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On Respect and Entitlement
*Deep breath*
Chances are I don't respect you. There's a big chance that I'll treat you with all of the kindness you deserve, but if you're reading this and we've never spoken then I don't respect you. That's not to say that I'll never respect you, just that we haven't reached that point in our relationship yet.
Recently I've been noticing an increase in discussions about respect, and I thought I'd post my extended thoughts on that term rather than merely comment on the threads/blogs. In my view it's a big misconception to think that respect is an automatic right. I think what these people really mean is 'kindness'. Respect beings a feeling of admiration, and a positive feeling whenever you something connected with the person. Kindness is allowing your acquaintance the basic right of being treated like a human being. Look at a random person on the high street, which would you choose?
Now, when it comes to what you're entitled to it's quite simple: you're entitled to nothing more than kindness. If someone doesn't meet this requirement for you, they're still are entitled to the kindness they didn't show you. Everything else is earned over time. Kindness is not. Kindness is the backbone of everything you are as a human being, and if you lack kindness for whatever reason then I'll probably struggle to ever eventually respect you.
Let's talk about respect for a moment then. Say we've chatted for a while and I like you. You've posted some sweet blogs. You've handled yourself with dignity and kindness and you make me laugh more often than not. I come to respect you as a person. Does that mean that I'll now forever come to love and trust you? No. respect isn't a one-time only thing. It's like money. You keep earning and spending it, and it needs to continually be replenished. Say we argued and you offended me: you've just spent some of that respect. Say I saw you forget to hold a door open for someone: more spent. Say you beat me at FIFA: get the fuck out of my house. Then say you bought me a drink at a bar and apologised: you just got your paycheck. Respect isn't something which is just there; it's a thing that is unique to everyone, and everyone has different prices which they put on their respect.
I mentioned trust briefly - more on that. With respect doesn't automatically come trust, these are separate concepts. There are members of the chat I respect because of how I've seen them handle themselves, but would I tell them my bank details? Like crap I would. Trust is a confidence in someone's reliability, nothing more. Of course, people you respect are usually because of their trustworthyness. However, it's not a requirement.
If you trust, respect, like someone there also seems to be a misconception that they have to share the feeling. Wrong. People don't have to do shit you because you do it to/for them. For example: face pics. If you trust someone enough to send them a face pic they don't automatically have to reciprocate. They may not trust you, they may not like you. You're separate people, let that be the case. Don't bully someone because of how they see you, use it as a motive to be more trustworthy, kinder, more likable etc. There is one exception to the respect rule, and that is this: respect someone's decisions. If they say no, it means no. If they say never, it means never. Not soon, not one day - no and never. Whining about it makes you seem entitled, and people who think that they're entitled to respect often deserve the least because they're the most unwilling to become respected.
In short - be kind and give people reason to respect you, and they will. Be a dick and they'll stop. Simple.
Chances are I don't respect you. There's a big chance that I'll treat you with all of the kindness you deserve, but if you're reading this and we've never spoken then I don't respect you. That's not to say that I'll never respect you, just that we haven't reached that point in our relationship yet.
Recently I've been noticing an increase in discussions about respect, and I thought I'd post my extended thoughts on that term rather than merely comment on the threads/blogs. In my view it's a big misconception to think that respect is an automatic right. I think what these people really mean is 'kindness'. Respect beings a feeling of admiration, and a positive feeling whenever you something connected with the person. Kindness is allowing your acquaintance the basic right of being treated like a human being. Look at a random person on the high street, which would you choose?
Now, when it comes to what you're entitled to it's quite simple: you're entitled to nothing more than kindness. If someone doesn't meet this requirement for you, they're still are entitled to the kindness they didn't show you. Everything else is earned over time. Kindness is not. Kindness is the backbone of everything you are as a human being, and if you lack kindness for whatever reason then I'll probably struggle to ever eventually respect you.
