality being based on what you want and not forcing it to conform to a term.

Everyone has nightmares. Everyone has dreams. The key factor, is from what causes them or created them in each person. So may circumstances are that reason, from background, stress, just so many things in which people hide deep down inside themselves. You are not alone. It is just how you are able to deal with them and handle them.

Maybe it's something that you can "grow into". You know, like something you can't do now, but if you are willing to work on it with/for him, then maybe somewhere down the road denial and/or pain are something that you will be able to do, at least partially.

Having said that, alias has given really good advice and I second every word. I would say something else about it here, but I think alias covered it very well and anything else I say will just be redundant.

Good luck, and remember to believe in yourself, and don't get discouraged just because you can't or aren't comfortable doing something.

I know I'm not your dom, but you know I stalk your blog and so I'm going to offer you my opinion as another Dom. If you read my ad you see that I even specifically mention that there if a sub has some of my likes in her limits she shouldn't be discouraged from applying. Probably my biggest kink is my stocking fetish. If for some reason a sub had stockings as a limit (though that would be a weird limit) and everything else about them was perfect for me, I'd even give up stockings to be with that sub. No kink is essential for a relationship to work. If you two are happy together and he says he's happy with you, it doesn't matter what you can or can't do, and I'd frankly just be happy you were trying so hard to please me