Should I Tell My Girlfriend About My Kinks

[Bored]

Hello all,

I have been considering telling my girlfriend about my kinks, but I am not sure if I should yet. Here is a little background as to why:

This is my first girlfriend, and we have been dating for about 1.5 years. I am an atheist and she is a worshiping christian. This has caused some torment in our relationship. She believes in waiting till marriage for sex, which I have accepted. But I don't think we should wait until then to discuss sex or fantasies. This could be an issue in the marriage if left unsaid. I do not believe that she has many if any fantasies because I think she has been taught that it is taboo. I also believe that this will be an extremely awkward conversation for both her and myself. Recently I have been distancing myself for a couple reasons, but one of them is because I am having a hard time thinking that she might not accept my fantasies. Also I have been become more prone to thinking about my fantasies than I have in the past 1.5 years. Also of note, I am not anywhere near asking for marriage yet, we have a few other issues to work out.

I believe that I will have to tell her before marriage but I don't know when I should. I also know that I am the best one to determine when is the best time.

But I am asking for any advice GD community can provide and maybe that advice can help make the decision of when.

Serious replys are greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

bored

[Nikeryda]

I agree with what you've said. It's better to tell her them sooner rather than later when it will cause issues.

[Diapered_prince]

Sit down with her and let her know, If you don't now, then when (if) you get married you won't be satisfied in your sexual relationship which could cause problems.
Sex is a taboo topic in general, but it is important to be upfront with who you are. Who knows, she might surprise you with her own stuff.

[kurious kat]

It sounds like you are serious about this woman, but also about figuring out what your kinks mean for you.

That raises a couple of questions for you to consider:

A) If, after discussion, she decided that she couldn't indulge you in your kinks, would that be a deal-breaker for you? Or would you be ok thinking about them alone on occasion, as long as you had a strong relationship together otherwise?

B) If you spend time resolving other issues, but later find your sexual needs aren't a good match, will you regret having spent time addressing those other things?

In my experience, there's a very broad spectrum of how people respond to a lack of sexual overlap in long-term relationships. I've seen incredibly strong relationships where the couple stops having sex altogether after a couple years, but surprisingly find they don't mind so much; their partner, while sometimes puzzled by their desire, doesn't judge them for what they like in fantasy, and they have an enriching home, recreational, and social life with a best friend otherwise. Then I've seen other relationships absolutely devastated due to a lack of sexual connection, because one person feels incomplete or rejected when they can't express themselves that way, even with the most loving of partners, and over time both come to behave in less-loving ways because of it.

If you think incompatible kinks might be a dealbreaker for you, then you should raise the question sooner rather than later. She might just be shy, and feel that admitting desires makes her look like a non-Christian girl. Or she might actually not feel that strong an urge, and feel that other things are much more important (and interesting!) for her. It's even possible that she isn't sure herself yet.

Of course, if you think it's not a dealbreaker, and that you're interested in being with her even if in the end you just have vanilla sex but live happily, then you have more time to decide when and how you want to ask questions.

Talking about sex can be fun and playful, and affirming. You can start with the "easy stuff" (ask what she thinks about the whole 50-shades-of-Grey phenomenon, or about drag-queen-led storytime at big-city libraries, etc) in more neutral, social contexts. If she doesn't immediately hate the thought, then you can try segueing into your specific kink more personally ("You know, actually I've been curious myself what it's like for those guys going out in makeup and ballgowns"/"I know 50 Shades is overdone, but I always had a soft spot for those damsels in distress like in the old Wonder Woman comics - would you ever want to be my damsel like that?")

Or you can always come straight out and ask her -- IF she were married to the right person -- has she ever considered [bondage/domestic spanking/giving her husband her used panties/having him pole dance/etc.]? Is she ever curious about things like that? You'd probably want to reassure her that you respect her moral code, and understand that she doesn't/may not want to explore outside that bond, of course, but you sometimes think about things that other people do, and are curious what she'd think if her future spouse ever asked her for that.

Whatever happens, sooner or later -- whether it's now, or a year after your wedding night -- you're going to eventually bring things up and find out the answers (either an enthusiastic yes, a gentle no, or a hell no!), so whether that will change things for you is important to figure out.