Let's talk about respect for a moment then. Say we've chatted for a while and I like you. You've posted some sweet blogs. You've handled yourself with dignity and kindness and you make me laugh more often than not. I come to respect you as a person. Does that mean that I'll now forever come to love and trust you? No. respect isn't a one-time only thing. It's like money. You keep earning and spending it, and it needs to continually be replenished. Say we argued and you offended me: you've just spent some of that respect. Say I saw you forget to hold a door open for someone: more spent. Say you beat me at FIFA: get the fuck out of my house. Then say you bought me a drink at a bar and apologised: you just got your paycheck. Respect isn't something which is just there; it's a thing that is unique to everyone, and everyone has different prices which they put on their respect.
I mentioned trust briefly - more on that. With respect doesn't automatically come trust, these are separate concepts. There are members of the chat I respect because of how I've seen them handle themselves, but would I tell them my bank details? Like crap I would. Trust is a confidence in someone's reliability, nothing more. Of course, people you respect are usually because of their trustworthyness. However, it's not a requirement.
If you trust, respect, like someone there also seems to be a misconception that they have to share the feeling. Wrong. People don't have to do shit you because you do it to/for them. For example: face pics. If you trust someone enough to send them a face pic they don't automatically have to reciprocate. They may not trust you, they may not like you. You're separate people, let that be the case. Don't bully someone because of how they see you, use it as a motive to be more trustworthy, kinder, more likable etc. There is one exception to the respect rule, and that is this: respect someone's decisions. If they say no, it means no. If they say never, it means never. Not soon, not one day - no and never. Whining about it makes you seem entitled, and people who think that they're entitled to respect often deserve the least because they're the most unwilling to become respected.
In short - be kind and give people reason to respect you, and they will. Be a dick and they'll stop. Simple.
Total Comments 11
Comments
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This explains respect down to a wire.Posted 02-04-2015 at 06:54 PM by LitDarkness 
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Ha! Brilliant! I'm very, very impressed by this explanation not just of respect, but of the whole gamut of issues about relationship surrounding it.
And one of the most impressive points is that of kindness needing to be shown to everyone first, an aspect of human interaction that's sadly overlooked time and time again, especially on the interwebs.
Thank you, Jon.Posted 02-04-2015 at 09:55 PM by Wardell
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Whelp good night everyone, An_Jon just won the Internet.Posted 02-04-2015 at 10:10 PM by pet monkey
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I agree with most of this, and I think where I disagree it's mainly just because I call the same concepts by different names.
I think of respect as having different levels. There is a very basic level which I personally think everyone is entitled to based on the fact they are a human being. This includes being polite (a practice determined by society, I suppose) and kind only to what is (forgive me) but absolutely necessary. Kindness in addition to that I feel is going above and beyond. So, for instance, one is not obligated to hold the door open for someone, but you also don't cut in front of the old lady who is about to go through the door - one is more kindness, the other basic respect.
Then there are levels of initial respect dictated by the situation. If I am in someone's house, there is automatically an increased level of respect for them because I am on their turf. The same goes for being in a professor's class - they have authority there - working for someone - they have authority over me as their employee - and so forth.
But this is all just initially for me. As I get to know people that level of respect either increases or decreases. The professor who is brilliant and yet cannot communicate nor be bothered to care about his students will only have my respect as an intellectual, but certainly not as an educator. The boss who blames everyone for her own lack of skills and ethic will lose my respect, while the boss who is attentive to employees, sets a good example, etc., will obviously gain it.
It's that initial respect, which is honestly for me a very general, blanket concept (not something that's really tailored to individuals), that I think we differ on. I do, however, see that concept of polite respect being abused horribly on here though. Every time a dominant type assumes because he/she has named themselves such they are owed X, it's an incorrect application of that polite respect (or kindness, as you put it).
