Funny Jokes!

slutpup · 03-29-2012, 07:54 PM

I haven't seen a thread like this before so I hope it's new.

We could all use a laugh every once in a while so let's start filling this thread with a whole bunch of really funny jokes!

By the way, you CAN'T post twice in a row! You have to wait until someone posts after you and then you can post another joke.

P.S. MODS-- If this is in the wrong spot or there is all ready one like this, could you please trash/move this thread? THANKS!!

I'll start.

Q: What's the difference between drunk and an alcoholic?
A: A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

puppy dog · 03-30-2012, 03:29 AM

A man walked into a bar with a duck on his head and asked the bartender if he could have a beer.

The bartender said you will have to leave because we cant have that in the bar or we will get in trouble with the health inspector.

Just then the duck spoke and said to the bartender

"It,s not my fault its here i woke up this morning and it was growing out of my ass"

Blackjack · 03-30-2012, 04:21 AM

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it...it was a shitzu.

puppy dog · 03-30-2012, 04:49 AM

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

spacegal24 · 03-30-2012, 01:39 PM

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "how much for a drink?" The bartender tells him, "for you, no charge!"

puppy dog · 04-01-2012, 04:56 AM

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

puppy dog · 04-03-2012, 01:42 AM

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

Komodo Jones · 04-06-2012, 11:36 AM

This time I'll post one that I actually came up with by myself.

If a Caucasian eats a cracker, is it considered cannibalism?

daremaster 1 · 04-07-2012, 06:33 PM

Im not good at jokes but...

How did the blonde have 2 brain cells? She was pregnant.

puppy dog · 04-09-2012, 04:41 AM

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting Shakespeare.

Then the second fisherman said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisherman said "yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman

footmuncher · 04-09-2012, 10:15 AM

Where do aliens go for a drink?

A mars bar!

puppy dog · 05-01-2012, 05:18 AM

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

puppy dog · 04-11-2012, 05:36 AM

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.

Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.

The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.

Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."

Grandpa said "No, you keep it."

The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.

Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."

Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."

taste the rainbow · 04-15-2012, 11:55 AM

So, did you all hear the one about the butter?
No?
I'd butter tell you then!
...But I won't, because I wouldn't want you to spread it.

puppy dog · 04-30-2012, 05:26 AM

There were three stranded men walking down a sandy beach on a deserted island. They walk a little way and find a magic lamp. So they decide since they are stranded that they might as well rub it. After they rub it a genie pops out and says each one has one wish.

The first man wishes he was at home making love to his wife. POOF, he's gone

The second man wishes that he was at his favorite strip club, drinking a beer with his friends. POOF, he's gone.

The third man doesn't know what to do, so he thinks for a minute and says, "hmm, you know i really wish those two were back here to help me think of a wish".

03-29-2012, 07:54 PM	#1
slutpup Distinguished Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: MN Posts: 703 Blog Entries: 8	Funny Jokes! I haven't seen a thread like this before so I hope it's new. We could all use a laugh every once in a while so let's start filling this thread with a whole bunch of really funny jokes! By the way, you CAN'T post twice in a row! You have to wait until someone posts after you and then you can post another joke. P.S. MODS-- If this is in the wrong spot or there is all ready one like this, could you please trash/move this thread? THANKS!! I'll start. Q: What's the difference between drunk and an alcoholic? A: A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings. __________________ PM me dares! I will try any dare that gets sent that *doesn't* have anything to do with *any* of my limits! I need help figuring out my likes, dislikes and some limits! Dare me! Likes: Mouth soaping, writing lines, spanking, anal, slight pain, certain public things Dislikes: ??? Limits: Certain public things, permanent, major pain, any type of sex, family, friends If you think I deserve a punishment for not updating my story, punish me. Last edited by slutpup; 03-30-2012 at 05:07 PM. Reason: Fixed Spelling

03-30-2012, 03:29 AM	#2
puppy dog Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Victoria Australia Posts: 34	A man walked into a bar with a duck on his head and asked the bartender if he could have a beer. The bartender said you will have to leave because we cant have that in the bar or we will get in trouble with the health inspector. Just then the duck spoke and said to the bartender "It,s not my fault its here i woke up this morning and it was growing out of my ass" __________________ LIMITS. family,friends,animals,blood,public,illegal. Wanting to try a master/slave relationship with a female. Wanting a female to teach me to be a slave then switch later on in the relationship.

03-30-2012, 04:21 AM	#3
Blackjack Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 225	I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it...it was a shitzu. __________________

03-30-2012, 04:49 AM	#4
puppy dog Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Victoria Australia Posts: 34	One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses. So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes." So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks." So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis." __________________ LIMITS. family,friends,animals,blood,public,illegal. Wanting to try a master/slave relationship with a female. Wanting a female to teach me to be a slave then switch later on in the relationship.

