A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.

Being a mod

Posted 09-03-2018 at 12:30 PM by Butterfly
Updated 09-03-2018 at 12:36 PM by Butterfly

When I applied to be a mod, I did so because getDare means the world to me. This site has changed my life. I have grown so much as a person by exploring and meeting the people I have here. And of course I credit getDare for meeting my husband, Mr. Devious as well.

My life would literally be completely different if I had not come across getDare and decided to sign up. So I wanted to give back.

The other reason I applied to be a mod was to help people. I like being somebody that people come to with questions. I like to welcome people to getDare, show them the relevant sections of the site, help them make friends or find a play partner. Those things make me happy, and as a mod I would have that opportunity even more.

I love being a mod. I love being able to give back and help people. But modding is also a lot of hard work.

I spend hours and hours a day on getDare. Even when I am just lounging around in the chat, I end up checking reports, dealing with drama in chat, fielding questions via pm, whisper, etc. And my brain is always on, thinking about new content for getDare or ways to improve participation.

I am a social butterfly. I love making friends and socializing. I know a lot of people on this site, and I am friends with a LOT of people. Of course there are also people that I don't like, or who annoy me to no end. One of the hardest parts of being a mod is treating everybody equally.

That means sometimes I have to give a friend a warning or infraction, or even sometimes ban them. That is always super uncomfortable and hard for me, but I do it, because I believe in trying to be as fair as possible.

However, I find it even harder to warn or ban the people I don't like. I go out of my way to make sure I am being MORE than fair. I take a lot of abuse that I shouldn't from these people, just because I don't want to be accused of acting on a personal vendetta or abusing my mod powers.

Being a mod does come with some powers. However, I take my position as a mod very seriously. Sure, sometimes I will change the signature of a friend to be funny, or I will investigate a potential play partner, but I work hard to make sure that I don't misuse my power.

I follow the rules of the site, just like everybody else.

The only time that I allow myself to bend the rules is if it is for the greater good of getDare. For example, when Lola and I were trying to get Mistress' interested in the femmedom lair and I posted a thread in multiple sections of getDare. Or recently when I posted a blog about the King & Queen election.

When I make these decisions, they are not for purely selfish reasons. It is hard work to come up with ideas to keep getDare active. Especially lately. It seems as though participation is declining. It is disapointing when those ideas don't get any attention. So yes, selfishly, I want to promote these ideas in as many ways as possible. BUT they aren't for my betterment or any advantage to me. I do it because I want members of getDare to enjoy. I want the site to be active. I want it to benefit people in the same way it has benefited me.

Does that make me a bad mod?

It seems that some people think so. I do get targeted at times.

People seem to hold me to a higher standard because I am a mod. This means I am not allowed to have bad days, or talk about mental health problems. Some people believe that I am not allowed to do extreme forms of play, or write blogs on certain topics because I represent the views of the entire site that is getDare.

I think that is crap. I am human. I am first and foremost a member of this community. Even if I wasn't a mod, I know that people view me as a role model on this site. I never asked for that, but it is what has happened. I take this role very seriously. When I write something, I put great thought into it. I know that there are young and impressionable people on this site. When I write something that is controversial or extreme, I do my best to write it in a way that explains the risks and how I minimize those risks. I don't think being a mod should make me think twice about posting these things. I just take extra care to explain myself thoroughly.

I will be honest. Some days being a mod is so frustrating and exhausting. I have had days where I just broke down and cried because of some of the things said or done to me. I have seriously considered leaving getDare completely, or at least quiting my duties as a mod.

But in the end, I always stay. I love this community. I love (most of) the members of this site. I love educating and helping people with kink, relationships and being a part of this community. I won't let a few bad apples take away from that. I am strong. I am a good person. I am a great mod.

Posted in Thoughts and Ramblings

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Comments

I hardly post and I do not make myself known around the site, but felt compelled to come out of my 'lurker mode' to respond to this... I do read posts and blogs fairly regularly and I have to say that your blogs have been some of the informative, helpful and interesting to read.

Regardless of what is being said, I'm sure the vast majority would agree here that you are valued and that you make such significant contributions - all for other people.

A few negative remarks do not represent the feelings of everyone.

~Princess

Posted 09-03-2018 at 01:16 PM by Princess_91 Princess_91 is offline

We don't talk... like at all. We may have done some many moons ago though.

But screw anyone who thinks you cant have a bad day. It's the same as a dom. I can have a bad day mental health wise just as anyone else can, that shit happens, the important bit is supporting each other when it happens, and it does.

