[Fiction] A party gone wrong

[naked_dare_girl]

Hey guys and gals. NDG here after reading all the amazing stories here on getdare i figured I would try my hand at it.(Sexual joke aside) Leave a comment or PM me about what genre of a story you would like to see. (I will write it the way you guys and girls want it!) See you in the next post!

[naked_dare_girl]

All right, I might as well give a list of a couple characters to lead to the next chapter.

John: A 22 year old guy, thin, muscular, and Ariana's boyfriend.

Ariana: A 21 year old girl, thin, hourglass figure, and John's girlfriend.

Aaron: A 18 year old spoiled brat, thin, lives in a mansion, loves to have parties every

month, the son of Mr. Anderson, the boss of Anderson corp, who knows johns family well.

More characters will be added later. I thought i would just inform you.

[naked_dare_girl]

Hey everyone! Im back with the first chapter! But before I start, im going to add in a new character.
Mr. Moyer: Johns father, skinny, weak, and is the head of his division in Anderson Corp.
Enjoy!
Chapter 1: Exposition
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*The phone rings*
John: Hello?
Mr. Anderson: Oh Hello John. Is your father home?
John: No, he just left to go too the super market.
Mr. Anderson: Ok just tell him that we are taking his division on a month vacation to the Bahamas for the excellence in their work.
John: That's great! I will tell him when he gets home.
Mr. Anderson: All right. Bye.
After hanging up with Mr. Anderson, John, exited with the news that he and Ariana would be left alone at home, since Ariana's parents also work in Mr. Moyer's division. He then dialed his fathers cell phone number to tell him.
Mr. Moyer: Hello?
John: Hi dad! You will never guess who just called.
Mr. Moyer: Who called? No let me guess, Mr. Anderson.
John: How did you know?
Mr. Moyer: He sent a email to everyone in the division right now.
John: You think your gonna go?
Mr. Moyer: How could I say no?
John: When is the flight?
Mr. Moyer: It is tomorrow. Early. At like 2:00 AM. Im gonna come home soon and pack and then go too work.
John: Ok see you soon then.
Mr. Moyer: Alright see you then. Bye.
Just the moment that John gets off the phone it rings again. The caller ID says that it is Aaron. Although John does not like Aaron that much, he knows that he has crazy parties when his father goes away. Knowing that Mr. Anderson will be leaving early in the morning, he picks up the phone without hesitation.
John: Hi Aaron. What's going on?
Aaron: Nothing much, im planing on throwing a party tonight, and I thought that since it was your fathers division that made my dad leave for vacation, I wanted to invite you as a thanks.
John: Ok I'll come. What time is the party? And should I bring anything?
Aaron: It starts at 11:30, and all you have to bring is a date.
John: Alright then im there. See you then.
Aaron: Bye.
John was so exited to go too that party that without hesitation he called up his girlfriend, Ariana.
Ariana: Hey Johnny.
John: Hey Ari, Aaron invited us too his party tonight, at 11:30, wana go?
Ariana: Sure, I have nothing too do tonight. What should I wear?
John: Something sexy.
Ariana: Alright. See you at 11:30
John: Okay. Bye Ari.
Ariana: See yah later Johny.
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Sorry for the long wait, or the slow start, but i promise if you stick around it will surely pick up in the next chapter. See you next post!

[Komodo Jones]

Can't say too much about this story yet as it hasn't really picked up. I think that with the way it's going you did pick a good format putting it more in a dramatic literature format rather than a regular narrative format. Exchanging dialogue at that much of a frequency is a pain with all the quotations and trying to figure out who's talking and everything like that. Having said that I do have some suggestions on how to make your story a little better. At first glance the only thing I can see is that it seems you rush through the story and don't take time to check your spelling and grammar which is fine because everyone does that, even an English major like myself. The two things that I noticed was that you used too a lot when the correct form should be to. Too is used to indicate surplus or as a substitution for also. Examples: That's too much pie. or I want to go too. The other one was you used the word exited a lot when I think you meant to say excited. Unfortunately, this problem can't be remedied with spell check because too and exited are both words but spell check and grammar check usually don't correct syntax errors. Just don't worry about updating too fast, take your time and look over your story before hitting the submit button. I type my stories in a Word document before copying and pasting them on here and it seems to help me have less errors. I know I seem like I'm picking apart your story but I'm not trying to bring you down. I'm just trying to make a good story into a GREAT story.

[naked_dare_girl]

Thanks for the input, I was sorta rushing to start the thread up again, and kinda didn't check what I was submitting, but thanks that will teach me to read over my story before I post.