Broken Record

Recently read something about abandonment issues that kind of struck home for me so I figured I'd delve into it.

I tend to get into 'I'm sorry' loops and it's been happening quite a bit lately. "I'm so sorry. I'll be better. Please don't leave me. I just want to make you happy, I'm sorry. I fucked up, sorry. Please don't be mad, I'm really sorry. I'll be a good girl, please don't leave. I'm sorry."

I wish I could say that I wasn't emotionally fucked up, but that would sadly be dishonest. I have this constant fear of driving everyone away, ending up alone. The post I read explained it very well. I'm used to conditional love. My family loves me, but...and thus I wait for the other shoe to drop. I make silent marks against myself anytime I believe I've done something wrong. All the marks add up to fuel my anxieties.

Half the time (probably over half), the marks are for inconsequential things. I got upset over something and the conversation was dull for a bit. I needed to safeword (totally not a bad thing and I shouldn't feel awful for doing it). Maybe I'm not the ideal body type for whoever I'm playing with (mostly in my mind, they don't give a fuck). Maybe they seemed too angry. All these stupid notations are continually kept on file in my mind. I think about them anytime someone seems annoyed or when insomnia is stealing my sleep. And as it builds, so does my irrational interpretation of their behavior. Am I no longer being penalized for breaking a rule because they don't care? They don't care because of all the marks I've accrued, obviously they don't think I'm worth dealing with.

Play partners have asked me when I voice my fear of abandonment, "Why do you think I hate you? Why do you think I'm going to leave? What do you think you've done wrong?" Well, buddy, let me pull out my color coded files and tell you. I'll start listing minuscule issues that happened, were discussed, and then solved weeks ago. They are simply another tally mark in the Cons column that exists when someone debates staying with me. And that is my problem.

With conditional love, the kind of love that can argued with, there is a Pros and Cons column. I love you but the cons outweigh the pros. I've really only ever experienced this kind of love throughout my life.

It fucking baffles me when I ask someone why they don't hate me and their answer is, "Because I love you."

What? What on earth does that matter? You can love me and still leave me out in the rain. You can love me and still decide I'm not worth the effort. Saying you love me doesn't quell my fears. It's never been some magical phrase that means I'm accepted and cared for. It's just the beginning of a rejection. I love you but...

Conditional love is all I'm used to. So, I get into apology loops, creating marks for whatever I'm apologizing for and marks for the continuing to apologize. I'm just annoying them, stop saying sorry and shut up before they get so sick of you they leave. It becomes this snowball of cons and I can't stop myself from counting all of them. After years and years of doing this, it becomes so incredibly easy to just expect that people will leave you. I begin anticipating it, which frustrates other people (more tally marks).

I'm not used to unconditional love. It's a foreign concept, which is all kinds of sad and I'm totally aware it's all kinds of sad. Yet, here I am, silently counting points against myself, convinced everyone else is doing the same.