[Bored]

Thank you all for your responses.

Kat,

I really liked your response, as such I have a few follow up statements, that maybe will be able to provide more incite from you or others:

First, I am not sure if a lack of mutual fantasies would be a deal breaker. However I defiantly lean towards yes. A "vanilla" sex life sounds rather difficult to be okay with, given that my fantasies have been stable for the past 11 years or so.

I agree starting with the "easy stuff" would be a good idea. But either I or someone else (I can't remember who) brought up 50 Shades of Gray it was not taken well by my GF. She was very direct (she rarely is) in saying that she would never watch the movie. Which is one of the major reasons I feel that she feels sexual fantasies are taboo. So starting from there might be a slight issue. Even though when I heard 50 Shades of Gray brought up around my GF I was a little excited; until that is it was shot down haha.

So I guess that leaves coming straight out and asking. But still leaves the when question.

The more I think about it our relationship has kinda plateaued. That being said things have not decreased. And to me the next step is not marriage. To take our relationship to the next level I would like to move in together; however, even though I think I have convinced her that it would be good, she is worried her family would disown her (I think that is an over exaggeration on her part). So that is really not an option at least not yet. So maybe at least being able to talk about sex might be a good step to bring things to the next level.

Again thank you and let me know if you have any further ideas,

bored

[Butterfly]

I think that you would be best to talk about it sooner than later.

I know it is hard, but since you are pretty sure she will NOT be into it, but you also say that it will be a deal breaker if she isn't willing to at least explore or let you explore, it is important for it to happen soon. If not you are just wasting time that you could be spending trying to recover and then find somebody who DOES share those same fantasies or at least somebody who is willing to explore with you.

That is just my opinion.

[Mieann]

Hi Bored, I encourage that you tell her about this. This is part of you. And it is also part of her that she doesn't like such things. I feel that openness should be part of a relationship. It takes a lot out of you, being the one opening up first. Been there, done that. But don't let that discourage you. (Getting accepted for who you are is the best feeling. I swear by my name.)

The critical question here is, "Can she accepts you for who you are?" It can also be asked in reverse though. Do note however though, accepting you for who you are doesn't imply she should be participating together in your kinks. Not yet. Perhaps if she sees how much you are enjoying it, she might soften up a little and gradually ease in. After all, both of you are going to tango after marriage. That's just my guess.. (Edit: If you desire her involvement, (I think we all love our partner's participation), I strongly suggest that you tell her about your hopes when talking to her about this.)

And more importantly, there will always be differences and we try to compromise here a little, there a little, to make the relationship work. That's how it is, isn't it? I honestly do not believe couples never fight. They always do, and they always find a balancing point.

The tipping point might be when one party starts to feel that it is very tedious, tiring, et cetera about all these compromises. I hope it doesn't lead that way.

Edit3: As of when: I'd say anytime you are mentally ready. Then find a day when you think she has the least amount of stress. This will be your own judgement.

Edit4: Thought I should share my own mental preparation. First, I planned 3 days of work leave. The day I chose was Friday, + 3 days of work leave, that leaves me until Wednesday to get things sorted if it went South. Or 5 days of fun if it goes well. Think positive here! I have 2 BFF to call and rant my heart out if I can't get by the 2nd day. I chose a quiet place that was new to us. Somewhere different that I highly doubt I will go often. I made sure my food was right since Wed. I had lots of candies prepared. It calms my nervousness - I finished a box of Tic Tac before I finally bring up the topic. It takes a hell lot of courage. The reasoning behind my act is of what I said above, that I wanted him to accept this side of me. And frankly speaking, it was because regular sex wasn't satisfying. It's not there, not right that it frustrates me some times. Your situation is extremely tacky though.

[Runesmith]

She's not the girl for you. Get out of that relationship and find someone compatible. From what I have read, she is not the compromising type, and she has been brain-washed by whichever version of talibanism that she practices. So you will be the one compromising everything. A marriage where one side has to compromise never works out. As time goes on, you will begin to resent her for making you compromise, and you will rebel.

There's so many fish out there in the sea. Find someone who likes your worm. The talibanista you are dating isn't going to let that worm anywhere near her without you getting on the hook.

Take my advice - break up now while you still have a chance.