I have a lot of things I should talk about and it is easier for me to do that on a random website to a bunch of strangers. You can comment on my stuff or not, but the majority of my blog posts will be personal things that are difficult for me to talk about out loud.
D/s: Who has the Power?
Posted 06-17-2015 at 10:06 AM by techiegirl
Now, some people will say, "Dominants have all the power in a scene. They are the dominant for a reason. *Cue eye roll*"
Some people will say, "Dominants only have power because the submissive gives it to them. *Cue condescending laugh*"
Reasons can be made for both sides of the argument. The sub can end the scene with a word (because safe words are important!) but then again, so can the dom.
The sub is the one giving control to the dom, but without that consent, there is no scene. But if the dom doesn't accept their submission, there is no scene.
The dom is giving the sub commands and the sub follows them, but the sub chooses to follow them. The dom is only doing what the submissive wants (to some degree. If the submissive hates spanking, but breaks a rule so the dom spank them, they don't want it, but they want to please the dom, so they endure a spanking)
Personally, I have always viewed the submissive as having more power. This is totally a biased opinion as I'm not even a submissive (yay bottoms) so my own thoughts here are a little skewed.
In reality, the power is equal. Yes, there is a power exchange in a scene, but both sides consent to it (if one side does not, DO NOT PLAY (unless it's like a rape fantasy, but you still should have consented to that earlier)).
Submission can only be given (or taken if you're into that) with the Dom's consent. And on the flip side, dominance can only be enforced with the sub's permission.
All in all, both sides have power, the trick is finding someone who's consent (either as a submissive or dominant) let's you feel like you can consent as well.
Some people will say, "Dominants only have power because the submissive gives it to them. *Cue condescending laugh*"
Reasons can be made for both sides of the argument. The sub can end the scene with a word (because safe words are important!) but then again, so can the dom.
The sub is the one giving control to the dom, but without that consent, there is no scene. But if the dom doesn't accept their submission, there is no scene.
The dom is giving the sub commands and the sub follows them, but the sub chooses to follow them. The dom is only doing what the submissive wants (to some degree. If the submissive hates spanking, but breaks a rule so the dom spank them, they don't want it, but they want to please the dom, so they endure a spanking)
Personally, I have always viewed the submissive as having more power. This is totally a biased opinion as I'm not even a submissive (yay bottoms) so my own thoughts here are a little skewed.
In reality, the power is equal. Yes, there is a power exchange in a scene, but both sides consent to it (if one side does not, DO NOT PLAY (unless it's like a rape fantasy, but you still should have consented to that earlier)).
Submission can only be given (or taken if you're into that) with the Dom's consent. And on the flip side, dominance can only be enforced with the sub's permission.
All in all, both sides have power, the trick is finding someone who's consent (either as a submissive or dominant) let's you feel like you can consent as well.
Total Comments 6
Comments
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This was a thought-provoking blog and I enjoyed reading it, but I would personally have to disagree with your viewpoint and say that the submissive has to give up more power to the Dominant in order for D/s to work. I found a really good writing about the power balance in D/s relationships by Innermind on FetLife the other day, not sure if you've seen it or want to, but the link's here if you're interested
Posted 06-17-2015 at 12:15 PM by Siren 
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I think I have a third viewpoint! Which is the wonderful
thing because we all have different relationships and are all different people. At times, I give my Dom the "power". Honestly, only really during play. And it's a beautiful thing. I hand him the reigns and relax because I trust him to take care of me. At other times? Seriously, ik ben de baas. I am the boss. Sure, I'll do tasks and stuff, but when I'm up to it. Sometimes, I just don't feel like it. Sometimes DrW may not be up to domming- like when he's sick. So he always has the option of saying yes or no to my submission. I don't submit 24/7. We're friends. We're boyfriend and girlfriend. And we're D/s. It's a large part of what we are, but it certainly isn't our #1 priority. It's fun, it's serious, and a wonderful aspect of our relationship. Essentially, I believe in equality, But as Dare... said that doesn't equal to power. In my own D/s, I have the power 73.49% of the time.
Everyone knows DrW is my little cabbage slave most of the time. I'm his brilliant subby for the rest of it. And his good girl for all of it. I know, it's complicated.Posted 06-17-2015 at 02:27 PM by eivins
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My point of view can be summer up here, along with the comments: http://www.getdare.com/bbs/blog.php?b=73393
Posted 06-17-2015 at 03:27 PM by An_Jon
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I should clarify that for me I meant I give my Dom power over me during play, but the rest of the time, no, he doesn't really have any power over me, and nor do I have any over him. I think it works that way for a lot of people who do D/s, and perhaps most of those who do M/s treat it as more of a 24/7 thing in which the Master/Mistress always has some power over their slave.Quote:Originally Posted by eivins
I think I have a third viewpoint! Which is the wonderful
thing because we all have different relationships and are all different people. At times, I give my Dom the "power". Honestly, only really during play. And it's a beautiful thing. I hand him the reigns and relax because I trust him to take care of me. At other times? Seriously, ik ben de baas. I am the boss. Sure, I'll do tasks and stuff, but when I'm up to it. Sometimes, I just don't feel like it. Sometimes DrW may not be up to domming- like when he's sick. So he always has the option of saying yes or no to my submission. I don't submit 24/7. We're friends. We're boyfriend and girlfriend. And we're D/s. It's a large part of what we are, but it certainly isn't our #1 priority. It's fun, it's serious, and a wonderful aspect of our relationship. Essentially, I believe in equality, But as Dare... said that doesn't equal to power. In my own D/s, I have the power 73.49% of the time. Everyone knows DrW is my little cabbage slave most of the time. I'm his brilliant subby for the rest of it. And his good girl for all of it. I know, it's complicated.
And yes, we all know you're the one who really wears the trousers in your relationshipPosted 06-17-2015 at 05:35 PM by Siren
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I think this question can be viewed in a couple of different ways. In any relationship, the person who is the most willing to walk away holds the most power. But that usually signifies a really unhealthy relationship. Really awesome FL article here.
I also think the question of who holds the most power implies an adversarial relationship. Something I would term more of a power struggle than a smooth power exchange. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that. Struggling is pretty fun...
Sorry, started daydreaming.
But, I know that, at least within my relationship, I find the power exchange works best. Because, as much as I love to mouth off and poke at Almost, I also really love submitting to him. And, for me, it's less about who wields more power over whom, and more about the fact that we both want each other enough to put effort into our relationship. After all, without someone to dominate me, I wouldn't be submitting. And vice versa.
Also, yay for lots of different viewpoints and people talking intelliegently on this topic!Posted 06-17-2015 at 09:36 PM by kittenlyss
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Sure...Quote:Originally Posted by Dare...
And yes, we all know you're the one who really wears the trousers in your relationship
Suuuuure.....Quote:Originally Posted by eivins
Seriously, ik ben de baas. I am the boss.
To be honest, I don't want to be the boss all the time. Seems like lots of hard work to me! I like being in control during play, as well as for tasks or certain aspects like orgasm control.
Maybe it's not a matter of who has power, sub or dom. It might be that it's a mix, one that you communicate about a lot to make it work.
And when I talk about control, I talk about playful control. No one is holding a gun to a submissive's head to force them into anything, so it isn't absolute control.Posted 06-18-2015 at 01:52 PM by drwarschauu