At the same time, I believe there is a basic degree of respect people can and ought to expect - for instance (and you mentioned this), I can reasonably expect that when I say no, stranger from the interwebs, I am not comfortable sending you pictures therefore I will not, that my decision will be respected. That gets back to the respect you show someone on their turf. Similarly, when messaging someone I think one ought to be respectful - you are entering into their sphere (and I mean respectful within reason). Refraining from calling me a bitch and demanding I suck him off doesn't make the random interwebs dude kind, as I perceive it, just basically respectful.
The rest I agreed with wholeheartedly, and I really, really, really loved what you said about entitlement and expecting the same gesture in return, such as with sharing pictures. One of my biggest frustrations is when people attempt to guilt trip me into sharing pictures because they threw me an unsolicited dick pic. I even had one person ask me if I thought it would be a good idea to "convince" his sub friend to show him hers if he showed her his. That kind of manipulation is disgusting.Posted 02-05-2015 at 12:15 AM by naughtylittlegirl
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TKWS, Wardell & colosubguy - thank you very much
nlg - Thank you also for your kind words, but I'm going to have to continue to disagree with your definitions of kindness & basic levels of respect. To me you have the two of them the wrong way around, with kindness being the minimum you can expect from someone (with politeness and being considerate falling within this) and respect as something which goes above later on once you've built up a relationship with this person. As for your professor example: you can respect their work, but not necessarily the person. Their work can help you in ways they're not willing to, which in my mind makes them and their work separate entities completely.
It's not a big disagreement, but a small point which I feel is important to what I was saying.Posted 02-05-2015 at 01:25 AM by An_Jon
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@ An_Jon: Like I said, I think that we just use the words differently I think I use respect to both mean basic politeness and courtesy and then also to mean specific regard for someone, while you are applying it exclusively to the latter meaning. It;s just how we've each worked it out in our own minds. And I agree, you can appreciate aspects of a person's life and work, and not necessarily have a lot of respect for the person themselves. That I have experienced in situations with various professors (and a few bosses).
Posted 02-05-2015 at 01:40 AM by naughtylittlegirl
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Can't argue with this. You sir, nailed it.Posted 02-05-2015 at 02:22 AM by M.G
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Hear, hear. Well said. I don't really have anything else to add.
Posted 02-05-2015 at 08:21 AM by Punishmyclit
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Certainly a thought provoking and well written blog, I agree with the basic premise but I lean more towards NLG's definitions though from what you've both written. I can be kind to someone I don't respect and I can respect someone I don't feel kind towards - they are differing emotions.
I would take respect as the backbone of humanity rather than kindness, I respect other peoples religions, views and beliefs, rights, life, etc as a basic level of respect that all of humanity. Of course we should try to be kind to people as well but I view that as separate to levels of respect that are earnt.
I can also respect peoples positions/roles - i.e. my boss at work, police officer, forum moderator, college lecturer even if I don't respect the person fulfilling that role. Which I would take as another exception to the respect rules you posted.
Nicely written, great to see blogs like this to get us all thinking about the words we toss around each day.Posted 02-05-2015 at 09:56 AM by Tease
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Tease - I see what you're saying, and I agree largely with your first two paragraphs; especially the point about respect and kindness being separate.
I don't think roles are something we particularly respect. I think we just go along with them because they're there and that's how we're taught that the world works. You can hate your boss and still do what they say. Why? Not, in my eyes, because you respect their role but because that's just how things work and they control your paycheck. That's closer to tacit acceptance than respect to me.
Thank you for making that point though, some thought-provoking comments in there.
Also, thank you M.G and pmc for your kind wordsPosted 02-05-2015 at 10:16 AM by An_Jon
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Respect, is that word and meaning which is broken down from how each was raised. As, I have said. A very touchie subject matter, that hits nerves in all degrees. A word, that could be written on over and over again. Key factor, is each person believes in according to it. As what be stated by so many.
A well written view!Posted 02-05-2015 at 01:50 PM by MasterDaddy02