As for the extreme forms of play, I enjoy the more extreme side of things, and why shouldn't we enjoy it as long as it's consensual? My view on pretty much everything in life is that if what you are doing doesn't hurt someone else, without it being consented to, then who cares? What I do with a sub is between me and her, what you do with anyone else is between you two, and as long as it's consensual, that's fine. People play poker with others when they know the other person is literally gambling their life savings away... how is that morally more correct than torturing someone who literally wants to be tortured?

As for the blog explosion. I read it, and I saw both sides. Is it bad for a mod to seemingly give themselves a privilege that isn't granted to others? Yeah, probably. If it's done for the right reasons, can it be okay? Yes, same with anything. Could it have gone elsewhere? Sure.

My only real issue is the same issue I have with pretty much everything like that on this site and any other, it's nothing more than a popularity contest, and becomes somewhat of a circle jerk amongst the more noticeable users. Not an attack on anyone who's taking part either, because it doesn't matter what type of nomination/voting system is done, everything from a silly thing for a website, right up to politics, it's all "who's the most popular?" rather than "who is best to take the role?"

Fact is, it didn't make a great change to the blog stuff, most people don't care about the blog section anyway, and those that do tend to just look at what new blogs are there and leave as far a I can tell. Very few pay attention to the comments enough to worry about it.

I've seen bad mods on many sites I've been a part of, where they don't like someone and so treat them like shit, and deliberately ignore any issues towards them, but pick up on them for tiny infractions.

I've seen mods hit people for literally nothing, just because they were on a power trip that day, and many many other issues. Hell, I got banned from a Reddit group for 30 days because I messaged a mod that they had removed a post for a false reason... my reason for banning was "don't question the mods, come back in 30 days", and I didn't... because fuck that.

But you are fair, no matter who it is, you treat them equally, so keep your head up, you're doing great, and keep moving forwards.

Posted 09-03-2018 at 01:18 PM by pranadevil pranadevil is offline

	Hey, I mod a very different kind of community, but I understand how big of a commitment it can be. For all the work that you put into it, you should get the smallest of privileges out of it. And really, if someone is going to get upset about that blog, chances are they would have found something else to be upset about eventually anyways. So I hope you don't let it bring you down for too long. <3
	Posted 09-03-2018 at 02:00 PM by amethyst353

Butterfly, you do a great job. I agree with the comments posted above by Princess, pranadevil, and Marissa. And like you said, I remember when it was more bustling on this site too. And all the creative things and effort you all make to keep this community engaged, afloat, welcoming, and special is commendable. You all do a great job. If not, all the wackos would be running this town with, less substance and content, and with either less people, or more of the wrong sort.

Keep your head up high. You are appreciated. And you know it

Posted 09-03-2018 at 02:22 PM by Joan Sky Joan Sky is offline

Updated 09-03-2018 at 02:26 PM by Joan Sky

I get that it sucks to get criticism. It’s not pleasant, especially if you work hard for something.

Does getting criticism about a decision you made automatically mean that you are then a bad mod, or a bad person? Or that people think you are? No. This criticism was directed at one decision that you made as a mod. There have been helpful suggestions that may help you handle it differently next time, from several people. This is not the end of the world. It’s just a difference of opinions.
You’re still the mod, you can decide whatever the hell you do with these suggestions.

Just to play devil’s advocate a little here; You have said multiple times that it is your mission to educate people. Then doesn’t this indeed hold you to a higher standard? You set yourself as an example right? So, is it so strange that you get critical questions about that education now and then?

This is the last thing I’m going to write for a while. I’m not sure if I want to be part of a climate where speaking one’s mind or disagreeing is seen as some sort of violation. Where feelings, not arguments dictate if someone is right or wrong.

Posted 09-03-2018 at 02:38 PM by little pet little pet is offline

I appreciate you. Actually, you keep me coming back. And I do think you are more than fair as a mod. (I think I already said this to you but, I will say it again.)

There are taboo kinks and people have to accept that and accept sometimes a mod participates in it. And in gD there is actually a list of mods.

I would argue if someone feels they are treated unfairly by a mod and fears retalitian, get a diffrent mod to look at it.

And using a privilege once in a while isn't a big deal. Users have been granted the same privileges you are taking.

Posted 09-03-2018 at 02:49 PM by LitDarkness LitDarkness is offline

Quote:

Originally Posted by little pet

This blog is not about one incident or decision that I have made. It was about a feeling in general that has been building for awhile. I have had this blog in my drafts for awhile now and I decided to finally finish writing it and post it.