04-01-2012, 04:56 AM	#6
puppy dog Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Victoria Australia Posts: 34	One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time." God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?" Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny." __________________ LIMITS. family,friends,animals,blood,public,illegal. Wanting to try a master/slave relationship with a female. Wanting a female to teach me to be a slave then switch later on in the relationship.

03-30-2012, 01:39 PM	#5
spacegal24 getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Texas Posts: 429	A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "how much for a drink?" The bartender tells him, "for you, no charge!"

04-03-2012, 01:42 AM	#7
puppy dog Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Victoria Australia Posts: 34	Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?" "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie." The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?" __________________ LIMITS. family,friends,animals,blood,public,illegal. Wanting to try a master/slave relationship with a female. Wanting a female to teach me to be a slave then switch later on in the relationship. Last edited by puppy dog; 04-03-2012 at 05:10 AM.

04-06-2012, 11:36 AM	#8
Komodo Jones getDare Succubus Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: in your fantasies...it's ok you can admit it Posts: 1,755 Blog Entries: 97	This time I'll post one that I actually came up with by myself. If a Caucasian eats a cracker, is it considered cannibalism? __________________ KJ 38/male/partially bi/switch D/s Status: Protector, Dom and Daddy of pixie.dust I love meeting new, nice, smart people. I communicate through Discord mainly. What are my limits/likes/supplies? Click here! Check Out my Literary Works Targeting the Ignored [Fiction] Some Stuff I've Done (Non-Fiction)

04-07-2012, 06:33 PM	#9
daremaster 1 getDare God Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: <3 Posts: 3,032	Im not good at jokes but... How did the blonde have 2 brain cells? She was pregnant.

04-09-2012, 04:41 AM	#10
puppy dog Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Victoria Australia Posts: 34	Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting Shakespeare. Then the second fisherman said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed. The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisherman said "yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman __________________ LIMITS. family,friends,animals,blood,public,illegal. Wanting to try a master/slave relationship with a female. Wanting a female to teach me to be a slave then switch later on in the relationship.

04-09-2012, 10:15 AM	#11
footmuncher getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 378	Where do aliens go for a drink? A mars bar! __________________ M/uk LIKES: foot worship, used socks/underwear, masterbation control, denial, cum play, submission, mild pain, ice, mild CBT, mild bondage MAYBE: mild public, CBT, humiliation, cum eating, mild anal, pictures DISLIKES: Pee/scat, public and family, permanent, illegal, webcam, body writing

05-01-2012, 05:18 AM	#12
puppy dog Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Victoria Australia Posts: 34	The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’" "That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God." The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. "Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!" __________________ LIMITS. family,friends,animals,blood,public,illegal. Wanting to try a master/slave relationship with a female. Wanting a female to teach me to be a slave then switch later on in the relationship.

04-11-2012, 05:36 AM	#13
puppy dog Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Victoria Australia Posts: 34	Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in. Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole. The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy. Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that." Grandpa said "No, you keep it." The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks. Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me." Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma." __________________ LIMITS. family,friends,animals,blood,public,illegal. Wanting to try a master/slave relationship with a female. Wanting a female to teach me to be a slave then switch later on in the relationship.

04-15-2012, 11:55 AM	#14
taste the rainbow Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: United States Posts: 106 Blog Entries: 1	So, did you all hear the one about the butter? No? I'd butter tell you then! ...But I won't, because I wouldn't want you to spread it. __________________ Hi! I'm Sheila! It's been a while since I've been online(a few months, actually!) and would love some people to help me get back into the swing of things! :Wedgies, light bondage(easily hidden underneath clothes), bladder control, light pain (clit/nipple torture) :Hanging wedgies, messy, public, friends, family If you're unsure, ask! I may be up for it. Female, 20. Pictures can be discussed, but are not guaranteed.

04-30-2012, 05:26 AM	#15
puppy dog Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Victoria Australia Posts: 34	There were three stranded men walking down a sandy beach on a deserted island. They walk a little way and find a magic lamp. So they decide since they are stranded that they might as well rub it. After they rub it a genie pops out and says each one has one wish. The first man wishes he was at home making love to his wife. POOF, he's gone The second man wishes that he was at his favorite strip club, drinking a beer with his friends. POOF, he's gone. The third man doesn't know what to do, so he thinks for a minute and says, "hmm, you know i really wish those two were back here to help me think of a wish". __________________ LIMITS. family,friends,animals,blood,public,illegal. Wanting to try a master/slave relationship with a female. Wanting a female to teach me to be a slave then switch later on in the relationship.