Why is that my curt reply of, 'Not interested.' no longer has any meaning? Why is that some creeper's whisper of, 'hey i like ur profile. you want 2 play?' is not shut down with a frigid, 'No. I prefer to talk publicly.'

Why is it that my very clear "No." is no longer accepted? It happens more and more where the only way I can stop unwanted 'doms' from pestering me is by saying I'm already owned.

It's as if it's easier for them to respect someone else's property...

It follows me around all day. My muscles tighten, jaw clenches, heart races. Anxiety fills my veins, making each breath I take icy.

Scenes relax me. Talking to my boy toy, watching Supernatural, hugging my cat, drinking hot chocolate. These things relax me.

Have you ever made a fist so tight that your hand starts to shake? And then relaxed? It's like a relief in your muscles instead of just your mind.

I'm a tense person. I worry and fret about everything,...

If you spend ten minutes in chat you will probably notice how often someone will say something along the lines of, "Looking for someone to punish me. My kik is *insert kik name here*" Now, while this might be somewhat annoying, it's fine to want to find someone to play with.

However, my quarrel is with the casual use of the word 'punishment'. People will also post threads asking for a *like of their choice* punishment and then shoot things down because they don't like them....

This is literally a rant about things I wish I knew how to say.

I feel like shit. I feel like you're doing so much for me and I just fuck up everything, which makes me wonder why the fuck you'd ever want to stay with me. I forgot to ask if you're mad. You'd probably say you aren't, weren't, whatever. But I know a part of you is annoyed at how much time you wasted.

I had fucking one job and I couldn't do that. Shit, I always ask if you're mad. Why did I forget this time?...

I've been called that before by my seniors. Been told I have old eyes, an old soul, that I've been through a lot. I used to think it was something to be proud of. A maturity that I carried beyond those of my year.

Of course, it's only now that I realize that price tag I never saw. The cost of being an 'old soul' is something I wish I didn't have to pay.

Ignorance is bliss is probably the truest statement I've ever heard. I miss being young. I miss being twelve and being...

It has been a very rough nine days. Not only was my dom out of town, so our communication was very limited, but I was also in denial. I still am. Plus, a lot of personal things I was dealing with.

It has truly been a tough week. I can't remember the last time I cried so often in such a short span of time, but cry I did. As I said, tough week.

So, even though he said he'd only check gd once a day and send me a message then, he comes online twice and sometimes three times...

Trust is a tricky thing. I know I shouldn't let my past experiences make me wary of you, but they do. I know you're not the one who made me feel smaller, but someone did and as much as I would love to say you'd never do that to me, that's what I thought about them.

Lighthouses are the metaphor in my mind tonight. Trusting someone, romantically or platonically, is like leaving that island where you feel at least somewhat grounded. It's going out into the open sea in your rickety boat and...