One criticism does not automatically make me a bad mod or a bad person, however it doesnt mean that I am not allowed to feel down on myself at times. This blog was not written for anybody else, it was written as a way for me to sort through these feelings I have been struggling with.

I do strive to be a role model and educate others. That doesn't mean I am not allowed to make mistakes, have opposing views or bad days. I hold myself to a high standard and like I said, I do think critically about everything that I post.

However sometimes it feels as though, because I am a mod, I am not allowed to do or talk about things that are controversial. That just because I am a mod, it is wrong for me to share some of the more extreme activities that I do with my play partners.

I am not the only person who is seen as a role model in this community. I have seen many people cite your name as somebody who has inspired them or who they look up to. And there are many others. I know that in your dynamic you toe the line between what is reasonably safe and what is a bit risky. However, you share the information with the disclaimer that it can be dangerous and that you take precautions to make it as safe as possible. That is the responsible thing to do and I admire that I dont see how that is any different from what I do. Or what icemaiden does. However, I feel as though I end up targeted at times because I am a mod and held to a different standard.

Posted 09-03-2018 at 02:50 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline

Updated 09-03-2018 at 02:56 PM by Butterfly

feel better butterfly, don’t let bitter bettys get you down! i very much apperciate the time and effort you put into the site <3

Posted 09-03-2018 at 03:17 PM by lola.fox

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butterfly

This blog is not about one incident or decision that I have made. It was about a feeling in general that has been building for awhile.

I just want to add that I understand this feeling of things building up, and reaching a breaking point, extremely well, as it literally happened in real life just a week ago to where I had already upped and left and was considering just jumping on the first train that pulled in, and going.

Thankfully some friends talked sense into me.

And thankfully you can vent it here in a more controlled and constructive way.

A lot of the time people only consider the last thing that happened as relevant to why something happened after. Ignoring that there could be weeks, months or even years of build up in the past that has slowly been there in the background.

Posted 09-03-2018 at 03:28 PM by pranadevil pranadevil is offline

I think you are a wonderful person, Butterfly, and you are a wonderful mod. That includes making mistake. How is the quote again? "Mistakes only happen by people who actually work." or so.

Yes, I have some beef with some moderation decisions made here on getDare, in detail moderating away story blog entries, the special desicions about the recent King and Queen (I too appreciate the idea and effort but I also get Sam's point), and disallowing links to free apps (maybe I miss the very good reasons for that). It took me some time to collect these, and to be fair I didn't complain on or ask for the reasons for all of them. Especially taken these into account, still many many thanks for doing the moderator job, Butterfly (and also thanks to all other moderators here). You can never make it fit for everybody. It's hard to make decision everyday, often up so much on interpretation of vague rules. That can be very tricky. I highly appreciate your job, decisions, and openess to discuss and revise made decisions. I think there's a lot going on in discussions between you moderators behind the curtains. It's a lot of time, effort, and nerves we don't get to see. Many many thanks for those.

I had no beef at all with when you banned me since you were all open to explain it and I got the good reasons for it.

Posted 09-03-2018 at 03:32 PM by CSasha CSasha is offline

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cassandra

At no point or at any time did any mod say that her app was against any rule, she was not asked to remove it, she was not told to remove it. Lola simply pointed out a similarity between the two blogs. It was littlepet's choice to remove it for her own reasons. So please don't put that on the mods.

Posted 09-03-2018 at 03:53 PM by Mr. Devious Mr. Devious is offline

@Mr. Devious: Sorry, I didn't know. Thanks for pointing it out.

Posted 09-03-2018 at 04:10 PM by CSasha

@princess_91 - Thank you so much for the kind words. I am happy that you have enjoyed and learned from my blogs.

@pranadevil - I agree that if things are consensual, and you are risk aware, as long as it isn't harming anybody else, there is no reason not to do the things you want to do. I actually think I am pretty tame compared to some of the risks that others take. The difference is that I like to talk about it, share my insights and the things that I do to be risk aware and minimize risks. I would much rather people talk about the extreme and risky and be informed or have somebody to reach out to, rather than jumping in if they aren't ready.

I also agree that a lot of things tend to be a popularity contest. However, they can still be fun and a great way to get involved in the community. It is a fake role anyways. It isn't as though the person who wins will have any actual powers, just a fun title and some neat perks for awhile. So really it is all about being part of a community and playing a game.

I will say that when I can, I do try to make games as fair as possible without turning it into a popularity contest, but like you said, in these types of communities, it is bound to happen.

