Fiction: for money......

dare-demon · 07-16-2009, 10:16 AM

this is the first time i am writing a story....
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.....adam......was very tensed of seeing his boss..mistress jenny..on seeing her he remembered what was told to him on the day of his apointment.....
the apointment order stated that if he had not sold 25 pieces of the watch his agency was selling he has to do what his boss says...or leave the job..
adam was in a dilema and din't know what to do......but his family was in a very bad situation..he had repay the debts and take care of his ailing mother and his sisters education...
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#2
adam had no other way other than to do what his boss said.....he..met mistress jeny(his boss)...in her room she was in black....she gave him an envelope......and ...told him to read what was in the envelope and if intrested do follow the instructions given in the envelope....
....
adam reached home and read the envelope......it said he had to work for the mistress...privately...and he had to be her slave.....and do whatever she wants for a period of one week and it said that he had to stay i her house.....the whole week.....and that his slavery would include female domination and pain.....and he had to sign in an agrement.....and after that week he can continue his job.....he dint know what to do.....but he thought his bos was somewhat easy to handle....so he accepted theagrement and said to his family that he was going to an oficial trip.....and went to his bos's house.....there...two female guards were standing they asked for the envelope......he then stammered a bit but the guards...sternly asked for the envelope and he handed it over to them..then they asked him to sign in a few more documents...with a bit shivering he signed it.... later he was led into the house where a two women took him to a room which resembled a medical clinic......there they asked him to strip.....he was totaly...out of his minds....then the women shouted at him...to remove his pants ....so hestriped off.........they pushed some lube in his ass wearing a latex gloves..meanwhile his cock stood erect.....then the other women measured the cock.......and later the women took a thermometer and inerted it in his ass......it was very embarsing for him...then they weighed him and noted his hight...later he was asked to ly on the table then they inseted a tube connected to a bag of enema and washed him.......then all his belongings was put in a locker....then he was asked to take bath....then a women put a ring around his neck and and around his legs and hands...he was then blindfolded and taken to a room...........
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.what do you think of this story.....kindly give your views...and some ideas too

Coyote · 07-16-2009, 03:30 PM

Well heres the thing, too short to tell if it is going to be a good story. it is very rushed and kinda hard to understand. If you plan on continuing, slow it down, and just take more time to write it

Komodo Jones · 07-16-2009, 04:17 PM

Going along with Coyote said, definitely too short, unorganized, and kind of in too much dissere to tell if it's going to be a good story. Also this is just the English major in me but there is no capitilization, correct punctuation, just a whole lot of things that would really bug me. In the first section of any story, the plot line should be stated or at least should be in good detail relating somewhat to the main thought of the story.

dare-demon · 07-19-2009, 09:42 AM

i have updated the story...now tell me how it is going......

Trystaan · 07-19-2009, 10:01 AM

I'm going to be a harsh critic here.

a. Your spelling makes me cry, maybe write it out on word before hand.

b. loose the ...'s they ... just clutter ... up ....the point ... you are ... trying to ... make.

c. Slow it down, just take the story slower, use more description etc.

Sorry that sounds harsh, but it's true.

dare-demon · 07-19-2009, 10:17 AM

thanx......i will take care of all these aspects next time

dare-demon · 07-30-2009, 12:07 PM

he felt the chilness of the rings on his skin , he shivered in the cold.he was then pulled to a room and he was thrown into it. and the room was dark and full of dirt and dust.then the door was locked and the light switched off.he couldnt hear any sound for nearly 10 hors and he lost account of time.
after a long slep he hear some foot steps nearing the room then the door opened. the guard who led him here was standing there. she called out to him and pulled him again to a bathroom but there were no windows or clock so he dint know the time. then he was scrubed and brought out clean.
he was led to a kitchen like chamber and there he was shown all the things and the menu. he was now to cook and serve the mistress. he was told that he had to cook chicken and some noodles and a lamb for his mistress in just thirty minutes if not he would be punished.and the chains from his hands were removed.he hurried and somehow finished cooking.then the mistress orderd him to be put in the cage.then he was dragged to a cage but it was already occupied but the face was fameliar to him it was his marketing officer.she was also in the cage but dressed.he was pushed into it then the guard left the room and closed the door. for some time they kept quiet and then the marketing officer who's name is elizabeth told him saying she was laid in this position for more than one day and she dint know the time...and she was starting to weep...then all of a sudden a warm gush of water flowwed to him from elizabeth then eliz started weeping she said she tried to controll for long but she couldnt then he started consoling her....
how is the storry till now...kindly comment..shall continue tomm

quidproquo · 07-30-2009, 12:34 PM

Use more white space. Paragraph's should be much much shorter and have at least one line of blank space between them. It makes it easier to read on the web.

dare-demon · 08-02-2009, 12:38 AM

yes i will take care of that next time...

