Depression & My Experience

Depression. Like many, I have suffered from this terrible disease. It is a powerful disease, one that feels like it owns you. It almost dictates your actions for you. From a young age, I have felt depressed and I still do. It is on and off, depression comes and goes and I am lucky for that. For some, depression does not leave your side. When I was just turning 13, I was diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder. I kept this bottled up. I didn’t share my feelings nor did I seek help. I was wrong for that. Rather than seek help, I acted as though everything was perfect. I still do this today. Depression engulfs me every now and then. Life can be going smooth and perfect but in the snap of a finger, you feel awful. You feel like something is wrong, something is bothering you and you don’t know what. It is hard and frustrating to deal with. Everything can be going great. You can be at the peak of the mountain one day and the next day it feels like you are at the bottom again with no reasoning why. Currently, I am having one of these times. I am depressed and I don’t know why. Life has been hard but it also has been great. I recently just found pleasure in coming on this website and even meeting a Master. I have aced my recent tests, played well in basketball, and even met the perfect boyfriend I could ask for but for some reason, I feel like something is missing. I feel empty. Past thoughts continue to haunt me. I try to get them past me but I think of them every day. I guess I began to feel this emptiness when I was about ten. It began with bullying. Name calling really ripped me apart though I managed to cope with bullying quite well. That was until one of my best friends passed away. She was one of the only friends I had, without her, the words began to get to me again. I coped with it as much as I could and refused to seek help, instead I felt dumb enough to try to cope with it by getting into a relationship when I was a fresh teenager at age 13. That was a mistake. I felt no affection from him, I liked him but didn’t really “love” him but that how most early relationships were. After a month, I lost him. He ditched me and I felt abandoned. I vowed to never date again. My vow did not last as three years later, I began dating again. I had found a boy who I actually really “loved” now. At 16 years old, Love is a strong world but I felt the affection between us two. It was strong and I even ended up giving up my virginity to him, something I am ashamed of. Something that I wish I could erase. This has been the the main powerhouse of my depression. It wasn’t consensual sex and you may read my story on my other blog post, I’m too emotional right now to talk about it again. I was severely hurt emotionally by this. Things I enjoyed doing were no longer fun. I didn’t want to go to school or work and I practically had to drag myself to go to school and work. Again, I kept all my emotions bottled up inside me. To this day, my parents and brother know absolutely nothing about my story, only my sister who has vowed to never share. I thought it would be a big step in posting it online, sharing it with hundreds of people. It helped at first but did not do much. It still haunts me every day. I am a firm believer of leaving stuff in the past but depression does not share the same beliefs.

As I have said, depression affects me but I have coped with it. I have coped with it in two ways, both my ways are questionable to some but I have found them to be a great antidote. I refuse to share my stories and depression with my parents. Since being diagnosed, my parents have believed that I have gotten over it. I have not spoke to my parents, teachers, grandparents, or even a therapist or counselor, I refuse to. Instead, I found another person that I have instilled every ounce of trust in my body to, my sister. Though younger, I feel like she is the only one I can talk to. She listens and keeps it between the two of us. She gives me hope when I need it and inspires me to rid of this horrid disease. My other way of coping is through fitness. I had discovered fitness as a remedy when I was 14 and I have not looked back. Something about it inspires the fight in me. Since 14, I have done wonders to my body. I have gained muscles mass all over my body and it has really helped me feel refreshed. It is a stress reliever that I still use today. If something is bothering me, I put the headphones in and just run and run, ignoring the world. I refuse to turn to alcohol, drugs, and self harm and I encourage everyone suffering from depression to not fall victim to these. Believe me, it’s hard. You want to let go. Though self harm, alcohol, or drugs may make you feel free, they will only hurt you more. Please, I am here to talk to anyone that needs it. This has been incredibly hard to post. I don't like sharing my stories. I don’t like seeking help, I am a girl who wants to fight her own battle, but I being troubled by the past tonight, I have felt like I need to post this. I don’t want to keep it bottled up if it can help others. I truly hope my story can help. Always remember, you are perfect the way you are. The cases of depression vary but I beg you, please seek help. Depression may not be able to be cured but it certainly can be relieved! I had no thought of writing this but my tears led me here. Don’t wipe away your tears, wipe away the past. Depression can be fought but please don’t fight it alone. I have made that mistake. Share your story with that one person you trust. Don’t turn to self harm, drugs, or alcohol as a remedy. Find your own remedy like reading, writing, or even fitness as I have took up. Believe in yourself! You are powerful beyond measure! Don’t cry, smile. Smile about your mistakes.

I don't want people to feel like I am seeking help. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want people to think I am seeking attention. My goal for this post was none of that. My goal of this post was to inspire others who may suffer or have the same experience as me. If you need help, I am here to talk. I do not plan to keep this posted long.