@Marissa - Thank you. It is a lot of work, but most days the reward outweighs any negative feelings I have. I have just been feeling a bit down and exhausted by some of the things that have been going on lately, and it all kinda reached a head this weekend. The positive comments and support from this community make sure that I won't dwell on this too long.

@LitDarkness - Thank you. I am glad that I can be a positive reason to keep you coming back.

I agree. If somebody feels that a decision has been made poorly, or they have a personal issue with a mod, contact another mod! Or better yet, report the issue with the report button. All reports go to ALL mods for that reason. The majority of the mods are in communication with each other on a regular basis, and when issues arise (such as the events of this weekend) they are discussed.

Posted 09-03-2018 at 04:18 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline

Food for thought:
Consider a D/s dynamic. We think of dom(mes) as being these sort of higher powers, people who know exactly what to do and when to do it. But dom(mes) are people too; they make mistakes and they have us do things we may not like. But they generally act with our best interests at heart. Not every decision is a popular one, nor is it necessarily the best way to do it, but nonetheless they try to do their best. We are still able to see them as people as well as dominants. Dominants learn and grow with their submissive, they make mistakes and learn from them to try to be better in the future.

Why then does a mod get a different light? A mod is just an authority figure, much like a dom(me) is, but for whatever reason they aren’t allowed to make mistakes, to be human (I am speaking in the general sense, not of anything specific). When any decision is made, regardless of what is being decided, there are 3 sides: those who agree with the decision, those who do not like the decision for whatever reason, and those who really don’t care. No matter what, you are always going to have people falling into each category. You cannot please everyone, that’s a fact. I think people need to understand that part of being an authority figure, whether it’s a mod, a dom(me), or anything in between, you are tasked with making decisions that impact people other than yourself. As the authority figure you do your best to make a decision, using rational thinking and reasonability. Does that mean it’s the best decision possible? No. Does that mean a better solution doesn’t exist? No. But it does mean that you tried your best and people need to respect that regardless of which of the 3 categories they fall into. Of course people are free to express their opinion on a decision regardless of which category they fall into and to raise concerns about the decision made. But at the end of the day we all need to accept the fact that we will not agree with every single decision made by others.

I am sorry that so much burden is placed on your and the other mods shoulders. It sort of takes away the fun of the site at times, creating a feeling like you can only be a mod and not a general user of the site, unable to participate in whatever threads you desire. I do hope that your spirits lift soon though

Posted 09-03-2018 at 04:49 PM by sciencegal sciencegal is offline

Updated 09-03-2018 at 06:38 PM by sciencegal

@Lola - Thank you for the support

@pranadevil - I am sorry that you have experienced that. I know too well what it is like. As good as I am at communicating, I bottle up a lot at times and try not to let it bother me until one day it just all explodes. Thank you for understanding.

@Cassandra - Thank you for your support. As you mentioned there are reasons behind the decisions that we make as mods and I try my best to make the right decision. I usually am willing to give my reasoning if asked politely rather than being attacked or targeted.

Also, as Mr. Devious pointed out, the app being removed was not mandated by any mod. So I cannot speak to that situation. However, I have explained my decisions regarding the King & Queen nomination, and although some people disagree, I feel as though my reasons are valid and the decision has been made and will be over with in 7 days.

@Mr. Devious - Thank you my love.

@Sciencegal - Thank you so much for writing this. I really have nothing more to add. I just really appreciate you

Posted 09-03-2018 at 05:25 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joan Sky

See, I told you how much you are appreciated. It's wonderful, just like you and the other staff members are

All great comments especially sciencegal's.

Thanks for clarifying to the ones that don't know, that mods aren't demigods. Thanks for sharing with everyone your humanness and feelings and letting them understand that you are just like everyone else in addition to volunteering to tending to the site's needs for the good of us all, ensuring it veritable garden full of a wonderfully diverse harvest for everyone, including yourself.

Posted 09-03-2018 at 08:45 PM by Joan Sky Joan Sky is offline

	For what it's worth, as someone who is new to this site, I have found your threads, blogs, etc. to be super helpful. I see some of the creative threads and ideas you've posted as a great example showing the really diverse and interesting interactions and content that could happen here.
	Posted 09-04-2018 at 07:54 PM by palutheran7

Quote:

Originally Posted by little pet

I'm going to miss you. You post some good stories and more. I wish I didn't see some good people and friends go indefinitely, or driven from this place. Almost 1600 posts and 90 blog entries is impressive. Thank you for the good you have provided on this site. I hope we keep in touch.

