The Line We Walk

I have a very conservative and religious family. Sex is not discussed, ever. I was never given 'The Talk' but rather I figured out how sex worked on my own. I wasn't ever told about masturbation or why it was apparently bad (spoilers, it's not bad, masturbation is awesome). My mother hates the porn industry, hates sex scenes in movies, and hates it when women wear low cut tops on TV.

This made things a bit difficult when we started discussing Fifty Shades of Grey.

Many of you probably know that Fifty Shades is garbage and abusive that is trying to hide as a normal BDSM relationship. Now, I'm not talking about the rather tame kinky sex they act out. I'm talking about the emotional abusive that is very obviously shown throughout the series.

To my mother, BDSM and abusive are one and the same. She cannot understand how anyone would want to be treated like that, let alone enjoy it. So, in her mind, it's all nonsense that the porn industry has fabricated that women enjoy being treated like less than someone else (not sure she knows that some men like it too). She agrees that there is mental abusive in the books, but she considers any sort of kink aspect to also be abuse. I found myself at a loss to explain that BDSM isn't abuse and so we moved the conversation on.

Abuse does happen in BDSM though and it's not talked about too often, especially with online play. It happens so much and yet everyone tries to remain quiet. I understand, we don't want to cause drama, don't want to make people uncomfortable, don't want to isolate friends. If we speak out it's usually in vague questions as though everyone doesn't already know what's going on. We force the abuser to answer questions that make what they are doing obvious, even if it's only then given excuses.

It's rather easy to make excuses for that kind of behavior. The line between what is and is not okay with BDSM is a tad hazy.

One thing that the entire community can agree on is consent. If you don't have consent for whatever you're doing, it's not BDSM, it's abuse and you are an abuser. The dungeon I go to is very clear on that. You cannot touch someone without first asking permission. You have to ask permission for a hug or if you want to use an honorific when you address them (like sir or miss). And everyone can at anytime say no and they do not have to give a reason or explanation. The rule is that nothing will happen to you there without your consent. Because without consent we are nothing.

Why is it that people are then given a free pass with online play? Why is it that people don't immediately stop talking to consent violators? It happens all the time and yet this horrible thing is glanced over. We ask vague questions because heaven forbid we just call them out on it. I'm totally guilty of asking these not so veiled questions, but still I can't seem to just say that what is happening is not okay. Part of it might be that we don't want to upset the person being hurt, I know that is mostly what stops me.

I have been in abusive relationships before and it wrecks me to see it with other people. How do we help when it is still such a vague line. Maybe they consented to it, but their play partner is actually emotionally hurting them. How do you help defend against that? How do you call them out when the automatic response is, "Well, we're in a D/s relationship."

I have been that girl who convinces herself that he loves me and I'm just overreacting. That she wants what's best for me and all these fights are my fault. That I'm asking too much from him and that I need to be there for her more. It boils down to me believing that everything wrong is my fault and if I change then it'll all be fixed.

It breaks my heart to see this happening to other people. It makes me burn to see the smug abusers know that their prey will always come back to them.

We all like to think that we aren't the kind of people to get caught in an abusive relationship, emotional or physical. We can recognize the signs and we would put a stop to it. But abusers work by quietly tearing down the people they associate with. After being slowly being convinced that you need them and you have no one else and that they are the center of your world, would you really be able to stop them? Would you still recognize the signs? Or would you start making excuses and say you're simply in a D/s relationship?

It's easy to see it from the outside looking in, but we can only help those who want to help themselves. So, the question is, in that situation after being ripped apart, would you still think you deserve help? I promise that you do.