Is it possible to rewire a brain and change what arouses you ?

[pluky]

For the longest time (a decade or so, in other words almost my entire adult life) I've been mostly only capable of cumming to porn or fictions or fantasies involving people of the same gender, F/F or M/M, occasionally I could get off to F/M provided that the M was dominated (and some specific fetishes involved) but as a mostly sub that doesn't really make for most of my sexuality.

I can be turned on, fantasize for hours about heterosexual relationships and scenarios, but when it comes to cumming my brain automatically turs to those other scenarios, the "normality" doesn't get me there. I'm not too sure if it's because I'm inherently not heterosexual enough, or if it's because those other types of content have an abnormal side to them and I need that "twisted" sensation to just push me over the edge (what I feel is the most likely explanation for me).

I used to think I was more turned on by F/F because as a bisexual I was simply more like that than heterosexual, until I realized that gay BDSM turned me on just equally or more, depending on the moment.

That said, all of this doesn't feel necessarily right or sit well with me. I know that it's not wrong rationally, but emotionally, I always have a weird after taste, a sort of subconscious guilt or disgust from it all. Being rational, I never gave it too much thought, and brushed it off over and over and continued to do things the way that satisfies me.

But the rare times I do end up cumming to thoughts of good old M/F, it feels so much better, so much more right to me, even if it's always BDSM so not exactly "normal" and still twisted, it feels so much more normal and doesn't make me feel bad.

I just wish I could delete those other sides of me, and be able to get off like that all the time. It sucks when I am turned by my exchanges with a man the whole time, but then I have to secretly switch my brain and think about lesbian things or gay things or even tentacles or aliens except the normal thing to achieve orgasm.

[Cstelle]

I don't know about intentionally rewiring your head - isn't that what those religious nutjobs try to do when they set out to "heal" homosexuality?

But I do recognise those conflicts. I lived as a heterosexual man until well into adulthood but it is now 15 years since last I was in bed with a woman - and sometimes it has felt as if different parts of my mind were developing independently of each other. I even remember thinking I wanted to be "fully gay", because I felt a fake both as straight and as gay - and not bi enough, I suppose.

I suppose our environment (school, friends, family...) teaches us certain ways to live and react - but as we change and develop as individuals we may need to find new ways to live and react. During that change, I suppose, the old and the new sometimes come into conflict.

Anyway, I find that I worry less and less about these things. I don't know if it is because I'm getting old and have stopped changing, or if it is because I've given up on understanding myself...

[pluky]

Yeah I guess you could say that but my reasons have nothing to do with religion or what society thinks, I accepted my bisexuality for the longest time and I simply feel like I would feel better and healthier if I could change that, and being able to enjoy my attraction for the opposite gender fully.

[Cstelle]

Originally Posted by pluky

I simply feel like I would feel better and healthier if I could change that, and being able to enjoy my attraction for the opposite gender fully.

That's exactly how I felt.

(I may actually feel something like it still today? I'm not sure. But most of all: I don't care that much. At my great age very little matters very much.)

[pluky]

I've had a Dom for over two months and he agreed to help me with controlling my same sex urges, it's going well so far and I'm glad I shared with him this part of me and he was willing to give it a try.