07-16-2009, 10:16 AM	#1
dare-demon Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: India Posts: 145 Blog Entries: 3	for money...... this is the first time i am writing a story.... . . .....adam......was very tensed of seeing his boss..mistress jenny..on seeing her he remembered what was told to him on the day of his apointment..... the apointment order stated that if he had not sold 25 pieces of the watch his agency was selling he has to do what his boss says...or leave the job.. adam was in a dilema and din't know what to do......but his family was in a very bad situation..he had repay the debts and take care of his ailing mother and his sisters education... . . #2 adam had no other way other than to do what his boss said.....he..met mistress jeny(his boss)...in her room she was in black....she gave him an envelope......and ...told him to read what was in the envelope and if intrested do follow the instructions given in the envelope.... .... adam reached home and read the envelope......it said he had to work for the mistress...privately...and he had to be her slave.....and do whatever she wants for a period of one week and it said that he had to stay i her house.....the whole week.....and that his slavery would include female domination and pain.....and he had to sign in an agrement.....and after that week he can continue his job.....he dint know what to do.....but he thought his bos was somewhat easy to handle....so he accepted theagrement and said to his family that he was going to an oficial trip.....and went to his bos's house.....there...two female guards were standing they asked for the envelope......he then stammered a bit but the guards...sternly asked for the envelope and he handed it over to them..then they asked him to sign in a few more documents...with a bit shivering he signed it.... later he was led into the house where a two women took him to a room which resembled a medical clinic......there they asked him to strip.....he was totaly...out of his minds....then the women shouted at him...to remove his pants ....so hestriped off.........they pushed some lube in his ass wearing a latex gloves..meanwhile his cock stood erect.....then the other women measured the cock.......and later the women took a thermometer and inerted it in his ass......it was very embarsing for him...then they weighed him and noted his hight...later he was asked to ly on the table then they inseted a tube connected to a bag of enema and washed him.......then all his belongings was put in a locker....then he was asked to take bath....then a women put a ring around his neck and and around his legs and hands...he was then blindfolded and taken to a room........... . .what do you think of this story.....kindly give your views...and some ideas too Last edited by dare-demon; 07-19-2009 at 09:39 AM. Reason: continuing the story

07-16-2009, 04:17 PM	#3
Komodo Jones getDare Succubus Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: in your fantasies...it's ok you can admit it Posts: 1,755 Blog Entries: 97	Going along with Coyote said, definitely too short, unorganized, and kind of in too much dissere to tell if it's going to be a good story. Also this is just the English major in me but there is no capitilization, correct punctuation, just a whole lot of things that would really bug me. In the first section of any story, the plot line should be stated or at least should be in good detail relating somewhat to the main thought of the story. __________________ KJ 38/male/partially bi/switch D/s Status: Protector, Dom and Daddy of pixie.dust I love meeting new, nice, smart people. I communicate through Discord mainly. What are my limits/likes/supplies? Click here! Check Out my Literary Works Targeting the Ignored [Fiction] Some Stuff I've Done (Non-Fiction)

07-19-2009, 09:42 AM	#4
dare-demon Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: India Posts: 145 Blog Entries: 3	updated the story i have updated the story...now tell me how it is going......

07-30-2009, 12:07 PM	#7
dare-demon Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: India Posts: 145 Blog Entries: 3	the second part he felt the chilness of the rings on his skin , he shivered in the cold.he was then pulled to a room and he was thrown into it. and the room was dark and full of dirt and dust.then the door was locked and the light switched off.he couldnt hear any sound for nearly 10 hors and he lost account of time. after a long slep he hear some foot steps nearing the room then the door opened. the guard who led him here was standing there. she called out to him and pulled him again to a bathroom but there were no windows or clock so he dint know the time. then he was scrubed and brought out clean. he was led to a kitchen like chamber and there he was shown all the things and the menu. he was now to cook and serve the mistress. he was told that he had to cook chicken and some noodles and a lamb for his mistress in just thirty minutes if not he would be punished.and the chains from his hands were removed.he hurried and somehow finished cooking.then the mistress orderd him to be put in the cage.then he was dragged to a cage but it was already occupied but the face was fameliar to him it was his marketing officer.she was also in the cage but dressed.he was pushed into it then the guard left the room and closed the door. for some time they kept quiet and then the marketing officer who's name is elizabeth told him saying she was laid in this position for more than one day and she dint know the time...and she was starting to weep...then all of a sudden a warm gush of water flowwed to him from elizabeth then eliz started weeping she said she tried to controll for long but she couldnt then he started consoling her.... how is the storry till now...kindly comment..shall continue tomm

07-16-2009, 03:30 PM	#2
Coyote getDare Addict Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: USA Posts: 2,110 Blog Entries: 14	Well heres the thing, too short to tell if it is going to be a good story. it is very rushed and kinda hard to understand. If you plan on continuing, slow it down, and just take more time to write it __________________ Loves:Crossdressing,Light-Medium Bondage, Spanking, Humiliation,Dice Dares Likes:Wedgies,Cock Torture, Light-Medium Pain, Nudity Dislikes(Will do if have to):,Shaving(not eyebrows), Extreme Cold, Over 30 minutes(or so) Limits:Public,Involving Other People, Illegal, Pee/Poop, High Risk of Getting Caught,Extreme Pain,Anal,Messy/Water,(Backyard might be ok), Masturbation 24/M/USA http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=32347 AFTER HOURS!!(GOOD READING)

07-19-2009, 10:01 AM	#5
Trystaan getDare Succubus Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 1,536 Blog Entries: 17	I'm going to be a harsh critic here. a. Your spelling makes me cry, maybe write it out on word before hand. b. loose the ...'s they ... just clutter ... up ....the point ... you are ... trying to ... make. c. Slow it down, just take the story slower, use more description etc. Sorry that sounds harsh, but it's true.

07-19-2009, 10:17 AM	#6
dare-demon Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: India Posts: 145 Blog Entries: 3	thanx......i will take care of all these aspects next time

07-30-2009, 12:34 PM	#8
quidproquo Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: The US of A Posts: 109	Use more white space. Paragraph's should be much much shorter and have at least one line of blank space between them. It makes it easier to read on the web.

08-02-2009, 12:38 AM	#9
dare-demon Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: India Posts: 145 Blog Entries: 3	yes i will take care of that next time...