Funny?

[Daleskyfan]

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll!

[Runesmith]

An honest politician, a perfect man, a hard working civil servant and Santa Claus are walking along the road, when the come across a 100 dollar bill lying on the road.

Which of them gets to keep it?

Spoiler:

Santa Claus. The other three don't exist.

[Runesmith]

How many presents can Santa Clause squeeze in to an empty stocking?

Spoiler:

One. After the first one, the stocking is no longer empty.

[Runesmith]

For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

[Runesmith]

My friend surprised me on Christmas with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

[Runesmith]

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”

“Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

[Underpants]

I went to Tesco earlier, the girl at the checkout was looking at all my stuff
very carefully:
Pint of milk
Individual fruit pie
Individual trifle
1 Sausage Roll
Frozen lasagna for 1
Box of tissues
Hand cream

As I was paying she said "You are single aren't you?"
I replied "Yes, did you work that out from what I bought?"
She said "No, you are just so ugly."

[Runesmith]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue.

One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He replies, "Explain the kids!"

[Runesmith]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[Runesmith]

Corporate Horoscope for 2017

Welcome to the new year! Forget about the zodiac signs, find out what your corporate sign says about you.

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

CORPORATE IT: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

[Runesmith]

I feel like I didn't piss off enough blondes in 2016, and it's time to make amends.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[Guv'nor]

This actually happened at my work this morning. The joys of people drinking far too much...


I started work at 5am today to help with the street cleaning after New Years Eve in town. Normally it would be a mess, but it wasn't too bad this time (luckily). At 5.30am young lady police officer asked my mate and I if we had seen a man walking round with no trousers on.

Luckily, we hadn't. However, the other crews had. His trousers had gone up the road sweeper. However, he was now naked (and, for some reason, unknown to anyone else) decided to lie down opposite KFC and masturbate. This wasn't the end of it though...

Next he climbed into the back of one of our vehicles (a Ford Transit with a big cage on the back), crouched down and tried to take a poo. He was quickly told to get out before he could though...

I am glad to say that we all got a laugh out of it!

[cooperjess]

At a new year's party I was at, I dropped my timepiece and had to go look for it. When I found it, there was a guy standing on top of it, getting handsy with a girl who clearly wasn't interested. So I decked him, right there and then.

No one treats a girl like that. Not on my watch.

[Runesmith]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...

The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''

The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

[Runesmith]

What's the difference between a Garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

Spoiler:

Donald Trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face before.