Posted 09-04-2018 at 09:32 PM by Joan Sky Joan Sky is offline

Updated 09-04-2018 at 09:48 PM by Joan Sky

In my personal opinion since you feel entitled to be seen as an "educator" you can't just excuse every mistake you make with: "but I'm only human", educators are expected to learn and teach from their mistakes, not to look for excuses (I don't actually know what mistake you're talking about sorry if it seems too harsh or disproportionate in case it's for something irrelevant). People with power are always held to a higher standard than everyone else because power never comes for free, it always comes with responsibilities, it's why Bill Clinton was impeached for lying under oath while if a pizza delievery man would have done the same no one would have fired him.

I want to mention I really appreciate your efforts to grow the community a lot, regardless of how effective or ineffective they turn out to be. I don't know about which mistake this post is, the only reason I'm being critical is because I think that it's insulting to hear from someone in power that they're okay with making mistakes because they're only human, power comes with responsibilities and that's not the right attitude for someone responsible for other people to have. (How would you feel if a dom had that attitude towards his mistakes that hurt the sub instead of accepting his mistake, apologizing and learning from his mistake for the future?)

I also think that you should be free and not feel guilty about writing about your bad days, mental health, or more extreme forms of play. I do remember people here often criticizing others who engage in play they find "extreme". I think that it's unfortunate that some people will criticize you for that but I also think that it might help others interested in the same type of play feel more comfortable and welcome here.

Posted 09-06-2018 at 02:45 AM by SlutTrainer SlutTrainer is offline

	You do a great job helping this community grow and thrive. It is greatly appreciated from all corners and you should be proud of your efforts. No one is perfect but you honestly are a great person and a great mod and even when something goes wrong you handle it with grace and honesty and sincerity. Thank you
	Posted 09-06-2018 at 03:53 AM by MasterZp

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

I never said that I didn't accept mistakes, apologize for them and use them to learn and grow. The only thing I said in this blog about making mistakes is this:

Quote:

I do strive to be a role model and educate others. That doesn't mean I am not allowed to make mistakes, have opposing views or bad days. I hold myself to a high standard and like I said, I do think critically about everything that I post.

If I feel a mistake is made, I own up to. But that doesn't mean it isn't allowed to happen. As a human, mistakes WILL happen. Just because I am a mod, an educator, a Domme, that doesn't mean I am perfect.

I actually make a HUGE effort to talk about my screw ups. Whether it is something that I did that hurt somebody, or something that went wrong during play. I want to admit those things because I think it is important for people to see that I am not perfect, even though a lot of people put me on a special pedestal.

There was no particular mistake in general that I had in mind while writing this blog, it was more an encompassing of everything.

Thank you for your comments.

Posted 09-06-2018 at 11:12 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline

@Butterfly That's great to hear. I was primarily referring to what you said here, complaining about being held to a higher standard and saying that you make mistakes just because you're human.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butterfly

People seem to hold me to a higher standard because I am a mod. This means I am not allowed to have bad days, or talk about mental health problems. Some people believe that I am not allowed to do extreme forms of play, or write blogs on certain topics because I represent the views of the entire site that is getDare.

I think that is crap. I am human.

I criticized this because saying that the reason you made a mistake was because you are a human implies that you can't prevent yourself from making same the mistake in the future because in the future you will still be human, it's a way to shift responsibility away from oneself. From your answer it's pretty clear that wasn't your intention so I'm glad to hear that.

Posted 09-06-2018 at 12:41 PM by SlutTrainer SlutTrainer is offline

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlutTrainer

@Butterfly That's great to hear. I was primarily referring to what you said here, complaining about being held to a higher standard and saying that you make mistakes just because you're human.

I criticized this because saying that the reason you made a mistake was because you are a human implies that you can't prevent yourself from making same the mistake in the future because in the future you will still be human, it's a way to shift responsibility away from oneself. From your answer it's pretty clear that wasn't your intention so I'm glad to hear that.

Thank you for clarifying.

I do want to point out however, that in that quote I mention having bad days, mental health problems, doing extreme forms of play and writing blogs on specific topics. I didn't say anything about making mistakes.

Posted 09-06-2018 at 12:46 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline

	feel better butterfly, don’t let bitter bettys get you down! i very much apperciate the time and effort you put into the site <3
	Posted 09-03-2018 at 03:17 PM by lola.fox

	@Mr. Devious: Sorry, I didn't know. Thanks for pointing it out.
	Posted 09-03-2018 at 04:10 PM by CSasha

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